by Jo Raven
That’s what I want for my family. For myself. That’s worth every sliver of fear and every drop of sorrow. It’s worth everything.
* * *
“Hey, girl.” I pull Octavia against me after lunch, after sending Evan away to rest and Melissa upstairs to play, and lead her into the living room. “Well, we’re here, helping, and Melissa’s mom should come tomorrow or Monday to pick her up.” I tug her to the sofa, sit down and pull her on my lap. “Whatever the truth about her is. But what about you? Anything you would like to do while we’re back in your old town? Any friends you want to visit?”
I really need to talk to Evan about the girl’s mother. Yeah, I know it’s none of my goddamn business, and yet…
“I need to see Ross.”
I blink, caught off guard. “What?”
“Ross is getting out of prison tomorrow. We could go pick him up.”
“Why the hell would we wanna do that?”
“Because,” she says quietly, her arms twined around my neck, a flush on her cheeks and the glitter of tears in her eyes, “nobody else will.”
Her words settle over us, heavy and sharp.
“Tay…” Fuck, how can I convince her to let go of this crazy idea? “Ross is in prison for a reason. He’s a criminal.”
“He’s just sad and drinks too much.”
“Sad? He’s a bully. He likes kicking puppies and hurting people. Let his dick of a dad go pick him up.”
“That’s the thing, Matt. His dad won’t go. Nobody will, and I’m his sister.”
“Half-sister,” I say stubbornly. “And after the way he treated you all your life, you owe him nothing, Tay. Nothing.”
She rests her head on my shoulder, and the sweet weight of her body on mine is distracting, getting my blood singing and my dick hard. “Gigi called. She said… said I should forget about Ross.”
“See? Even your sister agrees with me.”
“It doesn’t matter.” She sighs. “I am not Gigi. Never was. I want to do this for me. Just to show him he’s not alone in the world, don’t you see? That’s all.”
I consider this. “And that’s it? We drive him back here, and you leave this alone?”
Seems like a small price to pay to appease Octavia’s obsession with Ross and get her back home safe.
“I guess. So that both you and Gigi can get off my case.”
I harrumph, absently tightening my hold on her.
Gigi may be a bombshell, but she doesn’t seem to have Octavia’s kind heart. Gigi would never have taken the time to know me, understand me, tame me. Save me.
But in this she’s right. Octavia needs to let go of this pet project.
Ross is beyond saving.
Right?
Beyond saving—you mean like you were? a small voice whispers in my mind. Who can tell who is worth saving and who isn’t? And who says you have a say over Octavia’s heart, and why do you think her kindness should stop at you and nobody else?
Dammit. I hate it when my inner voice disagrees with me.
“Fine,” I grumble. “We’ll go get fucking Ross from the prison and drive him here. But he stays away from you, Tay, got me? If he as much as lays a finger on you, or looks at you funny, I swear I’ll break every single bone in his goddamn body.”
She shivers and peeks up at me with half-lidded eyes. “No hitting. No bone breaking. You got to promise me, Matt.”
Goddammit. “No bone breaking if he looks at you funny,” I concede. “But he’s staying away from you, and that’s non-negotiable.”
She sighs and snickers softly. “Fair enough. He’ll be nice, you’ll see.”
And even if he is, he won’t be fooling me. Leopards don’t change their spots, and Ross Jones can’t change who he is. People don’t change. End of story.
Sooner or later, I think, Octavia will realize all this, and I refuse to consider what it might mean—about me.
Chapter Eight
Octavia
I wake up with a start, tears drying on my cheeks, and I’m suffocating, choking on sorrow. Sitting up, I press a hand to my chest, trying to fill my crushed lungs.
Oh God… That dream again. That nightmare.
I can’t let it happen. I can’t allow it.
God, I want to see Mom, Gigi and Merc, Mary and Cole and Matt’s mom, Kaden and Hailey. Everyone, make sure they’re okay. I get how Matt feels now. It’s as if he walks inside a living nightmare sometimes, where nothing is permanent, where happiness is a temporary, fleeting thing.
