by Carrie Carr
With that last remark about sex, Bianca was certain that she would garner a response from Dr. Kern, but nothing. Nothing she ever said seemed to stir any emotion from him. He was as hard as her kitchen floor. Presumably, he had heard everything and graduated past the stage of shock.
"Is that what this is about?" Dr. Kern asked, "Sex?"
"It's about a lot of things. I just don't fit in. I know I sound like a teenager, but ever since my family died, I have turned into this terribly boring person, even more so than before. I live a boring life."
She hoped for some type of disagreement from Dr. Kern, but instead, he said nothing as if waiting for her to continue.
With a slight smile, Bianca said, "I think about changing, changing everything about myself."
"You mean doing things only your sister would do?"
"That's exactly what I mean."
This fantasy of hers would probably never materialize, but it warmed her spirits just to even consider it.
"We talked a little about this before," Dr. Kern said. "You don't think that would be a drastic move?"
"Drastic is exactly what I want, Dr. Kern. Drastic. My 1ife needs to be shaken up a bit. I need some excitement which is exactly what's missing."
"And then what?" he asked very calmly.
His question threw her for a spin and her head dropped. "Excuse me?"
"I'm just wondering after you take on this new persona, then what? What happens after that?"
It never crossed her mind what would happen afterwards, mainly because she failed to explore the idea that far into the future.
"I don't know," she said. "I guess I won't know until it happens."
As excited as she was about the idea, it frightened her just the same, but not enough to completely erase the thought from her head.
Bianca enjoyed her periodic trips to the art store where Lee worked. Lee was a successful entrepreneur and co owner of a class-A art store called Pheneek. He had invested his money religiously when he worked as a salesperson, and his hard work and laser-beam focus had paid off big time.
Once Bianca seized a pack of paint brushes and a set of neon watercolors from the shelf for her Tuesday evening art class, she searched down the brightly lit aisle for Lee. But he was nowhere in sight. Although Lee was co-owner of the art store, he chose to work there as if he was a struggling salesman, and Bianca always respected him for that.
Bianca reached the check-out point and placed her items for purchase on the counter, and to her surprise, she felt a presence behind her, leaning against her back. Upon turning around, she saw that it was Lee.
"Hey, Sunshine," he said, then kissed her cheek.
Flattered by his pet name for her, she just didn't understand his interest in her. She was nothing like her sister, the woman he was supposed to marry. Her sister was exciting, beautiful and very feminine, whereas, she was dull and plain looking to the nth degree. There was obviously something there that Lee witnessed that she couldn't see.
"I was looking for you," Bianca said with a warm smile.
"I know. I saw you when you came in."
"Really? So you were watching me? Checking me out?" she asked, flattered.
"Is that okay?"
"Well, it is your store."
Lee smiled and then instructed the salesgirl at the register to take her break before stepping behind the register. "Now, how can I help you?"
"Well, I did kind of like the way you stood behind me. That was nice." It was just so easy for her to flirt with him.
"Well, I'm sure I can do something about that."
Bianca pulled her wallet from her purse and said, "How is it that every time I reach this register, you're always here?"
"Luck, I guess."
For as long as Bianca could remember, Lee never once allowed her to pay for any of her supplies or anything else in the store for that matter. Though it was a grandiose gesture and much appreciated, Bianca didn't want to go overboard with his kindness.
"This time I'm paying," she said. "I insist."
As if she hadn't said a word, Lee placed her supplies into a bag without charging her for them.
"I'm serious, Lee." Bianca placed two $20 bills on the counter.
"So am I."
Without taking his eyes off Bianca, he placed the $20 bills inside the bag with her supplies. "Now, is there anything else I can get for you?"
"How does your business partner feel about you giving away the merchandise?"
"He's all for it."
She couldn't help but laugh. "Thank you, Lee."
"You're welcome."
As much as she valued Lee's friendship, she began to wonder if maybe continuing on like this with him was setting herself up for more than she might be ready for. He was obviously into her, but he was also her late sister's fiancé, and for that reason alone, he would always be off limits.
Chapter 4
LEE AND BIANCA ALWAYS SAT together in their Tuesday evening watercolor class. Not just because they were friends, but also because Lee seemed to have a much better grasp of the concepts than the instructor. The class was composed of eleven students and one instructor, but Lee and Bianca hardly ever socialized with anyone else, including the instructor. They instructed each other. It was like their own private class that they allowed others to attend.
It was nine o'clock when the class came to an end. Bianca and Lee washed their paintbrushes, stripped off their smocks and gathered their things to leave.
"You want to go grab some coffee?" Lee asked.
"I didn't sleep well last night. I was just going to go right home."
"Okay, we can talk on the way out."
Though Bianca loved and admired Lee, she mostly admired his acceptance of her decision not to pursue an intimate relationship. He never tried to make her do anything she didn't want to, an attribute she valued in any person.
Bianca and Lee traveled down Ontario Street towards the parking lot where Lee left his silver SUV. It was hard to believe that it was a weeknight the way so many people jammed the streets as if it were Super Bowl Sunday. Many of them still wore business attire while others wore jeans and after-five wear.
