“I heard him clearly!” Pamela snapped. “He clearly said he used to be in a sexual relationship with a man.”
“Oh my God,” Jessica whispered.
“He said the relationship lasted six years,” Pamela continued. “Can you believe him? He knew his sexual preference, but he still got involved with me. Isn’t that cruel?”
“Yes, it is.” Pamela words replayed in Jessica’s head. “Hold on. Did Micah say he used to be gay or did he say that he is gay?”
Pamela reached across Jessica for a tissue from the glove box. “He claims he’s not gay, but he spent six years sleeping with his former pastor.”
“His pastor?”
“Yes,” Pamela smirked.
“Wow!” was Jessica’s only response.
“Wow is right.”
“This happened before he came to California, right?” Pamela nodded yes. “Why do you think he told you?”
“He claimed he wanted me to know so I could make an informed decision about our future. Do you know he had the nerve to tell me that he wants to marry me?” Pamela smirked.
“Pam, wait a minute. Do I understand you correctly? Micah didn’t break up with you because he’s a homosexual. He wants to marry you, and because of that, he shared his past history with you?”
“Past history?” Pamela sneered. “You know as well as I do, once a homo always a homo.”
Jessica flinched at her friend’s derogatory remark. “Pam, I don’t know that. All I know is there’s not one drop of residue from that lifestyle on the Micah Stevenson I know. Trust me, if there were, I would spot it. I know several homosexuals, both conservative and the flamin’ ones. I even know a few down-low brothas. Micah is not like any of them.”
“And how would you know?” Pamela rolled her neck. She didn’t appreciate her friend defending Micah.
“For one, Micah is saved, I mean really saved. He’s not one of those saved on Sunday and half-saved on Monday brothas. Micah is truly a man of God. I bet that’s the reason he told you in the first place. Second, I don’t believe Pastor Jackson would have allowed the two of you to get involved if Micah wasn’t completely delivered from that lifestyle.”
Jessica’s words made sense, but Pamela didn’t want to hear that. “I’m glad you’re so sure about Micah, but this is my life, and I don’t trust him!”
“You’re right, Pam,” Jessica conceded. “This is your life, and that’s exactly why you should really think this through. Don’t make any hasty decisions that you’ll regret.”
“What do I have to regret about not wanting a fagot in my bed?”
Jessica shook her head. She was not getting through. Her friend was too hurt to think objectively. “Pam, you told me you know for certain that Micah is your ordained mate sent by God. Do you think God would have told you that if He knew Micah wasn’t everything you need? Don’t throw your blessing away. Come on, Pam.” She tapped her shoulder. “You know you love him.”
Pamela wished it wasn’t true, but it was. “Why did I fall in love with a homosexual?” she cried out loud.
Jessica put her arms around her and comforted her. “You’re not in love with a homosexual. You’re in love with Micah Stevenson, a saved and blessed man.”
“Son, I’m so sorry to hear that,” was all Pastor Jackson could say after Micah told him about Pamela’s reaction to his disclosure. “Maybe in a few days, after she’s had time to think, she’ll reconsider.”
“I doubt that,” Micah responded, thinking back to Pamela’s vicious statements.
“Pray about it, son. Prayer changes things and people.”
Micah leaned back in his chair. “Pastor, I don’t think it’s worth the effort.”
“Micah, you’re hurt right now, but trust me, love is always worth the effort.”
“Yeah, but is love for everybody?” Micah smirked. “Or just for the select few who never sin?”
“Love is for everyone. God is love, and He sent His son to die for all of us.” He couldn’t sit back and allow his nephew to revert into the shell of a man he once was. He’d worked too hard to see that happen. Pastor Jackson knelt in front of his desk. Micah asked what he was doing.
“It’s praying time. I refuse to allow the spirit of depression to overtake you. I don’t care what it looks like now, you’ve got to hold on to what God has told you. Now get on your knees!” Pastor Jackson ordered.
Micah quietly obeyed.
