Back on the Map

by Lisa Ann Scott

“Yes, dear?”

  The words were frozen on my tongue. “I … I have to use the bathroom.”

  “Go right ahead.”

  Bolting from my chair, I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. I leaned up against the door and slid down to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees. This was ridiculous. I had a family tree full of people to draw inspiration from. All those people who had done incredible things, and I couldn’t say a few measly words? Ask for what I wanted more than anything? Some of those people on my tree suffered and fought and worked so hard for what they wanted, and all I had to do was walk down the hall, look Mrs. Carlson in the eye, and share the truth singing in my heart: I wanted us to be a family.

  I rested my chin on my knees and noticed my bare feet. Seemed wrong to be asking such an important question in bare feet, so I went to my room and put on socks. But wearing just socks didn’t seem right either, so I slipped on some shoes, which seemed very strange with my nightgown. So I took that off and put on a fresh pair of pants and my favorite shirt. I couldn’t look like a ragamuffin while asking to be part of someone’s family.

  I wrung my hands. This was going against everything Mama had told me.

  Hands shaking, I pulled her letter out of my nightstand and read it over again. My heart slowed a bit, reading over her words. They calmed me. But I paused as I got to the end:

  I left my mama in charge of you two for now. My family promised to always take care of you both when I’m gone, so you won’t have to go into the system.

  I folded her letter up again. Mama said her family would take care of us to keep us from going into the system. But they broke that promise; they weren’t taking care of us. She probably never imagined that would happen. So what was I supposed to do?

  I’m breaking one of your rules Mama, but I have to. If I’m going to look out for Parker and keep us together forever, I have to.

  Slowly, I opened the bedroom door. I stood in the hall for a minute. Then I walked toward the kitchen with feet made of cement, until I was standing in front of Mrs. Carlson. I stood there so long, she finally asked me, “Is everything all right?”

  Parker blinked at me and stopped chewing.

  It was now or never. I took a deep breath, and without thinking too much about the right words to use, I said, “Mrs. Carlson, I think you and Mr. Carlson and me and Parker would make a great family. A forever family. Can we all be a family?”

  Parker dropped his fork. Mrs. Carlson stood holding her spatula in the air.

  Then she turned around, slid a piece of French toast out of the pan, and turned off the stove. “What do you mean, Penny?”

  I swallowed hard. “I think we’d all be happy living together. As a family. We want you to be our mom and dad.”

  She folded her hands in front of her and looked at the floor. “Penny, we tried bringing in a child once before, and it just didn’t work.”

  What a wallop to my belly. I closed my eyes, hoping tears wouldn’t slip out. My heart was out of the box, torn wide open, beating and thumping with hope, and Mrs. Carlson didn’t want it.

  I could see my family again behind my closed eyes. “No, no, no. Don’t give up!” Ida B. Wells said, shaking her finger at me. “Tell her what we all know. You’re wonderful. Any family would be lucky to have you.”

  “Tell her,” Sacagawea said, with a knowing smile that calmed my nerves some.

  I opened my eyes, squared my shoulders, and looked right into Mrs. Carlson’s soft, brown eyes. “Mr. Carlson told us about that. That you think you couldn’t take in any kids again. But Parker and I are different. We won’t cause any trouble. We’ve been doing everything at Grauntie’s, and we can help here, too. I’ll make you tons of tin can critters for free. Honest. We’ll help at the diner, too. Whatever you need, we’ll do it.”

  Tears rolled down Mrs. Carlson’s face. “I know you kids would be good. But adding new children to the family feels like we’re trying to replace Mary, and that’s just not right. It’s not fair to her. I fear it would leave me with such sadness. And that wouldn’t be good for you two, either.”

  My shoulders slumped. I didn’t know how to answer that. I closed my eyes again.

  I could see Daniel Boone in my mind now. “Don’t give up now, Penny,” he said. “You know why the Carlsons would be happy with you. Tell her.”

