by Silla Webb
“You are runnin’ me down, Luke. Please just stop this!” She pleads, her soft green eyes red rimmed with sorrow.
“Damn it, Savannah, I did it for you! I left because you kept askin’ me to give you space. But I was so worried about you, I just wanted to stay close in case you needed me. I should have listened to you and let you be, because I got too close to ya, too fast.”
“Y-you what?” She stammers when the realization of my words wash over her.
“Sweetheart, when I say I care about you, I mean that. I know you’re still tryin’ to get over your past with Josh. Hell, I’m still tryin’ to work through my own shit. But, Sav, I’m feelin’ things for you I never expected to feel again. I ain’t goin’ nowhere, so please stop tryin’ to close me out.”
“This is what I’m talkin’ about, Luke…you can’t say things like that. How do you expect me to think you care about me, when I know what I saw? You owe me nothing. But when I saw you with that woman in Lexington and I would be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. I don’t know why it did, but it hurt. I feel like I don’t even know you, Luke.” Damn, I really don’t wanna have this conversation with her right now, but I owe it to her. She doesn’t know much about me and if there’s any hope of gaining her trust I have to give her all of me. The good with the bad, the dark with the light.
I scrub my hand up over my face, frustrated and scared of what this night may bring. “This is gonna be really hard to tell you, Sav, so please just be patient while I get it all out.” Savannah nods and I wrap my arms around her tightly trying to find comfort in her touch. Without hesitation she relaxes into my side, resting her head on my chest. “That woman you saw me with is Ashleigh, she’s my sister-in-law.”
Savannah cups her mouth as her eyes grow wide with shock. “S-so you’re married?”
“No, sweetheart. I’m widowed. I lost my wife and son in a house fire two years ago.” I whisper, the anguish creepin’ through my chest and seizin’ my heart.
“I’m so sorry, Luke.” Savannah says with mist filled eyes.
“I went to Lexington to clear my head. I’ve sat by your side for the last two months and watched firsthand the raw pain you feel. You’re so broken I’ve often wondered if you’ll ever be whole again. I know that same pain, Sav. I can relate to it. Seein’ you hurt like this day in, day out, it’s only natural for me to want to take it all away and comfort you the best I can.
“I felt guilty because I started to care for you. I knew I was gettin’ too close, but it wasn’t until Colton opened my eyes that I realized I needed to give you some space and let you stand on your own two feet for a bit. When I left here that night, it killed me not telling you that I wouldn’t be back for a while. But I knew if I did, I’d have to explain so much more to you and I just wasn’t ready to do that. I didn’t want my past to overshadow the man that I am.” I’m not too proud to show the vulnerable side of me, but I dread seeing that look of pity on Savannah’s face that I know to expect.
“I’m confused, Luke. What does your past have to do with the man you are today?”
“I could have saved my family’s lives, Savannah. Not only was it my job as husband and father, but it was also my job as a fireman. I was a Lieutenant for the Lexington Fire Department. Alyson told me for weeks that there was an issue with one of the outlets at home. I knew better than to dismiss her concern, but I was so focused on my job that I put it off thinkin’ I had time to get to it. That was the last call I ever went out on, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. I’ll never forgive myself for not saving them.” I relive the night I lost my family, telling Savannah every disturbing detail as if it had just happened. But I relive the nightmare every damn night, so it’s a fresh memory I’ll never be able to escape.
“Luke, you made a mistake. It wasn’t your fault. Fact of the matter is, the good Lord called them home, together. It was just all a freak accident, really. I understand that you blame yourself, but consider this – God didn’t take you for a reason. Why? I don’t know, but he has a plan for you, Luke, that will eventually come together. When it does, although you’ve suffered a great loss, it will all make sense.” Savannah says, and I’ve heard that so many times I almost believe it. I’ve often wondered had they died any other way if I’d carry the same guilt.
