We crack open the large jar of applesauce and we use our spoons to scoop out mouthful after mouthful of the thick, sweet sauce until there is nothing left but the empty jar. The other can of chicken gets split up between Daisy and Felicia, while Janelle and I split the remaining can of spam. Todd eats one of the cans of tuna, leaving Aaron and Michael to share another and split an energy bar.
We finish off the water while I stuff the can of pear chunks, the remaining can of tuna, and Aaron’s last two energy bars into my backpack. If we don’t find food tomorrow, we’ll most likely starve, and I don’t know if our group will be able to handle that. We’ve already faced so much in the last couple of days; starvation might be the breaking point for some of the members in our group.
My gaze slips over to Felicia and Daisy. Felicia hasn’t really spoken or eaten much, but she’s still in better shape than Daisy. Daisy is the one that looks like a lifeless robot, devoid of any emotion but sadness. If I hadn’t walked behind her for the last day, I wouldn’t have even known that she was here. She’s quiet and withdrawn and she’s just…there. She doesn’t have any life or fight left in her, and that really worries me right now.
Only the fighters survive. The weak get taken. That’s the way the world works now. How long will either of them last if they’ve lost the will to keep fighting?
Once the food is put away, we start to divide up the available space. There’s a king-sized bed in the room at the far end of the floor, which Daisy, Janelle, and Felicia are going to share. Michael and Aaron take the other bedroom with a Queen-sized bed and a couch. That leaves me and Todd with the two twin-sized beds—the very room I wasn’t sure I could sleep in. Part of me considers saying something to Aaron, but one look at how exhausted everyone is and I know I can’t complain.
“I’ll be the first one on watch,” Aaron says as we head off to our temporary rooms. “If you need anything, just let me know. Try to get some sleep tonight, and don’t forget that tomorrow is going to be a big day for us.”
Todd closes the door behind us, plunging our room into darkness. The only light in the small room comes from a tiny window above Todd’s bed, and I try not to let the lack of light bother me too much. The door is closed, the stairway is blocked, and Aaron or Michael will be on watch at all times, so we should be safe for the night. However, I can’t help but picture the monsters that lurk in the shadows, waiting to tear into me.
Stop it! I think to myself angrily. Dammit, you’re just going to freak yourself out and then you’ll never get to sleep.
“If you want to talk, I’d be up for listening,” Todd says, startling me out of my inner thoughts. “I know that today was rough for you, and if you need to vent—”
“It was rough for you, too,” I say quietly.
“Yeah, it was.” Todd’s voice breaks, making him sound like a young boy rather than a hardened survivor. He clears his throat. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I say quickly, turning on my side to look at him. “If you want to talk about it, I would be up for listening. I think our last talk really helped.”
He sighs, but he doesn’t say anything at first. Just when I’m starting to think he won’t, he opens up. “It’s Levi’s eyes,” he says softly. “I keep seeing them every time I close my eyes for even just a second. He keeps staring up at me, like he’s accusing me of killing him. And every time I close my eyes, he gets bloodier and bloodier.”
“Todd, you aren’t the reason Levi is dead. Levi is dead because he made a choice. He chose to go after Felicia because of his feelings for her, and even though it was a brave thing to do, it was a stupid thing to do, and he paid the price for it. Do not blame yourself for what happened to him.”
“What about you? Do you blame yourself for Levi’s death?”
“No,” I say quickly. “I know that Levi’s death wasn’t my fault. The death I blame myself for is Rose’s. Every time I see Daisy with her arms wrapped around herself, sobbing, or even just staring out at nothing in particular, I think back to the last time I saw Rose, and I wonder if Daisy sees the same thing. I picture her ripped out throat and her bloody clothes and that dead look in her eyes…and I think it breaks me a little more each time.”
