“I’m listening,” he says, his eyes boring into me.
“My family isn’t dead Elliot. They're all alive and well – as far as I know anyway – they kicked me out when I was fifteen, and I’ve been lying and saying that they’re dead so people don’t question me.” I let it all out in a rush of breath and then hold it, waiting for him to react.
“They what?” he asks looking down at me, deep furrows between his brows.
“They’re not dead,” I repeat.
“No, no – I got that; I’m asking about the other part. They kicked you out?!" he queried, a disbelieving tone in his voice.
“Yes Elliot, they kicked me out,” I confirmed. “So you’re not angry with me?”
He scrunches his face up, confused, “Angry with you? Why the hell would I be angry with you?”
“Because I lied, Elliot. I made you think I was an orphan.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders, holding me firmly as he peers into my face intently. “Paige. Your parents kicked you out of home when you were still a child, if my parents did that – I’d probably say they were dead too. I don’t care what you did, no one deserves that.”
I blink rapidly as tears threaten to spill from my eyes, I can’t believe he's reacting this way. I expected him to yell at me, to tell me he needed time to think. What I didn’t expect was complete understanding.
“I’ve been lying about my past for so long, Elliot,” I admit. “I used to tell the truth, that I was kicked out, but people always looked at me strangely, wondering what I’d done to deserve it, and I didn’t want to answer their questions anymore. I didn’t do anything – they just didn’t like me.”
His strong arms encircle me and drag me closer so I’m sitting on his lap. This huge relief fills me as he tilts my face upwards to meet my eyes. “It’s ok Paige,” he whispers, bringing his lips to mine. As our mouths move together, my threatened tears slide quietly from my closed eyes as my emotions take over and my fears fall away, cracking my heart open just enough so hope begins to blossom inside of me. I find myself doing something that’s been so difficult for me before now – I’m letting him in, just a little.
I pause our kissing and rest my forehead on his shoulder. Perhaps one day he’ll be able to understand everything about me, but telling him everything is a risk I can’t take yet. First, I want to tell him about my life before I was sent out on my own.
Breathing deep as I close my eyes, I revel in the feel of his skin against my cheek as I keep my head tucked and speak quietly against his chest.
“My Mother worked - probably still works; for one of the big multinational accounting firms in Sydney. When she was in her early 30s, she got sent here, to London, for some sort of business trip. When she came back, she found out she was pregnant with me.
“She used to tell me how sick she was on the plane home and how she thought that she had food poisoning. I don’t know if that was true or not, the timing doesn’t seem right to me, but it’s what she always said.
“As I grew, people would often comment on how my brother and sister look so different from me. They would ask my mother who has straight, light brown hair, where my own hair came from. It couldn’t be on my father’s side; they were all blond hair, blue eyed…
“It wasn’t long before more questions were asked, ‘where did she get those eyes?’, ‘where did she get that olive skin?’ I look nothing like my family Elliot, and I got treated that way.
“My older brother and younger sister were always given everything they wanted. I spent a lot of my life wondering if perhaps I was really Cinderella, as my own possessions were very limited in comparison. If something went wrong, I was the first to be blamed for it.
“As I got older, I noticed the way my parents looked at me. I always felt like I was such a disappointment. I wasn’t good at school like my siblings, nor was I good at sports. I was just me.
“By the time I was a teen I was becoming too much of a handful for them, I would go out with my friends and refuse to come home on time. I knew I wasn’t wanted so I did what I could to stay out of the way. Then one day, I was walking up my driveway, and I noticed a bag with an envelope on top. I opened it, and along with $200 was a note in my mother’s handwriting. It said ‘This isn’t your home anymore.’ Stupidly, I tried the door – they’d changed the locks - who the hell does that?
“I went to a friend’s house and stayed there for as long as I could, then couch hopped for a while until I found a place to stay.
“I never understood why I was so different, and I hated them for not loving me. But when I was sixteen, I ordered a copy of my birth certificate to get my license. That’s when I found out why - my father isn’t my father Elliot. My mother had an affair when she was in London. My real father lives here.”
Elliot is quiet for a moment when I finish, and I close my eyes tightly while I wait for his response.
“And you want to meet him?” Elliot asks finally, his voice soft as he speaks into my hair, he’s been gently stroking my back while he listened to me.
“Yes – but I’m too nervous to go alone. Will you come with me?”
“Of course,” he whispers, lifting my head so he can look into my eyes. “Understand me when I say this Paige - I’d do anything for you.”
That admission from him, spoken so softly, had so much power in it, that it caused a physical reaction within me. It started in my chest and swirled outwards until it intensified to a point where I grabbed his face on either side and brought our mouths together. I held him so tightly, as I kissed him, my arms wrapping around his head and neck as we pulled each other closer, not willing to let each other go for a frantic second.
Lying back down together on the single bed, we wrapped ourselves around each other, absorbed in a passion that would keep us joined for the rest of the night.
Chapter 15
Elliot
Shane was good enough to let us use his car for the day, so I can drive Paige out to Cambridge to meet her father. I’m still kind of in shock that Paige’s parents would do something so horrible to her. I mean, she was just a kid – she didn’t ask her mother to have an affair, why punish her for the actions of the adults around her?
