by Silla Webb
“Damn straight you shouldn’t have.” I cut him off, snappin’ at him angrily. I didn’t expect my tone to be so raw and harsh but my mind is wrecked with emotions right now. Can’t exactly turn it all off.
“I’m sorry. Carly Jo worries herself sick about Savannah. I know you try to do what you can to help, even when it ain’t your place. She’s vulnerable right now and I don’t want to see her get hurt worse.”
“Do you think I don’t understand that, Colton?” He cocks his brow up at me and I can’t tell if he’s gettin’ more pissed at the situation or interested in what I have to say. Don’t matter much, because he’s had his chance to say his peace. Now he needs to zip the lips, open his damn ears and hear me out. “Other than the nights we have supper together, how much time do you and Carly Jo spend with Savannah? How often does Carly call her just to check in on her?”
“Luke, she don’t wanna smother Savannah.” He defends.
“I get that, but even when we’re all together y’all don’t give her any comfort other than tryin’ to lead her in the direction that y’all feel is best. I ain’t heard Carly ask her one time how she really feels. Have you?”
He closes his eyes in defeat and he shakes his head from side to side shamefully.
“I ain’t layin’ blame, Colton. I understand y’all got a lot goin’ on. But don’t you dare scrutinize my relationship with Savannah when you don’t even have the faintest damn clue as to what’s happenin’.”
“Then tell me, Luke. What’s goin’ on?”
Pinchin’ the bridge of my nose, I draw in a shaky breath and I know I have to choose my words carefully. “I’m over-protective of women, Weston. I can’t stand to see one feel any sort of angst, heart ache or physical pain. I tried to protect my momma as a boy, and I tried to take care of and protect Al…” I bite down on my tongue shakin’ that thought from my mind. “Point is, Savannah feels safe with me near. Ain’t no harm in bein’ her friend.”
“I saw the way you looked at her yesterday, Ashton. Are ya sure you ain’t feelin’ a little more than friendly ‘bout her?”
“That’s complicated.” Hell if it ain’t complicated. I’m getting too close…I can feel the attachment to Savannah growin’ stronger with each day and it’s beginnin’ to terrify me. This overwhelmin’ need to protect her, I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t continue to stalk out her porch swing night after night just because I’m worried she can’t sleep or may be frightened.
After Colton’s outburst last night I realize I can’t continue to just hang around. I’m worried I’ll get caught up in a moment and react. She’s a married woman legally and I’ll never compromise something as sacred as marriage even if her husband is a first class bastard.
“So what do you plan to do about it?” Colton asks curiously as he cocks up his brow, and the suspicious glare he shot at me last night returns full force.
“Right now I plan to put a little space between us so I can get my head on right. I gotta head outta town for a few days, so I need you to stay close to Savannah for me.”
Colton stifles back a laugh and looks at me pointedly. “You gotta be frickin’ kiddin’ me right? Where the hell you goin’?”
“I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t have to.” I dip my head into my chest shamefully.
“You can’t be her anchor only when it’s convenient for you, Luke. You’re not makin’ any damn sense. You said it yourself she’s fallin’ apart at the seams. Make me understand your logic.” Colton spits the words out of his mouth in a hushed tone, tryin’ his best to keep a grasp on his composure.
Son of a bitch, he’s one hard headed bastard! “I can’t be her damn anchor when I’m sinkin’ myself, Weston.” I bite out and my chest rattles in a dark rage. Slidin’ out of the booth, I stomp out of the dining area and down the hallway towards the office. I fall back into leather chair, extinguishing every breath of air from my body. My head falls to my hands and I fight to suppress the tears that well up in my eyes.
This is why I need to get away. Before Savannah, I could manage the frequent relapse of grief that would present itself anytime a faint memory would flash into mind. But since Savannah, the grief, guilt and anguish seem to follow me everywhere. While my family is nothing more than a memory, I can see Savannah as my future, and guilt grips me because I know I don’t deserve any of this life.
