by Luccia Gray
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that!”
They both stood tensely, looking at each other fiercely, so I decided to intervene. “On second thoughts, Jane, I’ll have something to eat. Let’s have something together, please. On this occasion, I think Michael is right.”
They had frozen. I was sure I had just witnessed a lovers’ quarrel. I spoke again quickly. “Michael, bring some fruit and cheese, you know what Jane likes, just go and bring it.”
He did not move, staring at her angrily, yet strangely close to tears.
“Michael, just bring some food, please!”
When he left, Jane slumped onto the couch and sighed.
“Jane, what was that about? Do you know what you’re doing? Has he slept with that Rosset woman and are you bringing her here? What is happening, Jane? Do you love him? You must tell me!”
“Adele, I cannot talk now.”
I sat by her side while she closed her eyes and looked as if she was in pain. Michael returned and placed the food on the table quietly and left the room. Jane ate half a peach and some cherries silently, her thoughts again elsewhere. I waited for her to speak.
“Adele, would you sleep with me tonight?”
“Of course, Jane. Do you remember the night before you married Monsieur, the first marriage?” She nodded. “Do you remember you slept with me all night? I was a little girl, you weren’t much older, but you were a grown woman who was about to get married. You were so frightened, you held me tight all night and you cried. Were you happy then, Jane?”
“I was very happy. I’ve never been happier, I think. Perhaps I never shall be happy again.”
“Why were you so frightened and crying?”
“Bertha had come into my room. I didn’t know who or what it was. I convinced myself it was a ghost; perhaps I really did believe it was a ghost. I knew something was wrong. Somehow I knew it was too good to be true. I couldn’t believe I would be marrying Edward the next day, and when Mason and Briggs arrived at the church, I realised I had known all along that it wasn’t right. He had lied to me, or perhaps I let myself be deceived. I do not remember any more.”
“But finally it all turned out well, did it not, Jane?”
“Did it? Or was it all an illusion? I thought I loved Edward and I thought he loved me, but he has been so cruel, Adele, so cruel, heartless, selfish and murderous. How could I not have noticed? Am I mistaken again? Who is Michael? Does he love me? Do I love him, or is it an infatuation? Am I losing my mind?”
“I can’t answer that question for you, Jane. I think it would be an unnatural union. Think of John and Mary and Diana, and the other servants. I cannot see the situation ever prospering, Jane.”
“Adele, I have promised to marry Mr. Mason”
“I don’t believe you! Have you lost your mind?”
“I had to accept. He threatened to tell Annette that Edward was not her father. He claims John and Annette are in love.”
“What are you going to do?”
“He will not announce it until I am in half-mourning in six months’ time. We shall be married next year at Hallows Eve.”
“Mon Dieu! That is what is wrong with Michael. He must know!”
“He cannot know, nobody does. We were alone when we discussed the matter and he has told no one.”
“Will you marry that dreadful man?”
“No, I would rather die than marry him. I have bought some time that is all. I have a year to think of something. I have many things on my mind, Adele. Things I cannot tell you, things that are tormenting my soul. Please do not ask any more questions. I need you to comfort me tonight.”
I hugged her reassuringly. I was glad to be able to repay her generosity and kindness to me. When Michael returned to remove the dinner plates, she took his hand, put it to her lips and spoke.
“Thank you, Michael. Please don’t be angry or distant with me. I can’t bear it.”
He removed his hand and asked coolly if she needed anything else.
“I will take a whole bottle of laudanum.”
“Jane!” I shouted, appalled.
“You will not,” he replied dispassionately.
“Would you care?” she pleaded, taking his hand once more.
“Of course, I should be out of an employment.” He pulled his hand away again.
“Is that what I am to you? An employment?”
“Can you be anything else?” He was hurt and very angry.
“Will you miss me?” She took his hand again.
“Not more than I do now, this minute.”
“Who do you miss, Michael? I am here.”
“You are different now.” He removed his hand a third time and backed away towards the door.
“Because I am free?”
“Are you free?” He spat the words out fiercely.
“I am free to take my life.”
“Jane! You must not speak like that!” I shouted at her.
“Not with the laudanum, I disposed of it.”
“Well done, Michael. That horrible, filthy drug,” I added, relieved.
She stood up before speaking. “Then I shall walk out in the middle of the night, barefoot in my nightgown, into the moors and never return.”
He moved back to her side, took her wrist firmly and swung it in the air angrily. She winced and I gasped.
“Would you be so selfish as to have me stand at the door all night to prevent you from doing so?”
“Michael, you are hurting me,” she whispered.
When he dropped her arm, she closed her eyes and folded down to the ground with a loud thump.
I realised that night no force of nature would keep them apart. Michael carried her up to her room and cried like a baby, as he laid her on the bed. He told her how much he loved her and begged forgiveness with such endearing terms that I felt most embarrassed, yet I was unable to stop him. I was thankful she finally awoke and made us promise we would not call Dr. Carter. I convinced Michael to leave, reassuring him I would look after her. I did not sleep all night, my head was spinning with worry over my poor Jane, who eventually fell asleep cradled in my arms.
