by Meg Jolie
“If it was that important to you, I wouldn’t have told,” I insisted.
He nodded. “Okay. But how about this? What if my parents found out? And then what if Jamie found out that you knew and didn’t tell her?” he paused. He was waiting for the question to sink in. “She would’ve been pissed at you. How fair would that have been? I didn’t want to put you in the middle like that. I didn’t want to risk the strain on your friendship. It didn’t seem fair.”
I just sat there, looking at him from across the room. What he had just said, that he was worried about my friendship with Jamie…that made sense. I felt my anger begin to die off, just a bit.
“So things with Jayde are…”
“Platonic,” he said immediately. His tone was absolute.
“Then why was she giving me such attitude the night we met?” I demanded. “You blew it off. But I’m telling you, she was.”
“I don’t know. I guess maybe she was worried you would interfere with the band? She commented on it at first. When she found out we started dating because, yeah, I was kind of excited about it. They lost their original drummer when he met some girl. I think she was afraid that we were finally getting the kinks worked out. And then I would up and leave. That’s the only thing I can think of. If she was giving you attitude, it was band related. It had nothing to do with me,” Tristan tried to assure me. “She’s not into me. I’m not into her. I swear it.”
Did I believe that? I just didn’t know. Not yet.
“You said you were never alone with her, but that’s not true.” I forced the words out of my mouth. “Friday night, you looked…really…close.” Tears were threatening again. I wanted to believe him. But when trust is fractured, it isn’t always so easy to fuse it back together again.
“Friday night,” he shook his head. “Yeah. Okay, that night was an exception. The apartment that we were at? It’s an apartment over Perry’s dad’s garage. It’s soundproof. It’s where we practice. Friday night, Perry picked her up. She needed a ride home because something was up with her car. I thought it was the least that I could do. They took me in when the band was more or less complete. But they agreed I could play keyboard. Not all bands have keyboardists. I had to play for them and then it took a while for them to decide. Jayde is the lead singer. She said she thought the keyboards added a unique sound. She pushed the rest of them to let me in because she thought the sound would set them apart. When she asked if I’d mind giving her a ride home, I didn’t feel like I could say no.”
“Why were you walking arm in arm?” I demanded.
He shrugged and made a face like he really didn’t have any idea. “I don’t know. She just looped her arm through mine. I didn’t think anything of it. She’d just told us that she lined up a night at Pulse for us. It usually takes a while to get in. They had a cancellation and they were glad we could commit at the last minute. Everyone was in a good mood.” He shook his head again. “It didn’t mean anything, I swear.” He was quiet for a moment.
I was still processing. Everything he said made sense. I couldn’t decide if I was mad or not. No, that wasn’t true. I was mad. I just couldn’t decide if I should be or if I was just hanging onto my anger out of habit.
“Look,” he finally said. “I want to say that I would never willingly jeopardize what we have…or had…but I guess I did. I didn’t mean to. But I did.”
“You told me I was smothering you.” The memory had come from out of nowhere.
“No, Britta. I didn’t mean you. My parents. Well, my dad, he’s smothering me. He always has. That’s why I needed this. I needed this one thing that’s just mine.”
“When I asked if you had a good time with Jayde…” Ugh. Stupid tears that just wanted to fall… “Why did you say yes?” My voice cracked and I blinked away tears. My mind had taken that comment and had spun it into an entire, dangerous web of unpleasant ideas.
His face hardened. “Because you were with Corey. I didn’t know what to think. But you got out of his car. He slipped his arm around you and I just… I wasn’t thinking clearly. I’ve always been worried you would go back to him. I mean…you were in love with the guy, right?” His voice sounded strained. I didn’t bother to answer. “So I guess I just said the first stupid thing that came to mind.” He took a shuddering breath. “Are you two…ah, are you back together?”
I ignored his question.
“Where did you go Friday night? Why were you out so late?” A small, worried little part of me was still afraid that he’d been with Jayde.
