“Yes. Oh yes.” We rocked back and forth until I felt myself coming from my touch, while he watched me intently. As I stared at his reflection, I reached behind me, unzipped his jeans and pressed him against my back. He knew what to do after that. With my palms and my breasts pressed against the glass, he bent his knees and entered me from behind.
His movements were urgent, strong … almost violent. He pinched my breasts and bit my shoulder. Moments later, I was on my knees as he continued to take me on the floor. He let out a deep groan as I felt him pulsating inside of me. He pulled me down to lean on him as he rested his back against the glass wall. He held me like that for quite some time until I felt him stir inside me again. This time it was my turn to show him just how much I missed him.
We spent the rest of the evening talking, playing backgammon and going for a swim. Jesse patiently stayed up with me throughout the night, knowing that I was wide awake from jet lag. We talked, we laughed, and we held hands while watching television in bed. Jesse animatedly described the game plan for his campaign, while I swooned at the sound of his voice, grateful to be loved by someone who included me in his long-term plans for a successful life.
We were both up early the next day, knowing we had to head back to town. I opened my eyes to find him facing me as he watched me sleep. “Hey.” I smiled.
“Hi,” he sighed, “I don’t want to leave yet.”
I sat up on the bed and leaned down to pick my sleep shirt up from the floor. He reached out to turn me back toward him and gently pushed me down under the covers. “Not yet. Let’s stay in bed for a while longer,” he whispered, as he caressed my face. “You’re so beautiful, even more when you just wake up. You look like an angel when you’re sleeping peacefully.” He kissed me.
“I’m only peaceful with you, Jess. You’re my reward for everything I’ve had to endure in my life.”
Except for the sound of our breathing, we were both completely silent.
“Jess?” I turned around so he could pull me closer to him.
“Hmmm?” he asked as he pressed himself to me.
“What do you think will happen to us after college? What if things change between us? Do you think we’ll make it?”
He paused for a moment. “We’ll make sure we make it,” he declared.
“Oh, I don’t know. There are just so many girls.” I shifted my position so he could wrap his arms tightly around me.
“There are going to be girls, Iss. Just like there are lots of guys. You have them hovering around you when I’m not there. We just have to trust that we love each other enough not to get caught up in all that. Turn around, Iss. Look at me.” And as he said this I turned to him so that our noses were touching and his legs were wrapped around mine. “I love you. That’s never going to change.”
“I love you, Jess. I’m scared because I don’t have anyone else but you.”
“You’ll always have me, Issy,” he whispered as his lips touched mine and I fell for him completely.
Jesse drove me home that afternoon and left to attend another one of his many campaign strategy meetings. And although he called me every night, it was clear to me that I wouldn’t be seeing him until our first day of school. That day, I chanced upon him as I walked alongside the field on the way to my 2:00 P.M. class. He sat on a bench and seemed to be in a deep and serious conversation with Katrina Edwards. I was running late, so I tried to get his attention to wave at him. Out of nowhere, I saw her lift her hand to comb back some bangs that had fallen over his eyes. I had to do a double take. I’d seen many girls touch him before, but not in such an affectionate way. He shook his head and persisted with the conversation as she nodded hers in agreement. I continued to walk away in a little bit of shock, but resolved to park the issue until I got a chance to ask him about it in person. Later on that afternoon, Jesse left me a message to meet him at the Student Center so we could grab some dinner together. He was in the middle of a meeting, going over some last minute notes. I decided to sit outside the office while waiting for him to finish. My phone rang. It was Alex.
“Hi, it’s me.”
“Hi, A! How are you?”
“I’m good. Just wanting to check in. How was your flight back home?”
“It was good, actually. I watched all seven movies, can you believe that?”
“Really? Were they even any good?” We both laughed.
“I don’t even remember half of them.” I giggled.
“Listen, I wanted to know if I can stop by to say hi sometime this week,” he asked, somewhat hesitant.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Katrina Edwards and two friends walking out of the bathroom. She was loud and giggly, so engrossed in her conversation that she didn’t see me.
“Well, she’s back now, so I don’t know how that’s going to work ...” she exclaimed excitedly to one of her friends. I sat straight up on the chair, knocking my purse to the floor and spilling all of its contents.
I forgot that I still had Alex on the line.
“Isabel, are you still there? Is Jesse with you? Will you just text me later to let me know?”
I placed the phone down next to me as I frantically gathered my things to throw back into my purse.
“Oh! Sorry, A, got sidetracked by something. Yes, I’m waiting for Jesse to get out of his meeting. I’m still learning this texting thing but will let you know when I’m home after school sometime this week. See ya!”
I threw my phone in my purse and walked into the meeting room. I needed to get out of there.
Jesse smiled when he saw me, packed his bag and rushed to give me a quick kiss as he took hold of my hand. “Hi, let’s go.”
We decided to eat at the taco place across the street from the school. Jesse was free for an hour before he had to attend another meeting, this time with his professor for a project that he was working on. He laughed heartily, as he watched me grab some napkins to wipe down our seat before sliding into the booth. “It’s okay, Princess. This place is pretty clean.”
