by Mari Carr
He chuckled. “Yeah, well, I think I’ve done more than my fair share of contributing to the insanity. Another reason why I should buy you a meal. Please. It really is just a thank-you.”
“Mind if I get a quick shower first?”
He shook his head. And then, most notably, he didn’t offer to join her. He also hadn’t approached her for a kiss. The absence of his touches after a week of nonstop come-ons was jarring.
She missed it, which proved to her just how far she’d fallen.
“Okay. I won’t be long.” She dangled the carrot again.
He didn’t grab it. “That’s fine. I figure my inbox is overflowing with emails after yesterday. I’ll just grab my phone, park myself on the couch, and start plowing through them.”
She brushed against him as she left the kitchen, but the glancing touch had no impact on him. Meanwhile, it wrecked her, sending sparks of electricity along her skin and making her hot and shivery.
He followed her back to the bedroom, picked up his phone, and headed for the living room without even trying to steal a kiss.
Sara was perplexed by his sudden about-face. After all, he had been the one to insist they continue the affair, and he had pointedly ignored her refusals.
Then she felt guilty for her thoughts. How on earth could she expect the man to be thinking about sex when he’d almost lost his dad yesterday? Of course he would be distant. He was worried out of his mind.
Good lord. When did she become such a freaking sex maniac? It was as if her hormones were overriding her compassion as well as her good sense. She had told him no, and it appeared—for once in his life—Kellan had listened. Dammit.
She hopped in the shower, lingering longer than normal, still hoping he would join her. When it became obvious he wasn’t going to surprise her, she got out and dressed. She took a few minutes to fix her hair and makeup, and then she found him exactly where he said he’d be. On the couch, phone in hand, thumbs tapping a million miles a minute.
“You ready to go?” she asked. “I can putter around here if you need more time.”
He shook his head as he stood. “Nope. I’m good. I put out the most immediate fires, and the rest can wait until I’m back in the office.”
Kellan claimed his keys and waited as she locked her front door. Lately he placed his hand at the base of her spine whenever they walked, but that guiding touch was absent today. In fact, it all was. He climbed in the driver’s side as she took her place in the passenger’s seat.
As they rode to the hospital in silence, she snuck a few glances at his face. His expression was serious, almost stoic. “You doing okay?”
He looked over and gave her a friendly smile. “I’m hanging in there. I think I’ll feel better once I’ve seen Dad and had a chance to talk to him. Our last conversation…wasn’t great.”
She waited for more details, but he didn’t bother to explain. She considered asking him, but she was too afraid. Part of her was fairly certain that last conversation took place at the Social Club Thursday night. Kellan and his dad had been alone at the table while she danced with Gabriel. She’d snuck several peeks at them as she and Gabriel swayed in time to the music. Whatever they’d been discussing had been serious.
Sara reached across the console and placed her hand on his forearm. “You’ll have a chance to make things right today.”
He placed his hand on top of hers. “I can’t keep fucking things up.”
The statement was vague, but it was obvious he had no intention of saying more. She let it go, and they spent the rest of the ride to the hospital talking about the weather and discussing possible places to go for dinner.
Once they arrived at the hospital, she parted ways with Kellan in order to give him some privacy with his dad. She used the time to check on the progress of the other victims of the accident.
After an hour, her cell beeped.
You ready?
She tried to rein in her irrational excitement at seeing him again. For God’s sake, they’d only been apart a little while.
Sara was in completely over her head and terrified this wasn’t going to end well. Despite that, she couldn’t beat down the hope that fluttered every time she thought about him.
The optimist in her still believed he’d open his eyes, see what they had, what they could have, and he’d come to his senses.
The realist told her she was a total idiot and just asking for a broken heart.
She blew out a long, nervous breath, replied to the text, and they met in the lobby. Both of them were starving, so they simply headed across the street to Score. It wasn’t fancy or different, but it was close and the food was good.
Tanya Miller, the owner, was there. Before opening the bar, Tanya had worked as a nurse at Hampton Gen. Her daughter Andy was still a nurse there. As such, she knew Kellan and Sara well. She asked about his father and then led the two of them to the same quiet corner table where he had issued his offer of sex, sex, and more sex, just over a week ago.
He had been uncharacteristically quiet all day, but more so since his visit with his dad. After they placed their orders, Sara bit the bullet.
“Did you have a chance to speak with your father?”
Kellan shook his head. “Not really. He’s on some fairly heavy medication so he kept drifting in and out of sleep. I told him I loved him, but I’m not sure he heard me. Hell, I’m not even sure he realized I was in the room.”
Sara could tell how important it was to Kellan to talk to his dad, to clear up whatever disagreement they’d had just before the accident. She also knew Mr. James, and knew there was nothing Kellan could have done or said that would make him believe his son didn’t love him.