He looked away before looking back at me. His expression was unreadable. “After you and Corey left, I pretty much headed straight home, too. The whole way, I was planning on coming over here. I wanted to tell you everything. I wanted to clear things up right away. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for you to notice me. And now you have. And I didn’t want it to be over. But of course when I got home, Corey’s car was in your driveway. So I sat in my driveway waiting for him to leave. I waited…and waited…and waited…” He shook his head and looked away. When he spoke again, his voice was strained. “He never left. And I couldn’t just sit there, with you four houses down, knowing you were inside with Corey. Wondering what you were doing…So…I left. I just drove around for a few hours.”
Silence enveloped us once more.
He’d lied to me. Only he hadn’t lied to me. He’d just…deceived me. And really, deception was just as bad as a flat out lie. Wasn’t it? At first I wanted to think that yes, it was. There was no way around it. Yet I realized that in a way, he did it for me. Because he didn’t want to jeopardize my friendship with Jamie.
And while part of me wondered if that was an excuse, I had to face a fact. I knew Tristan. And I knew him well enough to believe that it wasn’t just an excuse.
It was the truth.
“Will you please say something?” he quietly pleaded.
“Now what?” I asked. “You went to all of this trouble to keep the band a secret. And now I’m still supposed to keep it from Jamie? Because, for the record, I will. If it’s important to you, I will.”
He let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah, well. It’s not necessary anymore. You can imagine how mad my parents were after Friday night. I’m not supposed to even leave the house for a week.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “How did you end up over here?”
“I had to tell them everything. They weren’t even going to let me come over. But I finally told them everything because I knew it was the only way I’d be able to see you. I told them that I misled you. I told them I had to tell you the truth and that I had to make you understand. I told them that you thought I had cheated on you and that I just couldn’t let you believe that. Dad thought I could wait to explain. Grounded is grounded. Mom intervened. I think only because it’s you. She heard Jamie and me talking and she was worried about how you’re taking it. My mom loves you, you know. She let me come over for your sake, basically. She wanted you to know that I didn’t do what you thought I did. I may be an ass and I definitely made a mistake. But I didn’t cheat on you.”
I rested my head on the back of my chair and closed my eyes. This was all so much to take in.
“Are we over? Did we break up?” He paused and I didn’t jump in with an answer. “Is there a chance we can fix this?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head as I looked at him again. I felt like crying for an entirely different reason than the one that had been plaguing me for the past two days. Tristan hadn’t cheated on me. But I had cheated on him. How the hell had that happened?
He blew out a hurt sigh. “Are you and Corey back together? Did you guys work everything out?”
“No.” I shook my head. “But…” I didn’t want to say it.
“But…?” he pressed. When I didn’t say anything, he continued on. “It doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots on that one,” he said quietly. “I don’t need you to paint me a full-blown picture. I can figure out for myself what happened.” He s
tarted to get to his feet.
“We just kissed,” I admitted with a cringe. My next words came out in a gush. “Once. It was one kiss. While he was leaving. I grabbed his hand to lead him to the door and all of a sudden, he was right there. And he just—” Tristan winced and I cut myself off. “It didn’t mean anything. I thought we broke up. You and I, I mean. I thought we broke up.”
He slumped back down. “Just kissed.” The hurt on his face, in his voice, cut straight to my heart.
“I’m sorry,” I said. For what it was worth, it was the truth.
He shrugged and though he tried, he failed to keep his voice light. “Hey, whatever. You thought we broke up. I guess we did. So…” He shrugged again. It came across as a helpless gesture. “I wasn’t honest with you. You kissed Corey.” He leaned forward, elbows on knees, face in his hands. When he returned his gaze to me, he didn’t look so good. “Sounds like things are kind of a mess.”
“Yeah, kind of,” I quietly agreed. Both of us were undoubtedly clear that it was quite the understatement. It hit me then. Corey kissed me. And I’d let him. I’d let him! What had I been thinking?
