Aunt Tiger was unusually quiet. "Do you know who will teach me?" I asked.
"Yes, I think it will be Narita Sensei." My eyes opened wide with terror, and I stopped. The thought of seeing anyone having to do with Captain Narita sent shivers through me. "Yes," she said, "she is Captain Naritas wife and she has been teaching the first grade for many years." I said nothing. I was too frightened. She tried to comfort me. "I know her. Maybe I can see her and I'll tell her that you're my niece." We turned off the main street of Kirimni and walked down a long narrow road. "We have to speak Japanese now. People might hear us," she whispered. Now I really did not want to go. I could understand Japanese, but I had never spoken a word of it, and I didn't want to. I squeezed Aunt Tiger's hand and she squeezed mine back.
I thought of the chuckling Buddha that I had seen when I was at Grandfather's bedside; the little Buddha had made me feel happier when I had been so worried about Grandfather I needed to see this happy little Buddha again, and so I closed my eyes and rubbed them hard. I saw stars of many different colors, but I could not see the chuckling Buddha. I kept rubbing and rubbing my eyes. Suddenly, I saw a huge stone Buddha come falling through the starry skies. With a great crash, it landed right in front of me. I stared at tHe stone statue sitting so serenely. He looked like Grandfather. The other students in the street began to shout with glee and gather around the statue. The Japanese police and Captain Narita c a me running over and shouted at us They tried to move the statue, but it would not budge. The students clapped their hands and began rolling with laughter as they watched the Imperial police struggle fruitlessly The police mumbled and yelled They looked at each other then at the students and finally broke into laughter They laughed and laughed They took off their swords and guns and threw them by the side of the road.
Aunt Tiger shook me and said, "What's the matter? Come on, we have to keep going. What's that strange smile on your face? Why are you walking with your eyes closed like that? Do you feel all right?" I nodded my head and opened my eyes. I was sad that I could not continue my daydream, but I felt better. "I tell you, in all my days, I have never met two more unusual children than you and your little brother. Did you hear the advice that Inchun gave you? What a little old man! One minute you two are daydreaming children, and the next, you're wise old adults. I don't know what to make of you two anymore."
Up ahead loomed the big gray schoolhouse. High stone walls surrounded the building, and the gate was half closed. Aunt Tiger asked the guard if she could stay and speak to Narita Sensei. The uniformed guard laughed heartily. "You Korean peasant! You want to speak to our Imperial teacher!" Aunt Tiger's face turned red and she shouted in Korean, "Imperial teacher, haa! Narita Sensei used to sell fish in Hokkaido." I pushed her away and begged her to go as I watched the guard's jaw muscles tighten with fury. Mumbling under her breath, Aunt Tiger left me.
The students were standing in a series of straight lines, the boys on one side of the school yard and the girls on the other. I looked around and slipped into the middle of the line of girls by the wall in front of the sign that said "First Grade." Lined up in size order from little to big they stood at attention like little soldiers. I was afraid to go to the front where I belonged, and no one said a word to me. Along one wall were piles and piles of sand bags. Neatly arranged along the other wall was a row of bamboo sticks with sharpened points.
One girl then turned to me and whispered in Japanese, "Is this your first day?" I nodded my head and must have looked confused. "You don't speak Japanese?" I nodded my head again. The girl mumbled in Korean, "You are a strange one." I was delighted to hear her speak Korean and my face must have lit up. Encouraged by my response, she introduced herself. "My name is Unhi. I'm warning you, this is the last time you'll hear me speak Korean. We'll get in trouble if Narita Sensei hears us. You never know if someone will tattle to the teacher. Anyway you'd better move to the front where all the midgets are." She gave me a little push.
The other girls who were mutely standing in line looked at Unhi with displeasure. Unhi ignored them. Though her manner was gruff, I knew I had made a friend. I did not even have a chance to tell her my name. When I went to the front, a girl grabbed me. "You are shorter than I am. Come here." She was delighted to find someone shorter than she was, and I suddenly found myself at the head of the line. I hated being the first in line and stood there trembling.
