I was probably the only secret between them. I didn’t want that. “Tell her everything. You have my permission.”
“Thanks, man. I’d never ask, but I appreciate that you’re letting me tell her.”
Ainsley had softened Adam in ways I’d never thought possible. He was becoming settled, and it suited him.
“I should have had you tell her a while ago, but I wasn’t thinking. Sorry, man.”
Adam opened the car door. “No apology needed,” he said. “I’ll go pay for two bags if you’ll grab them from the cooler.”
“Sounds good,” I said. “It’s fucking cold out here.”
Adam called over his shoulder, “Your fault for not wearing a damn jacket!”
I laughed. Bastard. Slowly, things seemed to be falling into place. Patience and perseverance were going to be key in the coming days.
IT TOOK ME nearly three hours to get ready for coffee. I wanted to look pretty without simultaneously screaming, “Take me to bed!” When I finally pulled into the parking lot, the place was fairly full with people getting their morning caffeine fix. This was where we had our first date after Brandt got my number at the concert. We’d talked for hours that morning. Brandt had asked me to dinner the following night, and from that point on, my heart had belonged to him. Taking the visor down, I checked my makeup one last time to make sure everything was still okay. My insides felt like I’d already had twelve cups of coffee when I hadn’t had a drop yet.
In the passenger seat, my phone vibrated.
Brandt: I see you.
I flipped up the visor to find him standing at the front of my car. His hair was down, and he was still the most handsome guy I’d ever seen. In the winter, he always wore long-sleeved thermal shirts and jeans. Inside, I smiled. Maybe I still knew Brandt after all. I pushed my legs together in response to my natural impulses. Once, he’d been mine. I took a couple of settling breaths as we smiled at each other. They were nervous smiles, which calmed me—knowing he and I were probably feeling the same way. I got out of my car, pulling my jacket around me as I walked over to Brandt.
“Hey, stranger. Are you stalking me?” I couldn’t help my flirtatious tone.
Brandt chuckled. “Honestly, I didn’t want to miss a minute with you, so I got here twenty minutes early.”
I blushed.
Someone brushed passed me in a hurry to get into the coffee shop.
An older gentlemen turned and said, “Sorry, ma’am. My apologies.”
“It’s okay, have a great day.”
“You, too. My grandson is arriving today. I haven’t seen him in ten years, and I want to greet him with his favorite coffee.”
Total jubilation exuberated from the man, and my heart lightened seeing someone so happy.
I gave him a warm smile. “Have fun. That’s so exciting!”
He was off through the door, whistling and hurrying to the counter.
Brandt took my hand, and I gasped at the sensation coursing through my veins. It was the first time we’d touched since the breakup.
Brandt stopped. “Is this okay?
My initial response was to lean into him, to feel Brandt close to me. He felt like home, even though there were skeletons lurking in the dark corners of our past. My shoulder brushed his, and I pulled back, realizing what I was doing. My movement wasn’t obvious, but I wanted Brandt to take the lead.
“Yes, I like it.”
We stood on the sidewalk, smiling goofily at each other. I shivered in the breeze, and he said, “Let’s get you inside, Nikola.”
I nodded as he led me inside. The coffee shop smelled of freshly-ground beans and pastries, making me salivate. We were third in line, and there were still a few vacant tables. The man who had bumped into me received his order. He passed us and gave me another big grin. He was precious. I wondered what the story was behind him not seeing his grandkid for ten years. I’d never know, but I hoped they never lost touch again.
I looked up when Brandt squeezed my hand and said, “Do you want your usual?”
In this moment, it felt like we’d never been apart. “Yes. Thank you.”
He winked. We moved up in line and Brandt moved his hand to the small of my back, bringing me a little closer. His scent enveloped me, and I leaned into him. We stood silently, but the vein in my neck pulsed quickly as excited, nervous energy took over.
At the front of the line, the barista greeted us, “Welcome to Kennedy’s Coffee. What can I get for you today?”
“She’ll have a blueberry muffin and a medium caramel macchiato. I’ll have a large black coffee.”
The barista punched in the order. She looked young, college-aged. “Is that all?”
“Yes.”
“Your total is nine eighteen.”
Brandt let go of my back, and I instantly missed the connection. He pulled out his wallet and handed her a ten and a few ones. “Keep the change.”
She smiled. “Thank you. Here’s your number. Place it on the table and we’ll bring your order to you when it’s ready.”
“Thank you,” I said with a smile.
As we made our way to the corner table, the memory of one of our last visits here came without warning.
It had been five days since I’d seen Brandt and I was anxious to be with him. An unexpected trip to New York, followed by endless problems, had delayed my return home. Adam was out of town, meeting with someone regarding a new security system for the members of Club Envy. Brandt had passed on the trip so he could see me since I’d been out of town, but that meant he had to work security. Otherwise, we’d have been at the club, having fun in our room. I loved being at the club with Brandt—the sex swing was one of my favorites. But at least we’d get to see each other for a bit tonight before he went back to work.
I pulled up to Kennedy’s Coffee, throwing my car into park just as Brandt arrived. It was dark out, and I was desperate to have him. Brandt jumped out of his truck and met me at the front of my car.
