by Silla Webb
Braden unlatches his belt and wraps his arms around Brailee and me, shushing her as he pats her little shoulder. This is his moment of strength, something I’ve been praying for, but hadn’t expected to see just yet. My babies have endured too much pain in these last couple of months. I want nothing more than to shelter them from the heartache, filling them with happiness. But it all comes with time.
Brailee pulls from my hold and I brush away at the tear matted hair that’s sticking to her sweet face. Looking up at me with giant googly eyes I can see the brash of pain that swells with her tears. “I’m sorry, Momma. I just miss him.”
“I know you do, baby girl. I’m so sorry. Momma would do anything she could to take the hurt away.”
Climbing up in her seat, Brailee pulls her seatbelt over her lap and sucks back the last of her tears. “Let’s go, Momma. We’re late enough as it is. Scoot.” She says, shooing me away.
“Baby girl, are you sure you wanna go to school?”
“Daddy would tell me to go. Ain’t nothin’ I can do sittin’ at home bellyachin’ ‘bout missin’ him. So let’s go.” And her strength returns with a vengeance, almost as if it wasn’t lost at sea after all.
After dropping the twins off at school, I find myself wanderin’. I’m smotherin’ within the walls of my house. I don’t feel safe there now that I know Drew has been watching my every move. Countless nights I have felt as if a voyeur were stalking me as prey…turns out I was right. I can’t wrap my head around the deceitful game he and Josh toyed with me for years, all to gain Simon Energy.
Sliding into the cracked vinyl booth, I allow a sliver of hope to swell within me. Many times before while having lunch with Carly here at the Village Diner, Luke would make a subtle appearance – almost as if this was his second home. I know the chance encounter of him showing up today is slim, but a girl can hope.
But then I don’t even know what I’m hoping for.
To see Luke?
Then what?
To understand this uncontrollable need to be near him?
Yep, keep goin’, sweets.
To finally be honest with myself that there’s some strange gravitational pull to him, and I’m only fighting a losing battle by lying to myself, prolonging the inevitable.
Gettin’ warmer, Sav!
Sav. Luke calls me Sav. I miss him.
Fear rolls over me as I’m struck hard with realization. Gotta face the music sooner or later!
Pulling my phone from my purse, I scroll through my text messages before hovering my finger over my last message sent to Luke. Glancing over the eight short messages, I decide to send one final text. If he doesn’t reply to this then lying to myself will have been a good thing. Unsure of what I want to relay in the message, I figure simple honesty is the best route. I type a simple – I miss you, then press send.
I order breakfast, keeping a watchful eye on my phone for the blinking light to notify me of an incoming text. Each time the bell chimes on the diner door my head whips up searching for Luke, but each time I’m let down. Sav, you just gotta have faith – my conscience urges me, but I have no idea why I’m putting my faith in Luke.
Over the last couple of months Luke has just been there. Morning, noon and night, any time I needed comfort, and even times when I felt okay, he was always there. I welcomed Luke’s company because nobody else recognized the storm I was facing. A man has never cared about me so purely; it was a foreign feeling that I relished in.
I knew better.
I knew eventually I would start to depend on him, expecting more from him than he can give. Sadly, I don’t even understand what it is that I expect, but there’s something that I need and I feel like I may suffocate if I don’t get it soon.
By now, my eggs are cold and have grown less appetizing over time as I’ve sat here staring down into the plate mulling over my thoughts. Shooting Carly a text, I pay my check and head towards her house for some sisterly advice. I know, this is probably the worst place to get it, but who else do I have at the moment? Yep, not a damn soul.
Knocking on the front door softly, Carly yells through the house inviting me inside. So much for trying not to wake the baby. Then again, I’m sure in this house sleep is an elusive event for little Ryleigh. They all got some big mouths. I twist the door knob then enter, kicking my shoes off as I pad into the living room.
“Mornin’, Sis.” She says around a long yawn rubbing her eyes sleepily. She’s curled up in Colton’s recliner sweet little Ryleigh nestled in her lap, sleeping peacefully. She tilts her head to the side and glares at me curiously. Snickering she says, “You look like hell.”