The main doors of the schoolhouse were just ahead of me, and I saw all the teachers coming out and walking toward us. There were some young ones as well as several older ones wearing gold-rimmed glasses. I was anxious to see which one was our teacher. There was suddenly complete silence in the yard, and then a skinny boy in a gray uniform that seemed too big for him marched to the center of the yard and shouted in Japanese, "Attention!" Everyone stiffened. He shouted another command, and everyone bowed from the waist. A short thin woman in a dark blue and white Japanese kimono with a cherry blossom print stood directly in front of me. Her hair was carefully arranged in a bun that looked like a large doughnut sitting on top of her head. She looked me over from head to toe with disdain. I looked up at her before quickly forcing my gaze back to the ground. I knew they didn't like it when Koreans looked them in the eye. So this is Narita Sensei, I thought to myself. Her icy glare resembled her husband's, and she too wore gold-rimmed glasses.
The boy who had shouted the commands resumed his place in line. A thin older man mounted the podium in the center of the yard and shouted, "Face east." All the students turned to the right and faced a pedestal on which something sat shrouded by a curtain with a golden tassel. The man at the podium lifted a baton, and suddenly the familiar Japanese national anthem, the "Kimigayo," came blaring over the loudspeaker. I knew the song by heart. I had learned it with my three older brothers after Hanchun had come back from his first day of school with bruises for not having known the words. I knew all the words, but I just mouthed them. I couldn't bring myself to speak the language of Captain Narita. Suddenly I realized Narita Sensei had bent down and put her ear next to my mouth. I tried to sing out, but I just couldn't. No sound would come forth. She glared at me and the sun reflecting off her gold-rimmed glasses blinded me. I cleared my throat hoping it would help, but still no sound I wished the song would stop but it on and on Narita Sensei jabbed me in the side with the ruler hidden in the sleeve of her kimono I started to cry I didn't know why I wasn't able to sing. I wanted to. I wanted to do whatever I was told just as Mother and Aunt Tiger had instructed me.
After the "Kimigayo" was finally over, a different hoy went to the center of the yard. He shouted, "Attention!" Then he bowed to the man at the podium. All the other students did the same. The man at the podium was Principal Watanabe. He clapped his hands and then walked over to the shrine on the pedestal and pulled the gold tope ceremoniously. Everyone looked up reverently as the curtain parted. He performed this duty as if it were the most sacred and important thing in his life. The curtain was slowly opened and behind it was a small wooden shrine. He then opened the little door. The Japanese god's image was enshrined there, but we couldn't anything. Everyone, including the teachers and the principal, stood at attention facing this shrine. We always faced east, for that was where the sun rises and the direction in which the Japanese Emperor's palace was situated in Japan.
Principal Watanabe clapped his hands and we all bowed. I still hoped to see what was in the shrine, and so I did not bow as deeply as I should have. Narita Sensei whacked me on the head with her ruler. "The Heavenly Emperor is too divine to be gazed upon by human eyes," she rasped. My face burned and I felt hot tears filling my eyes. The students began to recite the pledge that also was so familiar to me: "We the fortunate subjects of Imperial Japan pledge our undying loyalty and good wishes for the prosperity and good health of the Heavenly Emperor and his empire where the sun will never set. We wish for the victory of the heavenly Japanese soldiers and the defeat of the White Devils."
The curtain was slowly drawn shut and the "Kimigayo" pl
ayed again as we marched to our respective rooms. My head hurt and my throat was dry from trying to swallow my tears. No one had ever hit me before. I wanted to go home. We stood in line for a long time, waiting for all the upperclassmen to file in to their classrooms first. Finally, Narita Sensei started walking, and the girl behind me nudged me to follow. We went into a clean classroom with a shiny wooden floor. We took off our shoes and arranged them neatly in the shelves by the door.
Like porcelain dolls, all the girls sat in their seats with their hands folded. They stared straight ahead at the blank chalkboard. There were no extra seats, so I quickly went to a comet and sat quietly on the floor hoping to stay out of trouble for the test of the day. I had thought there might be a minute or two to chat and meet the other girls, but I was mistaken. Narita Sensei sat at her wooden desk and fussed about arranging her belongings. Then she took out her black book and surveyed the class. She motioned for me to come to her. "Aoki Shizue," she said. I didn't say anything. That was not my name. I knew my brothers had Japanese names that they used at school, but at home we called them by their Korean names or Christian baptismal names. To me they were just "oppa," which meant "older brother." I knew our last name was "Aoki" in Japanese, hut I was not used to "Shizue." I stood before her, feeling confused and afraid.