“I hadn’t even visited their graves since the day of their burial because the pain was too much to bear. Spendin’ time with your family made me realize that I needed closure before I could move on. I needed to make peace with myself, before I can fully give every part of myself to you. I’ll always carry guilt for not saving my family, but I’ve also been battlin’ guilt because my wife is gone, yet here I am fallin’ for you.” I scrub my hand over my face, tryin’ to keep the emotion at bay. “I didn’t intend to stay gone for two weeks, but it took me a few days to find the courage to visit the cemetery. I would have told you all this sooner, but I’m more the strong silent type. I don’t like lettin’ others into my life so deeply and I certainly can’t stand to see pity in anyone’s face.”
Savannah mulls over everything I have told her, chewing on the side of her jaw quietly. I hate this silence between us. But I feel a slight relief now that I’ve told her about my past. It’s not nearly as dark and tainted as the life she lived with Josh, but it’s still a pain I harbor, something that I’ll always carry with me.
“Are you at peace?” Savannah asks quietly and it’s something I haven’t even had time to consider.
“I don’t know, really. I know I’m ready to move on with my life, but I’ll always carry their memory with me.”
“Tell me about them.”
“What do you want to know?” I ask. I’m not shocked that Savannah wants to know about Alyson and Sawyer because she’s just a compassionate person.
“Tell me whatever memories come to mind. I don’t have many happy memories with Josh, so it’s nice to hear real love stories.”
I don’t even know where to begin, so I pull my wallet from my back pocket and gently remove the tattered picture of Alyson and Sawyer, handing it to Savannah. “This is Alyson and Sawyer. When Alyson came into my life, falling head over heels in love so quickly was unexpected. She was a missing piece of my heart, then when Sawyer was born that made me whole. Fallin’ in love is one thing, but the unconditional love for a child – damn. There are no words to describe the amazin’ warmth that blankets your heart when you become a parent. Our little family was complete and perfect in our eyes. We never really had much because we were young, just trying to make it day by day. But we had each other.
“Sawyer never had a care in the world. He was an all-out boy who loved stomping in mud puddles, playing with Hot Wheel cars, and believed Superheroes were real. Superman was his favorite superhero because he could fly, bend steel, and he always knew when someone needed him. To Sawyer, I was his Superman. I worked twenty-fours a lot, but still managed to stop by at home just in time to tuck him in at night and read him a bedtime story. The few nights I didn’t make it home, Alyson would call me so I could tell him a quick story over the phone.
“Each morning I woke up with a knee to my ribs and a loud hmmmppph as he landed in the center of the bed, his red cape flowing in waves behind him. ‘Make me fly real high, Daddy!’ He’d say, his little smile stretched across his cheeks and his gentle grey eyes all round and googly. I’d pick him up with one hand on his tummy, one supporting his ankles while he stretched his arms out wide and I’d zip through the house with him. His laughter was endless and his smile never faded.”
We talk for what feels like hours. Savannah never moves from my arms as I share my memories with her. What felt like a slight relief suddenly feels like a huge weight has been lifted and I know that although I was hesitant about enlightening Savannah on my past, I did the right thing.
“You were a blessed man, Luke. I’m saddened that you lost your family, but I know you will always cherish your memories of them. Thanks for sharing with me.” She turns towards me and inh
ales a gentle breath. Her soft green eyes are troubled as she looks at me. “Luke, I’m sorry that I’ve been so distant. I’m grateful that you’re here with me, but you have to understand how messed up everything is right now.” The corner of her lip tips up in a sad crooked smile and I nod in response. Leaning forward she presses a delicate kiss to my cheek and whispers breathlessly, “Goodnight, Luke.”
“Goodnight, sweetheart.” I say softly as she walks away. I know this is her way of keepin’ herself safe and guarded from anymore heartache.
Instead of goin’ to bed I go outside for some air. Life has always dealt me the losin’ hand, but I can’t help but feel like a glimmer of brightness is finally being shed onto the dark.