That’s how I am feeling right now.
Matt…
Slowly it sinks in that I’m in a living room, but not at home. Evan’s living room. The curtains are drawn, the light dim. I’m swathed in a blanket, pillows piled around me.
Huh. I can’t remember how this happened. The last thing I remember is kissing Matt here, on the sofa, and then… I must have fallen asleep in his arms. This is his doing.
A smile spreads on my face, and warmth in my chest, chasing the cold of the nightmare away. We’re okay. This isn’t—
“Why are you crying?” a small voice asks right behind me, and I scream. I swear I jump a foot off the sofa, my heart pounding fit to burst out of my chest.
Oh my God.
“Did I scare you?” Melissa asks, walking around the sofa to face me.
Baby Jesus, give me strength. “A little. What are you doing here?”
She shrugs her bony shoulders. “Playing. You slept a long time. Did you have a bad dream?”
“Yeah.”
“I get them sometimes, too.”
I pat the cushion beside me, and she sits down. I draw her slight body to me. “What are they about?”
Another shrug. “Mom.”
“Is she in danger in the dreams?”
She nods. “And I have to stay with her, and I’m scared.”
Stay with her? But she is staying with her most of the time, isn’t she? Apart from the time she spends here with her uncle.
But before I can ask her what she means, Evan walks in, and Melissa gets up and runs to him, hugging his legs.
My chest constricts at how much she trusts him.
“Slept okay?” he asks, and I nod.
“Sorry.” I throw my legs off the side of the sofa, my face burning with embarrassment. “I’m here to help and instead I spend my time sleeping.”
“Octavia, Christ…” He shakes his head, hugging the girl closer. “You have no idea how much you and Matt have helped me already, just by being here. It was more than the accident and the pain, it was… all too much. Melissa wanted to be here, and I couldn’t take proper care of her, and I quit the garage, and just the thought of moving, looking for a job elsewhere was driving me up the wall. And Melissa… she’s everything to me. If I can’t take care of her…”
I sit up straighter as he turns his face away. God. He’s coming apart in front of my eyes, and I don’t know if I should pretend not to notice, or do something, like get up and hug him.
Just then Matt walks into the room, rubbing his forehead as if fighting a headache, almost plowing into Evan and Melissa.
“Fuck.” He jerks back just in time not to bowl them over, dark eyes widening. “Sorry, guys. Wasn’t seeing where I was going.”
“Everything okay?” Evan frowns, hauling Melissa behind him with his good arm, an instinctive gesture of protection. His gaze sharpens. “You look wiped, man. I thought I was the one who couldn’t focus these days.”
Crap. Getting to my feet, I step in front of Matt, belatedly realizing that’s as much a protective gesture as Evan shoving his little niece behind him. “Why don’t you guys watch some TV together? I need to talk to Matt.”
He frowns at me, dark brows heavy over his eyes. “You should rest some more.”
Evan’s gaze flicks between us. “Am I missing something here? You okay, Octavia?”
Matt puts his arm around my shoulders, and his mouth tugs up at the corners in a smile. “She’s more than okay.”
A burn
ing blush moves up my neck to my ears. “I, uh…”
“She’s pregnant,” Matt says, his voice low and rough, like a caress, and I shiver as he tucks me into his side.
“Baby!” Melissa appears from around her uncle, her little face eager. “Where?”
That makes me laugh, and I put a hand over my mouth. “Not here yet, sweetie.”
“Still inside,” Matt growls softly, and puts his hand possessively over my belly.
It makes my heart flip over with happiness.
Evan shakes his head, smiling faintly. “I thought I noticed a baby bump, but was waiting for you guys to share the news. By the way, you should have said something on the phone. You let me drag you here all this way when she should be taking it easy.”
“Hey, I am taking it easy.” I gesture at the sofa. “Did you miss the part where I spent most of today asleep?”
