“Run along,” Chloe Donnelly said, and I shook my head in disbelief. This was the girl who’d stolen a scarf for me because she said it matched my eyes, who’d talked Nan into letting me have a sleepover, who’d helped me pick out clothes to win over Mateo, who’d said I was pretty and told Eve I was her best friend. And now she was looking at me like I didn’t exist.
I lifted my chin and dragged my hair away from my face. “Fine,” I said, glancing one more time at Mateo, who finally looked at me with fear in his eyes. Fear of Chloe Donnelly. I looked back at her one more time. “Interesting way you have of making friends.” Then I turned and headed toward the arts building.
I was done.
* * *
I didn’t hear from Mateo until Saturday night, and then it wasn’t a text but him stopping by Nan and Pops’s house before dinner. They’d been lecturing me about how I was avoiding calls from my parents, and the doorbell was a welcome relief from the guilt. My face practically cracked in half when I opened the door and saw that lip ring.
“I texted you last night,” I said as I led Mateo into the living room, trying not to wince when he looked at the perfectly folded throw blanket and the cross-stitch pillows on the sofa. My house couldn’t scream Old people live here! any more. Nan and Pops were puttering in the kitchen, pretending they were finishing cooking dinner, even though I was 100 percent certain they were eavesdropping. I turned up the volume on the TV so all they’d be able to hear were muffled voices.
Mateo shrugged. “I lost my phone sometime after the game. I went back to the college to look for it, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I’ll probably need to get a new one. Sucks.”
I tried to look bummed out, but I was secretly pretty psyched there was a good explanation for his text silence. I could barely sleep last night thinking maybe we weren’t going to be a thing after all.
“Why are you smiling?” he asked, pressing his thigh against mine as he sat next to me on the old-people sofa, Fox News a buzzing din in the background.
Busted. My face was total crap at hiding my emotions. “Nothing,” I said. “Just glad you’re okay. We’re okay.”
He took my hand. “We’re okay. But how come you backed out on the game? It’s going to make things with us hard.”
I sighed. “Holly and Eve were supposed to back out too. I thought if we all bailed, it would be over with Chloe Donnelly. That she wouldn’t be able to find three other girls to play.”
He squeezed my hand, his thumb pushing into the fleshy muscle between my thumb and pointer finger. “But they didn’t back out.”
I squeezed his hand back, feeling like our hands were having a whole conversation that my grandparents didn’t know about. “No. Chloe said something to Holly. I don’t know what it was, but Holly was all pasty and weird after they talked. And then Eve . . . I don’t know. I guess she would never side with me over Holly and Chloe Donnelly.”
“Yeah, and something happened with Cam too. He was so pissed when I first got back to the library.”
My pits got sweaty and my face burned hot. No way was I going to tell him about seeing Cam on his knees in front of Chloe Donnelly, particularly with my grandparents one room away and able to butt in at any time. Mateo touched my cheek with his thumb.
“You’re blushing.”
My cheeks heated even more. “I do that so much. I want the game to be over. I want Chloe Donnelly to disappear so you and I can . . .”
I couldn’t finish. I didn’t even really know what he and I could do. Was everything too much to ask? Because for the first time, I thought I might like to do everything. I wasn’t scared with Mateo. He’d taken my fears and smoothed them out with his own trust, so all that was left of me when I sat next to him was want, want, want.
“I wish she’d go away too,” he said, his lip ring inching up with his smile. “We just have to ride it out until she’s sick of it. Maybe her parents will decide to move back to Chicago.”
“Do you . . . ?” I swallowed and started again. “Who do you think she’ll replace me with?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Depends who she has dirt on. Maybe she won’t replace you at all. Maybe she’ll keep two letters herself. She certainly acts like she’s untouchable.”
Untouchable. Was anyone really untouchable? If Chloe Donnelly had proven nothing else, it was that everyone had something that could be used against them. Except me. Which I guess was what made me expendable rather than untouchable. I was completely unnecessary to this girl and this game.
