by Anna Antonia
“M’hija, you can stretch your legs all you want across this state. You don’t have to move to Colorado. It’s over a thousand miles away.”
“Richard, it won’t be that bad of a drive.”
“Lila, it’s fifteen hours up US-287! It’ll take us all day to drive there.”
“So we’ll fly.”
“You know I hate flying.”
“Baby, don’t try to guilt her into staying. She’s a grown woman. She can go where she wants.”
While my dad drew in a breath, I managed to break in. “You guys, I’ve made up my mind. I’m not moving to the other side of the planet. I’m just moving a little bit further away than we’re both used to. We’ll still see each other.”
My father, miffed by my implacable decision, rushed to remind me “That’s what you said when you were in New York.”
My heart felt the pull those memories threatened to unwind. No. Real feelings were bad.
I smiled, big and bright.
“This is going to be different. I promise.”
I meant every word.
I spent a couple more days at my parents, soothing my dad and spending some quiet time with my wise mother after her shift at the hospital.
Sitting cross-legged on her bed, I asked, “Mom, how did you know Daddy was the one?”
“Why? Have you met someone?” she asked sharply while pushing up on her elbows.
Back it up! Don’t let on that this is anything but casual small-talk.
“No. I don’t think so.”
“Hmm. That sounds like a story you’re not telling me.” My mother’s blue gaze slid over me in that particular way all mothers had in making you feel like they already knew your secrets.
Guileless, I tilted my head to the side and blinked.
“Fine. I won’t pry.” My mom laid back on the bed to, as she put it, rest her feet. “How did I know Daddy was the one? I just did. I don’t know how to explain it better than that. He wasn’t the type of man I ever pictured myself dating much less marrying. He was so shy, you know? So into studying. He said he didn’t want the distractions of dating but I always knew it was something more.”
Her soft smile told me she was remembering sweet things of a time long before I existed.
“But?”
She followed my prompt with another smile. “But I just knew. I saw forever whenever I thought of him. Logic didn’t play into it. Of course, Daddy didn’t think I was serious. He assumed I wanted to play with him. You know how kids can be cruel—he assumed I was the same.”
“But you weren’t.”
Another gentle smile. “No. Richard was special. I wanted to protect him from everything, but more importantly, I wanted to help him see the beauty in the world. That people could be kind. That he could trust me with everything. That I really, truly loved him with everything in my heart.
“No matter how much he pushed me away, I’d just keep coming back. Sometimes, I think I just wore him down but I know the truth. I’d earned his trust.”
“And then you lived happily-ever-after.”
My mom stretched her arms over her head.
“It wasn’t a fairy tale. There were tough times and worse times than that, but we made it through it.”
I couldn’t fathom it. My memories growing up were peaceful and happy. My parents were happy. That was all that mattered to me.
“I’m so glad you did. I’m happy we’re a family.”
I admitted to myself, there in the safety of my parents’ bedroom, that I had indeed believed I had forever with Damian. Even after all the shit he pulled. Deep in the recesses of my heart, I had let myself think of marriage and babies. I saw him as my forever-family.
How could I be so wrong about him? How will I trust myself again?
That was just one of the things that hurt so damned much. Lying in his arms, feeling his heart against mine, I knew Damian loved me again. It was in his touch and on my lips.
But I was wrong about everything.
Jesus, I was about to choke up. Would these tears ever stop trying to ambush me?
“Now what brought this on, Daughter-Dear?”
I flipped onto my belly, kicking my feet in the air, and hiding my face. The rogue tears rolled down to wet the bedspread beneath me.
“Nothing big. I just wanted to know in case I ever found myself in love.”
Again.
42
Life in Denver was different. Even if on the surface it looked the same to my pre-Damian life.
For starters, I had plenty of money. At least technically I did.
I’d told Damian to go to hell, but he still transferred a ridiculous amount of money into my account.
A million dollars’ worth of ridiculousness.
I entertained the idea of withdrawing every dirty dollar, putting it in a wheelbarrow, and setting it on fire. While also making sure I recorded it and sent the video to him with a message of “Suck it, bitch!”
The fantasy was nice enough to tempt me but I wasn’t completely stupid. I didn’t trust Damian wouldn’t turn around and try to take it back, knowing damn well it was gone. No way was I going to be on the hook for that kind of cash.
Besides, indulging in sweet revenge would make Damian believe he dominated my thoughts.
Never mind the fact it was true. I didn’t want to give him the actual proof.
I ended up transferring the money into four separate accounts to get FDIC protection. Maybe I had earned that money but I didn’t earn it on my back. I wasn’t going to touch any of it. Eventually in a year or two, I’d send it to him via a cashier’s check.
But not yet.
Not when there was a chance he’d think I was using it as an excuse to talk to him.
Fuck that noise.
I didn’t need anything of Damian’s. I didn’t need his money and I didn’t need the prestige of working for him. I refused to put Bridgewater National on my resume.
