by Rhian Cahill
Shit. He swallowed. No bra.
His brain shut down, starved of oxygen as every drop of blood flowed south.
She arched one dark eyebrow. “Moonlighting?”
“I…” he licked his lips, swallowed again. “You…”
A smile kicked up one side of her mouth. “Yes?”
He didn’t think — couldn’t think. He lunged, dropping the pizza box on the floor inside her doorway and grabbing her. Kicking out behind him, he slammed the door and spun them around.
Her back was pressed against the closed door, his thigh wedged between her legs, his mouth on hers as the world tilted. Parker had known he was hooked. Always known. But this…God, this wasn’t lust. He’d done lust, enjoyed it, sought it. He knew it. This wasn’t it. This was…something else.
His mind spun, blood pounded and one word echoed in his head — more.
Her lips parted on a gasp of need when he pressed his thigh harder against her sex and he licked into her mouth, hunted her tongue with his. Her fingers clawed at his back, her hips rocked, dragging the heat of her up and down his leg. Palming a breast, he growled in the back of his throat as the hard nipple dug into his hand. He had to have that taunting bud in his mouth.
Tearing free of her lips, he lowered his head and pushed the weight of her breast up. Through the tank he sucked hard and fast, and feasted.
Kandy, sweet sweet Kandy.
Even through the material he could taste her, smell her. Hot and sweet, she rolled over his tongue, through his blood, sank deep in his bones. A shot of sugar no amount of insulin stood a chance of controlling.
The rush, the need, the want, it drove him, pushed him to take, to taste, to devour.
He wanted it all. Everything. Now. Forever. Her. He had to have her. Again and again, he wanted to sink into the heat of her, the soft wet centre she’d given him a taste of. He’d do anything to be there again.
Anything.
“Stop.” She pushed against his shoulders. “Parker. Stop.”
Letting go of her nipple, he raised his eyes to hers, saw the desire, the panic, the guilt, the regret…and stepped back. He couldn’t let her go entirely though – his hands spanned her hips, his thumbs rubbing circles on the silky smooth skin just above the waistband of her shorts.
“We need to stop. We can’t do this again.”
Her breath panted in and out, the pulse at her throat hammered beneath her skin and a slash of colour filled her cheeks. Her body told him her rejection had nothing to do with lack of desire.
“Why?” The word shredded his throat like a cheese grater.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise. Tell me what it is. I’ll fix it.” Whatever it was, they’d work around it. All that mattered was having her under him, surrounding him.
“I lied.”
“Doesn’t matter.” He didn’t care.
She shook her head, her eyes pleading with him to understand.
Jesus. She didn’t get it.
He didn’t give a rat’s arse about what lay between them. He’d forgive everything, anything.
She owned him.
Completely.
He should have seen it coming. Should have known the hook was line and sinker too.
***
Kandy couldn’t catch her breath, didn’t think she had the brainpower to work out how to slow down her thumping heart either.
God. He’d blown her mind. Put his lips on hers and, boom, smithereens.
They stared at each other, the only sound harsh breaths rasping through airways. His gaze probed, picked and searched with an intensity no one else ever had.
His eyes softened, his face relaxing, and he reached up to cup her cheek. “Kandy.”
He saw too much. She felt it in his touch, saw it in his gaze. Lowering her eyelids, she turned away. “Don’t.”
“K.” He gripped her chin and turned her back, dropped his head until his brow pressed against hers. “Don’t shut me out. Talk to me.”
Eyes closed, she shook her head.
“Please.”
Her throat tightened. His pleading tone dug claws into her, made her regret her actions more. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You said. I believe you. I forgive you.” He didn’t move. His head still pressed to hers, she felt his warm breath fanning her face. “What are you sorry for?”
“I-I…lied.”
“About?”
“I’m n-not…”
She hadn’t opened her eyes. Couldn’t. Didn’t want to see the accusation, the contempt, the hatred. Wouldn’t be able to tolerate it if he looked at her that way. She licked her lips and swallowed. God, she needed to tell him.
The urge to get this over with burst through her. If he was going to hate her, she wanted it done. Then he could leave and she could fall apart on her own. Sucking in a breath, she let it out in a rush of words.
“I lied about being on the pill.”
Silence. So deep and dead she couldn’t breathe.
She refused to open her eyes, to witness the moment her words sank in and Parker’s feelings turned from lust to loathing. She couldn’t watch him go from being her friend who flirted and teased until she smiled to a man who couldn’t stand the sight of her.
With four words she’d doomed a lifetime of friendship, a night of passion, to the dark depths of revulsion.
Disgusted with her own behaviour, she didn’t need Parker piling his hatred on top. In the last two weeks she’d beaten herself up enough for both of them.
“Look at me.”
The harsh demand had her eyes popping wide.
They were so close. His head still rested on hers and his eyes…God, they were bright blue and clear, no revulsion, no reprimand, no contempt. No anger.
“Why?”
“You’re not angry?”
