by Haley Pierce
I rolled out of the bed and found my undergarments and clothes from the night before scattered around the floor. I dressed hurriedly and, without words, my skin already turning to gooseflesh.
Derek came up behind me just as I finished adjusting my top and rested a hand on my waist.
“Hey,” he said. “I had a good time last night.” Obviously that being the only thing he knew to say in a situation like this.
“That’s good,” I said, without turning around. Was it only our night activities that were worthy of mention?
“Sorry to have to kick you out so soon.”
“It’s fine, I have a bunch of work things I need to do anyway,” I said, shrugging with as much nonchalance as I could muster.
He spun me around to face him and my planted feet ripped from the ground. I blinked at him, expecting some of that smile to appear and chase away my scorn. But instead his mouth was flat and his eyes were nothing more than tarnished mirrors. The feeling that usually expelled from him was gone, as if he had simply flicked off a light or shut off a running tap. He planted a kiss on my forehead, but it was an empty, compulsory kiss.
“Here’s a spare key,” he said. “Lock up when you leave and just slide it back under the door.”
I nodded dumbly. He tore a coat from his closet, the hanger dinging loudly in protest at the rough stripping of its cover, and left. I stood in his bedroom, dressed but still feeling naked, the echo of a slammed door ringing in my ears.
The persistent trilling of my phone was what pulled me up from the carpet of his room. I choked on saliva and smudged old eyeliner and mascara that had run under my eyes making them water further and exacerbate my dark circles. My head ached at the temples and my nose was stuffy. Even worse, I felt like an idiot.
I forced myself to focus on my phone screen. It was a client calling. I let the phone ring out. They could leave a message if it was important.
After refreshing my appearance in the washroom, I gathered my things and slowly made my way towards the door of the apartment. It was incredibly awkward to be in, what now felt like, a stranger’s space, alone, being told to ‘lock up’ once I leave. The air was brimming with memories from last night, but today’s energy threatened to taint them. I could still smell him in my hair each time it swayed. And when I closed my eyes, I could still feel his fingers along my skin, and the warmth of him inside me. I thought about making a mess of the place but found myself making the bed instead.
The door to the apartment locked with a hard click, and I wondered if this would be the last time I’d ever see it. Or Derek, for that matter. I stared at the silver key in my hand for a long moment, then slowly slid it under the door and headed home.
Chapter 14
I breathed deep, allowing the air to flow down and through my entire body, before slowly letting it out. My throat felt like something was pressing up against it, twisting just a little. And the funny thing was, I wasn’t even wearing a scarf. I repeated the controlled breathing, closing my eyes and shutting out the background din of the cafe. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t thought about our final moment together before, but for some reason, here in this cafe, right now, it got to me. The shock of being passed a spare key and told to lock up suddenly felt real again. The feeling of abandonment as I stood in his apartment, alone, had returned to me.
I wiped my eyes. My stupid hormones were probably to blame for this unorthodox sensitivity. That, and the fact that Derek would arrive soon, the man who seemed to bid for a part of my heart and then vanish. I wondered what had really happened that morning after our last night together. He never did apologize for it, and he never did elaborate on his excuse. Not even as a passing line in one of his emails. Either he was actively avoiding addressing it, or he genuinely did not realize how he had made me feel. But could anyone really be that ignorant? I doubted it. But there was always the fact that he was a soldier and there was no getting around his duty.
Massaging one side of my head, I ground my teeth. Best I should try to get some closure on that while I had the chance. Otherwise it might nag me in the back of my head, forever.
I checked the time on my phone and my heartbeat quickened. Given the timestamp on his text, Derek should be here in only a few minutes, unless whatever his errand was sent him in a completely opposite direction. I tried to calm myself and create a cheerful yet stoic persona, but my mind raced through twisting loops that made me dizzy.
I had rehearsed what I would say to him numerous times before, but would I be able to do it with as much grace as I practiced? I acknowledged the possibility of turning mute as soon as I saw him, the words simply falling from my lips to the floor. It was equally as likely that I found the courage to spit the words out, but mixed them up to make no sense at all.
And then there was the question of how he would react to the news. I had initially chosen a public location to keep our meeting casual, but maybe he would find the choice inappropriate for the subject matter I wanted to breach. Would he be angry with me for calling him out just to tell him he was the father of a child he didn’t want? There was no getting around the fact that he was being ambushed by this information; the state of my body a dead giveaway to the situation and the choice he now had to make. I hoped he wouldn’t shut down like he did the last time I saw him and disappear again.
“Claire?”
I looked up, shaken from my spiraling thoughts.
There he was. Derek. Standing tall in front of me, eyes gleaming like they did in my favorite memories of him. One edge of his mouth curled up, as if he was actually too shy to smile any further. His hair was shorter than I remembered.
“Oh, Derek!” I said, standing up to greet him, his appearance throwing me into a rush of emotion.