“Maybe.”
“Listen,” Mateo lowered his voice. “All that’s happened with us . . . I’m glad about it. I like you. I told you that. But we need to be careful.”
I nodded. “I know. We can’t risk Chloe saying anything about your status. I get it.”
And I did, mostly. Mateo and I wouldn’t be able to hold hands in the hall or kiss good-bye outside the baseball diamond. It was bad enough Chloe Donnelly already knew I liked him, if she found out he liked me back, who knew what she would demand from him. But even as I understood all of this in my head, my stomach felt weird at the idea that I’d become another one of Mateo’s secrets. That we were now in the same position as Aiden and Josh. That almost every platinum favor I’d thought about asking him for would be answered by no.
Mateo tightened his linked fingers along mine. “Walk me out.”
I squeezed my legs together. “Sure.”
He said good-bye to Nan and Pops. Nan asked him to join us for dinner, but he declined, and frankly, I was glad. Awkward and uncomfortable were not the easiest for digestion. I told my grandparents I’d be back in a minute to set the table.
The butterflies in my stomach burst into a flurry of movement when Mateo pressed me up against the side of the house and kissed me. I thought I was kissing him better this time, less like a novice and more like I wanted him to enjoy it. I even swiped my tongue over his lip ring and managed not to giggle at how it made me so giddy. When he pulled back, we were both a little splotchy and out of breath.
“Be patient with me,” he said in a low voice, then turned and started down the street, his hands shoved in his front pockets in this cool way that made me feel a little out of my league with him too.
* * *
Late that night, after I heard the sounds of Nan and Pops brushing their teeth and then calling out good night to me, I put the Spanish book I was unable to concentrate on reading to the side and pulled out the book I’d had hidden under my bed. I’d found it at the college bookstore before winter break when I was buying WHERE THE HELL IS GRINNELL? bumper stickers to bring to my parents. The book contained a bunch of stories of girls’ first-time sex. I nearly died of embarrassment when I bought it, but luckily the girl ringing me up had four face piercings and shaved blue hair, so I didn’t think she’d really judge. I’d tucked the book away when I got home, making sure to slide it under the mattress where even housekeeping-obsessive Nan wouldn’t look.
Every time I considered reading it, I decided against it, because it felt too much like something my mom would be thrilled about. But now, when every time I was with Mateo fear slipped further away from me and something new and a little hungry replaced it, I couldn’t stop myself from pulling the book out. I flipped through the introduction and read the first essay. It was about a girl who’d lost her virginity when she was twelve. Twelve! I wasn’t even wearing a bra yet at twelve. I read the next essay, which seemed kind of dirty and interesting all at once because it had to do with blow jobs. The third essay was about a lesbian, and even though I’d never wanted to be with a girl, I read it with just as much interest. I read all of them, flipping page after page, feeling like these writers were my friends and they were giving me advice. Some of their stories were kind of sad, but none of them was as terrifying as I thought they’d be. They were honest, and not in the way Mom had been too honest, almost emphatic, before she’d lost the baby and turned a little broken. I read through the question-and-answer guide at the
end of the book, and as I turned the last page, I felt another tiny part of me uncurl just a little. Maybe I could. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Before I went to sleep, I fired up the computer and sent my parents a short note.
Mom and Dad,
I’m sorry I haven’t been around to talk and I didn’t respond back to your email about extending in BF. The truth is, I’m still thinking about it. Can I have a little more time? I love and miss you.
Chloe
It was a stall tactic, but it was honest. I couldn’t think about spending next year in Burkina Faso—I’d been patently ignoring it every chance it swam into my brain—when the only thing that was on my mind was how to end the game for good so I could be with Mateo.
