“I mean that too. No matter what. You just lost your dad. That’s a huge loss for anyone.”
“I don’t want to be a burden. Or annoying.”
“Because you cry? Jesus, Charlie, cry!” Micah implored me. “Cry. Laugh. Get mad. Be you. Never be ashamed to be yourself around me, no matter what.” He brushed a strand of my hair away from my face. “Everyone does this whole grieving thing differently. You do it the way you want to. Do it the way that feels natural. And you let me know what you need from me. If it means gummy bears and slushies…movies, hugs…”
“I just need you,” I said, my breath catching as another slew of tears built up.
How was he so wonderful? What had I done, in all of my life, to deserve him?
“You have me,” Micah reassured me. “You have me. You will always have me, Charlie. I’m not going to leave you.”
“That’s not something you can promise me. My own dad couldn’t even stay—”
Micah shook his head and lifted my chin gently with his fingers. “I’m not going anywhere, Charlie. I’m not planning on dying for quite some time. And you can get mad and try to push me away, but I’m just going to push back.” There was determination in his eyes, a determination that I was too exhausted to resist.
“So you…forgive me?” I asked, as Micah leaned forward to press a kiss against my temple.
“Yes, of course I do. Do you forgive me too?”
“I do.” I nodded. Of course I do. Micah smiled and pulled me into a tight hug. The relief I felt in his arms was overwhelming. His fingers massaged the back of my neck as I leaned my head against his shoulder.
“Ew, get a room,” I heard Samantha’s voice from the doorway. Startled by the interruption, I pulled away enough to catch a glimpse of her upturned nose.
“We did have a room. You’re the one who walked into it,” Micah replied sharply. She rolled her eyes as she flicked her hair over her shoulder. The rest of our classmates trickled in from behind her. Micah reached for my hand and squeezed it, reassuringly. I knew things would be all right, at least between Micah and me. And for now, that was enough.
MICAH SAT AT THE DINNER table with Josh, my mom and me. Mom made spaghetti, one of my dad’s favorites. It was odd to have all of us around the table eating, while my father’s setting remained empty. It made his absence inescapably real.
“How was school?” Mom asked the three of us. Josh was the first to reply. He lowered his fork to his plate.
“Jackie and I were talking about college letters. They should be arriving here soon.”
College. That’s right, Josh will be leaving home for college—if he got accepted. I knew he was waiting on a great deal from a college football recruiter.
“We had an excursion today in English class,” Micah offered. “Mrs. Tenner took us down to the National Historical Society. They have an exhibit on what it was like to live here in eighteen twenty-seven and during the Civil War.”
“Wow,” Mom said, impressed.
“Yeah, it was interesting,” I agreed, but turned my focus back to Josh. “Do you know what you want to go to college for yet?” I knew he had applied to a few schools, but I didn’t know which ones.
“Honestly, I’m not sure if I really want to do the whole football thing anymore.”
My mom looked a little startled. Josh’s acceptance into college depended on his football scholarships.
“Why not?”
“I just don’t know if it’s something I want to pursue anymore.” He picked at his food. “Maybe it would be better if I just got a job and tried to help out with our expenses.”
“Joshua David,” my mom said firmly. Middle names were never a good sign. “You will do no such thing. You will go to college, just like we had planned. Your father’s death is not going to change that.”
“I don’t feel comfortable leaving all of you,” he confessed. There was a seriousness I had never seen before in Josh’s eyes. It was fear.
“You’re going to college. End of story.” Mom shook her head. “You’re not going to miss the chance to better yourself just because you feel…a false sense of responsibility.”
“But mom…”
“No, Josh. I said no.” Her gaze was intent. I felt my cheeks burn as I lifted another forkful of spaghetti to my mouth.
Josh didn’t argue. He turned his attention back to his plate and took a few more bites until he got up from the table and took his plate to the sink. This was the first time I’d seen a real, deep sadness in him. He had done so much to help me, to help Mom, that I truly began to wonder if we’d done anything to help him. Had we, in our own sadness, forgotten Josh?