His arms were open to embrace me, but then his eyes found the swell of my body. He paused. Confusion took over his eyes, followed by a look of realization and then settling into disappointment. His smile faded and the shine in his eyes fell away to reveal nothing more than a flat, emotionless brown. His arms dropped to his sides.
Suddenly I was back at his apartment, watching him from his bed, then looking into those cold eyes as he handed me his key. Was this really happening again? Fear gripped me, squeezing my heart. I could feel him slipping away, withdrawing, changing his mind about even something as mundane as a coffee date. And it terrified me. I finally realized just how much I missed him and just how much I wanted him back in my life.
I opened my mouth but choked on the words, my throat tight with panic. I swallowed hard.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.
“I see,” Derek said, his tone void of discernible emotion.
A part of me wanted to just run out of the cafe. But I knew that if I left, I really might not see him again.
“Can you please sit down? I’d like to explain.”
Anger flashed across his face, as if he was disgusted that I’d even suggest wasting his time. But then something else shimmered underneath. He sat down. I sat down.
He wasn’t slouching, but the slight hunch in his shoulders provided enough contrast to tell me that he must be in shock. I couldn’t tell if he was ready to leave or blow up at me. And I couldn’t tell if he sat down because he was actually curious and cared, or because he was humoring me.
I sipped at my tea and found my gaze wandering to the window, the tree’s lights warm in the background and the people passing by. I wondered if I made the right decision, asking Derek to meet me here tonight. If there was a graceful way to bridge the conversation, I feared I already lost it.
“How far along are you?”
I bit my lip and forced my eyes to meet his face. “Thirty weeks.”
I could see him doing the math in his head. His eyes widened and then narrowed.
“Yes, it’s yours,” I said hastily. “I wasn’t sure how to tell you over email. I thought this kind of thing was best to say in person.”
He leaned back in his chair, shock setting in but thoughts unr
eadable. I wished I could peer into his head. Then, he suddenly stood up and my heart felt like it had just been jerked like a dog on a leash.
“I need a minute,” he said. “It was a long flight and I need a coffee. Hang on.”
He went to the counter without another word. There was no confidence in his steps, none of the charisma he usually carried swirling around him. He looked lost, as if he had just been shaken from a deep dream. He clumsily bumped into an older lady pouring cream into her coffee.
I had messed up. I screwed up and now ruined any chance of us having even the most casual of friendships. He was expecting a normal meeting; catching up over coffee and possibly revisiting the fling we had. Now I threw on him the weight of being a father. I should have told him. I should have prepared him.
As Derek moved from the till to the pick-up side of the counter, he looked over his shoulder. It was just enough for our eyes to meet. We locked gazes for just a second, our eyes drawn to each other with a soft, magnetic pull. I felt something in the way he looked at me. I couldn’t place my finger on what it was, but I was sure that if it was hate, I’d know. My legs felt suddenly weak, even though I was sitting.
When he returned to the table, I couldn’t help but smile at the iceberg of chocolate floating in his drink that, I could swear, was even bigger than before. Our eyes found each other again and I thought I saw a twinkle breaking through the emptiness his eyes. A tingling warmth spread through my body.
“I thought you were on the pill,” he said.
“I was, but obviously it’s not one-hundred percent successful,” I said, gnawing the inside of my lip.
He looked like he was about to speak, but hesitated, his gaze falling down to the table.
“Yes, I’m sure it’s yours. I haven’t been with anyone since you...”
He sighed, the relief in his breath tangible, and gave me a slight smile.
“I just wanted you to know, that’s all,” I said. I stared at the grain of the table. “And I’m sorry, I should have, but I couldn’t tell you over email. I’m ready to be a single mom though; I’ve got this. And I’m not asking you for any money. I just needed to tell you.” My voice began to quiver as I continued, “So, you can just go on with your life. I’m not expecting anything. It’s okay. I know that maybe this didn’t mean anything to you, but I don’t regret it. And—”
He put his hand on mine.
“I don’t regret a moment with you either,” he said.
I looked up at him and realized the edges of my vision were a little blurry. I felt like I wanted to say more, but I was suddenly speechless.
“I’ve missed you, Claire. I’ve thought about you every moment since I’ve been gone.” He leaned back and rubbed his face with his hands. “Wow. This is...a lot.”
I stared at him for a moment. “I’ve thought about you too,” I said, when his words finally sunk in. “After the way things were left after our last night together, I wasn’t sure telling you about the baby was the right thing to do. I thought I’d never see you again.”
His upper lip curled into his mouth and he held his chin in his hand. After a moment he said, “I’m sorry I had to go. I could’ve stayed for at least a little while that morning, but I was scared. Scared of what I felt and scared of what I was going to face overseas. Scared of never coming back to see you again. I never felt such a... connection with someone in such a short amount of time. And with me leaving, I thought you’d move on and—” He took my hand in his.
