“Skye would never believe her.”
Not after all I told her about Amanda and my father.
“Yeah, what makes you so sure?”
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. How can I be so sure? I didn’t believe Skye, so what basis do I have to expect her to believe me over anything Amanda may have said and my father confirmed?
There’s a knock on the door, and Bruno disappears into the bathroom at lightning speed. I guess he really is trying to sneak in unseen.
I close my eyes and try to slow down my breath, faking sleep. I don’t want to see anyone, and maybe if they think I’m sleeping, they’ll go away and I can hear what else Bruno has to say. I want to believe him with every fiber of my being. I need to believe him. Part of me still denies what he said. Could it be? Could he really be gay?
I listen carefully but hear nothing. I give it another thirty seconds to be sure whoever came in has left and open my eyes.
And she’s here. Skye is standing at the foot of the bed, almost unrecognizable. She’s wearing a Riggins baseball cap and a large hoodie that swallows her and hides her face and body. She looks like a teen boy in the shapeless and masculine clothes. But I’d recognize her small frame anywhere. She looks at me and pulls the hoodie down. The beautiful golden hair is tucked under the cap and hidden. Her blue eyes are huge on her pale face. And like the first time I saw her, there’s not an ounce of makeup on her face. Not even the shimmer of lip gloss. And yet, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
So many emotions cross her delicate face. Relief, grief, hurt, hope, anger, love. I drink her in and send a silent thank you up into the universe that I survived and was granted a second chance to see her again.
I brace myself on the bed and push my body up with a wince as the sharp pain reminds me I was shot just three days ago.
I open my mouth to speak, not knowing what I’ll say, but she lifts a hand and silences me.
Chapter Sixty
He’s okay.
He’s okay. I knew this.
Pat stayed in touch with her sister at the hospital and passed along all the information to me. But still, to hear about it and see it—see him with my own eyes—makes a world of difference. The weight of worry drifts off my shoulders and makes me feel ten feet tall. Good. I will need it.
“I have a few things to say to you, Logan, and you will listen.”
My voice wavers, but I push on.
“I tried to imagine what it was like for you to come into my room and see what you saw. I looked at it from your point of view, and I have to say if the roles were reversed, I don’t know that I’d react any differently than you did.”
I wait to make sure he’s awake enough to understand me. He nods.
“All I have is my word as proof that nothing happened between Bruno and me. Not that night, not ever. And it never will. There’s a reason Bruno was in my bed that night. He had a fight with his b—with Sidney. They broke up, and he was upset. I didn’t want him to drive in that bad weather when he was so upset. There’s more to it, but it's not my story to tell and I made a promise I have no intention of breaking. Just like I made a promise to you, even though you don’t know it.”
His head tilts in curiosity, but he stays silent. I’m grateful for it.
“I made a silent promise to you I’d never be like the people in your family or like your ex. I’d never pressure you into being someone you’re not or doing something you don’t want to. And I intend to stick to that promise. But I can’t let things stand as they are right now. I can’t allow you to think I’d cheat on you or hurt you like that. You don’t have to believe me, and honestly? I don’t expect you to. God knows, I’d have one heck of a time believing you if I found you in bed with another woman.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. This is it. This might be the last time I have a chance to see him, talk to him. I don’t expect to run into him in our neighborhood. We lived on the same street for three years and never met. Once the spring semester begins, I’ll be so busy with classes and applications for jobs that there won’t be much free time. There will be no more surprise visits on campus and sneaking away for lunch and make-out sessions between classes.
“That’s all I have to say. I wish you well. I hope you recover fast, and I hope—”
My voice breaks, and I have to take several breaths before I can speak again. “I hope that one day, you’ll allow yourself to love again and that she’ll love you as much as I do.”
His eyes widen as my words sink in. As he understands that this is my goodbye.
“You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved for you and only you. And I wish you that.”
I suck in another breath.
“Thank you. Thank you for seeing me. I will always have this, and I’m grateful for it.”
There’s a commotion outside the door that has us both looking at it. The door opens with a bang as it smashes against the wall. And in its frame stands the ex. Amanda. Perfectly dressed, as always. I don’t need this. I was about to leave. Couldn’t I have ten more seconds, God? Is that too much to ask for?
“What is this?” Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.
She looks outside and yells at the nurses and whoever else is around.
“Didn’t we give explicit instructions to keep her away from him?” She points at me, the ugly rock shining on her ring finger.
People scurry outside.
“Larry? Larry!”
Who the hell is Larry? Logan’s father appears at the door. Oh, I guess that’s Larry. How did I not know his father’s name?
They both walk in, and Amanda is making such a circus about my being in the room that I expect elephants and clowns to parade in at any second now.
The movie playing in my mind, combined with the stress of the last few days and the relief of seeing Logan, has the strangest effect on me, and I giggle. The giggles turn into laughs. The kind of laugh you can’t stop and takes your breath away. A door opens, and Bruno comes out of the bathroom. Was he there this whole time? This strikes me as even funnier, and the laughs grow. They all stare at me, different reactions painted on their faces. Anger on Amanda’s face, annoyance on Logan’s father’s, Bruno looks worried, and Logan . . . Logan looks like he’s in shock. Amanda’s screeching brings more people into the room. Two nurses stand just inside the door, and a visitor from another room spies from the hall.