“Are you ok?” she asks, her hand resting on my leg as I drive.
I glance at her momentarily, nodding to show her I’m fine, before turning back to the road and my thoughts.
“So, does this guy – your father; know you’re coming?” I ask eventually.
“Yeah he does. I actually contacted him yesterday, and I spoke to him before I left Australia, so he knows who I am and he’s willing to meet me. But I’ve been too scared to do anything about it until now. I mean, what if he’s awful? What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me beyond just meeting me?” She shakes her head and slides her hands over her face and through her hair, sighing heavily as she drops them in her lap.
Resting her head back into the seat she sits and watches me as I drive, her stress and worry radiating off her. I reach over and grab her hand again and give it a reassuring squeeze, lending her as much of my own strength as I can, although I have to admit that I feel nervous about this too.
“Thank you Paige,” I tell her, suddenly.
“Thank you for what?” she asks sounding surprised.
“For trusting me with your story. For wanting me to come today.”
“Oh… ok,” she says, her voice small as she looks out the window at the passing scenery. I leave our hands connected to comfort her as we drive in silence, listening to the ‘Jebediah’ disc that is the only music Shane’s car plays since the CD player got jammed a few weeks ago.
“It’s kind of pretty, isn’t it?” she asks as we enter the town her father lives in, she’s focused on the world outside as it flits past us, so I don’t think she’s expecting an answer, instead I check the read out on the GPS. It says that we’re only ten minutes away from his home address.
“So um, what’s his name?” I ask as we pull
up outside his house, it’s a two-storey, light brown brick home, with a chimney on top of a charcoal tiled roof. It has a large brick driveway leading to a single garage. A path flows from there to the house where there’s a bay window and a navy blue front door with white edging.
“Daniel Ashdown,” she tells me, her voice vacant as she sits, staring toward the house. I can feel her nerves in the pit of my own stomach and reach over to take her hand. After a while, she hasn’t made any attempt to move. I watch her quietly as she continues to look at the house, her eyes wide and fearful. Suddenly, her breath catches and she speaks. “Drive away Elliot, I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Paige… Paige, look at me.” I wait until she drags her eyes from the house and fixes them on my face. Reaching out, I hold her face in my hands, moving my thumbs against her cheeks in an attempt to calm her. “You are probably one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know you can do this. Not many people could go through what you have and still come out the other side of it as a functioning human being. Meeting your father is going to be easy in comparison.”
“How do you know that I did?”
“Become a functioning human being?” I ask, watching her head as she attempts to nod in response. “Because I know you in my heart Paige.”
Paige
Oh god, my heart has swelled to bursting point upon hearing that, and I have to force myself not to turn into a blubbering mess in his hands. I don’t think I've ever had a man be this kind to me. It aches inside and I can’t decide if the feeling is good or bad – it just aches.
As I look into his eyes, I feel absorbed by him and wish with all my heart that he knew every single part of me and still wanted me in the end. He only knows the beginning of my story. He has no idea what came after.
The ache inside me intensifies, and I feel like I need to confess everything. I open my mouth, wanting to tell him, but movement outside the car draws my attention away from his beautiful face.
A man, with short dark hair, sprinkled with greys, and eyes a duller version of my own is peering into the car. Elliot turns to where I'm looking and clicks the button to lower his window.
“Are you Paige?” he says in a voice I recognise from our brief phone calls. I’m speechless at the sight of him, my nerves boiling up and rolling around in turmoil through my stomach, and can do little more than nod my head. “Well then, come in. We’ve been expecting you.”
I look briefly at Elliot, whose face is etched with concern for me, and get out of the car. In this moment, I feel like I’m apart from myself, drifting along behind the man who is my biological father. Elliot’s arm comes around me, and I suddenly feel grounded and so grateful that he accompanied me. I feel a strength around him that no matter how hard I try; I just don’t have on my own.
Daniel – my father – leads us inside his home, taking our coats and hanging them up on a stand in his entry way.
“I’m Daniel, by the way,” he says, holding his hand out to Elliot, who quickly takes it in greeting.
“Sorry mate, I’m Elliot – I’m here for Paige,” he states simply.
“Of course you are. I trust you had pleasant drive?” Daniel enquires politely.
“We did, thank you,” Elliot answers for us both. I’m still yet to find my voice.
Silence descends on us for a moment as we all stand in the entryway looking at each other, feeling unsure what to say.
“Paige,” Daniel says turning towards me and taking my hands in his. I panic slightly when he touches me and flick my eyes to Elliot, who is watching calmly. He gives me a look that tells me it’s ok, and I take comfort from that, letting out my breath and focusing once again on Daniel. “This is a wonderful day for me, finally meeting you. I had hoped you would eventually track me down. Come, we have much to talk about and there is someone else waiting to see you.”
“Really? Who?” I ask, imagining that I may have another relative in the UK, perhaps I have half siblings, an uncle, an aunt?
Daniel beckons for us to follow leading us further inside, the light touch of Elliot’s hand on the small of my back keeping me strong as I move along the hall to pass through the set of double doors where Daniel is waiting.