The conversation I overheard with Katrina Edwards gave me a dreadful feeling in my stomach. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know what I should be crying about. I was quiet for most of dinner, but I couldn’t help but smile at his jokes, especially because he constantly teased me about being out of my element. His warmth and attentiveness gave me permission to push my worries to the back of my mind. Why ruin our moment together when I hardly ever get to see him?
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt.
Just how we play the hand.”
—Randy Pausch
By the time I arrived home after dinner, Alex was already waiting for me at the house. I gave him a quick hug and asked him to come sit with me on the front porch. He took out a pack of Marlboro Lights, handed me a cigarette and leaned over to light it up for me.
“Does he even know that you smoke?” he asked with an amused look on his face.
“Are you kidding me? He’s the superstar baseball athlete. He hates this stuff. I can’t tell him.”
“Why do you do it, then?” he asked somberly.
“Because it’s one of the things that I have left of the old me ... anyway ... what’s up? You didn’t come here just to ask me about my smoking, did you?”
“No, I wanted to see you, that’s all.”
“A, something’s up with Jesse. Okay, not necessarily with Jesse, but with this girl named Katrina Edwards who’s running for the council with him.”
“That’s what I wanted to tell you. I saw him with her at a few parties during the summer.”
“You did? Like as a couple?”
“No, not necessarily. But I noticed her touching him a lot … like they were familiar with each other.”
“Do you think it’s just because they’ve been working together all summer?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
Our conversation stopped for a moment as Mellie walked in to bring us some refreshments. I thanked her in Spanish, and she asked me whet
her Alex would be joining me for dinner.
“No, gracias, Mellie. Senor Alex tiene otros planes para su noche.”
“God, I have to tell you how hot it makes me whenever I hear you speak Spanish.”
“Note to self. Find Alex a Spanish speaking girlfriend.” I laughed, and continued on with our conversation.
“Thanks for telling me, A. I’ll speak to him about it tomorrow. Right now, I’m still catching up on my sleep, so I’m really exhausted.”
“Isa. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Why would I be mad at you? You’ve been nothing but a great friend to me. I’m really just so tired tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow for sure.” I grabbed Alex’s hand and held it for a few seconds.
With a brief hug and a weary smile, I turned around and walked into my front door. Right before I went to bed, Betty called to check in and ask me how my first day at school went. We spoke for a few minutes until I could hardly get the words out. I fell asleep immediately after we hung up the phone.
I wasn’t able to see Jesse for the next two days. He had evening classes and an away game that I couldn’t attend due to a conflict in my schedule. In a way, I was happy to avoid having a conversation with him about Katrina Edwards. When your life is beset with disappointments like mine was, you somehow learn to value every minute that you have without sadness or drama. That was how I felt at that moment. I was still with Jesse. He was still my boyfriend. Maybe it was best to avoid a confrontation for a few days. We’d had fights before, lots of them. Most of them were because Jesse was unreasonable and possessive; some of them were because I was upset that he couldn’t see me as often as I had hoped. We never went to sleep in a fight. I was known for giving in and apologizing, even when it wasn’t really my fault.
Jesse finally called on Friday morning and asked me to meet him after school. There was another get together with his school running mates at Ryan’s house and he wanted to know if I would attend this event with him. I always did. I never ever refused to see him. The mood was light and easy when I met him after school all dressed up for the party. This time I didn’t care whether or not he said something about my outfit. I wore a black fitted, short dress with a scoop neck in the back, tall red platform heels and a matching red Chanel vintage clutch. He gasped as he saw me walking toward him but smiled warmly and kissed me gently as we met at the front door of Ryan’s house.
“Hi Issy. I missed you so much. Tell Bernard he can go home, I’ll take you home after the party.”
As we walked in hand in hand, Ryan met us with a holler and a whistle. “Isabel, always looking sooooo good.”
“Thanks, Ryan. Are you taking care of my man over here? Making sure he’s being a good boy?” I joked, well, half-joked. Ryan and I exchanged a look of understanding. He knows something, I thought to myself.
“Jesse takes care of himself, Isabel. If he screws up, it’s his loss, baby, he knows that. There’s drinks at the bar, enjoy yourselves!” And he turned around to socialize with the others.
About two hours later, the party was in full swing. Jesse and I were sitting together with a group of people who were chatting with him about things I didn’t really know about.
“Hey, Jesse, can I speak to you for a second?” It was Katrina Edwards. In a tube top and white pants. Her hair even more sun kissed than ever.
“I’m not really talking about work right now, Kathy. Let’s table it until Monday,” Jesse replied, visibly agitated.
“Just for a second, Jesse. I just need to run something by you,” she insisted.
Jesse sighed irritably, squeezed my hand and stood up to follow her.
I gave her the two seconds that she asked for and then walked over to where they were standing.
Their conversation suddenly stopped. Jesse took my hand and led me away from everyone.
“What was that all about?”
“I don’t know, Iss. She just wanted to talk about the campaign — not sure why she couldn’t wait until we were back in school.”