It wasn’t real anyways. I never filled out any paperwork. His father set me up with a badge and took care of inserting my digital file in the system as if I’d been there all along.
The staff didn’t know any differently because Damian had been gone doing his yearly investigations when we met. They just assumed I’d been hired during that time.
It was easy to officially erase my tenure there.
Thankfully, I had money of my own saved up, the result of a forward-thinking mother who believed the best freedom a girl could have was guarding her own financial independence.
I’d be okay for at least six more months before I’d need to switch to a ramen diet.
However, I got a job almost immediately. When asked about my employment gap, I leaned back and explained with a breezy smile, “A sabbatical. I needed to clear my head and so I did.”
Of course, I wouldn’t tell them why. I wasn’t asked.
And so began my new life in Denver.
I got a swanky little apartment in a nice high-rise. My parents came to visit almost immediately, clearly not wanting to suffer a repeat of New York. We did the tourist thing, visiting the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, the Denver Art Museum, and the Denver Zoo within three days.
My mom helped me pick out new bedding and linens, along with various pretty things like throw pillows and candles. I had all those things, and more, in storage but I didn’t want any of it.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to take sleeping on the same sheets Damian and I slept on together. Or using the same towels. Or eating off the same plates.
When my parents left it would’ve been easy for me to hide behind my walls. I refused to let that happen. I’d had a life before Damian. I’d have one again.
I met people through work and the gym. I let the skin of my old existence fall off. I became someone new.
A different wardrobe to fit the town. More boots, layered clothing was a big thing because of the weather, and hats.
I stopped wearing black. Burgundy was out as well as red. Gray too.
I almost cut off my hair, thinking a sleek bob would suit me. But I didn’t do it. I liked my hair. Why should I have to cut it off just because some bastard couldn’t appreciate the body that came with it?
Purging Damian and the physical things that reminded me of him was a challenge, but it was one I was determined to overcome.
Clearly, it was safe to say I hated Damian.
No, I didn’t just hate Damian. I hated anything that reminded me of him.
I hated tall men.
I hated men with dark hair.
I hated men with gray eyes.
I hated men with amber eyes.
I hated men who didn’t have both.
I hated men who wore glasses at night.
I hated men who didn’t wear glasses at night.
I hated men who wore suits.
I hated men who spoke softly.
I hated men who didn’t.
And I hated the fact that I hated so much.
All that hate couldn’t be healthy. I needed distractions, something to show I wasn’t wasting away just because Damian didn’t love me anymore.
I knew I wasn’t ready to start dating, but I didn’t want to stay holed up in my apartment either.
So I did what young women my age do. I went out.
I drank, danced, and flirted. I laughed and pretended that the more I laughed, the happier I actually did feel.
I didn’t let myself think about how it was a lie.
I went to work, kicked ass, worked out, and then went home and changed my clothes in order to stay out until 2 o’clock in the morning. Anything was better than sitting at home and thinking about all that I had lost.
That didn’t help me some nights.
Some Saturdays I came home and drank until the room spun, cursing Damian for my behavior. I’d wake up on the floor, stiff and ashamed.
No man is worth this. He probably doesn’t think of you. He moved on with Gretchen. He’s with her now. He probably lied about breaking up with her just to get in your panties. And being a dumb ass, you threw them off with no hesitation.
Hugging the toilet, I told myself I didn’t want to be this way. The thoughts of him were enough to drive me to drink, weep, or rage. I’d carefully set my life up as I’d never loved and lost Damian for a reason. Backsliding would undo all my work.
So I had to pretend he didn’t exist.
The best way for me to do that was at work.
There I was already proving myself to be a rising star. No lead was beneath me. I pounded the pavement and hustled, working as if my life depended on it.
I got along with just about everyone there, but behind my smiles I kept my armor on. Especially when it came to men. With them, I was all business and no play. I didn’t indulge in flirtation of the smallest sort.
So very different than how I was before Damian.
Truthfully, I didn’t care if I never looked at another man or had one look at me again. The pain of falling in love and losing was too great.
I realized then I was staring at the proverbial fork in the road.
I could go down one path and open my heart again, find a man worthy of my love and respect, and build a beautiful life together.
Or I could go down the other road.
I could close my heart off, never trust another man as long as I lived, and build a life according to what I wanted.
I took the road that kept me safe.
So, of course, that was when the owner’s nephew decided to take a liking to me.
The injustice didn’t escape me.
Before Damian I would’ve been giddy that such an attractive man with great prospects was interested in me. Granted, he wasn’t tall nor did he have that madly attractive and brilliant quality of high intelligence, but Steve Holland was still a great looking man.
He was also the opposite of Damian in every way.
Blonde, brown eyed, average height, slim build, and gregarious with a drop-dead gorgeous smile on his face no matter what.
He was nice.
Not boring. Just nice.
