by Tasman Gibb
“Oh, fiery hell, what have I done?” One hand went to her mouth, to cover the horror and maybe catch her words.
Vince stood and crossed the room, his hands gripping her shoulders. “Lulah, stop. Don’t say that, don’t think that. Don’t for a minute let what you think and feel right now become part of you. This is none of your doing.” Her eyes were wide, staring up at him, rimmed red and swollen from tears that fell through the past hours.
“It was only money. How could I be so selfish? I should have given him the money.”
“No, Lulah.” He gripped her harder fighting the urge to shake her. “This…this was inevitable. If you’d given him the money, next time it would all have happened again. You knew that as long as you kept giving him the money, he would continue gambling. I know you’re blaming yourself right now but that has to stop. Do you understand?”
She shook her head. “It was only freakin’ money.”
“Shh.” He pulled her against his chest as the emotion of seeing Lulah, actually being in a room with her when he intended to never hold her again, flooded his system. Her distress and his need to alleviate it, built on the horror of the past days, the loss of Doc, the recriminations of abandoning Lulah when she wanted him at the auction in Seattle, all of it rose to become one deep shuddering breath. He released his hold around her, taking her shoulders again. “Look at me,” he said, gentling the force of his words. He waited for her to meet his eyes before continuing. “Ray is going to be fine, and so are you. Go and talk to him because he will hear you. I’ll leave you—”
“Don’t leave me, Vince.”
He hated seeing Lulah this vulnerable. “Only for an hour, imp, to give you some privacy. Say all those things on the tip of your tongue. Don’t hold onto it, you hear me? You have my number, so call if you need me sooner.”
“Okay,” she whispered, fresh tears brightening her eyes.
He gave her shoulders one last squeeze. “Lots of tissues in the box on the bedside table if you need them.” He took the bottom of his t-shirt, dried the new tears and left the room. Ray would be okay. He was certain of that, because the ones who weren’t okay blindsided you. No warning, no easing into it, they simply vanished in a snap.
An hour later he returned to the room. He’d walked Calliope at a park close to the hospital, formulating a battle plan, and preparing himself for his final mission for Lulah. Seeing her in that state tugged at something deep within him. When he held her he’d never wanted to let her go. In this past week, his loss at not seeing her was immeasurable and completely selfish. Without Doc, the drive to continue with therapy died because the thought of having to start again, the unlikelihood of being lucky enough to find another therapist with whom he could build even half the rapport he and Doc shared killed any sort of motivation to go on. Best now that he and Calliope moved on. He’d always be grateful for what Lulah and the others at the Sanctuary had done for him, but being around them, mixing with people so stable and happy, made him feel like the dark warlock, as if his presence cast a bad spell on everyone.
If he really loved Lulah, and yes, he did, he would move on. Any feelings for him would die and she’d find herself a nice guy, a ‘Mike’ to love, to marry, and with whom to have children.
Oh, no you won’t.
She sat with her back to him as he stood at the door of Ray’s room. Her hand clasped her father’s, her head bowed. The pull of two desires, one to turn and leave, the other to take Lulah in his arms held him as if spinning between two magnets. Perhaps she sensed him standing there because her head jerked a little, as he was about to turn and walk, and she looked to him. Her lips were pressed tight, but her face had lost a little of the anguish.
“He opened his eyes. He’s asleep again now, but he woke.”
Thank you, God. “That’s great, Lulah. I’m so pleased.”
“He’s going to be okay, isn’t he?”
“Of course he is. You know that.”
She slipped her hand from her father’s loose clasp and stood, watching him, making sure he stayed sleeping. “What now?”
“I have a hotel room if you want to share. We can go when you’re ready or I can return to pick you up later.”
“Let’s go. I’m exhausted and I need to try and sleep. They’ll call if anything changes.”
“Come on.” He wanted to hold his hand out to her, walk her with an arm around her shoulder so that she wasn’t alone. But if at the end of this he was going to walk away, touching her now would make it worse.
