by Wendy Smith
She detaches and rolls onto her back. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant. My stomach was distorted, but I thought that was the lack of food. I thought I was dying.”
I move to my side to face her, cupping one of her breasts. “I’m sorry. I know how hard this must be for you.”
With a smirk, she catches my hand and raises it to her lips. “It’s okay. It’s only fair you should hear it.” She takes a deep breath as she snuggles into my arms. “I didn’t know what was happening. I’d been so sick. I knew Mum was drugging me—I thought she was poisoning me. So many times I tried to get up those stairs and out, but I was so sick and tired, I never got far. My stomach was so hard, but it wasn’t that much bigger than normal. I thought I was dying.”
Tears well in her eyes, and I brush her face to soothe her. “I was in agony, and then I started bleeding. Finally, Mum called for an ambulance, told them some bullshit story. I was out of it, too far gone to know, but I was free. Once I got to the hospital they worked out what was going on pretty quickly and managed to stop the labour with drugs. I got a month where they fed me and put me on a drip for nutrients to try to give Max as good a start as we could. He was born at thirty-two weeks, and the cord got caught around his neck. He never stood a chance.”
Her shoulders relax. How many times has she told her story? Who’s cared enough to listen?
“My baby was undersized and premature, and they couldn’t tell me how much damage had been done. Then, my mother killed herself.”
I close my eyes as they prick with tears, pulling her tighter. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here, Lily. I’m so, so sorry.”
“The note said she killed herself because she was under so much pressure. No sorry for everything she did, no sorry for leaving me. Nothing about her grandson. Even in her last moments, she couldn’t think about me.”
Her tears drop onto my chest. “Max didn’t seem too bad when he was a baby. All his problems surfaced as he grew older. It became obvious he had learning difficulties, and that he was smaller than the other children. And it was just me, Adam. No one helped. The only person who ever seemed to care was Mrs Murphy. Remember her from school?”
I nod. It was in Mrs Murphy’s class that I’d met Lily. I still remember locking eyes on Lily that first time, trying to take a peek at the face hidden behind the long, blonde hair. I was rewarded with the big blue eyes she now shares with my son. One look had set my fourteen-year-old heart racing.
“This was her place. But that’s a whole other story.”
I reach for Lily’s face, tilting it toward me to look into her eyes. “You don’t have to worry about help now. I’ll give you all you need. I’ll be here for you and Max. Whatever it takes. I came back to town with a plan to start my life again, and you two are going to be a part of that. Hell, you are that life.”
“There was never really anyone else for me,” she whispers.
My lips brush hers. “It wouldn’t matter if there was. When I got the call to tell me Mum was sick, you were in my thoughts. I still had hope you would want me.”
Her smile lights that dim room. “I do. I tried to move on, but no one else would ever understand. Max and I are so tight. I was always terrified that someone new would try to come between us.” Her eyes are so sad. While I’d been happy to discover she was single when I first came back, it was clear there had been no one she thought she could trust enough.
“I’m glad you didn’t think I would.”
“You’re his father. It’s different with you. You’re not going to want to send him away and in to care. Are you?”
“Never,” I whisper and pull her closer. She’s safe now, in my embrace and back where she belongs.
I’m home.
19
Adam
I wake to the sound of her crying.
“Lily,” I whisper, reaching for her. In the night I got up to use the bathroom and when I got back, I entangled myself in her. Since then, we’ve become detached, and I slip my arm under her neck to pull her back toward me.
“No.” At first I loosen my grip, but she’s panting and shaking, and it’s not because of me. She’s dreaming. At least, I think that’s what’s going on.
She makes a sound. It comes out like a word, but nothing I recognise. She’s struggling with something, and I’m not going to wake her. I’ve been here before.
When she lunges for the bedside cabinet and flicks on the light, I let her go. She sits up, still breathing quickly, her expression strained.
“Did you turn out the light?” She gasps as she speaks, struggling to catch a breath.