“Madison—”
“And I look at Daisy and I realize that she’s all alone in the world now. And then I look at her bandaged wrist and I feel like someone just stabbed me in the heart with a knife, and it kills me to know that I’m the reason she’s in pain! It hurts that I can’t help her,” I say, sobbing into my arm. “I feel like she should be screaming at me or hitting me or blaming me, but she doesn’t. She just sits there and does nothing. I hate myself for not being able to save Rose, and I know that it’s my fault she’s gone!”
“Madison, I wasn’t there when Rose died, but I know you well enough by now to know that you did everything you could to save her. You can’t blame yourself for her death.” For a minute, the two of us both go silent, and we just listen to the sounds of an empty neighborhood while I sob quietly to myself. Even though I try to be quiet about it, I know Todd can still hear me.
“Todd, I feel so empty sometimes. I feel like my life will never be worth living again. How do I fight that feeling of hopelessness?”
“You find something that makes you feel alive,” Todd says firmly as he stares at me in the darkness. “You find something that makes you feel good and you take it and you don’t ever let it go.”
Todd’s words wash over me, filling me with a sense of desperation and fear that I don’t completely understand. But, his words also stir up something deep inside of me. Something that I haven’t felt in so long it nearly scares me to feel it now. The feeling of being needed overwhelms me, and I throw back the covers of my bed. And for some reason that I can’t quite explain, I climb into bed with Todd.
I feel his entire body stiffen as I slide into bed next to him, but almost immediately he relaxes and wraps his arms around me. Todd pulls me closer and I press myself against his chest, placing my arms around his surprisingly broad shoulders. There’s a split second where the two of us just stare at each other breathlessly, before Todd leans in and presses his mouth gently against mine.
I haven’t kissed anyone in so long I’ve almost forgotten how wonderful something so simple can be. When Todd backs away from me—almost as if he’s unsure if we should do this now—I grip the back of his neck firmly and pull his face back close to mine, but I wait for him to make the next move. When Todd finally kisses me again, it’s much less gentle than before.
His lips are rough and desperate as they move against mine. Todd rolls over, pinning me to the mattress beneath him and trapping me between his thin arms. My fingers weave through his shaggy hair as he kisses me over and over again. When his mouth travels to my neck, a quiet moan escapes my lips. My hands work their way up and under his shirt, and they glide across the smooth skin of his stomach.
He stops kissing me just long enough to lean back and pull his shirt up over his head. He discards it somewhere in the darkened room before returning to my lips. I unbutton my pants and shimmy out of them, leaving them balled up somewhere at the foot of the bed. Todd and I nearly rip off the rest of our clothes, until we’re both lying naked under the covers.
As Todd thrusts into me, my nails dig into his back. He hisses in pain but doesn’t stop. My hands roam across his back, pressing into his smooth skin as I try desperately to pull him as close to me as humanely possible. Todd pants harshly in my ear as we rock back and forth, trying to make this wonderful experience last as long as we can. Neither of us is in any hurry for this to be over, but eventually Todd can go no longer and he collapses beside me, gasping and out of breath.
Neither of us says a word. We just lie there next to each other in the dark, basking in the afterglow of our temporary comfort. I’m not sure how long it takes me to fall asleep, but the last thing I remember is the feeling of Todd’s arm snaking around my waist as he pulls me close. For the first time since the infection
started, I actually feel safe.
*****
In the morning, I wake up naked, cold, and alone. Todd is already gone, and that leaves me with a weird feeling that I can’t quite put my finger on. It might be confusion, or possibly embarrassment, or maybe even a mixture of the two. So I get dressed silently, trying not to feel like Todd snuck out to get away from me. Waking up alone is a horrible feeling, and the only thing that could make it worse is if Todd decides to pretend last night didn’t happen.
When I step out into the hall, I nearly bump into Aaron. He takes a quick step back to avoid colliding with me. “You look better than you have in awhile,” he says, looking me up and down. “Todd, too. Those beds must have been comfy.” His eyebrow lifts a fraction of an inch, and I can feel myself start to turn red.
There’s no way he knows…he can’t!