“Has Jackie decided what color her prom dress is going to be?” Mom asked, obviously trying to lighten the subject as Josh walked past the dining table. He stopped to lean on the back of a chair.
“I don’t know.” I knew by his tone he didn’t want to talk about it.
“Are you planning on taking her to prom?” Mom continued. “We’ll have to take Charlie out for some shopping too.”
“Are you going?” Josh’s eyebrows rose in curiosity. I felt Micah’s gaze on me and I was sure my cheeks were now a few shades pinker.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Probably not.”
“Why not? Has Micah not asked you?” Her gaze moved to Micah, as she smiled teasingly. While I could have easily claimed he hadn’t—because he really hadn’t—it was far from the reason why I was having doubts about going.
“I just don’t want to leave you home alone,” I confessed. “I don’t want to go. I think Josh should go with Jackie and have a good time.”
This. I would do this for Josh. He deserved to go to senior prom and not feel as though he had to stay home to take care of Mom.
Micah lifted his glass to his lips. I knew he was taking it all in. We hadn’t talked about prom, not once.
“You should all go,” my mom insisted. “It’ll be good for you to get out of the house. I can plan something with the ladies at work. You don’t need to worry about me so much.”
“Easier said than done,” Josh interjected. He was right. I knew he was worried about Mom. He was probably worried about me too. So much, he was willing to compromise his own happiness. All for the sake of taking care of our family.
It was so hard to go out and have a good time with anyone, while imagining my mom sitting all alone in the living room, in my father’s chair. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t how any of us imagined our lives would turn out. But this was reality. This is what we had to work with. My mom lifted her chin to peer up at Josh. There was so much emotion in her eyes, it was hard to tell what she was feeling.
“I want you to live your life, Josh. I want you to enjoy the time that you have. I might have lost my best friend, but it doesn’t mean I want either one of you to sacrifice your lives because of it.”
“It’s not a sacrifice,” Josh replied solemnly. “You’re our mom. This is what we’re supposed to do, as your kids. You took care of us and now, it’s my turn—our turn—to take care of you.” Josh’s eyes caught mine as I replied with a nod.
Mom wasn’t having it. “You’re going to prom, Josh! And you’re going to college. You’re not staying here to take care of me.”
“I don’t want to be far away. I don’t want…” Josh’s chin began to tremble. The last time I saw my brother cry was when we were little, and he fell off his bike and skinned his elbows and knees. My dad had picked him up, put Band-Aids on his wounds, and encouraged him to “walk it off.” That was our dad’s saying to everything: Walk it off. But this was different. This was heartache.
“I don’t want something to happen where either one of you need me and I’m far away.”
“I’m here too, you know. I can help when you’re away,” Micah spoke up softly. Josh’s gaze shot in his direction
. “I might not be family, but…you’ve all become more of a family to me than my own.” Micah glanced between my mom and Josh, his eyes dark and serious.
“I mean that,” he continued. “I love Charlie. And I…I love all of you. If you ever needed anything, I’d be here. In a heartbeat. Without question.”
Josh nodded, seeming to take in all that Micah had said.
“What happens after graduation, then?”
Micah shrugged and slid a hand through his hair. My mom let out a sigh.
“We’ll worry about that when the time comes, Josh.” My mom lifted her cup to take a sip.
“I guess I’ll have to follow Charlie to college. God only knows the sort of trouble she’ll get herself into there.” Micah winked at me. “I can see the shortages in pizza now.”
I snorted. He’d never let me live that down.
“I don’t want either of you to worry about the future,” my mom said. “I don’t want to be the reason you stop living your lives. You’ll both go off into the world, just the way your dad would have wanted you to. I know how to call either one of you if I need something.” Her smile was slightly convincing. Her hand reached out for Josh’s, and she tried to smile even more.
