Letting Go (Robson Brothers Book 2)

by A. T Brennan

  “It was hard. The betrayal was bad enough, to know that fucking me was literally a game to him when I thought there was something there...but it was the picture that was the worst. Everyone at school laughed at me, pointed and stared...I’d only been naked in front of one person but suddenly everyone knew what I looked like without my clothes on, when I was vulnerable. I felt so violated and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”

  “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” He kissed my temple and held me closer. “Did they eventually stop?”

  “Eventually, but it got a lot worse first. I was underage so when the school found out about it they had to call the police. They ‘investigated’ it and then I was that girl.”

  “Were any charges laid?”

  “No. They basically told me I shouldn’t have been dumb enough to send it and then told the students to delete the picture otherwise there could be consequences.”

  “Why does that sound like the worst thing they could have done?”

  “Because it was. It made it infamous and everyone wanted to see it and it kept making the rounds.” I blinked back my tears and pulled in a shaky breath. I was done crying over what had happened. It was done, over, and I’d moved across the country to start over again. I wasn’t going to let it control how I felt anymore.

  “So Mel reminds you of this Lizzie chick?”

  “A little. It was the way she came at me yesterday. She kept hounding me about you, then asking if she could make a move on you since we were ‘just friends’. When we started talking about sex stuff she kept targeting me, like she wanted to make me uncomfortable. All of that brought back what Lizzie did to me and then she talked about taking you away and all I could think about was how she’s prettier than me, how she’s so much more experienced and—”

  “Don’t even think like that.” Jay gave me a squeeze and cut me off. “I told you, I don’t mess around with more than one person. Right now I’m with you, in whatever this is, and Mel or anyone else can make all the moves they want, I’m not interested.”

  “I know, and I trust you. I think it was partly because I didn’t know her and she seemed to be coming at me. I was feeling vulnerable and I projected everything from before onto you and her. I know Mel’s not a bad person, and I don’t even think she was being that bad to me, I overreacted.”

  “From stress?” He shifted and grinned down at me.

  “I’m under a lot of stress.” I smiled, hoping we were talking about the same thing.

  “I’m under a lot of stress too.” He licked his bottom lip as he swept his eyes over me. “What do you say we have a little stress relieving session, then binge watch The Walking Dead for the rest of the day and forget about everything? Just you, me, Netflix and the couch.”

  “I like the way your mind works.”

  “You know what the only thing sexier than seeing you in my clothes would be?” he asked, bending his head to give me a soft kiss before I could answer.

  “What?”

  “Seeing you laid out on my bed, moaning and screaming for me in them.”

  “God you’re good at that.”

  “What, talking dirty or making you moan and scream?”

  “Both.”

  “Then what the fuck are we waiting for?” he asked, standing up and looking down at me with naked lust in his eyes.

  “I have no idea.” I was about to swing my legs over the side of the couch so I could stand up, but Jay surprised me. He reached down and picked me up, cradling me to his chest as he walked us over to his bedroom.

  As he moved I lay my head on his strong shoulder and sighed contentedly. I felt so much better now that I’d told Jay about what had happened to me in school. I knew I should have told him the whole story, but I couldn’t risk it.

  I was so in love with him it bordered on ridiculous, there was no way I could handle losing him. I knew I’d have to eventually tell him, but hopefully I could hold off until after he’d fallen in love with me too, if he ever did.

  Chapter Twelve

  JAY

  After spending Sunday snuggled up on the couch watching seasons one and two of The Walking Dead with Paige, I knew I was in trouble.

  While it was true we’d had sex twice and spent a good part of season two making out and not paying attention to what was going on at the farm, it was the familiarity and intimacy that really meant something to me.

  Sex was awesome and sex with Paige was the best I’d ever had, but holding her in my arms as we cuddled under a blanket, having her fall asleep against me for almost an hour as I held her meant so much more.

  I was completely and utterly in love with her, but I was scared.

  Paige wasn’t Jessie, they might look alike, but personality wise they were as different as night and day. I wasn’t worried about Paige hurting me the way Jessie had, but I worried that she’d get bored with me or realize she deserved better.

  Paige was everything I wasn’t. She accepted my past and she encouraged me to be myself. She didn’t care about superficial things and she trusted me, that was a new feeling.

  I was used to being treated like a bad boy or a good lay. I’d been perfectly happy to let people think I didn’t have depth and hide my true nature behind cocky arrogance and a playboy attitude. I’d thought sex was all I wanted in my life and being vulnerable was the worst thing I could do because people will always let you down and hurt you.

  I knew being orphaned so young had led to some abandonment issues. I hadn’t needed to read that chapter in my psych text to know it had contributed to why I was so reluctant to let people in and open up.

  Jax and I had always had each other, and then Logan and his parents, and then Matt. For almost three years after we were adopted I’d been terrified that the Robsons would abandon us too. Every time they went out I’d been in knots waiting for them to come home, convinced they would die and we’d be left alone again.