All through service Pamela tried to ignore the inner voice telling her to talk with Micah. She needed to talk to him. Pamela needed to understand how all this happened. Why he led her on, and why he played with her emotions. Maybe he really wasn’t gay. Micah didn’t look gay, neither did he act gay. Based on what Pamela knew, he didn’t possess any characteristics of a homosexual. Micah didn’t sway his hips when he walked, nor did his wrists hang limp. He wasn’t skinny and feminine, but buff and practically dripped with testosterone. If he hadn’t told her, she wouldn’t have guessed in a million years what it was he was trying to reveal to her. She thought he was going to tell her about a baby momma somewhere or that he’d murdered someone—anything but this.
Pamela didn’t understand how he could love her and desire to marry her, and then a minute later tell her he’s gay. She really didn’t understand how he could praise God the way he was doing at that very moment, considering his lifestyle. Micah was dancing in the Spirit like he and Jesus really had a relationship.
“Maybe I will hear what he has to say, then again maybe I won’t,” she mumbled to herself. Jessica settled the debate for her. A second after the benediction, Jessica yanked her by the arm.
“You need to talk to him.” Before Pamela could protest, Jessica dragged her in Micah’s direction.
“Man, you did the right thing,” AC said, patting Micah on the back. “It’ll work out.”
Micah didn’t want to discuss his problems anymore. “I see it’s working out for you.” Micah pointed to the cake box underneath AC’s arm.
“German chocolate, this time,” AC smiled.
“Man, I’m going to tell my aunt I’m jealous.”
“Excuse us,” Jessica interrupted. “Minister Combs, may I speak to you for a moment, please?”
Micah winced at the sight of Pamela. He was not ready for a repeat of last night, especially not in public. But in no time, AC and Jessica had stepped away.
“Hello, Micah.” Pamela spoke first.
“Hello, Sister Roberts.” At first Pamela didn’t know who he was talking to. He hadn’t called her that in months. Micah turned to leave, but her voice called him back.
“Can we talk?” she asked timidly.
Micah put his hands inside his pockets. “Sister Roberts, do you want to talk, or did you remember some more names you would like to call me?”
Pamela shook her head. “I want to talk. I need to understand some things.”
Her soft eyes were sincere.
“When?”
“How about now? You could stop by,” Pamela suggested.
Micah didn’t think he would ever be ready to step foot inside her town house again, not after last night. “That’s not a good idea.” Pamela looked disappointed. “I could meet you somewhere,” he offered.
“Where?”
Micah racked his brain for somewhere appropriate, just in case last night’s scene repeated itself. He didn’t like open scenes. “I’ll meet you at the San Leandro Marina in an hour.”
“Okay.” Pamela agreed, but then remembered her son. “Wait, I can’t. I forgot I have to pick Matthew up from my parents.”
“Some other time then.” Micah gave her a half smile and once again turned to leave.
“Hold on!” Jessica jumped in out of nowhere. “I’ll pick up Matthew and bring him home later on tonight.”
“That’s a forty-five minute drive in traffic from here,” Pamela protested.
“I’ll tag along to keep her company,” AC offered. Pamela didn’t miss the brief smile that almost crossed J
essica’s face.
“That’s a good idea,” Jessica said. “With that big red shiny suit you’re wearing, we’ll be mistaken for an emergency vehicle. We’ll get through traffic in no time.”
Pamela snickered at Jessica’s comment, but Micah laughed out loud.
“I’ll meet you in the parking lot.” AC stomped off, but held on to the cake.
Micah sobered as soon as he was alone with Pamela again. “See you in an hour.” He then walked away.
The early June weather was perfect for a walk along the San Leandro Marina. The sky free of clouds and the soft breeze from the ocean cooled the temperature down to a comfortable sixty-eight degrees. The mile-long trail offered spectacular views of the San Mateo Bridge and the brilliant blue Pacific Ocean. Today, the crystal blue waters went on forever before kissing the blue sky. To the right lay the runway for the Oakland International Airport. It was an adventure to watch the big 747s land and take off, seemingly just a short swim away.