“No. Anger is not what I’m feeling right now.” He stepped back, grabbed her hand and tugged her away from the door. “Come and sit down.”
“But…” Parker smiled and whatever she was going to say fell right out of her head.
He bent down and picked up the pizza box, flipped open the lid. “Still looks good.” He glanced up. “I’m starved. Let’s eat.”
Parker didn’t let her argue or have a choice. He wove his fingers through hers and led her to the couch. Urging her down, he placed the pizza on the coffee table and headed for the kitchen. And all she could do was sit there in stunned silence and watch him go.
“What are our drink choices?” he called out as he opened the fridge. “Hmm…OJ, water, milk?”
“W-water,” she stammered, the word catching in her constricted throat.
He was back, sitting beside her, in a few seconds. Cracking the lid on a bottle, he handed it to her then opened his own and took a healthy swig. “Okay, what have we got?” Leaning forward, he surveyed her order. “All meat, huh? A girl after my own heart.”
She stifled a snort of laughter. It wasn’t his heart she’d been after. Her gaze dropped to his lap. He was still hard from their hot and heavy session against the door. A shiver tiptoed down her spine and tap-danced on her clit.
God. What the hell was she doing? She’d taken something from him that she couldn’t return. Something that might have life-changing consequences and her treacherous hormones had her remembering how good it felt to be with him. How he’d seen to her pleasure — multiple times — before his own. How she’d never experienced anything like it, never felt so wanted, so cherished.
“Not hungry?” he asked around a mouthful of pizza.
Snapped out of her thoughts, Kandy stared at him. What was he thinking? He was acting as though she hadn’t confessed. As though this was any other time they’d hung out. Like nothing had changed between them.
She’d expected yelling, anger, disgust. Instead she had a bottle of water and a shared pizza. It confused her.
He confused her.
***
Parker waited until Kandy took a bite of pizza
to start asking questions. “So what’s the plan?”
She brought a hand up to cover her mouth and mumbled, “Plan?”
“If you’re pregnant, what’s the plan?”
“Oh.” She swallowed, took a sip of water. “I don’t have one.” With a shrug, she added, “I didn’t think that far ahead.”
Exactly what he thought. What she’d done hadn’t been premeditated. Which meant the passion between them was real. “So are you?” he asked.
“Am I what?”
“Pregnant.”
“Oh. No. Maybe.” She frowned. “I don’t know.”
“We should find out.” There had to be a late-night pharmacy around here somewhere. Did they sell pregnancy tests in the supermarket? He’d never looked.
“I, um, have a test here.”
“Great. We’ll do it after dinner.”
“Why are you being so calm about this?”
He shrugged. “Getting worked up isn’t going to change the outcome.” He wasn’t about to tell her he hoped she was pregnant.
The second she’d uttered ‘I lied about being on the pill’ an image of her, belly swollen with his baby had appeared in his head. He’d ached with the vision. If he hadn’t already known he was a done deal where Kandy was concerned, that reaction would have cemented the truth in technicolour imagery.
Now he just had to keep her from panicking. He could see it, the flutter of anxiety that had hold of her.
“I don’t understand you,” she muttered.
She didn’t need to get his motivation right now. What she needed was someone to keep things steady. He had a feeling she was about to go rocking out of control. One of them needed to keep their head. And if he wanted to turn their possibility into reality, it needed to be him. Parker smiled.
“Why are you smiling? I lied to you, stole something that you can never get back. Something that might have life-altering consequences.” Her voice rose higher, tighter, with each word.
“What had that desolate look on your face today?” He switched topics to keep her from going over the edge. At her blank look, he added, “At work?”
“Oh.” She stared at the slice of pizza in her hand. “I saw Jack with Elle.”
“Jack and Elle make you sad?”
“No.” She rolled her lips between her teeth. “They, um…”
He waited her out. She’d either tell him or not. He wished like hell she would, but he could live without knowing all her secrets. For now.
“They make me envious.”
“You didn’t look jealous. You looked sad. Devastated.”
She licked her lips. “I want that.”
“That?”
“Marriage. Children.” She shrugged. “I know the way I feel when I see them together is horrible and selfish, but why can’t I have that? What makes them so special? What’s wrong with me that no guy wants me, loves me, to the distraction of everything else?”
Parker wanted to say he loved her to the distraction of all else. He wanted to confess he hoped she was pregnant with his baby so he had that connection for life. But neither of them was ready for her to hear that.
He needed to prove himself and his emotions and, unfortunately, the possibility of Kandy being pregnant practically guaranteed he couldn’t. Not easily. They might not be as close as he’d like, but he knew her, knew she wouldn’t believe any confessions of love right now. She’d think they were brought on by the situation.
Damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.
“Maybe you haven’t met the right guy. Or you’re looking in the wrong places.” He stupidly had the urge to wave his arms in the air and yell ‘pick me’.
She closed her eyes and dropped her head back against the couch with a sigh. “I hate myself right now.”
“That’s a little extreme.” He wanted to pull her close and hold her tight.