I flop down in the corner of the couch, pulling my legs up to my chest, hugging my knees securely. Looking her up and down, I consider remarking on the sloppy pony and wrinkled up pajamas she’s sportin’ but hell, she wears motherhood well. “Feel like it too.” I groan, not so much as for show either because I’m genuinely exhausted.
“So what’s up, why ya lookin’ like you were just dragged outta the Dixie dumpster for?” Her shoulders shake as a smartass giggle falls off her lips. Yep, that’s my little sis. She’s fluent in Redneck, Bitch AND Sarcasm, y’all…ain’t I lucky.
“Just not sleeping well, got a lot on my mind these days.”
“Ah yeah? Tell me ‘bout it, Sis.” Carly says, mindlessly swaying Ryleigh back and forth.
“Oh you know, your everyday run of the mill case of psycho husband.” I shrug like this is random chit chat. Hell, anymore it really is. She chews on that thought for a moment then smiles wide just before she speaks, like her next statement is one of utter brilliance.
“My advice?” She passes me a sideways glance. Nodding my head she says, “Let it go.”
“Let it go?” I deadpan, my eyebrows scrunching up in confusion.
“Yep, just let it go.” Her smiles never waivers.
“Have you been watching Frozen again?” That’s the only explanation for her stupid comment. I swear these kids have embed that damn movie into our heads for nearly a year.
“Hey, sometimes you just gotta take the advice of a quirky little snowman.” Noticing that I find absolutely no humor in her advice, she rolls her eyes and huffs. “Listen, okay? Josh is old news, Savannah. You know he’s off his rocker. I told you, let Michele handle the divorce and do your best to put it all behind you.”
Oh as if it’s all that simple. Just because he’s behind bars miles away, I should erase him from thought, pretending that chapter of my life never happened? Holy hell, wouldn’t that be marvelous? Guess what? It don’t happen that easily. My eyes narrow and I bite my words out harshly. “You know, I could probably let it go if Josh was someone I could just forget. But he’s not, Carly. He’s my husband, the father of my children. He’s the man that I spent the last ten years of my life trying to make happy, trying to love. He’s the man who evoked so much fear and hatred in me. The memories, Carly, of what he did to me are not forgettable. I wish like hell they were!”
“That’s good, Savannah! You’re finally getting angry. You’re finally showing more emotion than wallowing in self-pity!” Oh damn, did she just go there? Yep, I think she did.
“Carly, I didn’t come here to be badgered. You can’t possibly understand how I feel. Colton loves you and would never do you harm. You don’t have to live in fear of the unknown.” I spit as the anger continues to bubble up from the pit of my belly.
Carly gives me a pointed look as she picks Ryleigh up and carries her to the nursery. When she returns she stops by the kitchen before returning to the living room with two Mason jars of sweet tea. Placing them on the coffee table, she climbs on the couch next to me, crossing her legs under her ass and folding her hands in her lap.
“I don’t understand.” She shrugs in agreement. “Josh is locked up. He can’t hurt you anymore. Why are you still so scared of him?”
“It’s not just him that I fear, Carly. You have someone to watch over you and your children each night. Do you realize t
hat I’ve only slept maybe four hours since Friday night, because every noise shocks terror through me? Luke’s gone. I haven’t heard from him in nearly a week. Now Drew thinks it’s funny to take his place on the swing, pretending to protect me having my best interest at heart. HA, like that bastard has a heart. Oh my gosh, bastard? How fitting.” I laugh, rolling my eyes at my insanity.
“Ooooo-kay. I think you need to reel it in just a smidge, take a big deep breath and try to sift through that shit again. What does Luke and Drew have to do with your porch? You ain’t makin’ a lick of sense.” Carly snaps back at me, then tries to stifle back her laughter when she says, “well, the bastard comment…that makes perfect sense.”
Raking my hands through my hair I grit my teeth together and growl in frustration. “Drew, Carly! He’s obviously been watching me for a while now. He knew that Luke would watch over me at night, randomly appearing on the porch swing. I guess he figured I’d be the easier target now that Luke’s gone and since you never gave two shits about his constant stunts for attention. He tried to play it off as his way of protecting his little sister, but his threat was blatantly obvious to me.”