20
Monday morning I passed Holly and Eve on my way to first period, and they didn’t even look at me. They turned away from my “hey” and ducked their heads together in the same way Eve and I used to freshman year. They were both wearing leggings and too-small hoodies over too-small tees. Different colors and styles, but it was hard for me to miss how they blended together. Particularly when their brand-new replacement BEST FRIENDS charm bracelets were on full display. I looked at my own jeans and Blackhawks shirt. I don’t think I ever blended, even when I had friends. I lifted my chin and pretended I didn’t need them. I tried to channel my mom. An empty house is better than one filled with people who aren’t worthy of you. I didn’t really believe that. Who would ever choose to be alone? Being an only child was bad enough.
My parents hadn’t responded to my email, and I didn’t know if their silence was pointed or if they hadn’t gotten my note yet. Probably I’d have to decide about moving sooner rather than later, but my skin itched when I even thought about making the decision. What if I went to Burkina Faso for a year and when I got back things were different with Mateo? He might not even still be in Grinnell because of some complication with his status.
Chloe Donnelly was at his locker when I passed there between first and second periods, and his face flashed in panic when he saw me, so I put my head down and walked by, my guts twisting in knots. By the time I got to lunch, it was 100 percent clear that I’d been frozen out. Even people in my classes seemed to be avoiding me. Chloe Donnelly’s reach was far and deep for someone who’d just started at our school. I kept wondering about that, wondering if she had someone at GHS telling her all this stuff about us, but I couldn’t imagine who. Everyone seemed to have something to lose.
I glanced at Holly, Eve, and Chloe Donnelly as I got my tray of crappy cafeteria food, but they’d picked a table with no extra spots. They were even sucking up sitting with the student council crew just to keep me from joining them. Not that I wanted to sit with them anyway. I walked over to where Melissa McGrill was sitting with her sack lunch, listening to something on her headphones. She hadn’t been at church yesterday, but I was happy to see her now.
She looked up when I approached and pulled one earbud out.
“Can I sit here?” I asked, my voice scratchy and pathetic sounding.
She raised a shoulder. “It’s a free country.”
Hardly the enthusiasm I was hoping for, but not a no.
“What’re you listening to?”
“A podcast about the military.”
I shoved my hair behind my ear so I could see her more clearly. “Are you thinking of enlisting?”
“No.”
She didn’t offer any other explanation; she just pulled the other earbud out and wrapped her headphones around her phone before tucking it away. She was wearing a hoodie too, but it was big like her clothes had been the past few times I’d seen her and it made me wonder if she’d gained weight with her pregnancy or if she just didn’t care in any way how she looked.
I took a bite of overcooked mac and cheese and considered the possibility that it had been too long since I was friends with Melissa, that half conversations were the best we were going to be able to do, and there’d be no hope for a real reconciliation.
“I know you’re curious. Go ahead and ask me,” she said.
I tipped my head and said, “Ask you what?”
“Ask me if I miscarried in the gym showers. I assume that’s why you’re over here, actually sitting with me where everyone can see. Some fact-finding mission your squad sent you on.”
“I don’t have a squad.”
Melissa glanced past me to Chloe Donnelly’s table. “Oh. So you’re here bottom feeding then? Your girls broke up with you, and I’m the consolation prize?”
I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to explain that she was nothing like that, but the truth was, she might have been. A week ago I’d bolted from her outside of Beau’s because I was afraid what being friends with her would mean for me. Now I had nothing to lose. I hated admitting it, but a small part of me had chosen to sit with Melissa because she seemed worse off than me.
“Sorry,” I whispered. “I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.”
She looked straight at me, pinning me so I couldn’t move. “No. You were lonely.”
I nodded and gripped my tray to stand and find somewhere else. The mac and cheese coated the back of my throat in a way that made me think I might not keep it down. Melissa tapped the table and pointed. “Sit down. I didn’t say it was a problem. Just wanted to clear the air. I like you, Chloe. I always did.”
Chloe. God, the relief of shedding the “other” was so enormous that I wanted to reach over the cafeteria table and hug her.