People tend to feel pity for someone who’s lost a part of themselves through a terrible tragedy. I don’t need pity, that’s why I left Lexington and moved back home. I couldn’t handle the constant back pats and troubled looks from friends and co-workers. Although they were grieving Alyson and Sawyer’s death with me, it wasn’t uplifting to know I had a support system – no, not in the least. My family’s death is my own conviction. A turmoil I battle myself over daily and something only I can cope with alone. Friends often think when you’ve lost someone that their presence will be comforting, but for me it’s the utter opposite. I didn’t allow myself to fade into a darkness that consumed me mentally, but emotionally. I only wanted to shut out the world to suffer in silence.
Even as the days pass by and it becomes easier to smile, my heart still bleeds because it’s so tattered and torn. But, it is becoming easier. Carly accepting me as a friend was the ice breaker that gave me the chance to test the waters to see if I was prepared to be a friend, to open myself up to relationships I never saw coming. Take Colton for instance; he made my life a living hell as kids, bullying me just for fun. And he sure as hell didn’t throw me a welcome home party when I moved back to Willamstown. Carly was the building block to the foundation of our friendship. It took proving to Colton that I knew where I stood in Carly’s life for him to loosen up and put his indifferences with me aside.
Carly’s friendship, her trust and faith in me also brought Savannah into my life. The moment I first laid eyes on her that day in the diner I could see the scars all over her. Not visible scars, but the scars that she carries from the years of heartache and abuse. As my friendship grew with Colton, I found Savannah in my presence more and the scars became more visible. Bruises hidden beneath makeup and heavy sweaters, small defensive cuts on her hands. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and shield her from the pain, erase the scars from her mind, but I resisted. Until I couldn’t resist any longer. The perfect storm. Our worlds collided at the most imperfect time. We have a beautifully flawed relationship but I want more. I want beautifully perfected, but Savannah ain’t ready to dust off her heart and prepare it for true love. Savannah is still bent and broken, but one day, one day I’ll mend the seams if she’ll let me.
Chapter Sixteen
Therapy Session #6
“Good afternoon, Josh.” Dr. Hampton says as she gets comfortable, placing her legal pad in her lap.
“Hey, doc.” I tip my head up towards her.
“Josh, you look much better than you did just days ago when I saw you unexpectedly. Are you resting any better?” She asks repositioning the glasses on her face.
“Not really, but it is what it is.” How the fuck anybody can rest on this damn newspaper thin mattresses is beyond me. I often wonder if the fuckin’ concrete floor wouldn’t be more comfortable.
“I see. Have you given any more thought to signing the Divorce Petition?”
“That’s all I’ve thought about.”
“And what conclusion have you come to, Josh?”
“Do you realize what I’m losing, doc? This ain’t turnin’ a fuckin’ dog into the pound. This is me sayin’ I no longer wish to be married to my wife. This is me agreeing that that part of my life is over. I don’t think I can accept that.”
“Josh, have you considered Savannah and your children at all?”
“What the hell kinda question is that?” Did she seriously just ask me that? Hell yes I’ve considered Savannah and the kids. I’ve considered the fact that my kids will grow up fatherless. I’ve also considered the fact that Savannah will eventually move on with her life. She’s mine. There’s too much to risk by agreeing to a divorce. I’d rather drag her ass through court for the next five fuckin’ years before givin’ in.
“I know this upsets you, Josh. But we are working together to help you. You need to hear the truth from someone, so it might as well be me. You are only causing Savannah and your children more heartache by holding onto something that is already gone. You need to come to terms with reality, Josh. You are facing twenty-five years to life in prison. Your children will be grown with their own families by the time you’re released. Savannah deserves a chance at life, Josh. I want you to think about the pain you’ve caused your family, then I want you to try to be selfless for them, just once. The decision is fully yours. I can’t force you to do anything. But it is my job to open your eyes to the error of your ways and help you cope with your wrong doings.”