Tears are streaming down my face, and my cheeks hurt from all the laughing. I lift one hand, fanning my face, place the other on my chest, and take a few deep breaths. Silence fills the room.
I cross my arms over my chest and face them, and as I do, I realize I’m no longer the same insecure and scared girl from months ago. I’m no longer the same girl who fell for Logan so hard and didn’t think she was good enough for him, or anyone else, for that matter. In that moment of hysterical laughter, when everything seemed to be falling apart around me, something else cracked. My biggest fears have all come to pass and I’m still standing. Fear of loving someone who didn’t love me. Fear of losing that love if it was ever returned. Fear of rejection. Fear of never being good enough.
Fear that kept me in the shadows because God forbid, someone actually saw me and saw all of my flaws and insecurities. But here I am. Exposed. To Logan, the man I love. Bruno, the best friend I never confessed my fears to. Logan’s father, a powerful and intimidating man. Amanda, a beautiful and confident woman and the representation of everything I can never be. And let’s not forget all these strangers. People I never saw before but who are sure judging me right now. And how much do you want to bet that, now that I’ve made a fool of myself, I’ll be running into them every other day?
All eyes are on me. I’ve always wondered how River managed all the attention she gets. What would River do in this situation? It’s so surreal. No scenario I played in my head as I decided to come here today prepared me for this. It was supposed to be a stealth operation. I was supposed to be a ninja this morning. Go
in, say my piece, get out. Job done. Not quite, it appears.
Amanda sneers at me.
“Who do you think you are? How dare you come here and try to steal my fiancé?”
I roll my eyes. Is this how River feels all the time? This cool and aloof and in control?
“Please. You are not, nor have you ever been, his fiancée. He dumped your skinny cheating ass years ago. Buying yourself an ugly ring does not a fiancée make. When will you give up the farce? Don’t you have somebody else’s daddy to fuck? I saw a bunch of old men outside. I think one or twelve of them would do.”
She goes pale and then red.
“How dare you!”
“No, the question is, how dare you fuck your boyfriend’s father? Did you go after the uncles too? Any other rich and powerful men in your little black book? Do your legs automatically fall open at the sight of power and money?”
There’s murmuring all around the room.
“What? You thought no one knew you were cheating on your boyfriend with his own father?”
Shit! Did I just say that out loud in a room full of people? Oh my God. I can’t believe I exposed Logan like this. All my old fears and insecurities come rushing in. I look at him, expecting to see anger, regret, and disappointment. He surprises me with a smirk, his hand holding his chest as it heaves in silent laughter. I’m reminded of all I lost and the metaphoric wind goes out of my sails.
A small smile touches my lips. I did what I set out to do and a little more. It’s time for me to go and learn to be the new me. A little more than the old Skye, but maybe not as much River. Jesus! The world is not ready for that.
I take a step toward the door, and the people in the room part for me. His father and Amanda just stare, mouths open. Bruno grins like the Cheshire cat. It’s a little creepy. I make my way out of the hospital and don’t look back.
I feel like I just shed a thousand-pound armor.
Chapter Sixty-One
It’s been seventeen days since I last saw Skye. Sixteen days since I got released from the hospital. One day since my last doctor visit and clearance to drive. Short distances, he said. Short is relative, right? A two-hour drive through Vermont’s countryside is not stressful. It’s relaxing. My left arm will be in a cast for a few weeks more, but the pain from the gunshot wounds is gone and what I’m left with are ugly scars and numbness. The spots feel a little tender and numb, but not painful. The headaches are less intense and less frequent. I’ll have to wait until the cast is off before I can start physical therapy and regain some of the strength in my arm. I have a medical leave from work, and once I’m cleared to go back, I’ll ask for a regular shift. I’m no longer the guy who will fill in for everyone else. The truck window is open an inch or so, despite the cold January day. The skies are clear, the air crisp. I’ll never take another breath for granted again. I fill my lungs with the cool, clean air. I love Vermont and how green it smells.
I spent Christmas and New Year’s alone. Haven’t heard from Skye since she came to the hospital.
I have since unblocked her number. I did a lot of thinking and re-thinking. I had nothing else to do but think and heal.
After Skye left, Doctor Marcus came in and kicked everyone out of my room—everyone except Bruno. He hid in the bathroom again. He came out when all was quiet, unlocked his phone, and handed it over. The photo app was open. I didn’t have to see the dozens and dozens of pictures of him and another dude—hugging, kissing, holding each other—to believe him. They looked good together. I already believed him. The moment Skye came into my room and looked at me, I knew they both spoke the truth. But I wasn’t ready to accept that just yet.
I made sure to put my parents and Amanda on the persona non grata list and take Skye off it. But she never came back. The only visitors were other cops.