The office door creaks open then latches closed. I can sense Colton’s presence, but I don’t wanna look at the jackass anymore today. He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. He stands in one spot, looking around the small office observing his surroundings. When I hear metal sliding across the desk, I finally look up to watch him lift the picture frame into his hands. He studies it cautiously. Suddenly, he sits down in the chair adjacent to me as if his legs have defied his weight. He stares at the picture a minute longer before returning the frame to its home.
“I’m sorry, Luke. I-I had no idea. How long’s it been?” Colton stutters over his own words in disbelief.
My eyes drift closed on their own accord as I try to hide the rush of tears that surface, but it’s a useless attempt as they break free when I speak. “Two miserable years next week. Sawyer would have been five on his birthday.”
Colton’s speechless.
Pain in the rawest form ain’t easy for anyone to witness.
“So this is what Carly Jo meant when she said I sliced at healin’ wounds?” He questions and I can hear the guilt in his voice. It’s almost unnatural coming from Colton. I nod my head in response. “Luke, I’m truly sorry. I’ve lost before, but never a child. I can’t imagine where you find the strength to carry on.”
“I move on, sufferin’ in silence because that’s the debt I owe for not savin’ my family. It was my place to protect them, but I couldn’t even do that.” I mutter the words without realizin’ it and they don’t stop until I finish tellin’ Colton all about Alyson and Sawyer and the house fire that took their lives. I explain to him how it was my job, not only as husband and father to watch over my family. But as a firefighter I should have recognized the safety issue and fixed it immediately. That could have spared my family their sufferin’ and my own hell and torment.
I don’t shut up until I’ve explained the road I’ve been on for the last two years. Comin’ home to take care of my old man, buyin’ the diner just so I’d feel as if I served a purpose in this wretched life; I tell him everything. Lookin’ up at Colton I’m shocked when I search his face, expectin’ to find stark pity in his eyes only to be met with compassion. The last person I ever expected to understand my hell and not cast stones at me was Colton frickin’ Weston. But I guess we’ll both have to laugh over the shock value we’ve caused the other later on.
I scrub my face frantically, scratchin’ at the thick stubble that’s taken place on my once smooth face as I release a ragged breath. It don’t feel good – so to speak – openin’ up, but for some reason I feel calm. As if simple words released were washed away with the very same water that I’ve been drownin’ in.
“There are no words that will ever console you for losin’ a child, Luke. But I’m glad you confided in me. It tears at my heart that any man has lost such as you have, but I admire your courage to carry on. I don’t think I’d be strong enough to live another day.”
Colton doesn’t even try to argue that the fire wasn’t my fault, and I believe that’s because as a dad himself he can relate to the guilt that I feel. He understands the need to shield your family and the devastation I feel for failin’ them.
“It’s pure hell and the darkness that blankets me is too much to handle at times. I’ll never forgive myself for not savin’ them.” I rake my hand through my hair, tuggin’ at the short strands furiously.
This is why I need to clear my head. Condemnation plagues me for all the wrongs in my life can never be forgotten or forgiven. Each blink of the eye I’m filled with worry for Savannah and the twins, then guilt that I don’t deserve another family in my life when I co
uldn’t even protect my own wife and son. The realization hits me that I could have possibly prevented all of this had I listened to her requests. “She’s asked me once already to give her breathin’ room, but when I have that gut intuition that she needs me, I have to be there. But I’m only causin’ us both more grief by guardin’ her closely.”
“How long ya gonna be gone?” Colton questions.
“I don’t know. The hardest part will be fightin’ with myself not to leave, and rushin’ back when I worry ‘bout her. But right now, I know I’m not what she needs.”
“So what do I tell Carly and Savannah when they ask where you are?”
“You don’t tell ‘em a damn thing.”
The nightmare has been coming much more often, but then again it always does this time of year. Two years…my God, it’s been two years since I stood on the ash covered side walk and listened to their blood curdling cries fade into deafening silence. A deafening silence so strong and powerful that I reached my breaking point because it made their sorrowful deaths final in that moment. If only they’d let me crawl inside to save them, I’d never left their sides. I’d died right there with them in my arms. Time never heals a broken soul. Broken heart – possibly. But losin’ Alyson and Sawyer caused my heart to shatter so deep I was left empty.