  While Mrs. Carlson did leave the diner that one time we came in, her mood almost always brightened when we were around her. We didn’t always make her sad. I tipped up my chin. I had to explain this to her, even if she thought I was crazy. “When me and Parker come to see you and Mr. Carlson, the two of you blaze full color.”

  She blinked at me a few times. “I’m sorry, dear, I don’t understand.”

  I sighed. “Now, this is going to sound weird, but I see people in shades. When they’re happy, when their energy is strong, they’re in full color. It changes all the time. Lots of folks around here mope around in black and white. You and Mr. Carlson are always right in the middle—until Parker and I show up. You turn full color when we’re around. So you might think we make you sad, but we don’t. We make you happy. I see it. And I imagine you probably feel it.”

  Mrs. Carlson looked at me with misty eyes and nodded. “I do.”

  “It happened at the Finest, too. You swore you’d never step foot there, but when you did, your color bloomed. You came to love working at the Finest. It’s not such a sorrowful place for you anymore. And I think it would be the same if you kept me and Parker. The sad past would get dimmer and dimmer, because we have a big bright future to look forward to—together.”

  Mrs. Carlson was weeping, but it didn’t seem like a sad cry. I wasn’t quite sure what to do.

  Mr. Carlson came in the front door with a newspaper tucked under his arm. He looked around at us, and his smile faded. He set down the paper. “Now, what is going on in here?”

  Mrs. Carlson swiped the back of her hand across her face to catch her tears. “Oh, I just don’t know.”

  I cleared my throat and braced for him to holler at me. “I told Mrs. Carlson that the four of us would make a fine family. We don’t want to leave New Hope. Parker and I want to stay with you.”

  Mr. Carlson’s eyes got wide and he puffed out his cheeks. “I thought I explained things to you kids.”

  “I know. But I don’t think you know how much we’d really love to be with you. Forever. I know it’s bad manners to ask. And for a long time I thought I shouldn’t ask for anything. But someone in my family recently told me you have to ask for what you want. The world doesn’t change unless you do something about it. I guess I’m realizing now that it’s in my blood—asking for what I want. For what I need: a family. A real one.”

  Mr. Carlson glanced at his wife. His eyes looked small and sad. “Penny …”

  Mrs. Carlson’s shoulders were bobbing as she sniffled and sobbed. She ran toward me and pulled me into her arms. “Oh, you’re right. Of course you’re right. We would make a perfect family.” She squeezed me tight. “I’ve thought about it many times, but I’ve been scared.”

  My mouth dropped open but I didn’t know what to say. Parker, either. His eyes were wide as he sat frozen, watching us.

  Mrs. Carlson stepped back and beamed at me. She was blazing in the deepest colors I’d ever seen. “Mr. Carlson and I spend so much time talking about the two of you anyway, it wouldn’t be that different to have you here with us. Isn’t that right?”

  Mr. Carlson looked Mrs. Carlson in the eyes and slowly nodded. “I’ve always wanted to hear the laughter of kids in our house again. I can’t think of two finer children to call our own.”

  Mrs. Carlson smiled. Really smiled, so that she glowed like I’d never seen. The corners of her mouth reached up to the sky.

  Mr. Carlson looked at her and set his hand over his heart. He gathered her into his arms. “There’s that smile I’ve been missing.”

  Parker popped up from his seat and ran over to hug Mr. Carlson. Mrs. Carlson wrap
ped an arm around me, and I fell into that hug. I let it swallow me whole and coil up inside me. It was the best hug of my life.

  After breakfast, Mrs. Carlson got on the phone with the social services lady to get things in order so we could stay here—for good.

  I never knew my heart could feel quite as big as it did at that moment. Probably the way a balloon feels right before it bursts.

  I spent the day unpacking my clothes and putting them away in the pretty white dresser in my room.

  “This was Mary’s room.” I looked up, and Mrs. Carlson was standing in the doorway.

  “It’s nice. Real nice. Does it bother you that I’m in here?”

  She tilted her head and paused. “No. It’s wonderful to see it being used again. I’m glad it’ll be home to such a deserving girl. I’ll make us some lunch. Be ready in a bit.” She smiled and left me sitting there repeating her words in my head.