“I closed the door when I went to the bathroom. Didn’t want Max walking in on anything you didn’t want him to see.”
“The dark …”
Those two words tell me everything, and regret fills my soul. Did I really think she’d have walked away from her ordeal unscathed? I have enough scars, mental and physical, to understand the inability to let go. “Shit. Lily. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
She shakes her head. “No. You didn’t. It’s not your fault.”
Her breathing slows, and I place my hand on her thigh, gently stroking her skin. “Leave the lamp on and lie back down with me. I want to show you something.”
Lily lies back down, and I fold her in my embrace. She’s safe, even if she doesn’t feel it. Her eyes are so heavy, and I understand even more the reason for her fatigue. It’s not just Max or the farm. It’s her.
I palm her cheek, and she closes her eyes at my touch. My body’s on fire again with want and need. All for her.
“What did you want to show me?” she asks as she opens her eyes again.
“Just give me a second. I want you to stop shaking first.”
“I’m sorry.” The words are a whisper, as if she has anything to be sorry for. I’m the one who owes her.
I press my nose to her nose. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. We all have fears. Even me.”
A smile spreads across her face. “Here I was thinking you were brave and tough.”
“Not all the time.”
I guide her hand to my right shoulder, and her fingers probe the skin. Never taking my eyes off her face, I watch as her brows knit, and she frowns. “What’s that lump?”
“That’s where I got shot in the shoulder.”
Her eyes widen. “Adam?”
“It’s okay. It bled. I survived. But because of it and other things, I freak out at sudden loud noises sometimes.”
Her lips twitch.
“Hell of a problem when you’re working on old cars. Never know when those things are gonna backfire.” I’m semi-joking to try and lighten the mood, but she sucks in her lower lip, her eyes searching mine.
“The point is that we’re both a bit broken, and if being together is what helps fix us, I vote we try.”
She raises her arms, repositioning herself to wrap them around my neck, her grip tightening as I stroke her back.
“It’s okay, Lily. I’m here.”
Right where I always should have been.
I wake again, this time to the sound of gravel crunching under a car tyre.
Lily stirs. “Crap. What’s happened now?”
I prop myself up on one elbow watching as she stumbles out of bed and starts to dress. In the daylight that now fills the room, I can see for the first time how painfully thin she actually is, and as she turns to pick up her pants, I reach out and run a hand over her backside.
“Stop.” She laughs, slapping my hand.
“Never.”
A loud knock on the door makes her jump, and she drags on her pants, zipping them up and running from the room. The knocking gets louder. “Open up.” From the bedroom I can hear an angry male voice, and I slide out of bed, tugging on my jeans and heading downstairs to take a look.
Lily pulls the door open. It’s Eric.
“Lily, the damn sheep got through the fence again.”
“I’m sorry, Eric. I’ll go down and look at the damage.”
; He sighs loudly. “Yeah, well, if you just let me take over this place, the sheep would be somewhere more secure.”
I walk up behind her, eyeballing the guy and sliding an arm around Lily’s waist. “There a problem?”
She turns her head. “My sheep keep breaking through the fence.”
Eric narrows his eyes. “Adam.”
Lily rests her head on my shoulder as if to show our unity.
“Oh. It’s you.” Max’s voice comes from behind us, disappointment in his tone.
I turn my head, but Max looks past me and out the door at Eric.
“Hey, buddy. How’s it hanging?” Eric asks.
Max pushes between Lily and I, looping his arms around our waists. He stares at Eric, and my chest bursts with pride at how he’s handling the interloper, and that he’s seemingly accepting of me being here. My son.
“Hey Max. Want to go with Mum to get some breakfast, and I’ll take care of whatever Eric wants?”
He grins up at me. “Can we have something yummy?”
“I’m sure I have some Coco Pops in the kitchen if you want,” Lily says. I loosen my grip and let go of Max. Lily turns to face me. “Thanks.”