  I’d also been scared they would change their minds and not want us anymore if we did something wrong.

  Jax had been combative and a little bit of a dick when we’d been kids, testing our new family, almost daring them to give up on us and prove that we were unlovable. I’d been the opposite. I’d done everything I could to be perfect and had spent years making myself sick because I was so stressed.

  One night our parents had been half an hour late coming home from a dinner with friends. Jax and Logan had thought it was great because they could stay up late and play video games. I’d had a panic attack and Logan had called an ambulance because he’d been so scared.

  When my parents had come home and found me in the back of an ambulance hyperventilating they’d been so freaked out. Mom had jumped in with me and told off the paramedic who’d told her she needed to give me space so they could treat me.

  She’d held me all the way to the hospital and then sat with me for hours as the doctors made sure there was nothing physically wrong with me. After a lot of coaxing I’d told her the truth about my fears and she’d been incredible. She’d climbed into my hospital bed and held me while I cried, then told me that I was her son and she loved Jax and I just as much as Logan. She would never give up on either of us and we would always be family.

  That’s when I’d started to relax and be myself. I’d gotten in trouble, I’d had selfish tantrums and been a dick every once and awhile, but my family never loved me any less. I’d grown out my hair, started wearing black and gotten my first tattoo as soon as I was legally allowed. I might look different from the rest of the family, but they were nothing but supportive.

  It had taken me years to accept that my family would never abandon me, and then the first girl I’d ever let in had shattered my heart and I’d convinced myself I didn’t need anyone else. All I wanted was sex and teasing, and then Paige had happened.

  I wanted everything with her. I wanted to fall asleep with her every night, wake up to her smile every morning and share everything with her. I wanted what my parents had, what Matt and Avery had,
but I didn’t know if she could ever feel the same way about me.

  “Dude.”

  I jumped as Jax sat on the couch, the cushions dipping as he settled next to me.

  “You okay?” He smirked as I looked over at him.

  “Yeah. Was just thinking.”

  “You’ve been out of it for the past few days, what’s up?”

  I looked at Jax and sighed.

  “Does it have anything to do with Paige?”

  I sighed again and looked at my hands.

  “So it has everything to do with Paige,” he said knowingly.

  “Yeah.”

  “And how you’re too much of a tool to tell her you love her?”

  I looked up sharply and wanted to wipe the smirk off Jax’s face with my fist.

  “Any dumbass can see it. The way you look at each other is even more lovey dovey than Matt and Avery. I know you, Jay, and I know you love this girl.”

  “I do. I love her.”

  It was the first time I’d said the words out loud and it was as though that action cemented them as truth. I loved Paige and needed her in a way I never thought I’d need anyone.

  “So what’s stopping you? Are you afraid she doesn’t feel the same way?”

  “Partly.”

  “Well, you have nothing to worry about.” He grinned and patted my knee. “I’ve seen the way she looks at you. When I came home on Sunday and found you two snoodled up under the blanket it was obvious this was more than just a fling, and she looks at you the same way you look at her.”

  “You think?”

  “I’d have to be blind to not see it.”

  I paused and bit my lip ring.

  “What else is there?” he asked gently. “What’s really holding you back?”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “Of losing her?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I get that.” He sighed and leaned back against the cushions of the couch. “Are you afraid of her walking away, or her dying?”

  “Dying. How fucked up is that?”

  “After what we’ve been through? Not fucked up at all.”

  “You were never afraid of Mom and Dad dying every time they left the house. I’m twenty-one years old and I’m scared my sort of girlfriend is going to die and leave me alone. That’s not normal.”

  “No, but it’s understandable. I wasn’t afraid of them dying, I was afraid of them sending us away. It’s why I acted out the way I did. After I realized they were serious about being a family I relaxed about that, but I still have fears.”

  “About losing them?”

  “About losing everyone.”

  Jax and I may be twins and share pretty much every aspect of our lives with each other, but he’d never told me that before.

  “Jax?”

  “I don’t worry about people dying on me, I worry about them walking away. Like if I was to truly open up and trust someone they’d leave me because I’m unlovable.”

  “That’s stupid,” I said softly. My words might have been harsh but my tone took the sting out of them.

  He laughed ruefully. “I know, but I can’t shake it. You have to love me because we’re kind of stuck with each other, but everyone else isn’t a part of me the way you are. What’s to stop them from seeing how fucked up I am?”

  “I guess we both have issues.” I sighed and glanced at him. “What’s been up with you? You’re out all the time. More than before.”

  “I’m kind of trying to figure some shit out.”

  “Life shit?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You ready to talk about it?”

  “Not really. It’s nothing serious.”

  “Well, if you need an ear, you know where I am.”

  “I know.” He grinned and slapped me on the back. “How about you sort your own shit out and then try to help me with mine.”

  “Deal.” I laughed and shook my head. “And you’re a dick.”

  “So are you.” He nodded to the TV. “How about I beat your ass at Modern Warfare while you pine for your girl? It’s always fun to kick you while you’re down.”