“Kids are such a blessing,” he murmurs, his gaze a bit distant, as if he hasn’t heard me. “Some people don’t realize how fucking much, don’t appreciate what they have.”
“Language, Evan,” Melissa scolds him, and I snort-laugh.
This kid is too much.
The surprised look on his face either means she normally doesn’t do that, or that he was so far inside his head he’s shocked someone heard him. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she mutters, and I fight the urge to snort-laugh some more.
“Baby will be here in about… four months and…” I stop, hearing my own words.
Four months.
Holy crap. In four months I will have a baby in my arms, Matt’s baby. My heart swells, my eyes start to burn.
Oh no, I’m going to start crying for no good reason at all.
“We’re going upstairs,” Matt says, as if sensing this. He always gets me, feels me. “Like she said, we need to talk.”
Gently, he turns me around and steers me toward the stairs.
I let him, hanging on to him. We go up the stairs a step at a time. Just like in life, I tell myself, willing the tears not to fall, mortified that I’d break down over such a small thing, such a beautiful thing. A good thing.
Is it hormones? I feel so overwhelmed lately—with feelings. With worry. With joy.
That’s a good thing, right?
The best thing.
Ever.
* * *
“Come here.” The moment we are inside the guest bedroom with the door closed, he pulls me into his arms. “You okay?”
I burrow into his strong chest, his arms like walls around me, his scent calming me down, making me go lax and pliant. “Yeah.”
“What happened? Did I say something that upset you?”
“No, it was fine. I’m…” Easily moved to tears, but I don’t want to talk about myself. “You looked mad when you entered the living room. What happened?”
He pulls back a little to look down at me. “I wasn’t mad at you, Tay.”
“I know.” I smile up at him. God, I love this guy. “I know that. But something did happen, right?”
He rubs circles against my lower back. His eyes soften. “It’s nothing. Just that Kaden insists we get extra help for the shop. He may be right. God knows he’s got just as much a say in that business as I do, but… I forget that sometimes. I forget he’s not a small, snotty kid anymore but a grown-up man with experience and a family. A responsible man. But I’m too worried about everyone most of the time to let him take any responsibility. I feel like I’m accountable for every problem at work, or in the family, and… And I don’t know why the fuck I’m telling you all this. You don’t need to concern yourself with my crazy mind.”
“I love concerning myself with your crazy mind. You’re my man. My partner. My love. I want to share everything with you.”
He sighs and draws me closer, pressing my head to his chest, where I can listen to his heartbeat boom. “You shouldn’t have to. I need to get my shit together. Get over this goddamn anxiety, over this fear.”
But of course he’s worried about the garage. About his brother, his kids. About Evan and Melissa.
Sure, I am worried, too, about the future. I just got my early childhood education degree, and I’m pregnant. Still need to do my bachelor’s, and getting a job now is probably out of the question, at least for the next year. Daycare will be a bit more than we can afford with still getting a new business off the ground.
We had intended to wait a bit more, truth be told, but it just happened, and I don’t regret it. I just know it will be extra stress on Matt’s shoulders. More mouths to feed.
He told me that he couldn’t be happier, though. And I believe him. I can see the joy in his eyes. That man-pride, and the hope for the future. You can’t fake that. Can’t lie about it.
Right?
“What’s wrong, girl? I can feel you shaking, you know.” His hand smooths up my back, strokes my hair. “I’ve just spilled my fears for you. You said you wanna share everything. So tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I don’t want to be another burden,” I blurt out. “I want to find a job, any job, until the baby is born.”
“Christ, that’s what’s worrying you? You don’t have to, Tay. Just because I get so paranoid about things sometimes has nothing to do with you. I love taking care of you, of our baby, too. I know you want to get your bachelor’s, but we have time for that. Meanwhile, you can help out at the garage, if you want, keep the books. You’re good with numbers and stuff.” He smiles, I hear it in his voice. “That way I can look up and see you whenever I feel like the world is caving in on me, remember how lucky I am, and forget to be a grumpy old bastard.”