“Woah, woah, what?” Carly shrieks, her eyes widening to the size of saucers. “Drew has been watching you?” I nod, confirming what I just said is indeed true. “Savannah, I need you to calm down and tell me what the hell happened. NOW!” She spits through gritted teeth, the apple of her cheeks flaming red with heat.
I shake my head to clear the cloud of thoughts before speaking. I’m sure I’ve confused Carly enough with my incessant rambling, but I’ve bottled up so much this last week it feels like the cork popped free and everything I’ve held inside has just burst free.
“I expected it to be Luke, but was surprised when I realized it was Drew. He warned me about visiting with Josh, said that he was dangerous. Drew said he was looking out for me and would see what James could do to expedite the divorce proceedings, but he continually urged me not to visit Josh.”
Carly pinches the bridge of her nose and I’m sure I’m wearing her down. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“Carly it was in the middle of the night. There wasn’t much you could do.” I shrug my shoulders.
“There is always something I can do, damn it!!! You and the kids need to stay here for a few nights, Savannah. What if he goes a step further, Sis?”
Shaking my head, “No, I won’t do that. The kids are having a hard enough time understanding all the changes that have taken place in our lives these last few months. I won’t pull them from their home just when their finally settling in.”
Rolling her eyes, Carly huffs resigning her argument in defeat.
“Drew always has an underhanded play. Don’t trust him, Savannah.”
“I know better than to trust him, Carly.” I roll my eyes exaggeratedly. “In fact, I’m going to do the exact opposite of what he advised.”
“Like hell you are! Are you insane?”
“A little, I do believe so.” I smile nervously, but there is a little truth in my response. I feel like somewhere along the way I’ve finally cracked, the seams of my flawed existence fraying uncontrollably. “But even Luke suggested it, Carly. I need to show Josh that after all the hell he’s put me through, I’m resilient. He needs to see that the control he once had over me has diminished.”
Chapter Nine
Facing the music is easier said than done. Every step I take each day requires more and more strength. When I returned to Lexington last week, I had planned to visit Alyson and Sawyer’s graves – memorializing’ my family for the first time since their deaths, but also taking that first step towards forgivin’ myself for not being their hero. I cowered. I continue to make an excuse for myself puttin’ it off further and further. I’ve admitted that I was at fault for this tragedy, but forgivin’ myself seems impossible. It’s unforgettable, so therefore in my mind – unforgiveable.
Momma was surprised, yet pleased when I appeared on her doorstep in the middle of the night unexpectedly. It’s been a few months since I saw her last so she’s enjoyed havin’ her boy home for the last few days. Work keeps her busy, but I know she’s lonely livin’ in a big city without many friends. She moved to Lexington after she left Dad so she could be close to my family, then after the fire I left her here to return to Williamstown. It wasn’t intentional, but I was literally suffocatin’ in Lexington. Too many constant reminders of what I’d lost. With the old man’s ailing health it only made sense that I move in with him to find myself or at least the part of me that I’d lost.
Each day as Momma readied herself for work she’d ask what my plans were for the day although my answer hasn’t changed all week: not much. She’d smile, payin’ no mind to me and head out the door. At dinner she’d make idle conversation asking about the diner, how my friends were doin’,anything she could think of to dance her way around what she really wanted to ask – why I was really here. I’d change the subject from me to her, anything to get her mind away from mine. I could tell she was carryin’ a heavy weight of worry for me, but she knows I’m the strong silent type who does better at workin’ my emotions out all on my own.
Today she began to grow antsy, filled with worry. She knew I was torn she just didn’t know why. Mommas have that greater intuition; they know when their children are battlin’ somethin’ greater than the strength they have to defend themselves with. No sooner than she set the food on the table and I planted my ass in the chair she started in, not letting up until I told her what I was strugglin’ with.
It wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but I gave her every thought that crossed my mind without hindrance. I didn’t realize just how heavy my heart was until I spoke the words. I’ve carried the pain for so long, wearing it as a second skin, that unleashing it all somehow gives me lucidity over the situation.