“I get that you’re upset, but your dad knows how you feel about him, Kell. He knows you love him. You may think you need to get what’s bothering you off your chest, but I suspect whatever it is isn’t as bad as you believe. In fact, I bet your dad forgave you for it two seconds after you guys parted ways the other night. Besides, your father is going to get stronger with each day. You’ll have your chance to talk to him. Until then…” She hesitated briefly, uncertain if she should make the offer dangling on the tip of her tongue. She went for it. “Until then, I’m here. Want to talk to me about it?”
He shook his head. “No. It’s okay. You’re right. I have to let it go for now.”
Sara wished his refusal didn’t hurt so much. While they’d always been friends, she wouldn’t call herself his closest confidante or anything. Even so, since their weekend together she’d felt a switch in the dynamics of their friendship. It felt deeper, more connected. She had hoped it was the same for him. Apparently, it wasn’t.
They chatted instead about his father’s prognosis as they ate. They’d both opted for chicken sandwiches and fries, and they split a piece of chocolate cake. Sara hadn’t realized until the food was placed in front of her how hungry she was.
The waitress walked by, asking if they’d like more coffee, and she nodded.
Kellan planned to check on his dad one more time before going home. Her car was still in the hospital parking lot, so their time was growing short. Sara felt guilty stalling their departure, but she didn’t like the idea of being alone just yet. She didn’t consider that he might spend the night with her. And while she’d insisted repeatedly that was the way she wanted it, the truth was…she wasn’t so sure anymore.
Sleeping—just sleeping—with him last night had felt…good.
Her phone beeped. Picking it up, she glanced at the screen and sighed.
“Everything okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah. It’s from Gabriel. He wants to know if I’m free for dinner tomorrow.”
Kellan frowned, but made no further comment. She wondered if that information would jar him out of whatever weird mood he was in—if it would stimulate him enough to make a move.
“Are you going out with him?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.” Gabriel was a nice guy, but she felt zero
attraction to him. If Kellan weren’t sitting there with her, she would have already come up with an excuse to get out of the invitation.
Unfortunately she wasn’t sure if that lack of desire was based on her feelings for Gabriel or her feelings for Kellan. If she hadn’t fallen for the world’s least eligible bachelor, perhaps she would have felt a spark for Gabriel. Maybe.
Her gut said no, but right now, all her emotions were jumbled. She was tied up in knots. A mess.
“Why wouldn’t you go out with him?” Kellan pressed. “I thought you liked him.”
“I do. He’s…” She couldn’t come up with anything more exciting than, “A really nice guy.”
“So text him back and say yes.”
“You want me to date Gabriel now? The other night you said—”
“I was wrong, Sara.”
“About Gabriel?”
He shook his head. “No. About this. Us. I should have stuck to the time limit and not pushed for more. Actually, I shouldn’t have even made the damn offer to begin with. It wasn’t fair to you.”
Sara sucked in a breath, feeling as if she’d just been punched in the stomach. It was a ridiculous, overblown reaction, but she couldn’t help it.
He took her hand, and she was struck by how warm his felt in comparison to her ice-cold fingers. Why was she behaving like this?
As Kellan liked to say, she’d known the score going in. The problem was she had thought she was different. That he would actually be able to open that ice-encased heart of his and let her in.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Can I ask you something?” Her initial surprise was giving way to anger. Ordinarily she was able to control her emotions, but Kellan somehow managed to evoke every extreme in her. Her feelings were hurt, her heart crushed.
He’d called their weekend together a mistake, and it infuriated her. How could he think one single thing they’d done was wrong? How dare he use her, discard her, and then say “Oh sorry. My bad.”
There was a very good chance they were no longer going to be friends when they left this table, but she was too furious to give a shit about it, to guard her words.
Kellan nodded hesitantly, her aggressive tone giving her anger away.
“Why are you so afraid of commitment? And please”—she raised one hand—“don’t feed me the same crap you’ve been spouting for years.”
He glanced around the room uncomfortably. He was probably scoping out the exit and plotting a quick escape. She was about to cause a scene. Kellan didn’t do scenes or drama any more than he did emotions. Which made her even more determined to provoke some sort of response from him.
“My reasons aren’t crap. I don’t know what you expect me to say.” His tone was so cool and collected, so distant it stung. She was in serious danger of crying and there was no way in hell she’d let him see that.
“Forget it,” she said at last, deciding she couldn’t do this anymore. She had been a fool to let herself get caught in Kellan James’s tractor beam to begin with. The man was too damn good at laying on the charm, and she’d let him suck her in, make an ass of herself. She should have known better. “Forget all of it.”
She started to scoot out of the booth, but Kellan caught her wrist, stopping her.
“My dad cheated on my mom. He had an affair with another woman when I was thirteen.”
Whatever she’d expected him to say, that sure as hell hadn’t been it. “Are you sure?” It was a stupid response, but she had grown up next door to the James family. She had never known a more loving, devoted couple in her life. It was one of the reasons she had always struggled to understand Kellan’s aversion to the institution of marriage.
“My mom and I caught him in the act.”
He’d only been thirteen. Suddenly things were starting to make sense. Kellan had always idolized his dad as a boy. Whenever anyone remarked about how much he resembled or acted like his father, Kellan would grin as if he’d been handed a million dollars.