Truthfully, I really hadn’t been. But that was no excuse.
I felt ill. I probably felt as ill as Tristan looked at that moment.
I was watching him. He couldn’t seem to look at me. I could feel his tension and his hurt from across the room. I knew then I needed to decide what I wanted. Could I forgive him? Now that he’d explained things, were they really so bad? A part of me thought that yes, they were. But then another, more logical part of me asked...Were things really so bad that I was willing to walk away from Tristan? Or were they worth fixing?
Could he forgive me?
The thought of walking away from Tristan…of walking away from us…it caused a feeling of panic to course through me. We’d both acted impulsively and we’d both made mistakes. But neither of us had intentionally hurt the other. And I’d definitely hurt him. That was clear by the look on his face.
I got up from my chair and walked over to him. He glanced up just as I settled onto the couch next to him.
“You asked before if we could fix this?” He nodded. “Now I’m asking you. Can we? I’m so sorry about Corey. It was stupid to even let him come in the other night. I was such a wreck, thinking you and I were over. I spent most of the time crying all over him. About you.” This got a small smile from Tristan. “Mostly, he just handed my tissues. Can you forgive me?”
“It was just a kiss…? Nothing else?” he asked. His voice was quiet and it made me ache. I wanted to fix this. I was surprised when he asked, “I mean…do you still feel something for him?”
I shook my head. “I don’t.”
He nodded and for the first time, he looked just a bit relieved. I think I did, too.
“I want to be with you. Only you. More than anything. No more secrets? No more lies?” I asked.
“No. No more. Because yeah,” he said. For the first time the smallest of smiles worked its way onto his lips. “I want to fix this. I love you and I don’t want some stupid mistake to ruin it all.”
I raised my eyebrows at him. I felt my mouth open but no words came out.
He let out a small laugh. “Sorry. Maybe it’s too soon to be saying that. But it really shouldn’t be a surprise. I think I’ve loved you since I was like, twelve, or something.”
I slid my arms around his neck and he crushed me in a hug. I knew instantly I’d made the right decision. I was flooded with relief and happiness and…I realized something.
“I love you, too.”
20
“Are you sure you’re not mad?” Willow asked.
It was Monday afternoon. We were at Common Grounds because Willow and Jamie both had the afternoon off. We were making final plans for the dance on Saturday night. It had seemed so far off. And now it was almost here.
“Will you stop?” I asked with a laugh. “I am not mad! In fact…I’m happy for you.” Maybe happy was a stretch. More like calmly ambivalent.
Not only had Corey readily agreed to go to the dance with Willow, but he’d asked her out. On a date. For the following weekend. She’d accepted. Then she’d panicked thinking I would be mad. I wasn’t. If they were already going to the dance together, what did a date matter?
“Will it be weird for you?” she asked. Her brows were furrowed in concern. “I mean, if we all go together on Saturday night?”
I had to laugh at that. It would be weird but it would be fine.
Jamie cut in. “Excuse me? Weird for Britta? What about weird for me? I’m going to be spending the night hanging out with my brother.”
“Aw,” I said, teasing her, “you love your brother. You know you do.” I smiled at her and then reached for my mint hot chocolate. I had converted to mint, possibly indefinitely.
She nodded. “Right. But that’s not the point. I don’t want to see anything out of the two of you except maybe some handholding.”
“Hmm,” I said noncommittally. I wasn’t going to be foolish enough to agree. Not that I planned on making a spectacle. But I wasn’t going to promise that I wouldn’t try to steal a kiss. Or readily hand one over if Tristan wanted one.
She took a loud, annoying slurp of her smoothie. “You’re just lucky Mom intervened.”
I nodded. I was lucky. If Robert had had his way, Tristan would’ve been grounded indefinitely. That wouldn’t have just interfered with his band, but with the dance as well. But Anna had stepped in. She’d decided that if they hadn’t been so strict in the first place, Tristan wouldn’t have felt compelled to lie to them. She told Robert they needed to use this as a learning experience in their parenting. She’d recently read a book that warned if you smothered your children, they were more likely to rebel.
