I walked up to the scooter parked outside, held my hands out and shrugged, “Well it only took you six months to find me.”
He got off his scooter and took off his open-faced crash helmet. His scooter looked lovely, metallic blue, and his crash hat matched. His last scooter had been white and showed off every bit of dirt.
“I’ve been staying at a campsite nearby waiting for you. No one knew where you disappeared to, only that you had been in an accident. I didn’t want to go to the hospital just in case I got you in trouble.” He waffled on.
“Okay, well that’s the last two weeks, what about the five and a half months before that? You went to army prison for three months which leaves two and a half months by my calculations.”
“Let’s walk.” He nodded in the direction of the beach and started to walk along the seafront. I don’t know why, but I followed.
“You didn’t reply to my letter?”
“Well you roasted me in Leicester didn’t you?”
“I told you what happened.”
“That wasn’t a reason. Did you expect me to swallow that crap? You left me there alone! I didn’t have anything to say to your letter and I still don’t.”
“But I love you, Abbie, I’ve always loved you. It just took me a while for me to realise it.”
“It’s too late Dave. There’s too much water gone under the bridge.” As much as it killed me being so tough with him, I knew I had to be.
“Please Abbie,” he pleaded, his blue eyes begging me to change my mind.
We sat in silence on the beach for about an hour, saying nothing else just watching the sea. Looking up at the night sky lit by the amusement arcades, Dave put his arm around me.
“I am so sorry,” he whispered.
You might say, I started to thaw. I snuggled in close and inhaled the familiarity of him. I loved it.
“Hungry?” he asked.
“No.”
We walked along the beach to the arcades then stopped in a café for some food. After watching him eat for a while, having not been hungry myself, I just hugged my mug of coffee. When Lilly suddenly came bouncing in with a few of the guys, I introduced Dave. We made our excuses and left. For some reason I didn’t want to share Dave with anyone, I guess I felt we needed to be alone.
A huge part of me wanted to ask him to stay, or even say I would go with him wherever he wanted. But I knew we were no good together. I couldn’t trust him. He sat perched on the edge of his scooter and pulled me into him, holding me close.
“You know where to find me if you need anything, including me.” He wrote his parents address on a piece of paper and handed it to me. He put his hands up cupping my face and stroking my hair like he was trying to lock me away in his memory. Then he put on his crash hat and started his scooter.
Why do I do this to myself? I want to go. Why don’t I? I will. No, I won’t. I really don’t know. All I knew for sure was I had feelings for him but I couldn’t trust him. He had let me down and I couldn’t forgive him for that. I’m bad news too. He had lost his army career because of me, what else would he loose if I went with him? I was so confused, and I felt that everything I touched turned to stone.
I watched him drive away
* * *
“OH--MY--GOD!” shouted Lilly when I walked in the café the next morning, “Who the hell was he?”
“Dave.”
“What? ‘THE’ Dave?”
“Yes ‘THE’ Dave, now shut up about him, it’s over.”
“Well if you don’t want him, can I have him then? I bet he’s good shag!” She giggled leaning over and pinching some toast off my plate.
“Lilly! Oh my god, have you got no morals?” I laughed. “Anyway, he’s long gone.”
Chapter 27
The wounds were healing nicely on my legs and only left a small battle scar. I found out the accident was caused by an American Diplomat driving on the wrong side of the road. Apparently he sent a message to the hospital with flowers saying how sorry he was. I didn’t really remember it though, the pain killers were pretty strong.
I spent a lot of time in my room on my own whilst I got better. My knee was a bit stiff and the scabs began falling off my arms, but I wasn’t happy in my own company. I hated being alone. It gave me far too much time to think. Although I hated being told what to do, I’d rather that than being alone. I couldn’t win really, I hated it either way. I would seek out company. Sometimes I could remember what I had done and other times I couldn’t.