Aaron smiles at me red face and takes half a step closer to me. “I was on watch last night and I came out here for some time to think. You’ll never guess what I heard as I walked by…Oh, Todd!” he says, making his voice higher in an attempt to mimic mine. “Don’t stop!”
I stand there in the middle of the hallway, absolutely mortified that Aaron overheard the two of us last night. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of—if Aaron had found himself in a position to get lucky, he would have taken it—but I still can’t help feeling embarrassed that he overheard the two of us. “Aaron—”
“I’m not gonna judge you, Maddy. If he was gay…”
That startles a laugh out of me. “Well, I can assure you he definitely is not gay.”
“So it was good?” he asks. He waggles his eyebrows suggestively at me. “You can tell me.”
I laugh and shove his shoulder gently, feeling oddly comfortable right now. Just joking about this has me thinking about a much simpler, more carefree time when I told my best friend all about this kind of stuff. Even though she was a bit of a snob—she definitely would not have approved of me sleeping with a guy like Todd—she still would have begged me for all the details I had to give. Then we would have spent the next hour swapping stories with one another.
But that world is gone now and we’ll never get it back.
Aaron must sense a change in my mood, because he stops smiling and he clears his throat. “We’re getting ready to have breakfast, but we didn’t wanna start without you.”
I follow Aaron down the hall to the master bedroom that Janelle, Daisy, and Felicia spent the night in. Everyone else is already here and they’re gathered in a circle on the floor. Our remaining food is piled at the center, and I realize that this is the last meal we’ll have unless we manage to find some more supplies. After breakfast, we’ll officially be foodless.
Aaron rips up the remaining two energy bars, handing out sections to everyone in the group. With it, we each get a handful of pear chunks, and a spoonful of tuna. This is a little depressing after our grand feast last night, but it should be just enough to get us going for the day. After the food is gone, we sip at the pear and tuna juices, and I try not to gag at the smell and taste of fish juice.
“Don’t we have anymore water?” Felicia asks as she takes the can of tuna from me. “I don’t wanna drink this.” She sniffs it tentatively and wrinkles her nose in disgust.
“No, we don’t have anymore water,” Aaron says with a sigh. “We’ll have to wait and find more once we get away from here. I don’t think we should trust the water from the city—it could be contaminated. I don’t want any of us to risk infection from dirty water.”
Michael frowns. “Can nothing go our way?”
“It’ll all work out, Michael,” I say. “We’ll find this helicopter of yours, we’ll make it to Colorado, and we’ll be able to start a semi-normal life. We just have to hang in there a little longer.”
Michael smiles at me. “You sound pretty sure. I thought you were more of a pessimist than that.”
I shrug. “I can be a bit of a pessimist from time to time, but I also know that we won’t have many chances to be happy, and if one presents itself, we should take it. We have a chance here, and nothing is going to stand in my way.” When I look at Michael again, I’m surprised to find tears in his eyes and a strange look on his face. “Michael? Are you okay?”
He shakes his head and his features crumple. Michael hides his face in his hands, trying to keep us from seeing his tears. “I’m sorry,” he says, sobbing quietly to himself. “I’m so sorry.”
“Michael, it’s alright,” Aaron says. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he says shakily. “It’s just…you remind me of my daughter.” His every word carries throughout the room, and we all hear the sadness in his voice. “She was a senior in high school, but she was old beyond her years, just like you are, Madison. She had the same unique, straight-forward way of looking at things as you do. Hell, you two even look alike with those blue eyes and that blonde hair. I swear you two even stand the same way…” His voice trails off and he gets a far away look in his eyes, almost as if he’s remembering some happier day from before this all happened.
“What happened to her?” Janelle asks tentatively.
“She was taken away from me shortly after this whole thing started,” he says, looking down as he clenches his hands tightly. “One minute I had her, and the next she was gone. I could hear her screaming for me, but I couldn’t save her. You know, the first time I saw you, Madison, I thought for just a second…that you might have been her. That she might have somehow survived and I would get my baby back. You remind me of her so much…sometimes it’s like she’s still here with me, and everything feels okay.”