Anna had decided that they were smothering.
And that Tristan was rebelling.
Therefore, it wasn’t entirely his fault. As parents, they had pushed him to it. Tristan didn’t entirely agree. But he was smart enough not to argue.
After a lengthy family discussion, it had been decided that Tristan’s transgressions would be overlooked this one time. This came with a required promise that they would all work at having a more open relationship.
Meanwhile, he’d been able to return to his band practice. That had only been agreed upon after Tristan did everything short of signing a legal agreement promising he wouldn’t forgo college. His parents weren’t exactly happy about it. But Anna had decided it was better he play now than rebel later by possibly not getting the education they so desperately wanted him to get.
So he was allowed to practice. Their band, annoyingly named Jayded, would be performing at Pulse on Friday night. The night before the dance. Jamie, Willow and I all intended to be there.
“You are lucky,” Willow agreed. “If it weren’t for Anna, you wouldn’t have had a date to the dance.” She paused and then gave me a teasing grin. “I’m not so sure I’d want to borrow Corey back to you.”
“Haha,” I said sarcastically. “Pretty sure I wouldn’t want to borrow Corey from you.”
“Okay, no bickering over boys,” Jamie said as she overtook the conversation again. “Back to our plans for Friday night.”
She had a small notebook in front of her. She was actually making a schedule for Saturday, broken down by the hour. Her mom had agreed to let us start out our day with complimentary massages, manicures and pedicures.
Yeah, we felt lucky for sure.
“We should be done by four,” Jamie noted. She tapped the pen against her mouth. “Then to my house? To get dressed and do our hair? Oh,” she said with a tiny frown, “maybe we should go to your house, Britta? So Tristan doesn’t see you getting ready?”
I laughed. “It’s a dance. Not a wedding. But either way is fine. I’m sure my mom would love it if we got ready at our house.”
“Sounds good to me,” Willow agreed.
“That gives us two hours,” Jamie noted. “To do our hair, make-up and get dr
essed.” She must’ve decided that was enough because she didn’t make any adjustments to the schedule. “And then dinner at six-thirty.” She smiled sweetly at me. “At Luca’s. Tristan insisted and he made the reservation himself a few weeks ago.”
“We don’t have to go there,” I said. I was suddenly worried. Luca’s was pretty extravagant. I was worried about Willow. I didn’t want to point that out. Luckily, she jumped in.
“I’m dying to go to Luca’s!” she said. “Corey and I decided we’d pay our own way, you know, since it was a last minute thing. And because we’re not really dating.” She looked at me. “My parents were so relieved they didn’t have to come up with the dress or the shoes. So they said they’d give me money for the meal.”
“Okay, good,” I said. I let out a silent sigh of relief.
“Sorry I’m late!” Krista announced. She plopped her cardboard cup down on the table. I thought I could smell the scent of chai wafting out. Her cheeks were flushed, as if she’d been hurrying. None of us were surprised. Lateness was just a quirk we endured when it came to Krista. She didn’t even bother offering an excuse for her tardiness. “What did I miss?”
She dumped herself down in the booth next to Jamie. Jamie slid the notebook over for Krista to peek at. “Did I forget anything?”
“Massages, pedicures, manicures, hair…” Krista kept mumbling to herself as she went down the list. “No. This looks good. There’s enough time in between. It should all work just fine.” She turned to Willow. “I’m dying to see the dress you found!”
I was fairly sure Krista was under the impression that Willow and I went shopping without her. After Willow decided she wanted to go to the dance after all.
“Oh! Me, too!” Jamie said, cutting Krista off from asking anymore questions.
“Hey, um…?” Willow said. Her tone was questioning and I glanced at her. She had a wrinkle between her brows. I realized she was looking toward the front of the coffee shop. I followed her gaze.