The tears threaten again, even as I smile through them at the image of a grease-covered, grumpy Matt looking up at me from where he’s working on a car, half-naked and sexy as a God to shoot me a grin and a wink. “Are you… are you happy with me? Being with me, having this baby? I’m…”
So insecure lately. Caught between the changes in my body, in my thoughts, the hormones wreaking havoc with my brain, and the upheavals in my life—the pregnancy, the end of college—they all seem too much right now.
All I want to do is nest in warmth and quiet, in a safe place, with Matt.
Nesting. That again.
God.
“Are you serious?” He’s pulling away again, and I don’t want him to, I want to stay in the circle of his arms, but he’s having none of it. He puts a finger under my chin, tilting my face up. “Tay. Hell, girl. You, the baby… Evan is right. You’re a blessing. You have my fucking heart. It’s yours.”
And why does this, his words, the sincerity ringing clear and true through them, make me cry harder? Dammit. “But I’ve changed. My body, my… my…”
God, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, or do.
But he seems to know what I mean, what I need. “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and that’s not changing, Tay. Ever. If anything, I want you more every fucking day. Feel me?” He rocks his hips forward a little, and I gasp when his thick hard-on brands my stomach. “Feel how much I want you.”
My breath comes out in a rush, a maddening throb starting low in my belly, a wave of desire rolling through my body, tightening my nipples and heating my blood.
“God, I want you so damn much.” When he dips his head to brush his mouth over mine, licking the salt of tears off my lips, I wrap my arms around his neck and lose myself in him. Against my mouth, he whispers, “Let me show you.”
* * *
He walks me backward, until I hit the bed, and lowers me down, laying me out, moving to settle between my legs.
“I fucking love your dresses,” he grunts. “Love taking them off, or just…” He shoves the hem up my legs. I squirm on the bed as he drags down my panties, leaving me exposed. “Just lifting them up. Hot damn, girl... You’re so wet for me.”
I am. Cool air washes between my legs, over my overheated flesh, making me moan. And then he rubs his thumb over my clit, sliding it between my folds, a
nd I’m already panting, teetering on the edge of an orgasm that could tear me apart.
So of course I try to close my legs, escape from the intensity of the sensations, and of course he’s having none of it. He keeps my legs apart by wedging himself more firmly between them and flicks his thumb over my clit, making me gasp.
“Mine,” he says, his gaze lifting from my pussy to my face, eyes darkening to stormy black. “I’ll make you come.”
I have no doubt about that. “Inside me,” I breathe. “Want you inside me.”
Deep, filling me up, meshing with me.
“You ready for me?” Holding my gaze, he presses his thumb inside me, and I arch up, choking on a moan. “Fuck, I think you are.”
He’s still fucking me with his thumb, and I’m gasping, pleasure ricocheting inside my body, my release hovering just a breath away, right out of grasp, and—
He pulls his thumb out.
Leaving me poised on the edge, breathless and flushed, the pulse deep inside me painful.
He swipes his thumb one last time over my pussy, making me jerk and hiss, and sits back on his heels, grabbing the hem of his sweater and T-shirt, pulling both up.
Distracting me from the urgent need to come.
I prop myself on my elbows to watch as he drags the clothes off him, baring his muscular, inked chest and corded arms, ruffling his dark hair so that it falls in his eyes, soft like black silk.
By the time he unbuttons and unzips his jeans, pushing them down, toeing off his boots and socks and finally kneeling naked between my legs, my mouth is dry and my insides clenching again with want.
“No matter how much I like pushing up your dress,” he growls under his breath, closing his hand around his cock and stroking himself almost absently, his eyes heavy-lidded, “I want you naked.”
He’s so sexy like that, so hot—and the thought fizzles out as the pleasure rises to a roar, and desire jumps like flames in my blood, a wildfire burning low in my belly.
Tearing my gaze off his strong, big hand that’s working his hard-on, off the clenched muscles of his taut stomach and the thorny edges of his black ink curling around his ribs, I shrug off my cardigan and squirm until I can pull my dress off.