I haven’t been to Alyson and Sawyer’s gravesite since their burials. As their bodies were lowered into the cold, hard earth I said my final goodbyes and walked away disgracefully. The affliction I’ve carried since their deaths has left a searing hole through my heart. I’ve never recovered from my loss and I’ll never forgive myself for not bein’ the hero my family so desperately needed me to be. But I realize the time has come to put the past behind me, and try to grasp onto the future I hope to have before it slips away.
I know when I fall back against the porch swing that it won’t take long for the deadbolt to unlock and the front door to slide open. Savannah yawns as she slides down on the swing beside of me, keepin’ a good foot of distance like she can sense the change of air between us.
“Hey. Was wonderin’ when you’d come around again. Just figured you’d found some other Damsel in distress to save.” She jokes bashfully.
My brow quirks up at her statement, but I don’t see any need to reply. “Didn’t mean to wake you. Couldn’t sleep, so I went for a drive.”
“Your drives always seem to bring you here.” She whispers, smilin’ to herself and she tugs the small throw blanket closer to her body.
“Does that bother ya?” The question falls from my lips quickly and as soon as the words are spoken I wish I could take them back. I don’t need to hear her response just in case it’s what I really want to hear. “Never mind, please don’t answer that.” I dismiss quickly.
I stare up at the night sky, exhalin’ a trembling breath and watch as the mist of air expels from my lips. I don’t look at Savannah, I can’t. My heart is so full of resentment, anger and heartache that I need to gain a clarity of the situation. I need to lay my ghosts to rest, which is the only reason I’m leavin’ tonight. I didn’t come to Savannah’s to say goodbye, because in time when my head is clear and I feel like she’s ready, I’ll come back for her. I just pray to God that she’ll forgive me for not explainin’ myself before leavin’.
“You’re quiet tonight. Are ya okay?” Her soft fingertips lightly graze my forearm and I inhale sharply at the feel of her skin touchin’ mine.
“Yeah, sweetheart.” I lie. I ain’t close to bein’ fine, but I refuse to be honest about how I’m feelin’ right now. Savannah has enough to deal with, fightin’ with Josh over the divorce, and battlin’ her own inner turmoil and demons. “How ya been today?”
“Eh, I’ve been better. My mind doesn’t seem to want to shut down. It’s been on auto-loop since yesterday, and all I see is years of an uphill battle that I’m not prepared for.” Her body shakes in distress, so she curls her small frame around my waist just as she does most nights. Exhalin’ roughly, she looks up at me behind soft doe eyes and asks, “Luke, when are the insecurities gonna pass? When will I ever feel as if I’m in control again?”
I wish I had a way of answering that, because I ask myself the very same questions each and every day. Savannah’s loss may not be comparable to mine, but she’s still suffered a heartache that’s consumin’ her to the core of her existence. She feels defenseless, which is the very reason I have to put some distance between us, giving her time to find her strength without depending on me. I can’t help but feel responsible for her co-dependency. After all, I have been stalkin’ out her porch for the last few months. I should have kept her at arms-length, only being the strength she needed when she asked for it. But I had to play the hero. I let that overwhelmin’ need to protect her strew me away from what was happening right before my eyes.
I let myself fall, while pickin’ her up.
I should have never let that happen.
I want to tell her that I’ll be her strength until she finds her own, but I won’t make promises I can’t keep.
When I don’t respond to her answer, she shrugs her shoulders as she continues her thoughts. “I’m just tired. I can’t sleep most nights. I’m scared all hours of the day. I just want my life back. But the sad reality of it all is I don’t remember a time in my life when I was content. I remember happy moments, but never a time where I felt completely free and content. I’ve been shattered for far too long.” She wipes her face with the sleeve of her arm.
This is what I love about her. She ain’t ashamed to bare her soul, puttin’ her heartache on full display for only me to see. She’s beautiful even when her eyes are puffy and tears stain her soft cheeks. She ain’t embarrassed of revealing the broken pieces that she tries so hard to hide. Part of me wants to believe that she has a weakness with me, but I can’t think like that. I just wish I could mend the seams of her broken heart, healing her of the hell she’s been dragged through.