I lean over and kiss her with a longing I hope is obvious to Eric. She’s mine again.
“I’ll just grab my shirt and we can head out.” I say. Eric nods stiffly.
Lily follows as I climb the stairs, two at a time. “Let me know what needs doing and I’ll organise someone to come and fix it.”
“I’ll sort it out. Don’t worry about it.” I pull my T-shirt on and peck her on the lips. “You’re not getting rid of me any time soon, so you better get used to me pitching in.”
“It doesn’t mean you take over everything.” She pouts, and I press an index finger to her lips.
“No. It doesn’t. But it does mean that I’m going to contribute. It’s long overdue.”
She can’t argue with that; she knows I’m right. “Just behave with Eric. He can still make my life difficult. I might have the use of the property and house, but technically it’s his.”
I waggle my eyebrows. “Not yet anyway. I’ll be good.” In the rush to get out of bed, her hair’s loose, and I push the locks back behind her ears as she shakes her head. “I’m not here to disrupt your life.”
“It’s a bit late for that.” Her lips twitch as she fights a smile. If I didn’t have to get back downstairs … damn it. I laugh and grab her arms, twirling her around and pushing her down on the bed. She shrieks as I run my fingers over her waist, right in one of the spots where she’s ticklish.
The sound rings out through the open door, and I know Eric must be able to hear her. This is the sound of Lily happy, and it makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been since I don’t know when. I’m a world away from the man who drowned his sorrows in his apartment. I have Lily back and I have a son. That still warms my heart, and I burst with pride at that smart, crazy kid.
“Mum,” Max calls.
“I have to go.” She giggles.
“So do I.” I pull her close and linger on her lips.
“Mum,” Max yells louder and reluctantly, I let her go.
“Be back soon,” I say.
“You’d better.”
The damage isn’t too bad. Whoever fixed this last didn’t do the best job, but most of it held. Eric and I tidy it up as best we can.
“That should do it. I’ll head into town and grab some supplies and fix it properly, but that should keep them in while I’m gone.”
He nods. “I hope it’s fixed properly this time.”
“I’ll sort it.” He always did get up my nose. He never gave Lily the time of day until she became my girl and only then started taking an interest in her.
“How on earth did you persuade Lily to take you back?”
His question catches me by surprise. “There wasn’t much persuasion. She loves me.”
“You left her.” His tone is flat. I assume it’s because he never had what I have—Lily’s love.
“I didn’t know what happened to Lily. Not until last night.”
He doesn’t believe me. It’s written all over his face. “You didn’t know.”
“I was devastated she didn’t turn up to our wedding. I ran as far as I could and stayed away. Now I know I should have come back, but we were so young. And I was stupid.”
His shoulders slump. “Yeah, you were. It didn’t matter how far away you were, it was always you she wanted. I knew that, and I still thought that maybe one day she’d love me.”
“I’m sorry. Lily and I always had that bond—”
Eric looks up at me, his eyes blazing. “That you left behind. I was the one who was here for her.”
“I know, and I am so grateful. But that doesn’t change Lily’s feelings, nor does it mean this is going to be easy for either of us. She’s made her choice. We both made that choice a long time ago.”
His jaw is set as he fixes his gaze on me. “Don’t you ever hurt her. I will be on your arse so fast …”
“I know. I have a lot to make up for.” All I can do is hope he sees my sincerity. I want to give Lily the world, everything she should have always had. At least now I’m in a position to do it and not starting from scratch with nothing.
“Yeah, you do.”
20
Lily
Max wolfs down his breakfast, and I smile at him taking the morning in his stride. Finding Adam with me could have gone either way—he’s that possessive of me. Maybe Eric being at the door distracted him.
Max has always been a good judge of character. He took a dislike to Eric from an early age, but then, he’s seen enough of Eric pressuring me to move in with him. I couldn’t be prouder of my boy for taking a stand today.