Lee lived in the Gold Coast area whereas Bianca resided on the north side, and they always rode together in Lee's car, their Tuesday night ritual. When they passed the famous Rock-in-Roll McDonald's, Bianca reached for her gloves in her pocket as the temperature had dropped. The wind was blowing straight through her. For moments on end, Lee's eyes casually vacillated to and from her. He obviously had something that he wanted to say. Although Lee never appeared to be the timid type, somehow this evening was different.
After Lee shifted his attention towards her and away from her for the fifth time, Bianca stopped in her tracks. "Lee, is there something you want to say to me?"
Lee opened his mouth, then turned away. His actions worried her and at the same time the voracious curiosity ached at the center of her stomach. "What is it, honey?" she asked him.
Out of nowhere, with no warning and with a straight face, he asked. "How about we get married tomorrow?"
Bianca smiled, then decided to play his little game. "Why not tonight? We can fly out to Vegas and have it done by morning."
"Are you serious?" he asked, his eyes wide and alert.
"No, Lee. I'm not ready to get married."
"Who is ever ready?"
She couldn't believe it. He was actually serious. "Lee, we can't get married. We've never even kissed."
"What are you talking about?" he questioned. "You kissed me the other day."
"I'm talking about a real kiss, Lee."
Lee seemed to give her words some thought. "Well, that can be easily rectified." Lee stepped to Bianca, raised the hood of his Kangol cap and slowly inched his face to hers. All the while Bianca listened to the wailing wind in her ears, her eyes wide open. With his eyes locked with hers, he drifted his lips towards hers. Bianca's eyes fell shut when his tongue firmly, but with a gentle ease, made its w
ay through her lips when he kissed her long and hard.
Suddenly, it dawned on her that she wanted this kiss more than she realized. They stood in the middle of the sidewalk, as if on display for the entire world to see. This was their first real kiss and though she was no teenager, she felt like one all over again.
To her disappointment, Lee was first to pull away. One thing was for certain. There was nothing lacking in that kiss. In fact, the only thing lacking was that it didn't last longer. On one level, it felt so right. Then on another level, it felt so wrong. It was not supposed to happen, but she was glad that it did, and, more importantly, it could never happen again. How could she carry on a relationship with someone who was once spoken for by her late sister? No matter how she looked at it, she would never be able to make it feel right.
"Now can we get married?" Lee asked her.
His witty words left a lasting smile on her face. "I'm afraid not, but that was very nice," she said to him.
"I like you, Bianca. You probably already know that, but just in case you don't, I'm telling you now. I really like you." His soothing voice could flatter a comatose woman.
"I like you too," she said.
"But do you know how I like you?"
"I think I have a pretty good idea." Bianca paused. "You really liked my sister, too, and we are nothing like each other."
"And? You can't like two different people?"
"Of course, you can. That's not what I mean―I don't know what I mean."
As they continued towards the parking lot, Lee continued. "For the last few months, I've been giving you subtle hints about my feelings, but―"
"But what?" she asked.
"But nothing. You haven't responded, except for that kiss. You have a warmth about you that touches me right here," he said as he placed his hand against his chest, his puppy-dog expression almost piercing her skin.
Not knowing what to say, she turned away to collect her thoughts. How was she going to respond to him without hurting his feelings?
She pondered his words for a few seconds, and then, "Maybe I do have time for that coffee after all."
The buzzing espresso machine and the smell of robust brewed coffee met Bianca at the door as she and Lee stepped through the warm and cozy café. People in jeans and sweats swarmed the coffee shop on this gloomy fall evening. Some read, some wrote, while others talked with one another.
After Bianca ordered an espresso and Lee ordered hot chocolate, they seated themselves in the back with a view of Ontario Street. Bianca's attempt to pay for the beverages had failed again. "Why don't you ever let me pay for anything?" she asked him.
"Because," he stated. "I like doing things for you."
"I appreciate that, and I like doing things for you, too. You are a very giving person, and I appreciate your kindness. It's one of the many things that I like about you, but sometimes it keeps me from being kind to you as well."
"Okay," Lee stated. "The next time we go out, it's on you, and I want everything on the menu. Twice."
"You promise?"
Lee nodded in agreement.
"You and I became friends at a time when I needed a friend the most," Bianca said. "And for that, I will always be grateful to you."
As she finished her sentence, she fancied herself on some lame talk show where she discloses all of her secrets. And if this were a conversation she happened to eavesdrop on, it would have been enough to make her gag, but they were her words, her sincere words. Bianca grappled with herself in silence, trying to say just the right thing and still remain true to herself. Finally, she moved her cup of espresso to the side and sat forward.
"I'm not ready for a relationship, Lee. There's so much going on in my head, and I would just bring that confusion to a relationship. You and I have a mutual respect for one another. There's love between us, and I can't take a chance on losing that," she paused. "I admit though that sometimes, I do think about it."
"Really?" he asked.