That was how I met Adam. He was hanging around with some friends and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink? Before I knew it we were seeing each other and planning to move in together, even though he really was not my type and it had only been a few weeks. After a chat with Evie, I decided that I wanted a career with horses so I sought out an equestrian centre near Adam’s place.
It was a big yard with lots of horses, a jumping yard but a riding school too, so lots of variety. They watched me ride two different horses, then said, “Okay, the job is yours.” They said that I was bit rusty and needed fine tuning, but my “natural talent” was good and could be developed.
I ran to Adam hugging him. I was so pleased with myself and couldn’t wait to tell someone.
“With some work I can get qualified to teach,” I squealed excited. I was chuffed to bits.
“Not bad,” Adam said with a nod of approval.
I moved in above the stables after a few days. It was freezing cold and smelt of horses but it was home to me, and I loved it. We had to be up at 6:00 am every day to see to the horses. We would put them out and feed them, then at 7:30 we got called into the house for breakfast, porridge or bacon sandwiches. The days were long and hard work, but I loved every single minute. Working with horses seemed to be the only way I could lose myself and the only place where I didn’t seem to hurt inside.
I was so busy I didn’t think about my past very often. I had started to forget a lot of things; other things were confusing to me if and when I gave them any thought. I would sometimes think about Molly and baby Kassie or the others, but for the most part I didn’t allow myself to think about the bad stuff. It got hidden away somewhere in my head. No one knew, only me, and who would believe me if I told them anyway? Best left where it is. For a long time I blamed myself for the stuff I remembered. I must’ve deserved it, I must have been a really bad kid.
Horses blocked most of it out, but still I would do things and say things and not really know why? I was such a nasty bitch at times. Why?
I threw myself into my job and worked really hard with the horses. There were never any complaints about me. I could climb on any horse and I was becoming a good teacher. I started seeing more and more of Adam. In fact I stayed at his place more often than not. He was becoming more and more possessive, even overbearing, and it became harder to say no to him, so in the end I would just give in. He wanted me to stay at his place and he would take me to work and pick me up.
I rang Alex one day. I wanted to tell them all how well I was doing, I wanted them to be proud of me. Neither dad nor Maggie were at home.
“They’re on their honeymoon,” Alex said. The words rang in my ears like I had just been belted around the head again. Honeymoon? Married?.... Married? I couldn’t believe it.
“How come? Why wasn’t I told?” I whined at Alex. “Why wasn’t I invited?”
“You were.”
“When?”
“They wrote to you and gave the letter to Albert.”
“Where’s the letter then? It hasn’t arrived!”
Then it clicked. Maybe they wanted to invite me, but I hadn’t told them where I was. I hadn’t spoken to them for months, but then, “It works two ways!” I shouted at Alex. I finally blew my stack and told him off, “Not one of you are bothered with me. I covered for you for years. I took beatings for you and you can’t even be arsed to find out if I am alive! Thanks a fuckin’ lot Alex, I love you too!” I slammed the phone down.
The
re were no tears, only anger. I felt left out as usual, but then why should they want me there? I was the black sheep, the one they handed away like a sack of rubbish. I didn’t know where to turn in order to ease the pain. Adam tried to talk to me and all I wanted to do was scream at someone and tell them I was really a nice person. I wanted to tell someone I have to protect myself because no one else will. But if I told them that, I would have to tell them all the truth and then it would come out. I swore to Molly I would never tell. Now I wished I hadn’t made that promise. But then she was still having to deal with mum, and I wasn’t. I had escaped the torture chamber and she hadn’t. I couldn’t risk making it worse for her.
I lay in my room that night listening to the horses munch on hay in the stables below. I didn’t want to see Adam tonight. I knew he would just try and make me feel better. He would think I would want a cuddle or, even worse, he might think sex would cheer me up. I couldn’t risk it so I told him I had an early start and wouldn’t be staying overnight. He got pretty angry. He hated me saying “No” to him, he was so possessive.