My face flames with heat and I have to grit my teeth together to control myself from lashing out at her. I don’t wanna hear this shit. But I know she’s right. After Savannah left the jail last week, I had somewhat of a meltdown. After a swift trip to the emergency room, I was able to see Dr. Hampton. To be honest I’m not sure why I requested to talk with her, perhaps I’m beginning to trust her judgment? I don’t know. I told Dr. Hampton about Savannah’s visit and it was clear how distraught I was after seein’ her.
Dr. Hampton listened to me express my feelings, then she told me the cold hard truth, just like she did moments ago. Dr. Hampton said ‘in her professional opinion’ it isn’t the idea of losing Savannah that bothers me, so much as losing the control over Savannah. She said that I exhibit an intense craving to control someone, stripping them of their pride, strength and dignity. I’ve thought about that a lot over the last several days, and deep down, I know she’s right. I just don’t know if I can selflessly let her go.
“Moving on. We’ve discussed many things in our sessions together, Josh. But the one topic you always seem to dance around is Drew.”
“And I’ve fuckin’ told you, that’s not up for discussion.” I bark loudly.
“What are you hidin’ from, Josh?” Dr. Hampton continues to push me in the wrong direction and I’ve had enough.
“I’m done with this shit today.”
“Josh, I really wish you’d let me help you. Drew’s had his clutches in you far too long, and it’s clearly evident that he’s the Puppet Master in the relationship. Why are you so loyal to him, Josh? Talk to me!” Dr. Hampton doesn’t relent.
“You need to let me work this shit out in my own head. I can’t just lay it all out there like it’s some fuckin’ fairytale, because it’s aint. Our friendship is dark and sinister. Drew has done unimaginable things for me and I’m indebt to him and probably always will be.” I’ve already said too much. I cross my arms over my chest and glare at her furiously.
“Okay, Josh. I won’t pry any further. I understand this is a very sensitive matter for you, and I don’t want to cause you more stress. I can only hope that in time you will confide in me enough to share the details behind your relationship with Drew. We are scheduled to meet weekly, but at any time you feel ready to discuss Drew Varney please let one of the guards know.”
I cross my arms under my head and concentrate on the flickering fluorescent bulb that’s about to blow any minute now, counting out reps quietly to myself. One hundred twenty six, one hundred twenty seven, one hundred twenty eight…The incessant buzzing noise has become music to my ears, lulling me to dream when my restless mind won’t give way to sleep. For the second time in my life – that I can actually remember – I’m battling a flood of emotions that has me wrecked.
Twenty-five years to life. That’s
just what I’m facing as it stands…I’m sure once the Feds dig deeper into my background the charges will just continue to grow. It’d be my fuckin’ luck.
Dr. Hampton has worked tirelessly with me tryin’ to sort through what fucked me into the monster that I am. Truth is, I don’t need help figurin’ it out. I know what fucked me up, who fucked me up. But the truth is too depraved to voice. I own it and although there isn’t a day that goes by that it doesn’t gnaw a little more of me away, I’ll do whatever I can to take that fuckin’ shit to the grave.
The monster inside me is the product of wicked manipulation. Evelyn Hager stripped me of my innocence with her sadistic sexual abuse. In that years’ time I lost sight of who I was inside. I began to push everyone away, my grades dropped significantly and I quit sports. My parents were concerned that I was addicted to drugs…I could have only been so fuckin’ lucky. At least then enduring her assault would’ve been clouded with toxic chemicals instead of staying freshly vivid in my mind.
Drew, being my closest childhood friend never gave up on me, he refused to let me shut him out. He knew something terrible was causing the changes, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit the truth to anyone. My world did a complete one eighty on the fateful day that Drew walked in bearing witness to the abuse. His demeanor was the usual calm and calculated that he always displayed; impressive for that of a sixteen year old. Yet the fury in his eyes and venom lacing his voice was a drastic contrast to the Drew I’d always known. Even I felt the fear behind his warning. He saved me from any further humiliation and abuse, threatening to expose Evelyn as a child-molester if she ever came near me again.
Although I was mortified that Drew had caught me in my most vulnerable state, I was thankful that he so brazenly put an end to my suffering.
