by Dee Ellis
To believe I could have a life outside of that parish and that dead-end town. Judge made me think we could. I thought that boy made my world turn. He changed everything after that beating because he never left me alone again.
Judge stayed longer than he needed for us to study. Or took me home for dinner with his family. Almost every single night he snuck into my bedroom. My father would bang at the door or curse and scream; call me a whore because he just knew I was fucking a boy behind that locked door. I…was…ten.
It made me sick the way he looked at me when I started to get tits and ass. My mother resented me for it too, which made me even sicker. I was just a child. Judge never looked at me like that. At least not at first. Then one night, he tipped my world and changed things again.
It had been ages since I had taken a beating. Judge somehow kept my father at bay without saying anything. Just making his presence known. Judge was also huge.
By the time he was fourteen, he was almost six feet and he looked like a mountain. Girls at school hated me because he was suddenly a hot commodity and I was the only girl he looked at. Which made me feel special and important.
Maybe Judge noticed the curves I already had, but when he snuck in and we laid in bed, it wasn't dirty. We laughed and talked about the future he planned for us. Judge held me and let me cry if my dad had been rough on me. By then, though, Judge was as present in my home as I was, so he rarely had a chance. Judge kept his promise to protect me and I cherished him for it.
As if inevitable, things between us shifted. I noticed how long he looked at me. Felt the way his touch lingered when we laid in bed together. Certainly didn't miss how often he got turned on when we cuddled.
One night we laid under the stars in the field we often ran to be alone in, and unable to stop, I touched him. I wanted him. I was older, almost fourteen, and I knew that we were changing. Maybe I didn't understand it but I knew what I felt when I reached out to touch him.
Somehow, we ended up naked, touching each other and I knew he wanted me too. I wanted him to like my body; when he filled his hands with my breasts, then kissed and suckled at them and I felt him grow in my hands, I thought maybe he did.
We went to that field every night for weeks. We never kissed. We never talked about it, we just did. Just felt what we were feeling. I felt him come against me when I stroked him or rubbed against him and I loved it. And I fucking loved him. But I wanted more.
One night my parents were tying it on at the bars when he snuck in. Judge had slowly grown into more man than boy. He had also been angrier, more often, fighting frequently at school. I’d feared I was the reason. It was always just us and I felt bad for that. Judge wouldn't hear of it; I was his Bug and he was my Judge and that was that.
That night, he was still angry and when he crawled in beside me, he brought me close. Buried his face in my neck as he trembled. I was so worried. Usually, my touch could calm him. That night, it did the opposite. It ignited something.
His hand tangled in my hair and he tipped my head back. There was something in his eyes then. He looked at me differently and it hurt part of me. Like I’d lost something so special. Yet it excited another part; a part I still didn't yet understand.
"Bug,” His voice had become gravelly and deep months before and it made me shudder, “I have to taste you. I can't wait anymore, please." Without waiting, his pretty mouth with his perfect teeth was on mine.
Judge tasted sweet like cherry Coke and his lips were soft. Warm. I kissed him back and he made a noise that made me go soft all over. His tongue was gently pushing at my mouth and I wanted to be closer to him. Those nights at the fields had been full of hesitancy and longing. I didn't want to wait any longer, either. I pressed closer. Another sound, softer, longer. It was me.
Moaning soft and low because I wanted his touch. Suddenly, he was touching me, his large hand slipping between my legs, swiping at me just once. Then again. We both groaned and then he lifted away. Judge's chest was pumping and I couldn't breathe or see straight for a minute. His other hand traced my lips as they burned and I knew things were different again. Better, more, like I thought they should be.
"You taste just like I thought you would, Bug. God, I don't want to lose you, Cress. I just...I can't wait anymore. I want you so bad." I watched him in the darkness, his hand still between my legs, the other tracing my face.
"You do?" Judge was handsome; the best-looking boy I had ever seen in real life. Bright green eyes and that perfect smile and sandy hair that was always too long on top and messy. If I could want someone, it would always be Judge.