***
Chapter XXXII Mrs. Rochester’s Proposal
“Jane, Mr. Greenwood has ordered our passages to Venice. They have arrived, Jane! Look!” I was so proud to have them in my hands. “Miss Adele Varens, Mr. William Greenwood and Miss Susan Kirkpatrick have tickets for travel from Southampton to Venice. We are leaving in ten days’ time. We will be leaving for London a few days earlier. I need to make some purchases for me and Susan. She has absolutely no suitable clothes at all!”
Suddenly Jane went deathly pale. “Don’t you dare faint again, Jane! Or I will cancel the journey at once! Whatever is the matter? You look as if you have seen a ghost!”
“Can you show me the tickets, Adele? The three of them, please.”
“Of course. If you don’t want me to go, I’ll postpone the trip.”
She took them and looked anxiously through them, reading all the details carefully, then she sighed and whispered, “Oh my God!”
“Whatever is wrong, Jane? You are worrying me.” She smiled and closed her eyes.
“I’m all right. Don’t worry, Adele. It’s wonderful! It’s really wonderful that you are going to Venice at last, that’s all.”
“You don’t mind me going?”
“Of course not! I may even join you there later on, in spring. Yes, in March I will visit you!”
“I don’t know if I shall stay six months. That’s a long time, don’t you think?”
“You must stay six months. We will exchange homes. I will stay in Mr. Greenwood’s house in London, and when you return, I shall stay in your lodgings in Venice. Where will you be staying?”
“Mr. Greenwood has a palace in Venice where his son lives.”
“Wonderful! There will be room for all of us!”
“Jane, I didn’t know you wanted to visit Italy. You never wanted to come to France with me; you
used to say there was no country like England.”
“How narrow minded I was! Now I will be travelling to Italy in spring.”
“We may return for Christmas, won’t you miss me?”
“It’s a long journey; do not worry about Christmas if you are having fun. There will be many more Christmases.”
“You are speaking most strangely, Jane. Are you sure you are well?”
“Very well. I will give Mr. Cooper instructions to endow you with whatever funds you may need for your purchases and travel, and you must take funding with you.”
“We have had a lot of expense lately; how are finances?”
“We have had many extra expenses, and I have discussed matters with Mr. Cooper and Mr. Briggs, we will manage. I plan to make some changes in the financial running of the estate. We need to branch out and expand our income.”
“Where are you thinking of investing?”
“In Jamaica with Mr. Mason.”
“With Mason? Are you sure?”
“Quite sure. There is money in Jamaica, honest money to be made now that there are salaried workers not slaves working the land.”
“Do you trust him?”
“He knows Jamaica well. We will be business partners; the more we earn, the more he earns.”
“I hope you are right.”
“I may invest in industry. Mr. Cooper has informed me that there are many London investors interested in building factories in this area. Now that the American war is over, the mills are flourishing again. More jobs will be available with better salaries and working conditions than farming. The latest transport innovation, the railroad, is making communications faster and more efficient. I may invest in stocks.”
“You have been busy planning, Jane.”
“I have been supervising our expenditure and bookkeeping; there is a great deal to be done. John will inherit an even greater fortune and we will all benefit from a comfortable life. I would also like to invest in a residence in London. Nothing too grand, a town house will be sufficient, and I shall write another novel.”
“My goodness! You are going to be occupied!”
“I also want to continue with my charity work. We need more parish schools in the area and social reform. Orphans and poor children need our protection.”
“You will write to me regularly, won’t you?”
“Of course I will.”
“And you will tell me if you need me, or if you are unwell?”
“Don’t worry about me, Adele, I will be perfectly well.”
***
After lunch I was sitting in the library and rang the bell, expecting Michael. When Simon answered my call, I told him I needed to speak to Michael.
“I’m afraid Michael is busy with…”
“No excuses. Michael is to come at once. I do not care what he is doing.”
Minutes later when he arrived, I rushed to embrace him. “Michael, I have missed you. Where have you been? I did not see you at breakfast or lunch.”
“Working, Mrs. Rochester.”
I closed the door and took his hand in mine, it was unusually limp. “Have you been avoiding me since yesterday? I thought we were friends again.” I stood close to him, but he stiffened, retrieved his hand and backed his shoulders away from me.
“Mrs. Rochester, I would like to apologise for my impulsive actions.”
“There is nothing to apologise for, Michael. I was speaking and behaving stupidly yesterday.”
“I forgot my station.”
“Your station is in my heart.”
“I am your valet, Mrs. Rochester, and I would like to remain in that occupation.”
“Michael, is there anything you regret having done?”
“Mr. Rochester was still in his bed, in this house. It was not right. Our…friendship is…not right.”
“What do you mean not right?”
“How am I to look at you and be near you, after I have been so intimate with you? Everyone will notice and I shall have to leave. You said so yourself.”
“Do you want to stay with me?”
“I cannot pretend all the time.”
“Do you still love me?”