As I lay there, I wondered why it hurt me so, the fact dad had gotten re-married. I mean, I hadn’t seen them for a year and before that, when I did see them, all I did was cause trouble. I could feel myself sinking into that familiar place of feeling sorry for myself, so I snapped out of it. I wasn’t going to be the one to lie there and whimper any longer. I wasn’t going to allow myself to become angry either. Anger was my way of dealing with most things, but, of course, I had little or no control when I got angry. It meant someone else usually got hurt, normally the person closest to me and on this occasion, it was Adam.
“I don’t want to see you anymore,” I said.
“What do mean? What are you talking about?” Adam couldn’t speak quickly enough.
“Don’t push it Adam, I really can’t be doing heavy relationships right now.”
“Heavy?” he shouted. “For fuck sake Abbie I haven’t seen you in days!”
“Yes and you keep pestering me. I told you I just want to be left alone.”
Part of me felt sorry for Adam, but he wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but I knew it wasn’t him. So as much as it hurt him, I had to be cruel and tell him to get stuffed and leave me alone. The funny thing is, I didn’t feel sad, I felt instant relief. It was like I didn’t realise how much I had been controlled until I wasn’t with him. A heavy burden fell off my shoulders.
It was difficult for awhile. I couldn’t see the usual crowd because Adam would be there hoping I would show. So at weekends I would go to London on the train and see who I could meet. I would get stoned or pilled up and then go home on Sunday. Home was the stables. I was on my own, although skating on thin ice as I was forever getting back late or feeling ill after a bender. Adam was no longer there to keep me on the straight and narrow.
It was all I could do to stay away from Adam. Everywhere I went he turned up. I felt like he was seriously stalking me, but of course, he always showed genuine surprise to cover up. At times he actually got scary. He would think of an excuse to see to me and then ask me to have him back, telling me how he would change, constantly begging. He would plead with me saying how he would be anything I wanted. He would change just for me.
What doesn’t he understand about the word, No? He could never be what I wanted. How could he, when I didn’t even know what I wanted? The last and final straw was when I got back to the stables on a Sunday night. Looking out of the window as I closed the curtains, there he was hiding near the tractor. He would have had to climb the gates and snuck around to get there without the dogs hearing him. I ran to the next room and woke one of the stable lads in a panic. He ran outside bearing a pitch fork and chased Adam off. I hoped it would be the last I saw of him.
Good fuckin’ riddance too, Weirdo!
Chapter 28
I wasn’t going to keep my job for much longer. The head girl said, “You’re unreliable and can’t be trusted. The horses can’t look after themselves.”
She was very sarcastic every time she spoke to me. I wasn’t about to say, Sorry I’m late. I got totally stoned last night and wow, am I ever feeling it today! So I just told her, “Get stuffed! You’re picking on the wrong person.”
All hell broke loose! I don’t know what came over me. It was like my blood boiled over and I was no longer in control. I saw red!
“You’re just a dirty slag,” she said.
That was it. I am told that I flew at her punching and kicking. I grabbed her hair pulling her head down so her face kissed my knee. Blood went everywhere as her nose exploded. I really didn’t know what I was doing, but by the time I did, it was far too late. The damage was done. I had been blinded by my temper and scared too. What if no one had been there to stop me? I could have killed that gobby bitch!
Instead the owner screamed at me, “Get out of my yard! Get out I said!” as she pointed at the gate.
“What about my stuff?” I asked. “I’ll go when I’ve got my stuff.”
“Get out right now or I will call the police!”
A crowd of stable staff started to form along with people having their riding lessons. All stopped to see what was going on. I walked out to the gate and waited. I didn’t know what else to do or where to go. A few minutes later the owner marched over with a black bin bag in her hand.
“There’s your stuff. Now get out before I really do get the police involved.” She threw the bag at my feet, turned and walked away.
As I walked along the road I didn’t have a clue. Where am I going to go? Everyone I know has someone. Every child and every person needs someone, I thought, just one person to believe in. I don't even have that. Sure, I had plenty of people who used me for my popularity, for sex or for money, but I didn’t have any real friends.