THEY’D ORDERED UP some room service but Lulah only picked at her overdressed salad. Most of it now lay drowned and limp in a pool of dressing.
“I’m sorry about Doc, Vince. I wish you’d told me before you left because I started all this second-guessing shit and it was terrible. I don’t second-guess, you know that, but for some reason I couldn’t find a place of peace in my mind for you.”
“I know, I’m really sorry. When I heard the news, I ran. Nobody stays in my life, Lulah. It’s like I’m jinxed. It’s stupid and superstitious but hell, track record, you know? I don’t mean to be selfish, to you of all people, I don’t want that, but it seems I’m really no better, no closer, after all. Still fucked-up and broken.”
“Can’t you try…?”
He saw the way she tried to catch herself before she said those words that rolled around in her head, feeding her frustration with him. Her eyes widened, filled with alarm, tears pooling so that one blink would send them on their course down her cheek. He tried to contain himself, smother every emotion that roared to the surface. Try? Really?
“Oh, God, Vince, I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t mean that. Please…”
Emotion first, apology later. The stress he’d caused her, topped up by her father’s beating, meant all of her boundaries were flattened, and there in her words he discovered how much over the past year she’d managed to keep everything in check. How many times had she wanted to say those words that others, the ones who didn’t care enough to monitor their thoughts before voicing their frustration, said?
“It’s not your fault, it’s what I do to people. I’ll help you with Ray, help you organize things down here, and I’ll get out of your way.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Ah, hell, the tears were running now and he really wanted to clear them away but moving out of her life started now. “Lulah, it’s what you honestly feel, and I’m not going to give you a life of insecurity because you deserve so much better.”
“You’re right, I do. But you deserve better, too, Vince. This isn’t just about me. If it was, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s about us. Somewhere along the line we made a connection, remember that?”
How could he forget?
“I don’t know how you operate, but I don’t go around putting out for any guy because I’m feeling a bit horny, okay?”
“Hey, I would never think that about you. Yes, we made a connection, and that’s something I’ll treasure forever, even though I should never have allowed myself that. But I did because I thought I was improving. Yet, now, it’s like I’m right back where I started.”
“I know you can’t get better alone but we can fight your battle together—”
“With no effort at all, look at how unhappy I’ve made you. I’m not going to risk taking you down with me, Lulah.”
“It’s too late.”
Chapter 25
CRAP. TOO LATE and all his fault. For months he’d kept it in check, his desire for Lulah, understanding what her life had been like, recognizing that she was trying to make a stable life for herself. Why couldn’t he have stayed away?
“Don’t even dare think of taking a break, Vince.”
“Lulah—”
“I mean that. Right now, I need you. I need you…that wonderful person I’ve seen and admired. I don’t want you to solve anything for me but I need you as that sturdy force you are, to stand alongside me, take my hand and give me strength. I’m doing my
best not to beat myself up about Dad. I’m supposed to be on my lab right now and I’ve canceled it, so I’ve kissed goodbye my Animal Behavior degree, my promotion, my future and security. I’m going to pay off Dad’s debt, because if I don’t, they’ll come for him again. Give me a day of you, please?”
A day? In his heart he would give her forever. “I’m not going anywhere until we get Ray sorted out. Do you have any info about who he borrowed the money from?”
“Thank you, I mean that.” Lulah took a bunch of papers from her bag and brought them to him, settling beside him on the sofa. These few days of being away from her and he’d missed her so much. He wanted to reach around and pull her in close, forget about Ray, forget about Doc, pretend they were taking a vacation together. She looked exhausted.
“This is the stuff here.” She handed him a wad of papers. “LoanStar EZ Finance. Seems they have a sense of humor, I bet they have an office in Texas, too. Loans with a laugh, at least until they send the thugs in.”
“Leave it to me and I’ll fix it.”
“Oh, no. I need to eyeball the bastard who beat my father.”