When Pamela pulled into the parking lot, Micah was already there standing next to his SUV enjoying the view. He had changed into walking shorts, a T-shirt, and closed-toe sandals. Micah turned his back to her when she pulled into the stall beside him.
Pamela turned the engine off, and he continued staring out over the ocean. It took her a moment to realize that he wasn’t going to open the door for her. Slowly, she exited the vehicle and walked over to him.
“Do you want to talk here, or do you want to walk?” he asked without facing her.
She wasn’t used to him being so forward with her. “I came prepared,” she said looking down at her Nikes. “We can walk.”
“Let’s go.” Micah swiftly started for the trail without reaching for her hand.
“Ms. Roberts, what is it you would like to talk about?”
Pamela didn’t like this. Yesterday he said he loved her and wanted to marry her. Today he treated her like a stranger. This didn’t feel right to her. They were walking side by side and he chose to keep his hands in his pockets. She wanted him to reach for her hand, but he didn’t. “Micah, you can call me Pamela.”
He shook his head. “Not anymore,” he said as his eyes followed an aircraft landing on the runway a short distance away.
Pamela swallowed the lump forming in her throat. “Micah, I want to know why you entered into a relationship with me knowing you’re gay.”
“Not that you’ll believe me, because you didn’t last night, but I’ll tell you again. I am not gay.” This time when he said it, she almost believed it.
“Then why did you have sex with a man for six years? You wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t a homosexual.”
Micah sighed. “Ms. Roberts, I’ll tell you how it happened, that is, if you’ll listen. Then you can draw your own conclusions, like I know you will.”
Pamela heard the slight bitterness in his tone, but pressed forward. “I’m listening.”
Micah slowed his stride before he began to open his heart once again to the woman who’d so easily broken it. “I didn’t experience love, or at least what I thought was love until I met Pastor Richard Lewis. He was everything I thought a father and a friend were supposed to be. He gave me something no one had given me before—his time and attention. I didn’t think anything was wrong when he first put his arm around my shoulder or rested his hand on my leg. It didn’t bother me when he began hugging me. I’d seen him hug his entire congregation at one time or another. I was even cool when he started kissing me on the cheek.”
The thought of a man kissing Micah made Pamela’s stomach turn.
“He’d always say, ‘There’s nothing wrong with greeting your brother with a holy kiss.” Micah continued. “Then one day, he hugged me and wouldn’t let me go, then kissed me on the mouth. I was nineteen and scared out of my mind. I didn’t know what to say or do. This man was my father figure and also my pastor.” Micah paused to watch another airplane land. Pamela waited for him to continue.
“I pushed away from him, and that’s when the manipulation and seduction that would control my life for the next six years started.”
Pamela looked puzzled. “I don’t understand.”
“This is how Richard used my insecurity and vulnerability to get what he wanted from me.”
“Micah, come here. When Micah didn t respond Richard moved toward him. “Micah, you know I love you, don’t you?” Micah was trembling, but he managed to nod. “I’m the only one who loves you. I’m the only one who looks out for you.” Richard cupped Micah,’s face in his hands. “I’m the only one who takes care of you. I take care of you very well, better than your own mother. Richard started unbuttoning Micah’s shirt.
“B-but—,” Micah stammered.
“No buts, Micah. I have given you more than your own mother has or any other family member. When you didn’t have anyone, I was right there. I’ll always be here for you. That’s because I love you, and I’m going to show you how much.”
Micah trembled as Richard’s fingers touched his skin and his lips brushed Micah’s neck. “You do love me, don’t you, Micah?”
Micah said yes, because he did, but he didn’t mean it in that way.
“Then show me,” Richard whispered in his ear. “Let me make love to you.”
“Micah, that’s enough of that!” Pamela screamed. “I don’t want to hear the gory details,” she said without looking him in the face.
“Do you want me to continue?”
Pamela nodded, still looking away.