  “Fuck off.”

  He smirked and I chuckled as I stood up to get the controllers and remote. Maybe Jax was right. Maybe I should be honest with Paige. I couldn’t control what might or might not happen to her, but I could tell her how I felt and see if she reciprocated at all.

  * * * * *

  “Tell me a secret,” Paige said softly as she took my hand in hers and laced our fingers together.

  We were laying in my bed after a particularly satisfying sex session and I was enjoying having her in my arms.

  “My only girlfriend broke my heart.”

  I had no idea why that came out. I’d opened my mouth to tell her something teasing and dirty, and fake, but that truth had tumbled out of me before I could even think of it.

  “What happened?” There was no judgement in her voice and she sounded genuinely interested.

  “I met Jessie in school. She was one of the popular girls and I was kind of in between groups. I was a mathlete but was still friendly with other groups. I didn’t really fit in anywhere but I wasn’t an outcast if that makes sense.”

  “It does.”

  “Anyway, she was the first girl to really pay attention to me, show interest. I was a bit of a late developer.”

  “Really?” She looked up at me.

  “Yeah. I didn’t hit my growth spurt until I was fifteen, and it didn’t help that Jax hit his almost a year before I did so we looked more like I was his younger brother than his twin. That’s when I started running, I thought I could at least get strong if I was never going to get taller. It made me self-conscious, so I get what you mean when you said that’s how you felt.”

  “I never would have guessed. That must have been really hard.”

  “It was. But eventually I caught up and Jessie and I started dating. I really liked her and I opened up to her in a way I never thought I could. I told her everything, was completely honest with her and thought she was doing the same with me.”

  “But she wasn’t?”

  “No. I was with her for almost a year, and she started cheating on me three weeks after we got together.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “She was using me as a decoy of sorts. She brought me home to her parents, had me killing myself to make her happy and do whatever I could, including her math and science homework and projects, and she was fucking around with a married man.”

  “Oh, Jay, that’s horrible.”

  “I had no idea, I never even suspected it. Her friends had helped her cover her tracks, lying for her. Matt saw her with him and when he told me I went through her phone to see if it could be true. It was true.”

  “I can’t imagine how hurtful it would be to be used like that.” She rolled on top of me a bit more so her chin was on my chest and she could look into my eyes. “I can’t imagine ever doing that to someone, especially not someone like you.”

  “Me either.” I sighed and pushed a lock of hair off her cheek and tucked it behind her ear with my free hand. “After her I kind of shut down and had a really hard time trusting anyone who wasn’t family.”

  “That’s understandable. But you trusted me.”

  “I did.” I smiled, biting my tongue before I told her it was because I loved her.

  “I’m glad you did.” Her eyes were almost sparkling as she looked down at me, and I was hit with a wave of emotion.

  “Me too, and I’m glad you trusted me after what you went through.”

  “Me too.”

  “Paige, will you stay here tonight?”

  I was feeling vulnerable and emotionally spent. I needed to hold her, to share my bed with her again when there was no alcohol involved.

  “Of course.” She leaned down and gave me another kiss. “I’d love to.”

  My heart constricted when she said ‘love’. Was Jax right? Did she love me, or was it just a random choice of words? I wa
s too chicken shit to say anything to her so I just smiled and leaned up to give her a deep kiss. I might not be able to use my words to tell her how I felt, but at least I could tell her with my body.

  She sighed against my kiss and wrapped her arms around me as she kissed me back. The thought of losing her terrified me, but at that moment I knew it was worth the risk to have her in my life and be able to share this with her without any omission or deception between us.

  Now I just had to find the balls to tell her I was in love with her.

  PAIGE

  “Damn it all to hell,” I muttered as I searched my desk for the scrap of paper I was looking for.

  My major project for one of my journalism classes was due tomorrow and I’d misplaced the piece of paper with all my citations jotted onto it.

  I felt like I was a second away from snapping. I really wasn’t enjoying these courses and with every assignment my stress levels were going up and my confidence was going down. I didn’t have a natural talent for writing and what sounded great in my head never translated on paper. I was managing to keep my grades up, but it was by the skin of my teeth and I didn’t think my luck would hold out for much longer.

  I was just about to crawl under my desk to see if the paper had fallen when my phone rang.

  “Hello?” I answered distractedly, not even bothering to glance at the ID screen as I hit the speaker button.

  “Paige?”

  “Alex?” I perked up and abandoned my search for my paper. “Hey, how are you doing?”

  “Am I on speaker? You sound like you’re in a tunnel.”

  “One second.” I picked up the phone and took him off speaker before leaning back in my chair. “Better?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, how are you doing?”

  “Not too bad. I didn’t hear from you this week so maybe I should be asking you how you’re doing.”

  I sighed and bit my lip. I’d been so wrapped up in school and whatever was going on with Jay I’d forgotten to call him for our weekly chat. I hadn’t even texted him in days and that wasn’t like me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not trying to guilt you, I know you have a life. I’m worried about you.”