“I doubt the enforcer will be at the office. And I’m thinking that even Angry Lulah would meet her match with him.”
“Yeah, but I’d get a kick in to let him know what a lowlife he is.”
Vince nudged her. “Tough little imp, aren’t you?”
She nudged him back but her face was solemn. “Not always, not right now.”
Two breaths, just two, before his self-control vaporized. He intended to count to ten, a thousand even, if it would take a long count, filled with silence, to keep away from her. But it was only two breaths before he reached over to touch the fingertips of one hand to the softness of her cheek. He bent lower, his lips a gentle press to the corner of her slightly parted mouth and they shared his breath as he continued to count.
She said his name in a whisper that he tasted, so he closed his eyes for clarity, searching for something in the moment to give him a precise order. Right there he wanted to tell her his story, not with words but with his lips and tongue so she’d never forget it.
He started to move his head from left to right, a soft brush that painted her mouth, the first wash of mute color, the base coat. Then his tongue, tentative and tasting as if this was their first kiss, and instead of grabbing for him that way she did sometimes she stayed quiet.
Was she listening?
It wasn’t too late to stop but he’d lost count somewhere and resetting to zero never worked. He swiped his tongue over her bottom lip in a quick move that left the tip tingling. When the point of her tongue met his it asked for more of the story, but he’d never been a fast talker and this wasn’t an easy tale. Inside her bottom lip was this small ridge, like a scar, and for a moment as he played with it he hoped she would one day tell him that story too. But a deep chill started a crawl through his veins, suspending him in time so that there was no counting, because he was right back there, tachometer jammed, poised in the terrible silence of the instant when you understand that everything is about to erupt. A stillness so pure and so frightening that the birds fall silent and the wind fails to blow.
Lulah’s tongue slid over his, slow and coaxing, drawing him out of the place in his mind that cracked open, and he returned once more to her ripe lips, sucking on the sweetness until the pressure became too much and she pulled away.
“Hurts,” she whispered into his mouth.
“I know,” he replied. Back at her mouth, recharged and unfinished, back from the isolation of that tiny moment his mind threw at him, he so badly needed to share the rest of his story. Perhaps if he shared it would go away forever. In one move that started rough but finished with him cushioning her fall, he took her down, flat to the sofa. His fingers combed through her hair and she trembled beneath him.
She mouthed something at him, a single word, and he couldn’t tell if she said ‘more’ or ‘yours’. Either way, whatever the word, something was happening in his mind that scared the shit out of him. He wanted to completely overwhelm Lulah with his love, his hurt, and his secrets which somehow blended in this cauldron of passion. He cradled her head, one hand at her nape, the other coursed through her hair, covering her crown, keeping her still. A light flush tinged her cheeks as she made eye contact.
Yeah, that’s what he needed, the eyes, because something had broken through his soul and Lulah was the one person who could smooth it back. “You’ve ruined me, imp. My walls are crumbling.”
“That’s good, yeah?”
He went back to her mouth now, carefully, so as to keep steady in the face of any more quakes and cracks, and she replied with such tenderness he thought he would break. Soon he pulled away, because if he carried on he would take advantage of her goodness and he couldn’t risk that. He swung to his feet. “Calliope needs to go out before bed.” The dog appeared at his side in an instant and he took her leash, clipped it to her collar, and left the room.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING Lulah found Ray awake and able to talk. Somehow, conscious and sitting up in bed, her father seemed even more frail as he spoke carefully from behind the bandages and bruises.
“I’m sorry, Lulu, I’ve caused you so much trouble.”
Her anger with him deserted her the first day she’d arrived at the hospital. “It’s done, Dad. Nothing to be gained from dragging all that up. Let’s concentrate on getting you better, and your life back in some sort of order.”
“Sure, sweetie, I’ll do anything to sort out this mess. I was trying to keep out of your way, let you live your own life without a loser like me about—”
“Going into hiding and back into debt didn’t make my life any easier.” He looked genuinely contrite. “Dad, I love you, but this is the last time I’ll bail you out.”
