“Not half as beautiful as you! Get well soon, and for sure, we’ll all go party big time when you’re well!”
“Todd?”
“Yeah?”
“Just remember to be a gentleman. Women liked to be treated well and with respect. Watch the f bombs…not too many of them….just remember that, okay?”
“K! I’ll make you proud! Oh, by the way, Kyra gave me this T-shirt…pretty tight, huh?”
“Yeah, something like that!”
“You, something like that better get your something like that ass out of here and get well!”
He kisses me and he’s off to take Kyra on their date. In my mind, I’m thinking way ahead and way too much into this. Kyra O’Malley…that sounds really good…it works! Todd is obviously taken with this gal, and I can’t wait to meet her. The nurse brings my pain meds and I don’t hesitate. I’m definitely ready for them. It’s been a long day and I’m really hurting bad, but happy, so happy for Todd! Ash comes over and sits on my bed with me.
“Liv, time to go to sleep. You need to rest. I’ll be working on the couch. Sure wish I could be in the bed with you, but know that I’m just over here. I love you, honey!”
“Love you back more, Ash! Gonna sleep for a while!”
I stay in the hospital for another week. The infection has finally been contained and it’s time to go home. I’ll have to make lots of changes to my lifestyle, though. Dr. Chen and Dr. Scott tell me that I have to be on a bland, no fat diet. I can’t drink alcohol or caffeine for awhile, until my system gets used to not having a gall bladder. They tell me it’s going to have to involve me making some changes in the way I eat.
Fortunately, Ash has Reba coming every day now. Really not necessary, but Ash insists. It’s good to have someone making meals for me, though, I’ll have to admit, and I like the company. Ash is working on a case and he leaves for North Carolina tomorrow for a week.
“Hon, I’ll be back in a week. It’ll go by fast, I promise. Reba will be here and Ellen said she’ll come by and visit.”
I’ve taken a temporary leave from work and hope to get back part-time very soon. I love my job, and though Ash wants me to quit, I just can’t. I love working; I love my job and my independence!
I’m sad, because Ash is leaving today. We go into the kitchen for coffee…well, him coffee, and me, decaf tea. “Mornin’, Sunshine! Feeling okay?”
“Feeling fine! Better every day. Gonna miss you though!”
“Not half as much as I’ll miss you!” We say our goodbyes and he promises to call and text me often. I busy myself reading and researching my new diet requirements on the Internet. Reba has been so wonderful getting meals ready for me and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her!
Chapter 31
Early in the evening, my phone rings. It’s the Maroon Five ringtone, “One More Night,” and Todd’s name comes up on the caller ID. It makes me laugh every time he calls me.
“Olivia?”
“Yeeessss, hey Todd! What’s up?” I ask.
“Is Mr. H. home?”
“No, honey, he’s out of town for a week. You can call him on his cell though.”
“Well, actually, I was calling for you. That’s why I called your phone.”
I laugh and answer him. “Well, duh. That makes sense. Everything okay?”
“Yeah, have you had dinner yet?” He asks.
“I was just fixing to heat me up some of the bland food Reba made me, why?”
“Well, I was gonna head over to talk, if that’s okay. You can’t have takeout Chinese food?” Wishing I could have Chinese food, I answer, “Unfortunately, no, I have to eat cardboard bland food. One of the perks of not having a gall bladder. But you can grab some and come over, or I’d be happy to make you something.”
“Nawww, I’ll just grab something and head on over. You don’t mind?”
“Of course not! Come over!” I say.
“K. Be there soon!”
I’m sensing something’s wrong by the tone in his voice. When he gets here, he gives me a hug.
“So what are the lovebirds up to, tonight?” I ask.
“They went out to dinner and in to the city to listen to some music.”
“So, your man friend hasn’t been available too much lately, huh?” I say.
“Naw, not much. They’re pretty much together twenty-four/seven. It’s all good, though. They’re spending as much time together as they can before we go on the road.”
I put my arm around him and sense he’s got something on his mind.