“This is just a new way of living now. We’ll figure it out with time. For now, let’s focus on the small joys, hmm?”
Josh looked down. “I’ll make sure I ask Jackie what color dress she decides on.”
“Good,” my mom said. “We have some time, but I’d like to get a head start on it. It will give me something to look forward to.”
I decided to not take away from the moment by saying that I still wasn’t planning on going. The idea of going to prom, wearing a big, fluffy dress and not having a chance to take a photo with my dad—the way other girls did—was too much. I didn’t want to put myself through more pain than I already was feeling. My mom went back to eating her dinner. Josh paced to the counter and took a warm piece of garlic bread from the oven pan and returned to the table.
“So you went to the National Historical Society, huh?” Josh offered, apparently trying to continue a conversation. “Did you learn anything?”
Micah nodded at me.
“I think we both would say it was...enlightening.”
“Are we talking about the exhibit or…something else?” Josh asked with a smirk.
I lifted a forkful of spaghetti and slipped it between my lips.
“I see what you did there,” Josh chuckled. I slipped another forkful into my mouth, feigning indifference as I tried my best not to laugh—or gag.
Micah and my mom began to laugh as I made a face. Anything for the sound of laughter. Anything to make all the ones I loved smile.
“This is one of the many reasons why I love you, Charlie,” Micah chuckled. “You’re amazing.”
Amazing. Sometimes, I wished I felt as amazing as Micah thought I was.
“A Little Braver”
New Empire
SPRING WAS IN THE AIR.
Somehow, winter was finally melting away, revealing the thawing world underneath. The areas of green grass peeking through the small patches of ice were hopeful. Winter would come to an end, and there would be sunshine. There would be better days ahead. Each day led to another week. Some days were harder than others. I felt like being a child, learning how to laugh and smile again. Some things came naturally, but others were harder. It was hard to walk through my dad’s workshop each day and feel how empty it was with him gone. It was hard to accept that eventually, one day, all of his things—everything that had been a part of him—would be gone. My mom had already begun talking about removing his things from their room.
But I was lucky enough to have Micah, who was patient and comforting. He understood that, with the good days, came the bad. And sometimes, the bad got worse.
School was full of buzz as prom approached. Grand Lakes always held prom in early May. With prom and my birthday just a few weeks away, I enjoyed the distraction of listening to Rachel and Jennifer talk about their dresses. I didn’t want to think about my first birthday without my dad there to tease me about becoming “old.”
“Have you decided if you’re going?” Jennifer asked me as she, Rachel and I sat down at the lunch table. Micah hadn’t arrived yet. I set my tray down in front of me and tucked my hair over my shoulder.
“I don’t think I am,” I said.
“Are you kidding me, Charlie? Come on! You have to!” Jennifer sounded annoyed.
“I don’t think I’m prepared for that yet. The whole skating party was hard.”
“It was lame—rotten, even,” Jennifer added. “I’ll give it that.”
“It wasn’t rotten,” Rachel piped up. She began to unpack her lunch box, revealing all the goodies we enjoyed mooching off of her.
“Matter of opinion,” said Jennifer under her breath. I did my best to stifle a smile. Jennifer took a bite of the hamburger she had chosen for lunch.
“I’d hate…for you…to not…go,” she said as she chewed.
“I just don’t know if I’m really ready for something like that. Not yet, at least.”
“What about Micah?” Rachel asked as she lifted her PB&J sandwich from the plastic wrap.
I shrugged. “He hasn’t mentioned anything to me about prom.”
“He probably doesn’t want to upset you,” Jennifer said softly. “He’s such a good guy.”
“Maybe he wants to go,” Rachel offered, “and doesn’t know how to ask or tell you.”
“I don’t think prom is really his scene,” I said. I knew it was a lie. I knew Micah would have gone if I had asked. He would have for me.