"Mmm, yes baby,” He touched his forehead to mine, his words breathless, “so fucking bad, how don't you know that? I just...I can't lose you. Don't hate me, please, Bug. I just...it's been there for a while and I know...I know it's fucked up but...I don't think I can wait anymore. Tell me I can have you?" He was kissing me again and I didn't get to say that I didn't want him to hide it. There was nothing I wouldn't give to Judge and that night made me realize it.
"Bug...run away with me. Tonight. Right now." Judge had whispered after a lot more kisses and a few touches that made me want even more.
"Yes. Let’s go. Right now." Judge lit in a smile that punched me in the chest with emotion and then he leaned close.
"I will take care of us, Bug. I promise. We can go to the ocean or the desert, I don't care. I just want to get us out of here. The two of us together. You with me, Bug?" I nodded and he kissed me again and I believed for the first time in my life things could be good. With him.
"Pack some things. I'll be right back, baby. I promise."
He wasn't right back though. Because when he went home, as he was packing his bag to keep his promise, his father had a massive heart attack. I can still hear the ambulances mingling with his mother's cries. I tried to go to the hospital with him but they wouldn't let me.
I went as soon as I could and held him when they told him his dad was gone. I held him through the funeral. Held him through the days after at school, or when we both ditched so he could cry. I’d sobbed as he packed up their place.
His mother decided to move back to Oregon. And she was taking my Judge with. He’d been devastated. He’d been so close to his father and he’d hated Oregon. Judge met me one last time by the hot springs where we used to run away as kids. It was as far as we ever got together.
"I love you,” Judge was crying, holding me close as I sobbed, “I can't lose you Bug. Come with me. I need you with me. I love you so much." I loved him too, of course; even if I didn't know what kind of love it was, I knew it was real and that it mattered.
"Can I? I don't want to be without you. I love you too, Judge." Judge led me into the water after taking off my jean shorts and tank top. Removing his shorts and t-shirt.
"I won't. I love you too much, Bug. You and me, together. That's how it's supposed to be."
Then in the hot springs that had been our escape, he made love to me. Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing. We just knew we needed each other. With mouths and tongues and needy touches we gave and we took. It didn't hurt like I thought and I knew it was because it was Judge. He would never hurt me.
We stayed there, Judge deep inside my body, his mouth never leaving mine except to tell me he loved me, for hours. It was more magical than I ever thought a first time could be. I was secure in my love for him and his for me. Judge promised to take me away. To keep me with him always.
Another promise he broke. Because I never saw Judge again. Oh, he tried. I knew that. Still broke my heart when he called me from Oregon weeks later. Told me his mother was hysterical, not the same woman she had been before his father passed.
I’d seen signs of that already. In the days after she looked different, crazed almost. Still, Judge promised to come get me. Or send me bus money. We talked every day for months. Then school started and his mother got worse and it became weekly. Then here and there. And then, not at all. The last time we talked, I knew. He d
idn't know, but I did.
Judge was a sophomore by then in a big city with plenty of non-trashy girls who knew all about his pain. Judge called me one night just weeks before my parents vanished. We’d made plan after plan for me to go but it had been almost a year since he had left me.
My dad had started in on me again but I was stronger. Because of Judge. Because he made me feel worth something. His promises gave me hope. Even after the night he called me to break my heart. He didn't say the words but I heard them just the same. I never called him again and even though he called me, I knew it was over.
Us, and the promises we’d made each other, were over.
"I miss you bug. So fucking much,” He’d sounded miserable, desperate, and I knew it was as hard on him as it was me, “It's so hard. I love you so much. I feel like...like my world is fucking coming apart without you in it." It broke my heart to hear him hurting so badly.
"I love you too, baby,” I knew it wasn't enough and I hated it,' I miss you so much. I'm....I'm so sorry Judge." Judge cried with me as he told me how his mother was worse, coming apart like a madwoman.