"Yes, I have thought about us as a couple, but I don't think you realize the caliber of our friendship and what it means to me. I've opened up more to you than my own doctor, and I cannot risk losing that special bond that we've created."
Lee looked as if he understood, but she could tell that he didn't. "It's because I used to be engaged to your sister, isn't it?"
"That's part of it, but most importantly, you and I have a great friendship."
"Friends can be more than friends to each other," he insisted.
"I know they can, but I am just not willing to risk what we have for anything."
She listened to herself say all these things to Lee, witnessing the pitiful and needy look on his face, and it sent sprinkles of sorrow through her heart. There was nothing wrong with Lee wanting to take their friendship to another level. He was not the problem. She was. Of all the things Bianca wished for Lee, she wished him love most of all, because that was what he wanted most of all.
Soon after Lee dropped her off at her apartment, she scrambled immediately into bed, but struggled to fall asleep after having consumed all that espresso at the coffee house. In a way, she and Lee made a perfect pair because he knew all about her and liked her just as she was, but she needed to exorcise her demons of despair, otherwise she would not be any good to anyone.
For thirty minutes, she tried to calm her racing thoughts and fall asleep. It was ten o'clock and it seemed useless. She was about to climb out of bed and find something constructive to do with her idle time when the phone rang. It was Lee, who insisted that he see her right away. Not only did she find this unusual because of the odd hour, but also because she had just left his side.
This must be important.
Fifteen minutes passed when Lee arrived. He wore an enthusiastic look on his face when he stepped through the door.
"Did you even go home at all?" she asked him.
"I went home."
Bianca clicked on the floor lamp in the living room, retied the strap on her chilli red bathrobe, then flopped down on the sofa. "So what is it you needed to see me about?"
For a moment, Lee stood still, a rare seriousness covering his face, something she never saw before. He then pulled a CD from his pocket, but Bianca could not make out the label.
The anxiety bubbled up inside her stomach. "You know you can take off your coat?" she said to him.
Lee shook his head. "I won't be here long."
Bianca's mood now changed from innocent curiosity to serious concern.
"I have something I want to share with you, but before I do, I have to tell you one thing first," he said.
She swallowed hard, anxiously awaiting his words, almost afraid of what she might hear. After everything that she endured with the demise of her family, now was not the time for more bad news. With a baited sigh, she sat back, crossed her legs and tried to keep an open mind. It wasn't necessarily bad news; it could even be good news.
"First, I want you to know that I accept everything that you said tonight, and that I am by no means trying to change your mind."
Bianca's eyes locked in with his, the palm of her hands sweating in anticipation. "Okay," she said.
"But. I want you to listen to something for me."
Her eyes followed him as he inserted the CD into the stereo disc player. The suspense gnawed at her stomach. Because of the hour and his unusual, adamant demand to see her, this would not be a little something. This would be a big something. He moved towards the floor lamp, clicked it off, then stood next to the stereo disc player. He was just about to push the play button, and then said. "I want you to listen to this song and really listen to the words, all of them."
Bianca's eyes widened as she nodded and waited to be lured off her feet. Enough was enough, and if he made her wait any longer, she was about to scream in apprehension.
Finally the song played through, and she recognized the sweet upbeat tune. Though she had heard it before, she could not make out the title right away. It was an old, old, Bee Gees song
: I Just Want to Be Your Everything, a song she loved for many years, so much that she owned a copy herself. As Lee instructed, she listened to the words with a meticulous ear, because for the first time, these words were directed at her. And that was no small potato.
All the times she had heard the song before, she never imagined in fifty years that one day that the beautiful heartfelt words I would wait forever for those lips of wine, those words, those wonderful words, would be dedicated to her. As the words rang through the two speakers, Bianca peered at Lee's calm figure standing near the entertainment center. He didn't move and didn't make a sound.
The lyrics were exuberant and Bianca wasn't exactly sure what exuberant meant, but it was definitely something wonderful. That she did know. Her head hung down and she wiped the single teardrop from her face. It would be moments before she would make eye contact with the sweet man before her. Once the song played through, Lee planted himself next to Bianca and gently lifted her head upwards, and said, "I'll do anything to be your everything."
Was she hearing this right?
Was she really that special to him?
Though she appreciated his sincerity, his timing was not good. Maybe if she had known this weeks ago, things could have been different, but she was overtaken with a monstrous passion to explore her individuality and find out what lurked inside, and love was not on the agenda. Still teary eyed and almost saddened by the moment, Bianca was speechless and reborn.
Finally, in an almost suspended state, she said, "That was so beautiful, Lee. Thank you. Were those words meant for my ears, or was I dreaming?"
"You weren't dreaming, and, yes, they were meant for your ears."
The lyrics were probably an exaggeration, but if just a few of the words rang true in Lee's heart, it was much more than anyone had ever done for her before. She now knew how he truly felt about her, and it was more than flattering.
They shared a long silence until Lee finally broke it. "I thought it was important that I let you know how I really felt. I'm not asking you to choose me, because I have already chosen you. The feeling that I have for you is more than strong."