“So, what’s new in Todd O’Malley’s world?” I ask.
For some reason, he’s not his usual cocky, sarcastic self. I see that he has tears in his eyes and he immediately sits down on the bottom stair, putting his head in his hands “Olivia, God I think I screwed up big time.”
“What? Why?” I ask.
“I just fucked up really bad!”
“Todd! What happened? Are you in some kind of trouble?”
“No, but I fuckin’ took her virginity Olivia! I’m the worst fucking dick scum bag ever!”
“Kyra? You mean Kyra?” I ask.
“Yeah I fuckin’ took it from her. She was a virgin, Was, and now she’s not anymore, all because of me. Jesus! I had no fucking idea she’d never had sex. She’s twenty-five fucking years old, for God’s sake. I don’t even think I know a virgin. The last one I knew was in junior high school, and I had her. Geez!”
I sit down on the step next to him and have to ask the question. “You didn’t force yourself on her Todd did you?”
“Oh hell no! It was nothing like that. It was all consensual, but I can’t believe I let it happen. I should have just stopped it before it happened. Once I knew she was a virgin, I should have just gotten the fuck up and fucking ass left. But I didn’t—I let it go too far and it’s all my fault! I mean, shit, Olivia! We’re fixing to go out on tour for months and I have nothing to offer her. God! Why did I do it? Why didn’t I just stop it?”
I put my arm around him and say, “Come on. Get up. Let’s go in the kitchen and I’ll make some tea. You want a beer?”
He says yes to a beer and follows me to the kitchen with his takeout food.
“Todd, look, first of all, you do have a lot to offer. Don’t ever say otherwise. You’re a great guy. Do you have feelings for her?” I ask.
“Olivia, she’s the first girl I’ve ever been with who I actually do have feelings for. I mean, hell for all I know, I could be in love with her, that’s how amazing she is. I want her around me every damn day, but now I’ve scarred her for life and I fucking don’t know what to do. With virginity there are no take-backs”. He slams his fist on the counter “Jesus Christ! I fucking hate myself!”
When he slams the counter, it startles me. “When did this happen?” I ask.
“Three days ago.”
“And, you’ve talked about it since, I hope?”
“No, see, that’s the thing, I haven’t called her. I’ve tried, I’ve dialed her number so fucking many times, but I can’t go through with it. I feel so damn bad, and I don’t know what to say. I haven’t told anyone but you.”
“Todd! Wait so you just left afterwards? Seriously? I mean why? I thought you said you cared about her!”
“I do care for her Olivia! I left because I was scared shitless. I care for her more than you know! It’s scary, because I hurt so fucking bad for her. I feel awful! And not having her around is killing me. Being with her makes me feel whole. I mean, I know we just met, but she makes me feel like I’m something special. And she’s special and means the world to me. It’s a connection I can’t explain, but I’m a different man around her. Knowing that I was her first, well that’s pretty fucking mind-blowing, too, and it makes me feel that much closer to her. She actually makes me want to be a good person, but I fucking failed that didn’t I? I’ve been a fucked up mess for the past three days. I don’t know what to say to her. I mean, what can I say? I’m sorry I fucked you and
fucked your life up? I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I’m dying here, Olivia. All I’ve been able to do is write. I’ve been writing for the past three days.”
“Writing, as in a song?” I ask.
“Yeah, it’s the only way I can get my feelings out. I just don’t know what to do, Olivia.”
I stand up and put my hands on his shoulders. “Well, I know exactly what you should do. Before you and I talk any further, you need to take your beer, march your butt upstairs and call her. You’ve got to do this. Make this right, Todd. I can’t believe you just took her virginity and left her hanging out in the cold. You say you’re hurting bad, but think about her? How must she be hurting about now? I’d imagine she’s pretty darn miserable. Look, she gave this to you freely, but it’s up to you to make her realize she made the right choice. She’s probably feeling like the biggest fool in the world about now and you owe it to her to let her know you care about her. She gave you herself—body and soul, which was a gift to you, so accept that gift, Todd. Open the box and cherish what you got from it. Go on! Make the call and we’ll talk after. Go on!” I gently push him out of the kitchen.