“That was my first sexual experience, and that’s when my life began to spin out of control. I was so confused I nearly lost my mind. I didn’t like what we were doing, and deep down I knew it was wrong. But Richard justified everything by saying, ‘God is love and there’s nothing wrong with two people loving each other.’The weird thing is, every Sunday he would mount his pulpit and say how much he loved his wife, and after service in his office, he wanted me. Sometimes I’d successfully resist him, other times he would threaten to stop paying my rent or take my car. But he really kept his hold on me by threatening to walk out of my life. At the time, I really believed I needed him. I didn’t have anyone else. My mother was always drunk. It took her three weeks to notice I had moved out of the apartment. I didn’t have any close friends outside of Richard.
“He preached against homosexuality at least once a month, but he told me what we were doing was okay, but I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t want to do it. He said as long as we asked for forgiveness everything would be all right.” Micah looked in her direction. “Do you want to hear something really sad?”
“Nothing could be sadder than what you’ve already told me,” Pamela answered still looking away. She doubted if she would ever be able to look Micah in the face again.
“He would lead me in a prayer for forgiveness after we finished. Richard would be praying, and I’d be crying. Then a year before it ended, something I’ll never forget happened. His wife walked in on us, and that really messed me up. His wife had been so nice to me and watching her scream and crumbling on the floor like a wounded child was too much for me. She didn’t know Richard had been sleeping with men since he was a teenager. I didn’t know that until I was too emotionally tied into him. I spent most of that last year in and out of the county’s psych ward.
“It was a constant battle for me. I prayed and I fasted, but I just couldn’t break free from the hold Richard had on me. He convinced me that without him I wouldn’t be anything, and no one would ever love me. Up until that point no one had. Then two years ago I gave up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want Richard, but I couldn’t let him go, so I was going to remove myself from the equation. I was going to commit suicide.”
Pamela stopped walking and sat down on a bench. This story was too much for her.
Micah stopped walking, but he didn’t sit down. “Richard and I were secretly living together at the time. When his wife threw him out, he simply moved into the apartment he had rented for me. I went into the b
athroom and emptied out a full bottle of Vicodin. Before taking the pills I decided to call my mother to tell her good-bye. Of course she was drunk, but she said the one sentence that changed my life.”
“What did she say?” Pamela asked, looking in his direction, but not in his eyes.
Micah’s voice quivered. “She said, I talked to your Uncle Robert this morning.’” Micah wiped his face. “I had only seen my uncle a handful of times my entire life, but I knew he was a preacher, and my mother always said he really knew God. That’s why she didn’t talk to him that often. He would preach to her, and she didn’t want to hear any preaching. Anyway, I asked her for his number and what’s amazing is that she was coherent enough to give me the right number. At the time, I didn’t know what compelled me to call him. Today, I know it was God. When my uncle answered the phone, I couldn’t help it. I poured the last six years of my life out to him. He listened quietly, then he said something I’ll always love him for.” Micah took a moment to steady his voice. “He told me to pack a bag and head to Midway. My uncle purchased me a one-way ticket out of Chicago. I was in California by evening, and I haven’t looked back. I didn’t say bye or leave a note. I came here with only the clothes on my back. I didn’t want anything connected to Richard or that lifestyle.”
Micah walked away to collect himself, and Pamela needed a moment to release herself. She wanted to comfort him, but she couldn’t move. She closed her eyes and prayed quietly for him. When he returned, her tears were still flowing.
He picked up where he left off. “My uncle and AC helped me to see that the spirit of lust in Richard Lewis marked me from the start. I was an easy target because of my naïveté and insecurity.”
“AC knows about this?” Pamela seemed surprised.
“Yes, and so does my aunt. If it weren’t for my uncle, aunt, and AC, I’d probably be dead. They spent many nights praying and helping me to break free from the stronghold Richard had on my mind and spirit.”
“Have you been with any other men?”
Micah shook his head. “Were you listening, Ms. Roberts? I don’t like men. I’ve never liked men in that way. As far back as I can remember I’ve been attracted to women. I was with Richard because, due to my insecurity, I allowed the spirit of lust to control me. God has delivered me. I have no desire whatsoever to be touched by a man or to touch a man. The next time I have sex will be when I make love to my wife on our wedding night. That will be the first time I make love and the only time that matters.”
Right Package, Wrong Baggage Page 10