I just walked and walked. I struggled with the heavy, black bag so I found a hedge and took some of my gear out and stashed it in the bushes. It was hidden well enough for me to come back for it at a later date.
I was racking my brains where to go? All I could think of was Lilly’s house, but I hadn’t seen her for ages. I thought we were growing apart. She lived a bit of a journey away and could never come out when I was free. As I had got busier with the horses and going out every weekend, she spent more time at home. Her parents kept her pretty close at hand during the exam period. I wandered around Canterbury for most of the evening before bumping into some people I knew.
I was easily persuaded to go back with them for a few drinks and a party. When I got there though, I found my way to the bathroom and sat on the floor with my back on the door. What the hell am I going to do now? I had nothing and no-one. I thought about everyone that I could possibly use to help get me out of this situation. I even thought about going back to London. I loved the hustle and bustle there, the way that everyone just blended in. I didn’t stand out there. I never had much money. I spent it almost as quick as it was given to me. I hadn’t been on a good wage with it being a training position, so I had nothing saved. I didn’t want to shag my way round London for money. I decided to take a chance and go home and see if dad and Maggie would have me back, so I rang Alex.
“Hi Alex, can you come and pick me up? I need a ride bro.”
“Where to sis?”
“I want to come home.”
“Home?” his voice all of a sudden went to a higher note.
“Yes Alex, Duh! Home!”
“Well, I don’t know if dad will have that. They aren’t here right now. Away until Thursday. Why don’t you find a mate to crash down with till they get back?”
“Why don’t you stop prattling around? I don’t have much time. Please Alex, come and pick me up.” The phone went silent for what seemed like ages. The silence killed me. Did he hang up?
“Uhhh. . .”
“Alex? Alex! Are you there?”
No reply.
“Alex! Will you answer me, please?”
“Okay, okay where are you the
n?” he mumbled.
I could tell he wasn’t overly impressed with the idea, but thankfully he gave in. He owed me big time. He’s coming to get me, I thought. I can relax, a little bit anyway. It took him just under an hour to show. I thought he would never arrive.
“You look in a right state,” was how I was greeted.
“Yeah, well you’re no oil painting yourself, Alex.”
“Long time no see Sis. Hop on.”
Swinging my leg over his scooter, I felt totally at ease. The icy wind bit my face as we sped along the dual carriageway to home. I was glad Maggie and dad weren’t going to be there. I wouldn’t want them to see me like this, a musty stable-hand out of work and down on my luck.
The sound of the scooter could quite easily have sent me to sleep. It purred just like a room full of hair dryers, as scooters always did. I daren’t tell Alex though. I think he might have deposited me by the side of the road if I had called his beloved scooter a hair dryer.
I clung on to the scooter with one hand and held onto the remains of my black bag with the other, propping it between my stomach and Alex’s back. I looked at the bag and asked myself, Is that all I’m worth? A few dresses, shoes and handbags? Is that all there is? I had stuffed a couple of dresses and jackets in the bushes, but the more I thought about it, the less likely I was of ever seeing them again. I had my makeup bag and a few toiletries and that was my total net worth.
I thought, I’m a total failure! I had caused everyone so much trouble and there was not much I wouldn’t have and hadn’t already done to get by. I wanted my own life and Albert got it for me. I had my own place and I blew that too. I had my dream job and I wasted that. I just hoped Maggie and dad might take me back or that would be it for me.
Suicidal? Understatement! I had no other choice. I had thought long and hard about ways to end my life before, and I had decided to go off a cliff. Yeah, that would be dramatic, like in the film Quadrophenia. I could relate to that movie. It all had gone wrong in my life too. I knew I wasn’t to blame for all of it, but most of my trouble was that I didn’t know when to shut up and walk away. The truth was, mostly, I didn’t know when to ask for help.
Invisible Tears Page 16