“I’ve turned into someone I don’t recognise.” Twisting her head, she opened her eyes and looked at him with such regret his heart ached. “I really am sorry.”
He scowled. “I already told you I forgive you.” He hated that she didn’t trust him enough to accept his words.
“I’ll believe that when the results are negative.”
“My forgiveness isn’t reliant on a yes or no.” Parker willed her to see his sincerity. He had no other words to convince her and doubted they would if he did.
“Hmm…”
“You’re off tomorrow, right?” He knew she was. He’d checked the roster before coming over here.
“Ah, yeah.”
“Me too. I was planning on seeing a movie. Want to join me?” It wouldn’t be the first time they’d gone out together. Of course this time would be different. He’d make sure of it.
“Um…”
“I’ll pay for the popcorn,” he said with a grin.
He watched the internal fight rage in her eyes and was on the verge of putting forward another argument when she briefly closed her eyes and let out another deep sigh. “Sure. I don’t have anything else planned.”
Well it wasn’t the most enthusiastic acceptance he’d ever had, but he’d take it.
He’d take anything she had to give.
***
Parker held her hand tight in his, as though he thought she might run away, while they walked along the waterfront. He’d taken her to a matinee session at the IMAX theatre in Darling Harbour. She hadn’t expected that.
He’d bought them a large box of buttered popcorn, a bag of sour worms, a box of maltesers and a drink to share.
It felt like a date.
And now they were strolling hand in hand, checking out the restaurants along the wharf to find somewhere to eat.
Definitely felt like a date.
“So…” She lost the nerve to ask.
He smiled down at her. “So what?”
“Um, is this your usual” — she waved her free hand between them — “MO?”
“MO?”
“Modus operandi.”
Parker laughed. “I know what MO means.”
“Oh.”
“I’m wondering what you’re referring to though.” He squeezed her hand gently.
Dammit. He was going to make her say it. With a scowl she muttered, “Dates. Do you treat all your dates this way?”
He pulled on her hand, turned towards her and tugged her in the last few inches with a hand on her hip. “You ask that as though you think I do this all the time.”
His gaze drilled hers, his eyes telegraphing something she couldn’t decipher. “Don’t you?”
“No.” He leaned in, brushed his nose along hers before dropping a quick kiss on the tip. “C’mon, the place up here has great steaks.”
Kandy let the subject drop, let him lead her to the restaurant and decide whether to sit inside or out. He fussed over the choice, wondered if her fair skin would get burned before the sun dropped behind the high-rise buildings on the other side of the harbour. His concern sent a flutter of pleasure through her, reminded her of how he’d put her first on so many occasions.
Like last night.
Instead of insisting she take the pregnancy test he’d commented on the bruises of exhaustion beneath her eyes, cleaned up, kissed her goodnight and prodded her to go to bed early.
“Hey, what are you thinking about?” He brushed his fingertips down her arm making her shiver.
“You.”
Parker grinned. “Only good things I hope.”
“What are we doing?”
“Having dinner.” More finger strokes over her bare skin. “Then…”
Her insides trembled. The way he dropped his voice, the husky tone whispering through her ears, echoing around her head. Memories of their night together flooded through her, of that bedroom tenor while he’d given her more pleasure than she’d known existed.
She shuddered with a full body shake. “Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“This isn’t a date. We’re not seeing each other. I lied to
you and now we’re stuck in limbo.”
Parker leaned forward, his gaze intense, his face serious. “This is a date. The first of many. And no matter what happens in the future, I’ll be right here.”
“I… But —”
“Don’t.” He cupped her jaw. “Remember what I said yesterday at work?”
Kandy shook her head.
“I’ll find you.”
“What?” Nothing between them made sense. Not this conversation, not the lie or the fact she’d gone home with him in the first place.
“I’m not letting you get away. We’ve got something, you and I.” His thumb stroked her bottom lip, his fingers warm against her cheek. “And it’s not only the possibility of being parents. You can run, you can hide, you can ignore me, but be warned, I will wait for you.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s always been you,” he said with a confidence she didn’t understand.
She didn’t have time to question him because the waiter arrived to take their order. When they were alone again Parker steered the conversation in a different direction, kept deflecting whenever she tried to steer it back.
He talked about work, about his family and hers, about his love of Santa’s Village, how the Christmas season was his favourite time of year: anything and everything, as if they hadn’t known each other for years, as if this was their first date, as if they were attempting to discover if there would be a second.
She did know him. It surprised her just how much of what he revealed she knew without even realising it.
By the time he took her home, kissed her senseless at her door and left, Kandy had no idea what they were doing or where they were going.
Other than the one time, Parker hadn’t mentioned the consequences of her lie, and it hadn’t been an accusation. He’d pushed it aside as though it didn’t matter, didn’t change a thing between them.
After crawling into bed, she tossed and turned for hours, chaotic thoughts racing around her head.
As she drifted off to sleep somewhere in the small hours of the morning, she vowed to corner him, to confront the elephant in the room, take the test and find out for sure if her lie had screwed up both their lives.