Narita Sensei banged her ruler on her desk, which sent a pencil flying. It hit me in the eye and I started to cry. I wished she would let me go and sit down. Instead, she shouted, "You refuse to talk to your Sensei?" Unhi rushed up and said something to Sensei. This made Sensei even angrier. She pounded on her desk, and motioned for Unhi to sit down. I learned that the worst thing one could do was to speak up for your friend. We were to mind our own business at all times. Narita Sensei resumed the class. Everyone's name was called. Mine was called again and I answered as all the other children had by saying, "Hai, Sensei" and raising my right hand. I knew I had no choice. My baptismal name and my Korean name would be used only at home from now on. Here I would have to answer to this strange Japanese name; I was someone I did not want to he and I had to pretend.
We then had to sing the "Kimigayo" all over again and pledge our undying devotion to the Emperor. I was relieved that I had learned the pledge, for Narita Sensei was watching me carefully. I did not want to get my family in trouble. I knew that if I did not behave, they might cut our rice ration or do something worse. Captain Narita knew exactly how best to punish us. I thought of how pale my mother looked that morning, and how skinny Inchun looked. They couldn't take much more.
Finally, it was time to sit down and open out notebooks. I went back to my place on the floor. I wanted only to stay out of Narita Sensei's sight. Sensei put up two poster-boards. One was a picture of two Japanese pilots standing in front of a shiny airplane with Japanese flags painted on the wings. The other was a picture of two tall American soldiers in green fatigues, their faces painted black. Their planes were dirty and dilapidated. Narita Sensei pointed to the Japanese soldiers and had us repeat after her, "Hikoki, hikoki, gawai hikoki," which meant, "Airplane, airplane, pretty airplane." Then, pointing to the other picture, she said, "The White Devils are losing the war. See how funny they look." She laughed and the children imitated her. She moved her pointer back and forth from one picture to the other, and I watched the children reciting these chants over and over as if they were familiar old songs. Narita Sensei smiled. "Well done, children," she said.
One by one she called on every child to come up to the front of the classroom and lead the recitation. Unhi went first. She did exactly as she was told and the class repeated after her, and then the next girl went up. I looked at them in astonishment. How could they repeat these ridiculous slogans so easily? I felt sorry for them, and I wondered if these little girls really believed what they were saying. I was glad that I knew something about America.
There was no break from these tedious recitations. I wanted to go to the bathroom, but did not dare attract attention. As I was out of her line of vision, Narita Sensei seemed to have forgotten me. I was grateful to be left alone; I didn't care that I didn't have a desk or chair. As I listened to Narita Sensei's shrill voice, I looked around. I saw one girl wiggling in her chair. Pretty soon, a little puddle formed beneath her. I looked around the room and counted four other little puddles. I looked up at their faces and saw them continuing to recite their lessons as if nothing were wrong. I couldn't wait much longer myself and I sat squeezing my legs together hoping that I could manage to wait until she let us out.
Narita Sensei called on yet another girl to come up to the front of the room and lead the recitation. The girl had wet her pants. She was ashamed, and just sat in her chair, looking nervous and frightened. Narita Sensei whacked her ruler against the side of her desk and shouted at the girl to come up to the board. The girl stood up. The back of her skirt was dripping wet. Narita Sensei looked at her in disgust and asked the whole class to take out their cleaning bags. Each girl had a little bag with some rags and some polishing wax. The children started to push all the chairs and tables back to one side of the classroom, and got on their hands and knees to wax the whole floor. It all seemed very routine to them. No one spoke. Those who had wet their pants seemed relieved to clean up the little puddles they had made.