“Savannah, you’re killin’ yourself with worry, sweetheart. You gotta crawl away from the darkness and put the past behind you. Promise me you’ll start sleepin’.”
She offers me a weak, crooked smile before relaxin’ into my chest, releasing a heavy sigh. “I’ll try.”
“And Josh? Are you plannin’ to visit him?”
She shrugs and her tears come relentlessly. “I don’t know what to do. I’m so terrified of him.”
“Sweetheart, he can’t hurt you any longer. I think you need to go see him, Sav. He ain’t expectin’ you to come, he’s only tryin’ to control you by evoking the fear he knows you’re consumed with.” I tilt her face towards mine and look deep into her green eyes. “Prove him wrong. Show him that strength he thinks he stripped from you. It’s there, Sav. I know you can feel it, because I can see it. You’re just too scared to realize it.” She stares up at me with humble, yet broken eyes and I can’t resist but to press a kiss to her forehead, savorin’ the feel of her skin against my lips.
“Maybe you’re right.” She whispers. Tightenin’ her arms around my waist, she buries her face in my chest and inhales deeply before blowing out a breathy sigh. “Thank you, Luke. You’re always here holdin’ my hand, just when I need you the most.”
This makes leavin’ even harder. I know the moment she wakes up tomorrow mornin’ and finds the swing empty, she’ll be disappointed and hurt. I hate the thought of adding to her pain, but it’s best for both of us. My mind can’t process any thoughts right now. Dealin’ with my feelings for Savannah while trying to suppress the hauntin’ memories of my past is enough to drive me insane. I’m torn. I know I shouldn’t leave her right now, not when she’s so lost within herself. But her life is too chaotic to add me into the mix of things. The only way she’s gonna find the strength to move forward is if she’s forced to stand on her own two feet.
I scrub my hand against my face roughly, trying to erase the frustration that I can feel pricklin’ around my eyes before Savannah notices the change in my mood.
“Do you n
eed to talk, Luke? You seem so far away.” She smiles weakly, restin’ her chin on my chest as she hugs her legs tighter to her body.
“I’m fine, sweetheart. Don’t worry ‘bout me.”
She shrugs, “I’m here if you need me.” She doesn’t understand the words she just spoke ain’t the words I’m hearin’. I hear a promise in her voice, even if she doesn’t intend it to be there. Maybe it’s just wishful thinkin’.
“You need to sleep, sweetheart.” She releases a defeated sigh softly and I wrap my arm around her tighter, just wantin’ to feel her body close to mine. “Remember what I said, Sav. Think about goin’ to see Josh. You can do it. I have my faith in ya.” A single tear rolls onto the back of my hand and I reach up erasin’ the sorrow from her face. She never speaks a word, just smiles weakly.
The weepin’ tears cease as moments pass and the peaceful sway of the swing rocks her to sleep in my arms. This is the battle. The internal war I’m wagin’ is fierce and I can’t find the strength to do what I intended when I showed up here. So I allow myself this time, a brief moment of enjoyin’ the cool, fall night air, the beauty of the twinkling stars in the sky, and the feel of the woman I’m so head over heels for in my arms. When the cool air nips at my skin, I pull Savannah in my arms and carry her inside to the couch. Pressin’ a single kiss to the top of her head, I inhale her sweet, intoxicating scent that I wish I could wrap myself in one last time.
Chapter Seven
My taut muscles scream in protest as I stretch my arms high above my head, arching my back like a cat. My Kindle slides off my chest, landing in the floor with a thud and I glance around the living room in a confused like state. I don’t remember falling asleep on the couch. Searching my memory, I pinch the bridge of my nose, shaking my head in an attempt to clear the foggy mess of thoughts. The memory of strong arms embracing me, the warmth of his breath as he breathed me in blankets over me. Luke. Pouncing up to my feet, I pad to the front door, twisting the bottom lock, and pull the door opened. The porch swing sits idle, barely swaying against the fall morning breeze.