“Uh…do you not remember homecoming?” Jennifer lifted a fry to her mouth. “That boy knows how to dress for a dance. He was hot. I mean, holy shit hot.” Rachel tossed a Cheeto at Jennifer.
“Language,” she challenged. Jennifer stuck her tongue out and lifted the orange-colored snack to her mouth.
“I’m serious. He was hot,” Jen said again, giggling.
“He wasn’t in a tux,” I laughed. “I mean, if you really want him there, why don’t you ask him?” I teased Jennifer.
She snorted. “Maybe I will ask Micah!” she teased.
“Ask me what?” Micah asked as he came up behind me. The three of us looked at him with wide eyes. Jennifer began to cough on the Cheeto.
“You all right there?” Micah patted Jennifer on the back until she stopped.
She looked at me with watery eyes and grinned. “Micah, do you want to go—?”
“Hang out after school tonight?” I interrupted. Micah raised his brow curiously between the two of us and slowly sat down beside me.
“Uh…I guess so? That’s what Jennifer wanted to ask?” He looked at her, but Jennifer didn’t respond. Instead, she looked amused.
“At least it kinda worked,” Jen replied and crunched into another Cheeto.
“You’re horrible, Jen,” Rachel said with a laugh.
“I feel like I’m missed something,” Micah confessed as he bit into a French fry.
“Nope. You missed nothing!” Jennifer said with a smirk. “But we’ll see what happens, won’t we, Charlie?” I saw the determined look in her eye. She wanted me to go to prom with the rest of them. A part of me wanted to go. A part of me wanted to be carefree. I just needed to remember how to be that way. I needed to remember how to be simply Charlie.
“Pick you up at seven?” Micah asked, brushing aside Jennifer’s comment. I nodded and took a bite of the hamburger on my plate. As I chewed, I leaned my head against Micah’s shoulder. He leaned his head gently against mine and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. Rachel and Jennifer turned the conversation to possible places to eat with their prom dates. Naturally, Rachel would be going with David. She had already selected the color of her dress, and made sure David’s tux ma
tched. Much to our surprise, Jennifer had landed herself a date with a guy from the anime club.
“He seriously drew us as anime characters,” she said with a smile. “And we were all decked out in prom clothes. It was amazing!”
“And that’s how he asked you to prom?” Rachel asked as she sipped on her juice cup.
“Pretty much,” Jen replied. “It was really original, right?”
“I think so,” Rachel agreed as she grinned.
The afternoon went by in a blur. Soon, I was walking toward the school bus. Micah was waiting for me outside the bus door. Again, I found myself completely breathless when I looked at him.
He grinned at me as I approached. I caught myself smiling back.
“So, how do you feel about stargazing tonight?” Micah asked as we climbed up the bus stairs and took our seats. I raised my brow curiously.
“It’s still a bit chilly, don’t you think?”
“A little cold never hurt anyone.”
“I’ll be sure to dress accordingly.”
“I’ll keep you warm,” Micah said with a smirk. I snorted and leaned back into the seat.
“Promises, promises,” I taunted.
“I plan on keeping many of my promises,” Micah said as he pulled his iPhone out of his pocket and offered me an earbud. I stared at it for a moment, realizing it had been a while since we had shared a moment like this. We hadn’t shared music in so long. The last time, I had turned off the radio in his car.
“Wanna listen?” he asked. I took the earpiece. The smile in the corner of my mouth remained as I slipped it into my ear. Micah flicked on the screen of his iPhone and filled my ears with a new song.
“Perfectly Wrong”
Shawn Mendes
IT WAS 6:55 PM.
I stuffed my backpack full of snacks I had found in the kitchen. I put two water bottles into my bag as well, just in case Micah and I would want them during our excursion. I folded up two extra blankets, keeping in mind that it was going to be cold, despite the approaching spring. As I looked at my things on my bedside, I decided I had everything that I would need.
The Songs We Remember: A Young Adult Romance (The Songs in Our Hearts Book 2) Page 14