“No, Jess, what’s really going on? I have a funny feeling that there’s more to this than you’re saying. At least admit that you know she’s interested in you.”
“But I’m not interested in her!” He exhaled sharply, running his hands through his hair again.
“So she did do something. Tell me, Jess. Alex said he saw you and her out together more than once while I was away.”
“What the fuck were you doing talking to Alex?” He only cursed when he was with his friends or when he was really angry.
“He’s my friend, that’s all. He’s just looking out for me.” My voice was adamant. He wasn’t going to make this about me.
“Yeah, right, he wants in your pants. That’s why he told you.”
I cringed, but continued on. “Well, is it true?”
“Look, babe, we had to attend a couple of functions as running mates. I couldn’t help that. She tried to kiss me one ni-”
“SHE WHAT??? And you’re still dealing with her?”
“I have no choice, I have to do this. We’re so close to winning the nomination.”
“What if I said I don’t want you to run with her? Find someone else, Jesse, please,” I pleaded.
“I can’t,” he said resolutely.
“You can’t, or you won’t? Is it really that important to you to win this? You have so much going for you as it stands now. If you’re really doing this for us, I’m telling you, this is going to kill us.” My voice was soft and halted. My heart was slowly crumbling.
“Isabel, please be reasonable. So many people have invested their time in this campaign. I can’t just pull out right now. I’ll control it. I won’t give in to her. I love you so much. She’s nothing to me. I wanted to tell you about that night. I was so drunk and I missed you so much.”
“You kissed her back. YOU kissed her back.”
“You fucking bitch. What about you? You didn’t tell me that Alex went to visit you. Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice cracked as he shoved his hands into his pocket, as if to control himself.
“Alex is a friend, Jesse. You made me stop seeing all of my friends. You made me give up my past life for you. He’s the only one left who can remind me of how different I was before I fell in love with you.”
“So, that’s it then? Do you wanna break up? Because I’m not giving up the campaign or the election for some stupid notion you have that isn’t even there.”
“Wow, Jesse. You just called me a fucking bitch and offered to break up with me all in one breath.” Do not cry. I coaxed myself to hold my tears back.
“It is what it is. I can’t deal with your suspicions at such an important time in my life. It’s probably for the best anyway, since we can’t be holding each other back at this point.”
“You mean I can’t be holding you back. You mean me.”
I calmly turned around and walked away from him. I placed one foot in front of the other, I could hardly stand and my knees were about to buckle. Tears clouded my eyes but I refused to blink, knowing that once I allowed the tears to flow, they would never stop coming. Jesse didn’t come after me. I left the party, called for Bernard and sat on the sidewalk as I waited for him to arrive. We drove home in silence until we entered the gates of my mother’s house. Bernard turned to me as he switched off the car’s ignition.
“Ma’am Isabel, when you were a little girl, you were so full of life, always happy and always laughing. I remember everyone being so worried about how you’d take everything that you went through with your mother, but you were always so positive about things, so hopeful. I haven’t heard you laugh in a long, long time. I hope that little girl is still somewhere inside the young lady now sitting in the back of this car.”
I held his hand in mine as I lifted myself to get out of the car. “Thank you, Bernard. I sure wish it was that easy.”
My phone rang as I walked through the front door.
ALEX: Are you still at that boring ass student co
uncil party?
ME: No, I just got home. So tired, can I just talk to you tomorrow?
I didn’t wait for him to respond as I powered off the phone.
“He did what?”
“He said what?”
Evie, Alicia and Betty were all over this. Evie was the most vocal, Betty ran and told Alex, and Alicia had a quiet calm about everything she heard. She said that Jesse had called to explain what had happened that night, and she told him that it was best to leave me alone for now until he figured out what he really wanted out of his life. He told her that he’d come too far to give it all up and that he worried I wouldn’t be able to handle his day-to-day dealings with Kathy. He was right about that. Even if I wanted him back, it would never work with her working so closely with him on a daily basis.
I stayed home for the next three days and didn’t do much of anything. He never tried to call me, but Betty and Alicia were hearing from him quite often. He didn’t mean what he said; he was angry and confused. He was jealous about Alex. I heard about all of his reasons and not one of them was enough to pull out the dagger that remained stuck in my heart. That Thursday, I decided that there was no point in me hiding from the world. He ruled the school, but the only way to move past this was for me to make sure I graduated on time. As I walked to class from building to building, I kept my head down, afraid to bump into anyone associated with him. I took the long route to the gym, not wanting to pass by the Student Center. I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to see him with someone else. I didn’t know if I ever would be. With the election campaign in full swing, his face was everywhere in posters and signs all over the school. I had a pathetic routine going — go to class, look down, sit in class, cry in the bathroom, rinse my face and repeat. The days turned into weeks and into months. Jesse and Katrina won the election. There were celebrations for a week, banners and parties. I would be walking past a group of students and I’d feel his presence somewhere in the crowd. I could have sworn I heard him call my name once or twice, but as soon as I turned around to find him, he was nowhere to be found.
The Light in the Wound Page 9