I stood and watched. She made us all feel worthless and ashamed of ourselves. Unhi saw me and quickly tossed me a rag and part of her stick of wax. We crawled about the floor polishing it as best we could. When we finished, the girls arranged all the desks and chairs, and put their rags and sticks of wax neatly in their desks. They sat quietly and waited for Narita Sensei to continue with the lessons. I was amazed at their efficiency. I knew that this would soon become routine for me, too.
I took my place on the floor. After a long while, Narita Sensei looked up at the class and said with a big smile, "You Koreans are so good at following orders. You are lucky that the Japanese soldiers are here to protect you from the White Devils, aren't you?" "Hai, Sensei!" the children shouted in unison. "Remember your happiness depends on the victory of the Imperial soldiers," she said as the bell rang. Our hands were dirty and caked with wax, but we sat and ate our lunches in silence. I tried to take out the splinter in my finger. Then like the others, I started eating my lunch.
Narita Sensei left the room and an older girl came in to watch us. I looked over at the little girl who had put me at the head of the line. She had been one of the girls who had wet her pants. I felt sorry for her. I noticed she had no lunch box. All she had to eat were two little rice balls sprinkled with salt. I pushed my lunch box over toward her. There were still some beans left, and a bit of egg. It smelled so good because Mother had cooked with a little bit of sesame oil, and I knew the little girl would like some. The big girl saw me sharing my lunch, and immediately took it away. She walked out with it, and that was the last time I saw the beautiful lunch box that Grandfather had made. Later Unhi grabbed me and said, "Mind your own business. Never help any of the other girls in the class. It's a bad thing to do. Just take care of yourself."
After lunch, the whole school gathered in the yard. The June sun was hot, but I was glad to be out of that classroom. We were given big burlap bags and told to fill them with sand and pile them against the wall. After about an hour of this, a voice over the loudspeaker said, "That's enough. Now get those stones and pile them up near the sand bags. When the White Devils come, we need those stones to throw at them." I looked at the boys on the other side of the yard, and saw that they were doing something with the bamboo poles. "Line those bamboo spears neatly against the wall," said the voice over the loudspeaker "Remember when the White Devils each must grab one and stab them."
That was my first day of school. When I went home, Mother did not ask me any questions. She looked at my dirty hands and my sunburnt face. I knew she saw that I didn't have my lunch box. I told her about my new Japanese name and I asked her to call me by my Korean name at home as often as she could. I started to sob. "Sookan, Sookan," she murmured as she h
eld me tightly in her arms and rocked me gently. Her body felt very hot against mine, and I knew she was sick. "The war will he over soon and the Japanese will leave, right Mother?"
"Yes, yes, soon," she replied. "Soon it'll all be better" Exhausted from the afternoon, I tested my head on Mother's lap as I listened to her reassuring words. How glad I was to be at home for the evening.
I wished morning would never come, but it did, all too soon. I felt like announcing, "I am not going to that horrible place again this morning." But I knew if I didn't go to school, my family would be in trouble with Captain Narita and the police. She handed me two little balls of rice and millet wrapped in a damp white handkerchief to keep them moist. She forced a smile. Quietly, I took my lunch and left for school. I thought of all the other girls in my class who had to endure this with me. They had been there much longer than I had. Maybe it won't be so bad today, I kept thinking as I walked along the streets Aunt Tiger had shown me.
I headed straight to school. I didn't rub my eyes and try to see Grandfather, the big stone statue, or the chuckling Buddha. I wasn't as afraid as I had been the day before. I just felt tired and miserable. I had not gotten very far when someone came and tapped me on the shoulder. It was the little girl with whom I had tried to share my lunch. She looked around to make sure no one was listening and whispered in Korean, "I'm sorry to have made you first in line. Maybe we should measure who's taller ... we can put these books on our heads and see." She told me that if we were not perfectly lined up in size order, the whole class would be punished. It was our responsibility. I thanked her and told her that it didn't really matter to me where I stood in line; it was all the same to me She nodded and told me her name was Oknyul. I did not ask her Japanese name; we weren't allowed to talk to each other at school anyway Oknyul then walked away, as we were not supposed to speak Korean in public. I followed her into the school yard and silently took my place in front of her.
Year of Impossible Goodbyes Page 6