I have no idea what to say to that. There are no words that can combat such overwhelming despair, and I would be a fool to even try. I scoot over to Michael and put my hand on his shoulder, not saying a single word. The others sit in our circle in total silence, watching Michael as if they’re worried he’ll shatter into a thousand, irreparable pieces. I’m also worried about him, but I know nothing any of us can say will magically fix him. So we wait for him to cry himself out, and when he gets up and wanders off, we let him be alone.
Aaron and I move the dresser from in front of the stairs, and everyone in our group disperses while we give Michael however much time he needs to pull himself back together. I take one final look through the kitchens in case I somehow missed anything, and while down there, I find myself alone with Todd.
He stops in the doorway when he sees me and he tries to quickly back away, but I refuse to let him go that easily. “Todd, wait! I wanna talk to you.”
He sighs and runs a hand through his greasy black hair. “Look, Madison. Now isn’t the time to do this,” he says, dismissing me with a wave of the hand.
“Todd, don’t blow me off,” I say, getting angry in a heartbeat. “Waking up alone sucked bad enough, but if you start ignoring me now, I’m really gonna be pissed, especially since I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I know you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m the one who did something wrong.”
“What—”
“Last night was a mistake, Madison. A huge mistake.” His words feel almost like a slap to the face, and it takes all my willpower to keep from flinching. “We have so many things to worry about right now and we don’t need anything else on our plates.”
“Todd, I’m not asking you to go steady—”
“I know,” he says, interrupting me again. “But I can’t help but think last night was a mistake, even if it didn’t mean anything to either of us.”
“I never said it didn’t mean something to me,” I say quietly. “Like I said, I wasn’t asking you to go steady with me or some bullshit like that. I just wanted to talk about this and get our feelings out in the open.”
“What feelings?” Todd asks. “Madison, we’re living in the middle of a nightmare, and we don’t have time for feelings.” He says it with a sneer on his face and I feel my insides clench painfully. “Look, I won’t deny that last night was great. But we are go
ing to be in constant danger, and I’m planning to stay alive as long as possible. I’m sorry, but I won’t let some girl get in the way of that.”
He walks away, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now, but I know I don’t like it. My thoughts and feelings are all confused and jumbled together. For a minute, I stand there in the kitchen, trying to sort these things out, but it doesn’t help. I have no idea how I feel about last night—or how I feel about Todd in general—but the way things are now just feels wrong. I feel like things should be different between us, like we should be more than we are now, and that confuses me.
“Maddy!” Aaron shouts, snapping me out of my thoughts and getting my attention.
“Yeah?”
Aaron comes down the stairs. “We’re going on a quick supply run before we head for that helicopter. You got your weapon?”
I nod. “Of course. I always have it.” It’s always tucked into the back of my pants, and I take it out and show it to him. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Yeah. I want Todd to come with us. I was going to ask Michael to come with us, but he’s in no shape to be doing anything right now. So he’ll stay behind with Janelle and keep watch over everyone while we’re gone.”
“Um, Aaron? I really don’t think Todd and I are okay to be around each other right now.” One of his eyebrows raises a fraction, but he doesn’t say anything, and I sigh. “We’re at a bit of an awkward place right now, and I don’t want anything bad to happen because of it. I think we should take Janelle with us, or maybe just have it be the two of us.”
“Maddy, I’m sorry if things aren’t going well for you and Todd, but I’m gonna have to ask the two of you to put your problems aside for now. We need food and water; it’s kind of important.”
“Alright. Let’s go.”
*****
The street is empty except for a handful of dead bodies. Broken glass crunches beneath our feet as we skirt around the bloated, half-eaten corpse of a woman, and I try not to look at her face as we walk by. Unfortunately, her brown, lifeless eyes catch mine, and I find myself unable to look away. When I go to step onto the sidewalk, my foot catches on the ledge, and I stumble forward, bumping into Todd.
Zombie Country (Zombie Apocalypse #2) Page 17