“I like you too.” There was a long pause and it seemed like Melissa was waiting for something, so I said, “I don’t know what happened when you were gone from school a couple of weeks ago, and it’s not my business, which is why I haven’t asked, but if you ever want to talk . . .”
She nodded. “I’ll keep it in mind.”
Then she dug into her brown bag and pulled out a baggie full of Doritos. “Want some?”
The rest of lunch was filled with stupid talk about teachers and classes and her plans for the summer. Melissa said “we” a lot and it took me a while to realize she had a pretty serious plus-one. But I was too afraid to ask her about him, too uncertain about the tentative state of our reconciliation.
When the bell rang and we got up from the table, she said, “You’re welcome to sit here tomorrow if you want.”
Which was pretty much the only positive thing that happened all day.
* * *
Tuesday after school, when I still hadn’t heard from my parents, I stayed late to do homework in the media center. I knew there was no way I could be home every day by three thirty without a good explanation for Nan. Nan had always been a social butterfly, and she found my small number of friends and activities “troubling.”
I was also secretly hoping Mateo would get home from his away game early. I texted him the location where I’d be studying but hadn’t heard back. I wasn’t sure if he’d gotten his phone replaced yet or not, but I hung on to the possibility that he hadn’t as an explanation for my unanswered text.
Two hours of doing chem and Spanish and precalc and my brain was completely fried. I pulled off my headphones and glanced around. Most people had cleared out already, and I knew the librarian would be kicking me out in a few minutes. I shoved my books into my bag and wrapped my headphones up. Down the hall from the media center the band practice room door stood open with someone plucking at a guitar inside. I shouldered my bag, avoiding the janitor with his bleachy-smelling mop bucket, and moved farther into the hallway.
It took less than ten seconds for me to recognize the tune the guitar player was strumming. “40.” I shut my eyes and listened. Cam’s raspy deep voice flooded the hallway. The music swirled inside of me, and for a full minute I let myself forget everything. I moved to the side of the open practice door and tipped my head back against the wall to let the song push the last month, the last year, out of my brain.
When Cam held the last note, I released my breath and shouldered my bag again. So much wasted talent in t
his guy.
“Better now?” he asked.
I froze. Someone was in the room with him.
“Yeah, I’m better.” Holly’s voice, soft and a little croaky.
“No more tears. It fucking kills me when you cry,” he said.
“All right. No more tears. But no more girls, okay?”
There was a long pause, then Cam finally said, “Yeah, okay.”
“I love you.”
“Me too, Holls.”
I bolted down the hallway, not wanting them to see me when they came out of the room. Thoughts flickered through my mind like pages in a book but I couldn’t settle on one. I didn’t know how to reconcile gross Cam with this Cam. I didn’t know why Holly needed him so much, why she was willing to stay with a guy who’d cheated on her. I didn’t want to feel soft toward either of them, but I did. And maybe that was the right thing. Maybe Cam and Holly were just a messed-up couple, and not my business.
I pushed out the doors to the main entrance and texted Mateo again.
I miss you.
I got home to a short email message from my dad.
Chloe,
Take some time, but don’t shut us out. That kills your mom. And me. We’re webcamming you this week. We don’t have to talk about extending then, but we miss seeing your face, so answer! We love you and will work something out.
Dad
* * *
On my way out of school on Wednesday afternoon, I bumped into Eve’s mom, who was carrying two large Tupperware containers full of cookies.
“Oh, Chloe. It’s good to see you, sweetie. Help me bring these to the office for Teacher Appreciation Week.”
“There’s a Teacher Appreciation Week?” I asked, grabbing one of the containers.
She frowned. “Of course there is. Surely your mother did something for the teachers when you were younger, before she left?”
She said before she left as if my mom had abandoned our family and run off with a scarlet A on her chest in pursuit of Reverend Dimmesdale. “No. Mom appreciates teachers, but baking really isn’t her thing.”
Four-Letter Word Page 19