“I cannot have you. You are…too much for me.”
“You have had all I can give you, and that is more than I have ever given anyone.” I took his hand and placed it over my breast. “Listen. Can you hear my heart beating?” He nodded.
“It beats for you.”
Unbelievably he seemed unaffected and pulled his hand away from me. “What more can I give you, Michael?” I pleaded.
“Perhaps you belong to someone else now.”
“I assure you, I belong to no one else.”
“I will not be a…an amusement.”
“You think you are an amusement for me?”
“Am I?”
“Of course not. You are the reason I smile and I breathe. You are the only person I would trust with my life.”
I tried to take his hands in mine, but he backed away. I thought he cringed but it was not possible. How could he?
“You are to be married to Mr. Mason, are you not?”
I gave a sigh of relief. “So that’s it. Who told you?”
“Does it matter?”
“Not really. I suppose a lot of gossip goes on behind my back.”
“Is it gossip?”
“No, it is not.” I saw him stiffen to contain his anger and take a further step back.
I moved forward. “I wanted to tell you, but you have been avoiding me…”
He looked away from me. “May I leave, Mrs. Rochester?”
“No. You may not leave.” He turned to open the door.
“I said you may not leave!” He turned back to me with tears in his eyes. I was devastated; what had I done to him? “Please stay, Michael,” I added softly.
“You have thrust a dagger into my heart and you ask me to stay?”
“Michael, do not look at me with those angry eyes. Do not speak to me with such harsh words. You are killing me. If you still love me, come to me and I will explain.”
“Do you think that because I am your poor valet I have no feelings?”
I moved closer. He did not move away this time and let me take his hands in mine.
“How would you feel if I told you I was to marry Beth or Jenny?”
Now the dagger had been thrust into my heart. “I would die of grief, Michael. I love you, only you. Trust me.”
“Then why are you marrying him?”
“I have agreed to marry him, but I have no intention of being his wife.”
“He shall be your master.”
“He shall not!”
He shot a perplexed look at me.
“I cannot marry anyone until at least a year has passed. I am in mourning.”
“And then he will be your master. He will…be close to you.”
I grimaced. “I had to agree, Michael. It was the only way I could keep Annette away from John. Mason needs my financial help. He is ruined. He has lost his plantations and has squandered all his money. John has fallen in love with Annette, but they can’t be married! There is a chance they are half-siblings, but he can’t know that. I have kept all his father’s mistakes and misdeeds away from him. At the moment, Annette thinks Edward was her father, that is why she refuses his advances, but Mason has threatened to tell her that Edward was not her father if I don’t marry him. If John marries Annette, his marriage with Miss Haywood will be undone. Elizabeth will be disgraced, Judge Harwood will be furious and John’s future in Parliament will be thwarted. And worst of all, she will be mistress of Eyre Hall. I can’t allow it. I can’t. She is Bertha’s daughter! She is not responsible for her mother’s mistakes and I’m prepared to compensate for her unfortunate childhood, but she cannot be mistress of Eyre Hall.”
“If Mason wants money, can you not give him the money he needs?”
“He is so greedy. He wants to be sure he will have all the money and social prestige he ne
eds until he dies. He does not trust me to pay his debts and maintain his lifestyle indefinitely. I tried, Michael, believe me I tried, but to no avail. I am torn between both of you, my son and the man I love. I had to agree.”
He looked shattered, but I had to continue and tell him everything.
“We have drawn up a marriage contract. I will only spend one night with him, the wedding night. After that, we will have no further physical contact. We will lead separate lives and you will be employed by me indefinitely.”
“I was part of your negotiation?” He gasped in disbelief.
“He wanted you out of the house. I refused, so he demanded a wedding night in exchange and I had to agree.”
“What kind of a man or woman agrees to that kind of marriage? What kind of a man would I be, if I agreed to a relationship with you while you are married to another man?”
I remembered my conversation with Edward, after I discovered he was married to Bertha and tried to understand how Michael felt. I could not let him go. I had to convince him my marriage to Mason was not important.
“It will only be a formality.”
“I cannot stay with you if you marry him. I will not watch him touch you.” He held me tightly for the first time since he had entered the room and I closed my eyes and listened to his heart beating steadily, and my world was safe again. I had to keep him by my side at all costs. My life without him was an abyss. I had to make him understand that my marriage to Mason was no obstacle for us.
“Twelve months must pass first. I will think of something. We will think of something, but rest assured that you are, will be, my only master.” I pulled away gently, taking his hand in mine. “Michael, come here, sit with me on the couch. I have thought of a solution, a temporary solution at least.”
He sat beside me and listened attentively.
“We are going to London. You and I are going to London forthwith. Mr. Greenwood has kindly offered me the use of his house at Dougherty Square while he travels to Italy with Adele. He has a permanent housekeeper and a maid, and it is conveniently located in central London. I will tell everyone I am writing a new novel and need to go to London, because that is where it is set. Who knows, perhaps I will really write a novel. In any case, it will be a perfect excuse to move there, and we will look for Helen.”