He bent down, putting a hand on each side of my face. His tongue invaded my mouth as he kissed me with a passion that ignited the yearning I’d felt for the past five days. I bit his lower lip, and he growled at the sensation.
“Fuck. I missed you, Nikki.”
I licked my lips. He only called me Nikki when he was about to take me.
“I missed you, too.”
He looked around. The streets were fairly deserted as late evening approached.
Without saying a word, he took my hand and we walked to the dark alley. I knew what was coming. When he’d texted me before I took off, asking if he could meet for twenty minutes when I landed, I knew we’d end up being together—somewhere.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“I can’t wait. I need to come inside you. It’s been too long.”
After a year of dating, we’d stopped using condoms. Sex with no barriers was the way to go. There were a pile of pallets against the wall. A dim street light flickered across the way, leaving the area behind the pallets in a faint light.
Brandt looked back toward the street, then grabbed me before pushing me against the brick wall. “Take your panties off. I need your pussy bare.”
Brandt was domineering in the bedroom. My independent personality faded when he took control. I loved giving myself to him. I trusted him explicitly.
“I’m not wearing any panties,” I said. “I took them off on the plane, hoping you’d take me.”
Leaning against the brick, I unzipped the front of my black, retro dress. It was stylish and out there, but made for great unplanned alley sex. The glow from the street light lit my body as the zipper made its way down the dress, showing my lack of undergarments.
“Fuck me. Nikki, you’re about to have me in you.” He touched me and stuck two fingers in me, making sure I’d be able to take him without being primed.
“I needed you. I made sure I was ready.”
The sound of his zipper had me breathing heavier. I jumped into Brandt’
s arms as my back slammed into the brick wall. His dick pushed in all the way as his mouth found my exposed nipple. My dress hung to the sides. The long-awaited sensation of Brandt pulsing within me was exquisite. Potentially being caught fueled the drive.
A moan escaped me as my head fell back. Brandt took a long stroke out, then slammed into me deep and hard, jarring my body against the brick.
“You drive me mad with want, Nikki.”
“Don’t stop.”
The motions became faster, more desperate, rougher. I reveled in the sensation.
“Let go, Nikki. Let go.”
My body complied as stars danced in my vision, and I spiraled into pleasure.
“I love you with all that I am, baby.”
“I love you, too, Brandt. So much.”
We kissed as Brandt stayed buried in me, releasing himself inside me.
Brandt’s voice brought me out of my memory. “You’re thinking about that time in the alley, aren’t you? After you’d been gone for five days.”
We were at the table, and he’d pulled the chair out for me. How long had I been standing here, lost in the past? I blushed as I took my seat. I’d been caught, and he knew it. Brandt’s eyes danced over my body, and it ignited again. I looked away.
“It’s hard not to remember those things when you touch me.” After a few seconds to gather my frazzled thoughts, I looked back into his eyes. “Regardless of how natural it feels between us, we have a lot to discuss.”
He nodded. “I agree. I’m an open book, Nikola. The only way I think we can start building trust is with you asking anything that comes to your mind and me answering. If I just share everything I think you want to know, you may settle for less than you really want. I don’t want that. I want something better than what we had.”
Words of my Grandmama came to my mind, Sometimes when something breaks and you fix it, the end result is twice as strong.
“I want this to work, but I’m scared. What if we don’t work together anymore?” My voice shook, and the words made me want to cry.
His brow crinkled, as if the words I spoke were more unpleasant to hear than they were to speak. “I hope to hell that’s not the case. I’ll take this at a turtle’s pace if needed. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Let’s focus on now and not all the what-if’s.”
“That’s fair.”
A waitress delivered our order, taking the number as she turned.
I took a small bite from my muffin, followed by a sip of coffee. Brandt drank his coffee and watched me closely.
“I can ask you whatever I want? Are there topics that are a no go area?”
“None. Ask anything that comes to mind.”
Brandt calmly sat back in his chair. I felt his leg intertwine with mine, and it was comforting. I pushed my leg against his, letting him know I was okay with the gesture.
“How many girls have you slept with since me?” Shocked at my first question, I slapped a hand over my mouth. “I mean…you don’t…oh, hell. I can’t believe I just asked that.”
He put his hand over mine as he leaned forward. After a few moments, I glanced up into his searing blue eyes.
“You can ask anything.” Brandt took a deep cleansing breath. “I slept with one person after we broke up. It was three months after getting out of rehab. She was a random person I met at a bar with Trigger. I thought having sex with someone else would help me get over you, since, at the time, I thought I’d never have a chance to get you back. I was wrought with guilt at what I had done to you and took the easy way out. But after that, I decided that if I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone else.”
Thinking of Brandt with someone else hurt, though he’d had every right to see other girls. But knowing Brandt couldn’t sleep with anyone else warmed me. I’d felt the same way. Maybe we have a shot. I thought. As I processed his words, I decided to give him the same honesty.
“Thanks for telling me the truth. It stings thinking someone else had you, even though you weren’t mine. Do you want to know about me? This can go both ways.”
His voice lowered. Brandt looked down as he whispered, “Yes, I want to know.”