“Well then, why did you push me away just when you were about to leave?”
He sat for a moment with that question. It was obvious that he’d been asking himself the same thing for the past eight months. “It was just easier, I guess. I’ve never carried love with me overseas before. I didn’t know how it would affect me. I don’t know, but I thought if I did something to make you hate me, then I could just forget about you and what we had. Oh, Claire,” he went on, his voice coming out a little strained but his eyes smiling. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put what I felt for you aside, and I fought for you every day. I did everything I could to make sure I made it back to you. I’ve thought about the way your hair smells, the feel of your fingers against my skin, how you shot me during paintball— “
“That was an accident.”
“Yes, it was.” He chuckled. “It practically killed me to be away for so long. I even thought if I limited our contact, it wouldn’t hurt as much. But it was worse.”
I could hardly believe what I was hearing, and my eyes were beginning to water again. “Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?”
“Because it sounds ridiculous. What do you say? Love at first sight? That’s not supposed to happen.” He gave my hand a small squeeze. His palm was a little moist, but I reveled in the warmth of his fingers wrapped about mine. “I was naive and—in denial. I’ve never felt this way about a woman before. But while I was gone, I realized I couldn’t live without trying.”
Derek suddenly stood up and pulled me to stand with him. Sidestepping the table, he drew me close with one hand around the swell of my stomach. My heart thudded in my chest and I could feel my cheeks redden.
“When I first saw your message to come meet you when I landed today, I was worried you had found somebody else,” he said. “And although this is a surprise and will take some getting used to...” His mouth spread into a huge grin. “I’m actually... more surprised at how relieved I was when you said it was mine.”
I wiped away a tear at the edge of my eye.
“I don’t know what the future holds,” he continued. “But I know that I can’t imagine a future without you in it.”
I tried to open my mouth to reply, but I was so overwhelmed with joy that I didn’t know what to say. Instead, I smiled at him, teary-eyed and all.
“Oh—” he dug into his coat pocket. “I have something for you. Consider it an early Christmas present.”
He handed me a small red box tied with gold ribbon.
I swallowed a lump in my throat and looked up into his eyes. Were they also watering? Just a little bit?
“Really?” I asked.
He nodded.
I undid the gold ribbon and pulled off the lid.
As I drew away a cover of tissue paper, all the breath escaped from my lungs.
Lying on a bed of white was my bracelet. The one I thought I had misplaced or lost altogether. For a split second I was incredibly confused and thought it couldn’t possibly be my bracelet. But then I looked closer and there was no mistaking it. The pearls and copper looked polished, and the—the clasp. It was fixed! I turned the bracelet over in my hand, holding it up close to my face. The embossed design matched perfectly, and it looked just as aged at the rest of the piece.
I stared up at Derek, eyes wide. “How did you...?”
His smile made my heart soar.
“I had found it outside my building,” he said. “I wanted to fix it before returning it to you...”
“But how? I mean—thank you! But how?”
“I wanted to take a piece of you with me, but I felt weird for having it since it was so important to you. My only plan was to get it back to you. If that meant doing it myself or...” his eyes grew dark again, “or, you know, somebody else would have to.”
He waved the thought aside. “It’s not important. I’m just glad I am finally able to return it. Can I put it on you?”
I held out my wrist.
His fingers lingered against my skin as he secured it around my wrist.
“There,” he said. “It looks like it’s where it belongs.”
I looked into his eyes and felt them drawing me towards him. I breathed deep and it felt like I was breathing a part of him again.
He placed a hand at the side of my face and kissed me. It was sweet, short kiss, but one of depth. My heart skipped a beat and I pressed my hand against his chest. I could feel his heart thud just as heavy as mine.
This time I kissed him back in a full embrace, an
d our passion reignited. His warmth, the warmth of this promise and potential; it all radiated throughout my entire body. I could feel the heat from his hands, his chest and his heart, and from the steaming coffee on the table he still hadn’t drank.
I felt like I was floating and the lights from the tree outside were buzzing all around us like fireflies. The music that played out over the cafe’s speakers faded away into the background din, then disappearing entirely. It was replaced with the music of hope, joy, and love. Derek and I were the only audience.
The End
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Chapter One
Addison
I don’t care what it takes, just get it done.
Those words race through my mind as I jump to attention at four in the morning on the first day of my senior year at Marysville University. I climb from my white frilly fortress of eyelet and lace, listening to owls and crickets making their nocturnal noises, reminding me everyone normal should still be asleep.
But you’re not normal, Addison. You’re a McBride. McBrides are exceptional. Norms don’t apply to us.
My mother’s words of wisdom, again. I’m not even fully awake and she’s already invaded my head twice today.
With my mouth stuck in a never-ending yawn, I scuff into my slippers and cross my bedroom to my desk, where my Mac is already open. I jostle the screen awake and stare at the words in front of me:
