by Mika Jolie
“Where are you going?”
“To Chappy.”
Silence engulfed the space between them. Claire adjusted her weight from one foot to another. Typically she welcomed the soothing sound, let it smooth her soul and take away her jagged edges from days on the road, but the quietness magnified the line of disconnect between them.
“The funeral is in two days,” Forrest said at last and released her hand. “If you choose to stay, I’ll see you then.”
Without another look in her direction, he walked out of the room. She watched him, the rippling muscles of his back taut, straining his sweater. He’d shut her out for good. And just like that her world came crashing down, piece by piece, all she could do was watch.
On auto-mode, she took urgent steps out of the room, down the hall, ready to go after him, but came to an abrupt halt at Jason’s voice.
“Arrangements made?” Jason asked.
“Yeah,” Forrest's voice was solemn. “Mom is pretty bad. I’ll have to stop by there later.”
Footfalls echoed from downstairs. Claire envisioned the two men standing side by side. Jason, fair with steel blue eyes to Forrest’s dark hair and gray eyes. Such contrast in appearance, personality, yet so similar in their mannerisms.
“All right, man, wish you had let us come with you.”
“Some things are best done alone,” Forrest responded. His voice held a dark sad edge that made Claire shiver.
“Holding up okay?” Jason continued.
“Yeah.” The word came out flat and dull.
A lie, of course. Men were like that. They never shared their pain. But even from out of view, the sorrow in Forrest’s voice cut her. Claire remained standing in the same spot and listened, yearning to comfort him.
“Come on,” Forrest said a few seconds later. “Let’s go meet the others.”
“Is Claire staying with you?”
“No.” His definitive tone left no room for argument. “She’s going to Chappy today to her mom.” Then the door closed behind them.
For a few minutes, Claire remained in hallway, lost in the silence of the house, overwhelmed with emotion, pain, sadness, decisions made, and a loneliness that couldn’t be described.
Once upon a time she'd been welcome in his house. Not anymore.
The realization slipped down her throat, stealing her breath. It spilled into her heart like a cold shot, sending chills throughout her body. She stood there, frozen with sadness, left with no choice but to accept the wedge between them. A wedge built as high as possible, a result of her actions.
Claire stroked the permanent ink inside her wrist. She needed to promote Tattooed Hearts, her first movie, write and record the theme song. Instead here she was back on the Vineyard in the middle of winter, putting the career she spent years building on hold to run to someone who no longer wanted her.
Her life was a mess.
Releasing a deep breath, she headed to the room where she’d spent the night. She grabbed her phone and sent a group text to the three women she was closest to.
Lunch?
Lily response came first.
Most definitely. Vapor? Only place open in town.
But that meant she’d run into Forrest again. The town’s favorite bar, owned by Jason and Adam, was their usual meeting spot. She typed back.
Another option?
Her phone chirped. Lily texted back.
The boys are meeting at our house. I need to get away from Adam. He’s driving me crazy over this pregnancy.
Claire smiled. A doting Adam, now that she had to see. She typed back
Okay, Vapor it is.
Keely and Minka’s response came almost simultaneously.
See you at noon.
* * * *
At exactly noon, Claire pulled the Audi sedan into the empty parking spot one block down from Vapor, stepped onto the street and was greeted by an ominous silence. Not a soul on the street, no bird song typical on the island during warmer months could be heard. Instead, the harsh winter air prickled her skin with its ice-cold touch. Definitely different from her life in Los Angeles where temperatures in the fifties and sixties were considered freezing.
She tightened the wool scarf around her neck and headed in the direction of her friends’ bar. Her footsteps, the only sound to be heard, tapped away on the sidewalk of Main Street. She passed familiar shops. Boneyard, one of the many surf shops on the Vineyard, the independent bookstore, restaurants, wine and coffee shops, all closed for the winter. Everything was still, as if a magic spell had been cast over the island.
Pulling the door open, she stepped inside the town’s favorite tavern. A mixture of rustic and contemporary décor greeted her–brick, glass, and reclaimed hemlock wood throughout, vaulted ceiling exposing beautiful beams adorned by suspended lightbulb fixtures illuminating the space with a warm inviting glow, giving the eatery an upscale yet casual vibe. She scanned around the boisterous room, voices over one another, beer mugs clinking. Someone shouted, “To Luc.”
Goosebumps popped along her skin. The whole island was here celebrating the life of one of their own. She should have known. Vapor was one of the few places that stayed open year round, not because Adam and Jason needed to work, but the bar, centrally located in Edgartown, was the heart of the island. People gathered at Vapor for comfort.
On the Vineyard, comfort was key.
She moved farther into the room, toward the bar when she spotted her friends sitting at a corner table. Minka waved at her. Smiling, Claire switched direction.
“Well, look who the cat dragged back to the Vineyard and in the winter months too,” Lily said as the three women rose to their feet.
They staggered together for a big group hug, linking arms around their shoulders like a team huddle. For a minute, Claire closed her eyes and let the familiarity of her friends seep in. Although she spoke to them on a regular basis, nothing beat the good feeling of being surrounded by some of the people she trusted the most.
She stepped back and appraised each one of them. Underneath the sadness over Luc’s death, their faces flooded with euphoria. After a year-plus of marriage, Keely still had that blissful gleam, Minka radiated with happiness and quiet confidence, and Lily seemed to be glowing all over. They looked happy, in love, and at peace. Something pulled every string of Claire’s heart, not envy or jealousy but a yearning, an ache.
She was elated for each one of them, their road to happiness had not been easy but they got there. Forrest’s unemotional and stolidly calm disposition after their kiss flashed in her mind’s eye. Sadness panged from somewhere below her ribs. Yeah, that ship sailed. Once upon a time he’d been there, ready to give her everything her friends had. She walked away, actually she ran away.
Here and there, she managed to convince herself she left the island to chase her dream of becoming a singer, but in reality she’d been driven by insecurities. She was a chicken, a coward.
She brushed aside the little voice trying to tell her she wanted what her friends had—to wake up next to the same person every morning, the feet touching, the secret smiles. She turned to Lily and focused on her friend’s round belly. “Every pregnant woman should look like you.”
Lily stroked her belly, a joyous smile lighting her face. “Almost seven months.”
“I still wish I had designed your wedding dress,” Claire said with regret. Lily and Adam’s wedding had been spontaneous with the two of them and their parents.
“We’ll have a big party after we give birth.” Lily patted her stomach again. “You can design a kick-ass dress for me then.”
“It’s a deal.” Claire slid into the vacant seat. The other women followed. “How’s Adam doing?”
“A total pita,” Lily answered.
“Adam is a soft flatbread,” Claire teased her friend, knowing how much Lily loved Adam.
“Pain. In. The. Ass.” For added flair, Lily let out a heavy sigh. “He hovers and now…”
“Don’t tell us. No sex,�
� the three women said together.
Lily wrinkled her nose and laughter broke around the table. Claire welcomed the silliness.
“He’s hinting we might come to a halt. Something about the baby’s head and his you know what.” Lily grimaced.
“That’s scientifically impossible,” Keely said between giggles.
“Try telling him that.” Lily brushed her bangs away from her eyes. “He’s lucky I’m in love with him.”
“And your parents love him,” Minka added.
Lily rolled her eyes and picked up the menu. “Oh, yeah, that too.”
“Your brothers still haven’t come around?” Keely asked while scanning the menu.
“I think deep down they like him, but they get a kick out of giving him a hard time.”
The other three women nodded in agreement. Claire was acquainted with Max, one of Lily’s three brothers. From the few times their paths had crossed and discussed his sister’s marriage to one of her closest friends, she knew Adam had gained their trust. That of course didn’t mean he was free of Lily’s brothers putting him through the ringer.