I lean on my elbows at the kitchen table to watch him. Max finishes the last spoonful, and picks up the bowl, drinking the chocolate milk from it. “Finished.”
“Good boy.” I reach over and tousle his hair.
“Adam’s going to kick Eric’s arse,” he declares.
I stifle a giggle. “Max. You shouldn’t say things like that.”
A wide grin spreads across his face. “My daddy could kick anyone’s arse.”
My stomach falls to the floor, and I open my mouth to say something only to close it again. What in earth?
“I like Adam. Are you getting married?”
With a dry throat, I manage to croak. “I … I don’t know.”
He grabs a colouring-in book from the end of the table and a packet of coloured pencils. Opening it to a random page, he starts colouring. I have nothing more to say, so I keep watching. Soon the sky is coloured blue, the grass green, just the way it should be. The house in the middle of the picture becomes fuchsia.
“Is that supposed to be the colour of this house, Max?” It doesn’t look like it, our house is more of browny dirt shade. Is old a colour? The colour of rust?
He shakes his head. “This is your house, Mum. You like pink.”
I laugh. “I guess I do.”
“Maybe Daddy can build you a pink house.”
I close my eyes, holding back the tears that threaten. Sometimes Max is far smarter than anyone thinks. These little moments always catch my breath as my adored boy comes out with his words of wisdom. Has he worked out that Adam’s his father? Or does he simply wish for it? Whatever it is, it’s wonderful.
Max goes back to colouring in while I get up and run water for the dishes. Adam will be back soon, and my heart races at the thought of his arms around me again. Every nerve in my body comes alive with him, his touch setting me on fire. All those years ago when Max was conceived, Adam had been so unsure of himself, as had I. Now he’s back, knowing how to touch me, how to make my body hum.
When I first saw he’d returned, I tried not to get too emotional in case it all crumbled in front of me. One night is all it’s taken to melt me inside, and if I have any control left, I’ll hold onto that as tight as I can.
Lost in thought, I jump
when Adam’s hand lands on my shoulder.
“It’s not too much of an issue to fix. The sheep are fine for now, and I’ll go into town shortly and grab some bits to sort out the fence properly.”
I sigh. “That should have been done last time. I even paid for it.”
“I’ll sort it. Don’t worry about anything.” His eyes are so full of love as he bends to brush his lips against mine.
“Daddy, look what I drew,” Max speaks, waving his colouring book around.
Adam’s expression makes me catch my breath, the awe written all over it. He smiles at Max. “Great going, champ.” He shifts his gaze back to me. “You told? I thought we’d do it together.”
I shrug. “He worked it out for himself. He’s not as dumb as some people think he is.” I shoot a glare at Eric who has walked in behind him. Eric who asked me to spend my life with him. Eric who wanted to send Max away to a home for special kids and then wondered why I wanted nothing to do with him.
“Wow. That’s great.” There’s a hint of disappointment in Adam’s voice, and I understand. He wanted to see Max’s reaction, and so did I. I twist the ring around on my finger—not that I need to give myself that reassurance anymore. He’s here.
“Thanks for sorting it out, Adam. Lily.” Eric nods before leaving.
“Ha ha.” Max grins at Adam. “He’s gone.”
Adam roars with laughter and walks around the table to take a closer look at Max’s colouring. “Mum wants a pink house, so I made it pink,” Max says.
“Oh, does she now?” Adam’s gaze penetrates me, and my insides melt at his intensity.
“Max thinks I do. I’m happy with a house that has all of us in it.” Have I said too much too soon?
Adam’s eyes blaze with desire, and I squeeze my thighs together thinking about what might happen if Max wasn’t here.
“I’ve got an idea about that,” he says, never taking his eyes from my face.
If he asked me now, I’d live in a tent with him.
Max has days where he fixates on one thing. Today, it’s colouring. It started with the pink house; now I lie on my stomach on the floor with him, doing some colouring myself. I love these quiet moments with my boy. He’s so full on, having them is a rare and wonderful thing.