Just inside the doorway I freeze as my eyes land on a woman, so much older and smaller than I remember. Shock and disbelief take over as my eyes widen, watching as she rises from the couch to greet us.
Elliot
Paige’s body stiffens by my side. I don’t know what’s just happened but there’s a woman here that she doesn’t look comfortable seeing.
“Paige,” the woman says, sorrow is written all over her face and comes out in the sound of her voice.
“Take me home, Elliot, please take me home.” Paige’s face turns towards me, looking grief stricken as she grabs at my arm and tries to pull me to the door.
“What’s going on?” I ask worried; I want to give her what she’s asking for, but I know what it took her to come here. I don’t want her to leave without getting any answers.
“Please Paige, stay,” the woman implores her, “I just want to talk, nothing more.”
Paige stands unmoving, still turned towards me, gripping at my arm. Her eyes are closed and her voice waivers, her body quivering against me as she speaks, “Why are you here?”
“Because I live here Paige. I divorced your father, not long after I… after you left, and I came back here,” the woman, who I’m now guessing is Paige’s mother says.
Paige starts shaking her head frantically. Her eyes closed tightly as if she is trying to force her feelings out of her head. I circle my arms firmly around her, trying to give her as much strength as I can.
“I felt so guilty Paige, for what I did. I tried Paige, I tried to find you. But no one knew where you were, you just disappeared.” Her mother’s tone is low as she approaches us.
Paige’s body suddenly snaps to life as she turns to face her mother. “I had nowhere to go, mother! Nowhere! You have no idea what I went through, what you forced me to become! I will never forgive you for what you did! Never!” she’s yelling, her body shaking and her face bright red with anger. I touch my hand to her shoulder and she spins back into me, throwing her body against mine.
I can feel her trembling as she buries her face in my chest and tries to breathe. Her mother looks at me beseechingly, but I shake my head, “You could have told her you were here. You didn’t have to ambush her like that,” I tell her as calmly as I can.
“Paige –” her mother implores, reaching out for her daughter.
“Don’t,” I say warning her, knowing Paige wouldn’t welcome her mother’s touch. I watch as hurt flits across her mother’s features as she closes her hand in on itself, reluctantly lowering her arm to her side.
“Paige, will you please talk to us,” Daniel pleads. “There’s so much you need to understand.”
Turning in my arms, Paige faces them, levelling her gaze on both of them as what only can be described as hatred, seethes out of her. “Oh, I understand plenty. You two had an affair, destroyed one child’s life and abandoned the lives to two others, and now you’re living your happily ever after together – am I close?” she continues glaring at them as their eyes flit to each other and then drop to the floor. “You know what? Fuck you, fuck both of you.”
I take this as our cue to leave and guide a very shaky Paige out of the house and back to the car. We drive for a few minutes in silence as Paige’s eyes pour out buckets of tears. I pull over to the side of the road and pull out my phone, Googling the location of the nearest motel.
“What are you doing?” she asks, looking over at me.
“Taking you somewhere so you can calm down,” I say as I set my phone to navigate and pull the car back onto the road. As we drive along, my chest aches with my need to comfort her. I feel like I’ve handled this all wrong, and I don’t want to take her back to a flat full of people while she’s this upset, this is the best I can think to do.
Chapter 16
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Paige
“I can’t believe this! After all she did to me! She gets to have her happily ever after! This is bullshit!” I screech, shaking with the rage I feel at seeing my mother again after so many years. “I hate her Elliot, I hate her so much that I can’t even breathe through it!” I start to pace up and down the room as he sits on the edge of the bed watching me as I rant. “She looked for me!? Bullshit she looked for me! It’s been 10 years! You’re telling me she couldn’t have gone through every Paige Larsen in the phone book a thousand times by now!? Who the fuck does she think she is!? Everything that has happened to me is her fault, she was my mother! She was supposed to care about me!”
I stop pacing and shut my eyes, placing my hands on either side of my head and gripping handfuls of my hair. My mouth opens and a wretched cry unrecognisable as my own comes from deep within me. Two firm strong arms slip around my waist, as Elliot pulls my body against his rock-hard chest. I collapse, literally. My knees give way and my body sags against him, so I’m hanging off him, sobbing wildly against his chest. He holds me steadily while I cry, kissing me in my hair and shushing me.
“It’s okay. I'm here. You're not alone anymore. Everything will be ok,” he repeats like a mantra, slowly calming me down.
Scooping me up, as though I’m a child and weigh next to nothing, he carries me over to the bed and places me gently down, smoothing my hair out of my face. Lying next to me, he curls his body around mine and holds me tightly, protectively. My heart aches so much right now, and I just want it to stop, but I don’t think it ever will.
At some point, I fall asleep in his arms, overcome with the exhaustion but filled with a comfort that only he can give me, no one else makes me feel this way. No one else gives me hope.
Elliot
I lie on the bed holding Paige tightly as she sleeps, all the while replaying the morning over and over in my mind. Mentally kicking myself each time. I feel like I let her down, I should have taken her home when she asked me to the first time. I was supposed to protect her, and now I feel like all I did was put her in a position to get her heart broken.
A Beautiful Forever Page 10