Judge promised he would be with me soon. Or I would be with him. Told me how much he liked the little town. The same one he once swore he hated. Told me how nice the kids at school were. How he fit in at last. That hurt. Judge had always fit; with me.
But, I realized he had always been wrong. It was never supposed to be us together. Judge came into my life to help me survive. Without him, I may not have. But, I had to let him go. He didn’t really belong with me at all.
Judge didn't belong in that shit hole town, even though once he had never wanted to leave. Until me. That’s what I had given him; I soothed the rage that often consumed him. And, I made him want for more. On that last phone call, I knew he realized the same. So, I said goodbye one last time.
"Call me tomorrow, baby. I love you, Bug. You're my girl and that's just how the fuck it is, okay?" My voice was thick with grief and tears as I lied to him.
"I will, baby. I love you too. Of course, I'm your girl. That's how it is."
Five days later, I woke up in a hospital. I’d trashed our entire shitty house in a blind rage. I’d been a bloody mess and my mother pretended to be worried. Suicide attempt, they said. I can’t tell you if it was or wasn’t; I don’t remember anything until I woke up, feeling utterly broken. Two months later my parents were gone. There was nothing left of the life I’d known.
I shut down. Became the cold bitch I am today. I lost the one good thing I ever knew. Judge never came for me. He wasn't there when I came home to that empty shack. Wasn't there when I graduated. When I took that job at the bar to survive. When I had to turn Beau down time and again until I’d had enough and fled town. I was never the same and I had him to thank for that.
He broke me, but he also made me strong enough to survive.
Thinking about Judge again was bringing me nothing but pain. I pick up my phone and go to the photos. Inside are photos from another time. Another life. Photos of me with when I wasn't merely lukewarm. When I felt as warm as the sun. Because of him.
My life before him had been shit. Like a switch flipping on, he changed it all. Looked at me, made me that first promise to protect me, and I believed I’d always have him. I never thought he could break those promises, but here I am, without him. Unsure where he is or what he’s doing. I only have the memories of the boy I once loved so deeply I thought it could carry us forever.
I smile through tears as I swipe through photos of us. Laughing and making faces in a photo booth. One of me looking at him like he hung the fucking moon. Another of him looking at me like I was the stars. Young love had been beautiful and painful but it had also been fucking real.
Two years ago, I started to look for him. After I came to Boston, I had to know. Was he married? Did he have kids? Was he still in Oregon looking after his mother? Did he miss me as terribly as I still missed him? Why had he given up trying to talk to me? Why had he never come for me?
I searched social media sites and even paid for one of those people finders. I couldn't find a single trace of Judge Walker anywhere. Like he’d vanished. I even tried to find his mom, but hit nothing but dead ends. Finally, I gave up. Realizing that Judge must have moved on. Found himself a new life. One that he deserved. That didn't tie him to trash like me.
Setting my phone aside, I know I won't be sleeping. With no classes tomorrow, I want nothing more than to sleep. To dream. In my dreams, Judge had come for me. Like he promised he would. In my dreams, he’s still mine and I’m still his, like he promised we always would be.
I close my eyes and see his handsome face as I always did. Smiling and bright like the moonlight. I just start to feel his touch at my face when there's a pounding at the door. Strange.
Hope loses her key all the time but if Bert’s still downstairs, he could have just let her in. If Bert’s not downstairs, no one who didn't live here could get in. I decide it has to be Hope and Bert must have gone home.
I shove from the bed, slipping the dress over my head. I don't want the memories now. I need to wash them off, let them swirl down the drain with the rest of the night.
I head to the door in just my panties and toss it open. Nothing Hope’s not seen before, anyway. Except when I throw the door open, half naked and a mess from my memories and sexy strangers, it is not Hope at the door.
It is a beautiful man with sandy hair, too long on top, staring down at me. He's all muscle in his tight gray t-shirt and perfect fitting jeans. Bright green eyes slide over me, from my pink painted toes to my pink nipples. Which harden from the way he's looking at me. I'm shoved back inside and his mouth is on me. I smell springtime and woods and I moan.