“Olivia, I don’t know if I can do that. I’m pretty freaked out and I’m afraid I’ll get emotional…you know that I’ll just lose it. And what if I say the wrong thing?”
I take his face in my hands. “Well, I imagine she’s pretty freakin’ freaked out and emotional right now, as well”
He looks at me and asks, as if he knows the answer and is looking for reassurance, “So you really think I should call her, Olivia?”
I look him straight in the eye, “Ummm, I think you should have called her three days ago, Todd. Let’s just hope she’ll take your call. But you’ll never know until you just do it. Go on.”
I put my arm around him and walk him to the stairs. Reluctantly, he goes up to the music room, closes the door and makes the call. I’m guessing she answered, because he stays up there for over an hour. During that time, Ash calls me. “What’s up, honey? Feeling okay? Missing me?”
“Yes, and yes! Missing you so much! Feeling fine. I just ate, and Todd came over to visit.”
“Well, how sweet. You guys having a nice visit?”
I certainly am not going to go into details right now with Ash. Part of the reason Todd and I have such a good relationship is that we trust each other and I would never breathe a word about this to anyone, just as I know he holds my revelations to him in confidence.
“Yeah, we’re having a great visit! He just stopped by to check on me.”
“Well, enjoy your visit and call or text me when you’re in bed. Did you take your medicine?”
“Yes, I did. And I ate all my supper. Reba’s been taking such good care of me. I’m getting spoiled rotten!”
“Well, save some spoiling for me. I’ve not spoiled you nearly as much as I intend to! Have I told you how much I love you today?”
“No, Mr. Harper, you haven’t…I’m waiting...”
“Well, Olivia, Mine, love of my life, I love you with every bit of feeling I have and I miss you so damn much! Call or text me once Todd leaves and you get settled in for the night.”
“Will do. Oh, and I love you back with every bit of feeling and then some! Oh, and by the way, have I told you lately just how sexy you are? Because you are, you know.”
When I get off the phone with Ash, I start thinking back to the night I lost my own virginity. The guy I lost it to was by no means a Todd. Though he was my steady boyfriend, I seriously don’t think he gave it one iota of thought as to what it did to me other than hurt. There was no earth shattering, planet aligning moment. He wasn’t tender or particularly gentle. It hurt. Bad. He was satisfied. I bled. I hurt. This is it? I thought. This is what it’s all about? And he certainly didn’t hold me afterwards or tell me I meant the world to him. Or tell me he was glad that he was “the one.” None of that. Nada. I remember lying on the blanket afterwards, looking up at the stars, looking for some justification for what I’d just done and what I didn’t have left. Todd was right. There are no take-backs. I’d let both myself and my mother down. She’d preached to me incessantly about how a girl was supposed to keep herself pure for her wedding night, pure for the man she marries. Unfortunately, now I would not be that girl.
It was a summer night and I was only seventeen. He was nineteen and already out of high school. We had gone to the drive in movie. I had an eleven o’clock curfew and my folks were pretty strict about me adhering to it. It was nine o’clock, the movie wasn’t over, but we left early and went driving out on a country road by the creek. It was so dark. He got a blanket out of the back of his metallic blue Volkswagen beetle and laid it on the sand by the creek. We started kissing and touching. And somehow, it just happened. I certainly didn’t plan on doing it. Thank God it didn’t last long. When he finished, he climbed off of me and said he should probably get me back home so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Immediately afterwards, I felt so guilty for doing it. I remember staring out the window all the way back to my house and I couldn’t wait to get in my room because my eyes were filled with tears. I couldn’t let him or my parents see me cry. When he dropped me off at my house, he simply asked if I was okay. I lied and said that I was. We didn’t talk about it that night or ever again. I went into the house and straight into the bathroom, took my panties off, saw the blood, put them in a paper bag and threw them in the trash. Thrown away, just like my virginity. And then I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
He and I broke up by the end of the summer. He was going away to college and said that he didn’t think we could do the long distance thing and besides, I needed to enjoy my senior year of high school. So that, in a nutshell was how I lost my virginity.