When Sara looked back, she realized that hero worship had started to wane in high school. She hadn’t really considered it until this moment and if she had, she probably would have just attributed it to puberty, to growing up.
“I’m sorry, Kellan. I didn’t know.”
He lifted one shoulder as if it didn’t matter, though he looked miserable. “No one did. Well, with the exception of the other woman and my parents’ marriage counselor.”
“So, he broke it off?”
Kellan nodded.
“And your mom forgave him?”
He scowled. “Of course she did. You know my mother. She loves everyone unconditionally.”
Kellan seemed to resent his mother’s innate kindness, which was weird. In the past, he’d always adored and spoken highly of her. Had he really been hiding all this bitterness for so many years?
“Are you angry at her for that?”
Kellan seemed taken aback by her question. “What? No, of course not. I just think…she didn’t deserve what he did to her. She forgave him too easily.”
“That’s what love is about, Kellan. No one is perfect. If you love someone, you accept the flaws and decide what your limits are. Your dad ended the affair, and he made amends. Clearly that was enough for your mom.”
Kellan didn’t respond.
“But I assume it wasn’t enough for you. Is that what you fought with your dad about?”
“Yeah. That was part of it.”
He clearly didn’t intend to elaborate on the rest. He was beginning to shut down. How the hell could she combat these feelings he’d been suppressing and holding on to for so long?
“So, your aversion to commitment stems from the fact your dad cheated on your mom?” She was struggling to connect the dots, to figure out his mindset.
“I’m not willing to make promises to a woman which I can’t keep.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m not getting married. Ever.”
Sara began to understand. He’d spent a lifetime being told how much he was like his dad. Apparently those words had taken root and created a fear no one had seen. The worst part about it was that Kellan had more than his fair share of stubbornness. If he had truly made his mind up about this, it would take an act of God or Congress to change it. “You aren’t your dad, Kellan. No one says you’re going to make the same mistakes. Really, if anything, you can learn from them, not repeat them.”
His impassive face could have been chiseled in stone for all the emotion he revealed. “Go out with Gabriel, Sara. He can give you what you want, what you deserve. I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?” she challenged.
He rose from the table, sliding enough money to cover the bill and tip onto the table. “Same thing. I need to go check on my dad.”
Without another word, he left.
Sara remained at the table. She stared across the bar without seeing a damn thing, struck by the irony of how much her life had changed in the past week.
And how, regardless of everything that had happened, she was still sitting in the exact same spot.
Chapter Ten
Kellan stared at his empty glass, trying to find a way out of his funk. Almost a week had passed since he’d done the hardest thing he ever had to in his entire life and walked away from Sara. The next morning, he had gone to work to find an email from her. He had expected her to berate him for being such a miserable bastard. She would have been well within her rights to take him to task for leaving her alone at that table, but instead she’d merely let him out of his obligation to take her to charity gala. She said Gabriel had agreed to escort her.
Now he was at Score, trying to find a way back to normal. Unfortunately, nothing felt right without Sara. Things he’d done for years seemed off somehow. He couldn’t stand in his kitchen without picturing her bent over the table, or standing by the counter with a cup of coffee in her hands. He couldn’t grill a steak or soak in the hot tub or swim in his own damn pool witho
ut remembering how all those activities had been so much better with her.
He had logged long hours at the hospital in an attempt to avoid the memories at home by burrowing himself in his office. Even at work he was forced to avoid the cafeteria and the lounges, and obviously, he wouldn’t step foot near the emergency room. The only other place he would venture to in the hospital was his father’s room, and even then, he scoured every hallway on the journey to and from, fearing a tiny glimpse of Sara.
The only positive thing to come out of the week had been his dad’s recovery. He was so much better the doctor planned to release him tomorrow.
After leaving Sara alone at this table last week, he’d gone directly to his father’s hospital room. Mercifully, Dad had been awake and coherent. Kellan had talked to him about the past and apologized for harboring the bad feelings for so long. When faced with the possibility of his dad’s death, Kellan realized how little the affair mattered.
God, it had been one moment of weakness—something both his parents had managed to move beyond. Kellan had given it too much importance, let it almost destroy the love he felt for his family.
“Well hello, stranger.”
Kellan looked up at the sexy female voice. For a second, his heart leaped, thinking it was Sara. Instead it was Veronica. He had never texted her back, his attention and desires all focused on Sara.
“Veronica. It’s good to see you.” It wasn’t. In fact, she was the last person he wanted to see.
She gestured at the empty chair across from him. “Is someone joining you?”
He wanted to lie and say yes. He wasn’t interested in company. However, it was obvious he was alone, so he shook his head.
She claimed the seat, then waved the waitress over to order a glass of red wine. As she did so, Kellan took the opportunity to study her appearance, wondering what he’d ever found attractive about her. She didn’t hold a candle to Sara. No one did.
“You’re looking good,” Veronica said, leaning forward slightly. The action was premeditated and meant to capture his attention as her deep red silk blouse hung open so that he had an ample eyeful of her cleavage.