“Luke, you weren’t given an easy life to live by any means. But battling the hand you were dealt is what gave you the strength to persevere. After Alyson and Sawyer passed away, I was so worried that you’d let yourself slip into a nasty addiction, ya know – drinkin’ ya life away like your daddy has.” She clasps her small hand over mine, squeezin’ gently as she gathers the words. “But baby, what you’re doin’ is none too healthy either. You’re drownin’ in your own sorrows. You can’t change the past, so stop lookin’ over your shoulder at it constantly. It’s okay to move on, Luke. Alyson would want you to be happy.”
“Momma, I ain’t tryin’ to live in the past, but tryin’ to keep the past alive in me. I feel guilty for wantin’ something I know I don’t deserve. I feel like I’m dishonorin’ my love for Alyson and Sawyer by movin’ forward.” I whisper, hangin’ my head in shame.
“Ya know, Savannah sounds like a charmin’ young lady. I know she has something special about her or your eyes wouldn’t twinkle when you talk about her.”
“Momma.” I warn, beggin’ her to drop it. I know what I want, I know what I need. But I know it’s well out of reach.
“Son, you listen to ya momma. Good things come to those who wait. I understand Savannah’s situation, but I also understand yours. You need to figure out if what you’re feelin’ is real, or if it’s empathy for her plight.”
“Is that what it sounds like? That I’m feelin’ things outta empathy?”
“No, baby. It sounds like you’ve fallen for a woman you saw was hurtin’ and now you’re runnin’ scared, high on fear. Don’t do that, Luke. Be her hero.”
I know she’s right, but her advice is hard to swallow. Although I physically ain’t done much of nothin’ this last week, mentally all gears have been churnin’ at Mach speed. I guess I had it all figured out already, but sometimes you need someone else to put everything into perspective.
I miss Savannah and I’ve been worried sick ‘bout her all week. I’m sure she’s pissed as hell at me for not tellin’ her where I was goin’. If I’d told her, then I’d have had to tell her about my family and I’m not ready for that. I want Savannah to cont
inue to look at me genuinely as she always has. Once she knows about my past, she’ll no longer see me as the same man that she sees now: the hero who saved her life, her protector. She’ll see me as the negligent failure who couldn’t protect his own wife and child.
Climbing out of the truck I slowly walk down the small cobblestone path. Rows and rows of perfectly lined headstones decorated with ornate ceramics, elaborate floral arrangements and balloons line the neatly manicured lawn. My steps slow as I approach the west corner of the cemetery. When the names etched on the marble slab comes into clear view my feet refuse to move any further. A small ragged teddy bear and a vase of wilted roses rest against the grave.
My chest shakes erratically as I choke back a sob. Inhaling that ragged breath the thick scent of pungent char fills my nostrils and I fall to my knees restin’ my head against the cool marble. Each breath I draw is suffocating with the acrid smell. The cemetery is somber, yet peaceful, but I'm surrounded by the ill-fated sounds of Alyson and Sawyer's tormenting cries.
Two years ago today my soul died. Finally, here I kneel facin’ the demons that have haunted me endlessly and I’m shattered with the flood of emotions that resonate within me. I didn’t expect this to be easy, but I didn’t expect the onslaught of raw anguish that I’m feelin’ either.
Once the tears relent I wipe my face with the arm of my sleeve, then brace my hands on my thighs as I release an exasperated huff. Diggin’ deep in my gut, I search for the words I need to voice as if Alyson and Sawyer can hear me clearly.
“I’m lonely without y’all. Sawyer, Daddy misses your bubbly laugh and sweet smile. I miss your feet in my ribs when I sleep and bein’ woken up by you pouncin’ on the bed anxious to watch Saturday mornin’ cartoons. I miss zoomin’ you through the house, with your arms stretched out and your little Superman cape flappin’ behind ya. I’m so sorry Daddy couldn’t be your hero, little man. I know how much you looked up to me, and I failed you in the worst possible way.” Stiflin’ back the tears that fall on their own accord, I swipe away at my face and continue. “Alyson, honey I am so sorry I didn’t listen to ya. You know I tried to take care of you and Sawyer, protectin’ y’all the best I could, but I fell short. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for not replacin’ that damn outlet.” I pinch the bridge of my nose willing back the tears. “You two gave me the most beautiful moments of my life. You showed me what love was. I miss you and Sawyer terribly, but I know you’re at peace. I love you guys. I love you both so damn much.”