And now, I find myself driving to her house. I could have waited until next week and seen her when she’s back at Riggins for her new job and her master’s—the spring semester always starts on the second week of January—but I can’t wait a moment longer. I’ll face her at home, where she’ll be surrounded by her family.
No one knows I’m coming. I don’t know what to expect. Her father might finish the job the asshole who shot me started. I made this trip once before, for Thanksgiving, and we had planned on coming back for Christmas, but it never happened. Skye’s gift sits unopened in a drawer at home.
I open the window all the way as I turn into the long driveway that goes up to the house. Gravel crunches under the tires of my truck. The blue sky betrays the scent of impending snow. They called for several inches later tonight. I packed a bag. If she doesn’t want to listen to me today, I’ll stay in a motel in town and come back tomorrow. I’ll come back every day until she forgives me. I can only hope she gives me a chance. The chance I never gave her.
I park in front of the house and turn off the engine but don’t leave the truck just yet. A flood of memories of us together here comes unbidden. In this house, I got to see what a family is meant to be. They took me in as if I were one of their own. I felt more at home here than I ever felt in the house I grew up in.
“It took you long enough.”
I nearly jump out of my skin. River stands outside my door, her head barely visible above the sill. I close the window all the way up and open the door. Grass meets my feet.
“River.” I nod.
“Logan.” She smirks at me.
We don’t say anything for a while.
“Are you here to apologize and grovel? Because if you’re not, you can get back into that truck and turn right back around.”
“I am, but I’m a little afraid your dad might shoot me before I have a chance to talk to her.”
“You’re in luck. They’re out of town. Went to visit some friends. Won’t be back until tomorrow.”
“Can I go in?” I nod at the house.
“You could, but she’s not in the house. She’s out back, by her favorite tree.”
I walk around the house and along the fence that houses one of the horse enclosures. I can see the weeping willow tree several yards away. The long, thin branches, now naked, graze the ground. A little over a month ago, the yellowing leaves were so dense, you could hide behind them. Skye’s favorite place in the world, she told me. Her own little green universe sat at the base of that tree. It was the place she went to disappear, to think, to read, to just be. I wonder which of those things draws her to it now. At the base, a red and blue quilt cocoons Skye. I can’t see any part of her, but I know she’s in there with a book. She’s facing away from me, and my steps are silent, muted by the yellowed winter grass. I stop three feet away from her. All I can see now is the top of her blond head. Her hands in blue fingerless gloves hold a Kindle.
I hope whatever she’s reading makes her happy. She deserves a happily ever after, even if it's just fiction.
As if sensing someone, her eyes lift from the book and find me. And for the first time, I understand what she means by this tree being her own little universe. When we lock eyes, everything else vanishes. Birds stop singing, the air around us stills, and we’re frozen in the moment, but I didn’t come all the way here to just stare at her.
“Can I sit?”
She doesn’t respond but unwraps the quilt and pulls it to the side, making enough room for me to sit next to her. I do and pull the quilt around me and over her with my good hand, enclosing us into the nest she created for herself. I leave a couple of inches between us. The quilt is big enough to cover us both. I turn so I can face her. The heat from her body reaches me, and I fight the urge to just kiss her. Hopefully, there will be plenty of time for that after she hears me out. Her sunshine and orange blossom smell fill my lungs, and it’s like breathing for the first time in weeks. Blue eyes wait on me.
“I missed you.”
I didn’t plan on starting with that, but it’s the truth. I did miss her. Like I’ve never missed anything else in my life before. No response. She’s not going to make it a
ny easier for me.
“I believe you.”
Still nothing, but her eyes never leave mine.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you before. I’m sorry my actions hurt you. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I could use the excuse of not being able to drive until now, but we both know if I really wanted to be here, I would have found a way around it.”
She flinches.
“It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, it’s that I wasn’t ready to. Not in the state of mind I was in.”
It’s hard to be this close to her, her breath touching my lips, openness clear in her eyes, and not just let my body take over. She wouldn’t stop me, I know, but that’s not what I want. I need more than that.
“There’s tremendous strength and courage in vulnerability, in opening yourself to someone and risking getting hurt. I thought I was the stronger one in our relationship. I thought that because I was on guard and not giving you all of me, I was in control. I was a fool. You’re so much braver than I could ever be. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to hold back when I know you gave me all of you.”
Another silence falls between us, and a breeze stirs the thin branches, as if urging me to go on.
“It took me all this time to get my head out of my own ass.” There’s a faint shadow of a smile then.
“I needed to be me first. The whole me. Not the watered-down version I gave you. I want to make sure I can give you what you need. You deserve someone who will be there for you one hundred percent, and I know I wasn’t it. Not really. It may have looked like it, but a big part of me was waiting for something to go wrong. When I saw you and Bruno together in your bed, I got the validation I was expecting and looking for. I felt I was right all along and that trusting you, trusting anyone, would backfire. And I fed on it like a frenzied shark in a sea full of chum. I reveled in that anger. It fueled me. It made me feel righteous.”
She nods at me, the first real sign she’s listening, understanding.
Because of Logan Page 25