“Good to see you ladies again.” Maxie, Vapor’s favorite waitress, greeted them with a warm smile. “What can I get for you?”
“Hi Maxie, aren’t you supposed to be in college?” Claire had practically watched Maxie grow up on the island. From what she remembered she was attending Boston College.
“I came to help out for the weekend.” She cleared her throat. “And to attend the funeral.”
Just as Maxie said that, a man in plaid shirt held his beer and shouted. “To Luc.”
Everyone rose their glasses and repeated the chant in Luc’s honor. Forrest’s father had been such an integral part in the community, in her life. On the farm, Luc had always been patient with her, showing her the ropes. Raw grief swept through Claire’s system. She loved Forrest’s father and now he was gone. Just like that. Death often came unannounced.
“Jason appreciates you doing this, Maxie,” Minka said in a solemn voice.
“So does Adam.” Lily added with a subdued sorrow in her voice.
“I love those guys.” Maxie smiled sadly at them. “I’m not missing a day of class. I’ll leave first thing Monday. What should I get for you? The French onion soup is tasty.”
“Well,” Claire said, handing the menu back to Maxie, “French onion soup it is, and that great warm butternut squash salad Vapor is known for.”
Once Maxie left, Lily took a sip of her decaffeinated tea and twisted her face in disgust. “This no caffeine thing is going to be the end of me.” She turned and hit Claire with that Lily stare that sees right through you. “Word on the street you and Forrest were kissing…again,” she added, a reminder Lily had witnessed the kiss Claire shared with Forrest the night of the wedding.
Keely placed her menu down and gave the conversation her full attention. Minka shot Lily an I’m-going-to-kill-you look, solidifying her role as the CEO of the rumor mill. Actually her good-looking husband Jason must have started the gossip. Not that it mattered. Self-deprivation was the only reason she never confided in Lily and Minka about Forrest. She’d convinced herself their fleeting romance was locked in the past vault, to be glanced upon only as a point of reference. Except she returned to face her demon and he’d shut her down.
She waved a dismissive hand. Nothing to dwell on. Only lately, actually always, her heart told her differently. No matter how many times she chided her heart that feelings were impermanent, nothing lasted forever, everything was temporary, even emotions; it never faltered.
“When I was seventeen and Forrest was twenty, we got drunk together,” she said softly. “I kissed him. I wanted more, but he was sober enough to stop me. He promised if I still wanted him when I turned eighteen, we could....” Her voice trailed. This stroll down Memory Lane and recalling some of the happiest time of her life sucked big time.
“The heart knows what the heart wants,” Keely said thoughtfully.
“A year later,” Claire continued. “On my eighteenth birthday, we made love.” She smiled, the night still so vivid in her mind. “We were both virgins.”
“No way,” Lily exclaimed. “Totally swoon worthy.”
“So romantic,” Minka added.
“He was on his way to medical school and here I was an eighteen-year-old virgin confessing my love.”
“But the two of you made love,” Minka whispered, “he had to feel something. Forrest is not the love them and leave them type. At least based on what I’ve seen so far.”
Claire knew that. He’d never been the casual type. “Once upon a time he used to be in love with me.”
“He’s still in love with you,” Keely said.
A smile touched Claire’s lips. She knew better. The physical desire might still be there, but the emotional connection they once shared no longer existed. “That summer, we were together. Only Jason was aware of our relationship.”
“Where were Adam and Blake?” Lily asked.
“Adam was in Italy with his parents and Blake didn’t come back that summer. He started law school.”
Lily and Minka nodded. They’d been undergrads at Harvard while Blake was in law school.
“A summer fling. Did Forrest break it off?” Minka asked with a slight frown.
“No,” Claire answered without a beat. “The day after we got tattoos in Boston, I left without saying goodbye. I went to New York first then L.A. He thought we were forever, but I left. I broke the deal.”
“Oh,” Minka and Lily whispered at the same time.