The type who brought lunch to the receptionist because she was slammed. Someone who didn’t steal leads just because the owner still called him “Stevie” and thought he hung the moon. The kind of guy the fellas respected and the ladies swooned over.
As if that wasn’t enough, Steve was also a shark when it came to business.
He knew exactly how to close a deal even when it seemed in jeopardy. An hour or two later and he’d walk out with the papers signed, the client happy, and the company sitting pretty.
I judged him to be the type of man any woman would be proud to land, especially if his insides matched his outsides.
Too bad I wanted nothing to do with him romantically.
My disinterest in Steve only inflamed his hunter instinct. Maybe he thought I was being coy with him, trying to play mind games to make him pant after me.
I wasn’t.
I just wasn’t interested. I refused to take the chance of falling for somebody else.
And the worst of it was I already knew this man wasn’t the one who could displace Damian from my heart, soul, and being.
I doubted I’d find the one in this lifetime.
So yes, I hated Damian Black-Price for many, many things.
Most of all, I hated him for robbing me of a future.
43
“Come on, Risa. I’m just asking for dinner. I’m not asking you to marry me.”
That was absolutely the wrong thing to say to me.
I’d seen Steve’s easy smile make plenty of hearts flutter. Unfortunately, at least for him, it only gave birth in my heart the urge to rearrange his face.
But I couldn’t let that kind of anger show. It didn’t fit with who I was now.
I was just a laid back girl, one who was always up for a great time. I played hard. I worked hard.
Rinse. Cycle. Repeat.
“Steve, you know what they say. Never mix business with pleasure.”
“Who says? I say we make our own rules.”
“Hmm. Is that why Stacey doesn’t work here anymore?”
“You’ve been checking up on me. Good. That tells me I have a chance.”
“Not exactly.”
“Look, I don’t know how wrong the gossip is but Stacey and I dated for two years. She worked here another year before getting a great offer in Vegas. There’s no hard feelings between us. Honest. We’re even Facebook friends.”
“Oh? Facebook friends? Well, why didn’t you say that from the beginning?”
Seriously, this guy was a major flirt who knew how to work it. His clients adored him because he knew how to make each one of them feel special. The women in the office liked Steve too because of the same reason.
More than one gal pulled me to the side and practically threatened to beat me with a tire iron if I did anything to hurt him. Which annoyed me to no end because that meant practically everyone in the office knew of his interest.
I really didn’t need the aggravation.
“Risa, what will it take to get you to say yes? What if I get the first cold call of the day to schedule? Will you grant me the prize of dinner? Any place in the city you want.”
Jesus. This kind of outward emotion really turned me off. I liked a bit of mystery and aloofness. Where was Steve’s dignity? At this rate, I expected him to beg and grovel.
All right. Time to try a different tact.
“Yeah? What if I agree and we really hit it off?”
“That’s even better.”
He grinned, confident he had me in the bag. Fucking dimples spoiled him into thinking every girl would eat out of his hand once he flashed them.
No dice.
“But what happens if I decide that you are the one, Steve? What if I have a stack of wedding magazines hidden in my closet as we speak? What if I’ve already planned my dream wedding and only need you to fill the groom’s spot?”
Let that little bit of crazy be a war
ning. If the man was smart he’d back out of my office really, really slow.
Instead, Steve leaned forward, mischief bright in his eyes.
“Funny. I’d say that it would match the stack of magazines I have in my closet.”
“Yeah, but nudie magazines pilfered from your dad don’t count.”
He laughed, completely unoffended. “Nah, I got those from Gramps. Vintage. Risa, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you were trying to warn me away from you.”
I just smiled.
Steve got up and walked over to my side of the desk. Leaning down, he said, “I’m afraid you’re not going to be able to blow me off, Risa. In fact, I think you’re going to be my new best friend.”
Great. Steve clearly craved the thrill of running his prey down. It wasn’t just about sleeping with me, if it was even about that at all.
I knew his type. It was about winning me over. Proving he could sell himself to me only because I was saying no. There was nothing serious beyond the initial victory of getting me to say yes. That was the payoff.
And there was nothing about Steve I couldn’t handle.
In a different lifetime, I probably would’ve had just as much fun with him as he was determined to have with me.
But I wasn’t that girl anymore.
I didn’t want to be bothered with dating, falling in love, or just plain having casual sex.
I needed to heal and that wouldn’t happen with this guy buzzing around, annoying me with his pushiness.
Doesn’t he know I can sue his ass for sexual harassment? I bet his uncle wouldn’t like seeing what Stevie is up to with the new hire.
“I can’t say that I see that, Steve. But I can tell you what I do see. I see you and me remaining coworkers. That’s all.”
“We’ll see.” Steve sauntered out of my office, whistling all the while.
Goddamned sales people!
Never able to take no for an answer.
44
DAMIAN
If only I had waited things out.
Three weeks after I let Risa walk away from me, the Konstantinov business—at least in regards to me—was over.
Elaine and Thomas’s visit lasted five minutes.