  “Such a deserving girl,” she’d said. But was I? Mrs. Carlson didn’t know everything about me. She didn’t know everything about my family.

  My daddy had killed her daughter.

  CHAPTER 29

  I went to bed happy, but I still couldn’t sleep. Niggling thoughts kept chipping away at the good feelings. Mrs. Carlson’s words played over in my head, again and again. Such a deserving girl. I must’ve shifted positions dozens of times. What if things didn’t work out with the Carlsons? What if we were too much for them, too? What if she found out about Wren and decided she couldn’t keep us? I’d rather never stay here at all if it was going to lead to that. If I got all cozy and settled living here and then was sent away, my heart would crumble into a million pieces.

  I flicked on the light and pulled out my family tree. Oh, how I wanted to add the Carlsons to it, right on top. Before I could do that, though, I had to tell Mrs. Carlson everything. And I was pretty sure what she was going to say: “We can’t keep you.”

  My heart was in my throat just thinking about it. So I grabbed the garbage bag from my trash can and repacked my things. It would be easiest to just scoot right out of the house once she broke the bad news.

  I was startled by a rap on my door.

  It was Mrs. Carlson. “Penny, can I come in?”

  “Okay.” I slid the garbage bag onto the floor.

  She stepped in the room. “What’s got you up so late?”

  I noticed my family tree on the bed. “Just thinking.”

  “There is a lot to think about, isn’t there? We’re building a new family here. I suppose we’ll all have a bit of the jitters as we get to know each other.” She noticed my bag on the floor. Her face fell. “Are those your things? Have you changed your mind?”

  I swallowed hard and shook my head. “No, but I think you might when you hear what I have to tell you.”

  “I doubt that, but go ahead. It will feel better to get it out.” She sat on the bed next to me.

  “There’s quite a few things, actually. What if you don’t like us when you get to know us better?”

  She chuckled softly. “Penny, I know the two of you very well by now. I meant once we get to know each other’s habits and quirks.”

  “We have some odd quirks. I’m afraid we might become too much for you. We usually do.”

  “Go on.”

  “For starters, Parker has issues. He can smell things other people can’t. Sometimes they set him off into a fit. He can’t stand bright lights. He needs to be hugged—a lot.”

  “That doesn’t sound so bad,” she said. “I can see what we can do to help him.”

  “I’ve got lots of problems, too. And not just seeing people in shades. I’ve got crooked teeth, and a short temper when people are mean to Parker. And I’m covered in these awful freckles.”

  “Those aren’t awful at all,” Mrs. Carlson exclaimed. “They’re wonderful. Don’t you know what those are?”

  “Besides a nuisance?” I shook my head.

  “When God sent you down here to this earth, he must’ve been so pleased with you that he sprinkled you with confetti. Lots of it.” She touched the tip of my nose. “Freckles are just God’s confetti. And I happen to like them. Especially yours.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “I like that idea.” God’s confetti. “But here’s a really bad thing. You should know I didn’t work so hard to reopen New Hope’s Finest as a kindness for the community.”

  “Oh? Why’d you do it, then?”

  “For me and Parker. It’s hard to explain, but I just knew if I could get New Hope back on the map, Parker and I could stay here. I was doing it for us, but letting everyone think it was for the town. And in the end, we didn’t even get put back on the map.”

  She was quiet for a moment, staring at me. She looked so sad.

  I gulped, waiting for the bad news. She didn’t want us. I wasn’t deserving after all.

  She reached for my hand. “Whatever the reason, you did it. And that’s amazing. Doesn’t matter why. It may have been a way for you to stay here, but in the end it was a kindness for the community. Everyone found their own personal motivation for working at the Finest. For bringing hope and joy back into their life, trying to put the past behind us.”

  I smiled. I already felt a whole lot lighter, but then that worried feeling returned. I wasn’t done telling her everything. “There’s more, though. The other day …” I gulped. I closed my eyes and blurted out my secret as quickly as I could. “The people on my family tree came to life and were talking to me, even in this very room. People who are dead.” Maybe this would be too much for her, and then I wouldn’t even have to tell her the awful truth about Wren. I hung my head. “I’m pretty sure I’m different enough that I would’ve ended up in the orphanage if it were still open.”