“There’s more to the story,” Keely added gently. She glanced at Claire, seeming to ask for permission. When her friend didn’t stop her, she continued. “The night of her eighteenth birthday, Claire overheard a conversation between Jason’s mother, Victoria, and her mother.” She stopped and looked at Claire again. “It’s your story, you should tell it.”
And so she did. It took her less than five minutes to summarize the conversation that changed her life forever. In the end, she chuckled, a sad sound from the back of her throat. “Yeah, I fucked up.” She lowered her gaze to her drink. “I hurt him, I know.” Her voice choked with emotion. God, she wanted a good cry.
“Does Jason know this about his mother?” Minka asked, a look of concern clouded her eyes.
Claire shook her head. She never held Victoria’s words against Jason or Charles. Actually, with time she even learned to forgive his mother. “Jason’s gone through enough dealing with Victoria’s mental health and everything.” The everything eventually led to self-destruction.
Minka chewed her lower lip in a way Claire knew to be an indication she was troubled by what she’d learned.
Claire shook her head again, this time more vehemently. “No need to tell him.”
Minka sighed and looked down at her hands. “He still struggles with her death.”
“And I don’t want to mar whatever good he has left of her,” Claire said gently. “He’s that big brother I never had.”
Minka nodded. “One day, you should tell him. But I’ll leave it at that for now.”
Maxie returned with their soups on a large tray. She placed the bowls on the table along with their drinks and disappeared.
“But you still want him. I saw that kiss the night of Minka’s wedding.” Lily studied her. “Is that why you’re back?”
They all knew she was supposed to be on a promotional tour. “I don’t know why I came back. I guess to either say goodbye or figure out where we go from here.” Not entirely true, her heart whispered. She took a break from her career and headed straight to his house. She had some kind of expectations. Hopes.
“Crappy timing though,” Keely suggested. “I mean, his father passed away yesterday. He’s vulnerable.”
The words from her friend almost sounded protective of Forrest, but Claire knew better. After years of friendship she knew Keely well enough to admit the woman had never been anything less than fair. She had a valid point, the ti
ming couldn’t be more inconvenient. “I didn’t know about Luc.”
“Your heart knew,” Lily the forever romantic, said gently. “You came back because you felt he needed you. Emotions are diet of the heart.”
Claire smiled. Lily and her grand idea of love. It might have worked for her and Adam, but…Claire shook her head. “I came back for my own selfish reasons.” She sighed. “Reasons that aren’t even clear to me anymore.”
Minka squeezed her hand. “You’ll figure it out.”
“He kissed you,” Lily pointed out. “He has to still feel something.”
“A momentary slip. Lust.”
Lily nodded with a knowing look. For a while her relationship with Adam had been purely physical. “I’ve been there, but look at me and Adam now.”
“You’ve never hurt Adam. If anything you saved him.”
“Are you still staying at his place?” Keely asked after a short silence.
“No, I’m going back to Chappy today.” Claire picked up her spoon and gave the squash soup a stir. “Last night wasn’t the most welcome reception, which is understandable now I know what he was going through. I’ll stay for the funeral.”
“Well, we’re glad you’re here,” Keely said warmly. “No matter for how long.”
She shared a connection with these women that transcended time and distance. Her career brought many people into her life, some genuine and some out for their best interest. But her friendship with Lily, Minka, and Keely kept her grounded. They understood she was a frayed knot. Jason, Blake and Adam still resided in that place labeled for family in her life, but lately, she found herself gravitating more toward the women in their lives. “I’m glad to be back too.”
No matter for how long.
Chapter Eight
“Love-Once rooted in the heart, it never dies.”
Marjorie Desvareaux
To enter the cemetery Claire had to skirt around a pile of brown, frosted leaves. Small white ice crystals covering the ground crunched with every footstep, echoing every person’s pain. Today, the island had come to a halt to mourn one of their own. Even those who escaped the grim winter had return to bid farewell before being permanently separated with their friend by six feet of earth.