“I slept with one person, one time. That was it. We dated for a month, and I slept with him in a moment of desperation, trying to force myself to forget you. Afterward, I felt dirty, like I’d betrayed you. We broke up the next day. That was three months ago.”
I played with my muffin, squishing pieces of it on my napkin. There was so much hurt for both of us. The grip on my fingers slightly tightened, and I returned the squeeze.
Finally, he met my eyes. “Nikola, you’re anything but dirty. As you said, it stings, but at least there’s only one fucker out there I have to be jealous of. Was it Wesley?”
I shook my head. “No. Since we met at the support group, we’ve strictly been friends. He had a girlfriend who used. She was released about four months ago, and they started talking again about a month ago. He’s afraid she might have relapsed last week, but isn’t sure. Hopefully not. Wesley’s working with her sponsor this week to see.”
I felt his leg push against mine again as Brandt relaxed back into his seat and took another sip of coffee. A woman near us was blatantly staring at Brandt. He only had eyes for me. Without thinking, I raised an eyebrow at her—she turned away, blushing.
Brandt chuckled. “I like that you’re still jealous. Gives me hope.”
Taking another sip of coffee, I tried to hide my smile. Setting my cup back down, I took a serious tone. “Why’d you start using?” I asked. “I thought we were happy. I’ve replayed our time together over and over, and I can’t figure out what drove you to start.”
This was probably the question Brandt had thought I would start with. He cracked his neck. “I was at a party I’d heard about. You were out of town, and I figured why not. I went and realized that it was ultimately a drug fest. When I saw what was going on, I turned to leave when I overheard someone trying to convince someone else to try a line of blow. I wanted to hear the sales pitch and how ridiculous it was. They said it wasn’t addictive if used in moderation. All the actors snorted a line from time to time. I was stupid enough to fall for it. I knew better. I fucking knew better, but I was tired and stressed out with all the success of the club.”
He paused as if taking himself back to that day. “I went to the guy and listened to the rest of his speech. He talked about how cocaine gave you endless energy and how you could conquer the world on it. I told myself that if I did it in moderation, and only used when you weren’t in town, I could get twice as much done and have more time for you. My day had been beyond shitty, and I just wanted to escape for a bit.
“Before I knew it, I’d convinced myself to snort a line. It did exactly what they said it would. I felt powerful and ready to take on anything. I went back to the club afterward and could get three days’ worth of work done. From there, I craved that power, and I guess it took over my life before I realized it. I lied to everyone I knew and loved. The cravings happened more often and I’d developed a tolerance—I had to use more and more. It had nothing to do with our happiness at all. Before I knew it, I wasn’t me anymore and I hurt everyone I loved. But the worst part was losing you.”
His words cut right through me. As he spoke, memories played in my head: finding the coke, Brandt denying using, the end of our relationship.
“If we try this again, what will keep you from using again? I’m scared shitless that whatever triggered you last time could send you to drugs. I was part of that equation, and I don’t think I could survive it again. It nearly killed me to lose you.”
Without warning, Brandt scooted his chair next to mine and hugged me. I grabbed him as if he was the air I needed to breathe. My battered soul was soothed in his arms. I dug my nails into his back, trying to meld us together.
“Baby, I’ll always be an addict. But I haven’t used once since I left rehab, despite some pretty dark days. Knowing what the drugs cost me has kept me aw
ay from them. And it always will.” He paused to take a deep breath. “Let’s not put pressure on ourselves. I still love you, Nikola. You don’t have to say it back, but I don’t want you to doubt what I feel for you. I think losing you makes me love you even more now.”
Tears spilled down my cheek, and I pulled away slightly. Brandt’s thumbs came brushed them away, bringing me back to where I’d been. I was lost for words. He was right—I wasn’t ready to say it back. Telling him I loved him at this point would leave me more vulnerable than I was ready to be.
He continued, “I don’t expect us to pick up where we left off. We’ve changed and need to learn each other. I get you being scared. Just tell me when things are too much, and we’ll dial it down to where you’re comfortable.” He searched my eyes as a few more tears came down. “What do you think?”
Brandt’s fingers grazed my cheek and said, “Even though we’ve changed, there are still things that are the same. Like you biting your cheek when you’re nervous. We still know each other. Being with you feels better than anything, but you don’t have to answer today, Nikola.”
I wanted this, but we needed to set limits since our sexual chemistry was explosive. We had to make sure we weren’t covering our problems with sex like we used to. Taking a deep breath, I replied, “I want to see where this goes.” My voice trembled.
Brandt looked like he’d won the ultimate prize. He dropped his hands from my face and grabbed both of my hands. His thumbs stroked mine.
“I have one semi-condition, though.”
“Name it. Anything.” His voice was resolute.
That was powerful, knowing he wanted me bad.
“No sex until we’re ready. Let’s try to make it a month.”
“Deal. Whatever it takes.” I looked up a little surprised. “I told you, Nikola, whatever it takes to get us back to a healthy, happy spot.”
We were both smiling when a devilish grin spread across Brandt’s face. It was the smile from when he used to tease me. “What if you beg me for sex?”
Domino Effect Page 5