After about an hour and a half, Todd comes downstairs and I can tell he’s been crying. Curiosity is killing me.
“So?” I ask, “How did it go?”
“Olivia, I hope you don’t mind if I bail out on you, but I’m gonna head on over to Kyra’s. We need to talk.”
“Todd, please, if you care about her, just do me one favor and let her know.”
“I do care about her so goddamn much, Olivia.”
“Well, then, make her realize that she made the right decision. Take her in your arms, hold her, and kiss her, whatever it takes to reassure her that she gave it up to the right guy. Promise me?”
He nods his head and puts his arm around me as we walk to the front door. “I will. You’ve got my word. God, I love you! You’re simply the best woman I know. That’s why I can always talk to you. You’re not judgmental. You just get me. No one gets me like you do, not even the guys, and I really appreciate your friendship. You’re fucking amazing, and I mean it!”
“Awwwww, you mean a lot to me too and you’re pretty amazing yourself! Hey, hold on a second.” I go into the kitchen and pluck some pretty blooms from the many flower arrangements I got in the hospital. I tie the blooms with a pretty piece of ribbon, go into the wine room and grab a nice bottle of wine. He’s waiting for me by the front door. I hold them out to him. “Here, you go. Flowers and a good bottle of wine will get you in the door for sure. The rest is up to you, my friend. Call me tomorrow?”
“Will do! Thanks Olivia, for everything…you’re the BEST!” He kisses me on the cheek. I hug his neck. “Just go make it right! Call me tomorrow, and remember, when you’re ready, I’d love to hear your song.” He gives me a thumbs up and drives out of the driveway.
The next day, Todd calls me bright and early as I’m having my breakfast. The ringtone makes me laugh, as it always does.
“Olivia?”
I smile. “Hey Todd! I’m hoping you’ve got good news?”
“Yeah, something like that. Sorry, but I’m stealing your line babe! And, just to let you know, I took your advice.”
“And?”
“And, she pretty much told me I was a scumbag. She said she always thought guys in bands were assholes and I just proved her point.”
“Ouch
!”
“Yeah, ouch. She was right, though. I sat there and let her call me all kinds of shitty things. She pretty much called me every name in the book. Hell, I deserved it though. I just sat there and took it, took it like a man. She said I broke her heart, fucking broke her heart Olivia!”
“Well, what did you expect? I told you she was hurting.”
“Yeah, and I feel so bad because she’s fucking got so much shit going on with her school work and I had to complicate things.”
“Well, I’m hoping your talk made things better?” He sounds like himself again, and I’m so glad.
“You were right and yes, we’re better today. I actually think things are going in the right direction. We talked until about four in the morning. I ended up staying at her place last night. No sex or anything, but I held her all night. It felt so damn good to just fucking hold her. It felt, well, right. I’ve never just held a girl all night before, not that way anyway. And I told her how I feel. I even cried. I cried because she cried and it just fucking tore my heart out. I never meant to hurt her and I promised that I would make it up to her. I told her how sorry I was, and how I want us to work things out, that I want her in my life. I told her things about myself that no one knows, not even you. You don’t mind if I tell you things like this, do you?”
“Todd, no, I don’t mind at all! You can always talk to me, you know that! And hey, maybe sometime soon, I’ll tell you about the night I lost my virginity.”
“Hey, you’d really share that with me?”
“Yeah, something like that. I’ve never told anyone about it before, you know.”
“No one? Not even your best girlfriend?”
“Nope. No one. You’ll be my first!” I chuckle.
“Well, I’m honored that you’d share that with me, and I would really like to hear about it. Jesus, I must be really special, then.”
“You are special! Oh, and just a heads up Todd…if and when you do have sex again with her, just make sure it’s making love and not sex, okay? And, please, I don’t need the gory details!”
Out of The Box Awakening Page 38