  Mrs. Carlson held out her hand. “Let me see your family tree.”

  I handed it to her. “When I was in the basement, they showed up and told me I couldn’t stay there.” I bit my lip and looked down at the floor. “They were in this room last night, talking to me. I might be crazy.”

  She smiled as she looked my tree over. “I am certain you are not crazy, Penny. And maybe you did see these people. Maybe they’re so alive in your mind that they’re with you all the time. I think that’s wonderful.”

  “I don’t even know who I am, Mrs. Carlson. I don’t know much about my daddy, besides his name. I might be black, I could be Mexican, or Cuban. Maybe American Indian. Doesn’t that bother you? That I don’t know?”

  “Why would it? Besides, I know who you are, Penny.”

  “You do? How?”

  “I know you by the things you do. You’re a leader. You’re creative. And you’re so, so brave, telling me all these things. And it just makes me more sure than ever that bringing you and Parker into our family is exactly what we want to do.”

  She was making this so hard to tell her the worst truth: the truth about Wren. I called up every bit of bravery I had to get the next words out. There was no way she’d want us after hearing this, but it wasn’t fair to keep it a secret. And it would eat away at me every day if she didn’t know. I could barely make my voice rise above a whisper. “And there’s one very, very bad thing you need to know. And I understand that, when you find out, you probably won’t want to keep us. But it’s only fair to tell you.”

  She squared her shoulders. “Okay. I’m ready for whatever it is.”

  “I just recently figured out who my daddy was: Wren. A boy from the orphanage my mama met that summer. But that wasn’t his real name. His real name was …” I sucked in a deep breath. “Michael Hope. The man who killed your daughter.” Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I looked up into her eyes. I had to see the truth about how she felt.

  Her eyes weren’t hard and angry. And they weren’t surprised, either. They were soft and sad. “I recently figured out that Michael was your father,” she said. “Your freckles. When you mentioned your mama stayed here that summer. Long ago, Joe tried to explain to me why Michael drove off that day. That he was upset about
a girl. But I never knew who that girl was.”

  My eyebrows shot up. “And you don’t hate me because of it?”

  “Of course not. And I didn’t hate him, either.”

  “Really? Why not?”

  “Because it was an accident. He was going too fast, and Mary wasn’t paying attention. She was waving to a friend across the street. She actually rode right into his path.”

  “So he wasn’t a totally horrible person?” I asked.

  She rubbed my back. “Of course not. One mistake doesn’t define a person. It’s all the things they do. And there will always be some good and some bad. Unfortunately, he couldn’t see that, and he left. And he paid the ultimate price.”

  I nodded. “He died.”

  “That’s true. But I meant that he paid the ultimate price because he never got to meet you two.”

  My heart felt like someone was squeezing it. There was hurt and hope and truth all swirled inside it. She was right. We missed out on having a daddy, but he missed out on having us.

  She held open her arms. “Come here. I promise you, there is nothing you or Parker could ever do or say that would make me stop loving you.”

  My throat was so tight I couldn’t say a word. I was worried my heart might burst. I blinked at her through my tears and crawled into her hug, wrapping my arms around her neck and resting my head on her shoulder while she rocked back and forth. “Can I put you on my family tree?” I asked.

  She kissed the top of my head. “Of course you can. I’d be honored to be nestled in among all those fine folks who helped you become the lovely girl you are.”

  I sighed, like every last bit of sadness had finally left me. “You and Mr. Carlson are going right on the top.” I was still hugging her. This time, I was going to wait for her to let go.

  CHAPTER 30

  Mrs. Carlson must have been the one to eventually let go, but I didn’t know it until the next morning when I woke up and found myself all tucked in. I finished unpacking my things, for good this time, and noticed the tube with the map in it leaning up against the wall. I sighed. I had been so sure that fixing up the Finest would get us back on the map. I’d felt it in my bones. How had I been so wrong?