"Fuck you taste so good, Bug." I go from lukewarm to blazing hot when I hear that voice say that name.
Before I collapse to the floor as my knees give out, he catches me. He brings me against his firm chest and I start to sob. My arms hook about his massive shoulders, lacing my fingers in his hair. We move and I'm falling backwards. My bedroom. In the bright moonlight spilling through the floor to ceiling windows, I watch him.
It's him. My Him. Judge.
Without speaking, he stands and crosses to my bedroom door. I start to cry out, thinking he's leaving. I watch as he closes and locks it, the click loud in the quiet room. Slowly, he stalks back towards me. One arm bends behind him and his shirt is gone. I watch him unbuckle his belt and his jeans hit the floor. He's naked and fucking beautiful.
"Come here, baby. Let me wash you, Bug." I take his hand and follow him wordlessly to my en suite.
I don't have words. I don't know what to say or if I could speak if I did know. The shower turns on and I'm watching him as he watches me. He smiles that sweet, perfect smile and I realize I'm smiling too. Like a fucking idiot. I see my face split in half in a grin in the mirror.
He closes the distance between us and cups my jaw in his big hands. His eyes flutter as he touches his forehead to mine. He's kissing me, gently. Sweetly. After he breaks away, I can barely breathe but I'm smiling up at him. He shoves my panties away then leads me into the shower.
"Fuck you're beautiful, baby. Jesus Christ, you take my breath away Cress. Look at me." I obey, smiling still, moving close against his wet body.
"Yes?" His hands cup my face again and he smiles too, touching his nose to mine.
"I missed you so fucking much, Bug. Took me way too fucking long but I came to keep my promise, baby. It's you and me together. You're my girl and that's just how the fuck it is." He kisses me again. It feels like it had that very first time. Cherry Cola.
"Judge..." My Judge.
Standing here in my shower, kissing and caressing me. After fucking me like a stranger. I’m ashamed as guilt tears through me even as his tongue slides into my mouth. Judge breaks away, his eyes full of sadness. Of his own guilt.
Lifting me, he sets me on the high step and shoves between my legs. Slowly, he soaps up his hands and washes me. We
don't speak but I know there’s so much to say. Instead, he kisses me and touches me and lets me do the same. I wash him and learn his body like it’s new to me.
It kind of is; he was always big and beautiful but good lord. He shot up at least four inches and towers over me. Where he had been solid before he’s now rock hard. The beginnings of the muscles he'd had before were now defined; huge arms with roped muscles, carved abs that would put an underwear model to shame and thick muscular thighs. Between which a massive cock, heavy and thick, hangs hard and needy. I want to taste him. Watching him, I sink to my knees with the water pounding at his back.
"Cress, no,” His big hands tangle in my wet hair as he hisses through his teeth, “Jesus Christ, baby. Know how often I dreamt about that mouth wrapped around my cock?" I manage a smile as I lick up and down his length, tasting his salty sweetness at the tip.
I open my mouth and take him inside. Judge moans and shit that makes me weak. Wet. Needy. He isn't the only one with filthy dreams involving his cock. I circle my hand around his thickness, sucking him to the back of my throat. Judge growls and bucks his hips. Those bright green eyes never look away.
My other hand cups his balls, holding and rolling and he throws his head back. Pleasure courses through me as I watch him react to me. Come apart for me. His hips rock, shoving his cock into my mouth as he grunts, one hand dropping to twist and tug at my nipples. He tightens as his eyes go hooded, and I smile around him.
"Fuck, baby. Make me come in your mouth. Take me down your throat, baby. You're so fucking beautiful with my cock down your throat." I moan around him as he comes, grunting my name and thrusting his hips as hot jets of come hit the back of my throat.
Without another word, Judge lifts me onto the seat again. Then he’s on his knees, hands spreading my thighs wide open. Smiling the sexiest smile I’d ever seen up at me, he lifts one leg over his shoulder. His dark head dives between my legs, his hot tongue sliding between my swollen pussy.