Earlier, at breakfast, she and Vince decided the best course of action was to settle Ray into rehabilitation as near to Lulah as possible, in Washington. If he agreed, they would clean out Ray’s trailer and Vince would cart his gear back to Lulah’s place for storage until Ray was back on his feet. Now that it was time for Lulah to explain her plan, she wasn’t feeling so confident. She searched for clues on how he was taking the news, but Ray’s dressings hid the usual tell-tale knot in his brow that formed when he was thinking up excuses not to leave Nevada.
It took a couple of minutes before he answered her. “I’ll do whatever you think is best.”
Lulah nearly fell off her chair. She’d prepared to argue her case and leave the hospital if Ray showed his usual resistance. Perhaps the attack had finally knocked some sense into him. “Thanks, Dad. I know it’s hard for you, but we can sort this out and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.”
He squeezed her hand. “You’re the one who’s supposed to be making the trouble in the family. Instead, it’s your old man.”
“Yeah, well, hopefully he’s turned over a new leaf. Now, I’m going to find Vince. It’s time you met your rescuer.”
Out in the corridor she could see Vince and Calliope down at the far end where a large window gave a view over the parking lot. Her relief at the way Ray so easily agreed with her ideas meant she almost skipped to meet them.
Vince smiled. “Good news, I take it?”
“So far. Come and meet him, then we’ll head off and clean out his trailer.” The matter of Ray’s debt still needed sorting out but Lulah decided not to mention that to Vince, in the hope that he would head back to Halo Peak before thinking about it again. That way she could deal with it the way she wanted to.
“REALLY? THIS IS where Dad lives?”
Vince’s expression was non-committal. “Yeah.”
“It’s pretty rough, Vince. We didn’t stay anywhere this bad when I was a kid.” She let herself out of the pickup, walked over to a pile of trash and gave it a kick. “This is a dump. I mean, it’s literally a dump and somebody charges rent for this?”
“Uh-huh. Actually, Ray’s behind in his rent, too.”
“Of c
ourse he is.” She peered around again, taking in more of the piles of junk stacked around the yard. “A good daughter would feel ashamed on his behalf, but I let go of that years ago. It wasn’t easy, but I had to make the decision not to let him take me down the way he did my mother. Tough love came naturally to me. I love him, but he’s an addict and the lying hurts.”
Vince started unloading cardboard boxes from the back of the pickup. “Of course you love him, and from what I can see you’ve done what you believe in your heart to be right. That’s all that matters. Come on, check around inside.”
She caught the key he threw to her and entered the trailer. A mere glance showed her there wasn’t much she recognized from her childhood. She didn’t recall having grown up with anything of monetary value, and if there had been, Ray would have pawned it years ago. When Vince stepped into the trailer she waved an arm about. “You see, Vince? This is why I need to be independent, because I refuse to get myself into a situation like this.”
“I can’t see you ever living like this, Lulah.”
“No, but it is where you end up when you borrow to support a lifestyle. Pity Dad never understood that the reason he had to borrow was because he couldn’t afford it in the first place.”
Vince opened the small fridge. There wasn’t much inside but what was there would gag a maggot. “Wow, it’s lively in here. Pass me a trash bag and I’ll clean this out.”
She handed Vince a bag and as she did, something in the corner took her attention. She moved a pile of newspapers and found the stack of paintings on boards, on paper; he obviously couldn’t afford canvas and paints. She removed the top one. Lulah and her Mom shelling peas.
It was an image from her childhood and he’d caught it so well. The memory returned strong because it wasn’t usual for them to have fresh vegetables but someone had dropped in a large bag of peas and she and her Mom sat together opening the pods, freeing the peas into a pot. She couldn’t remember where Ray was that day, though he obviously watched the scene, but she remembered her surprise at the extraordinary sweetness of the first fresh pea she tasted.
