by McLean, Jay
But I don’t think it was really a question, because he says, “Because I do. I think about it all the time. All the ways I fucked up—”
“It wasn’t just you—”
“It was, Ava.” He clears his throat. “I was impatient and selfish, and I don’t think I realized how… how bad things were for you. And that night when your mom asked me to come over, I felt like… God, this is going to sound so bad…”
“No, tell me,” I encourage.
He sucks in a breath, his chest rising. “I felt like if I was ever going to get you back, it was going to be through her, you know? But now, I don’t know; I’m invested. And now it feels so much bigger than just you and me.” He swallows audibly. “And I think about all the things I did that I regret and how much it hurt you, and now it’s twofold. Because I don’t want to hurt either of you and I feel like I will. I’ll let you both down—”
“Connor, no,” I whisper, blinking back the heat pricking my eyes.
“But I’m doing it again—being selfish—because I know you need time, and I want to give that to you. I do.” His chest ebbs and flows with every breath. “But it’s like… you’ve invaded every part of me, and I can’t get you out of my fucking head. Every time we’re apart, there’s this ache in my chest. It’s like I can’t fucking breathe unless I’m with you.”
“It’s like white noise,” I mumble, turning away so I can wipe at my tears without him seeing.
“What?” He gently grasps my jaw, forcing me to face him. “What’s like white noise?” he asks, his eyes flitting between mine.
I shrug, fear filling the depths of my words. “When you’re not around. It’s like white noise inside me, like everything is chaos and nothing makes sense, and then I hear your voice, or I see you and it’s as if… as if everything becomes clear and—” I don’t get to finish my thought before his mouth covers mine, the warmth of his breath coating every inch of me. His lips part, our tongues colliding. A moan escapes me when his fingers curl in my hair. Every movement, every touch becomes heated. I struggle to breathe, my entire body in flames. I pull back, suck in a breath, but he doesn’t stop. Can’t. He moves to my neck, kissing there, as his hands fall to my waist. I capture his mouth again, needing more of him. Tongues sliding against each other, he shifts us until I’m on my back, and he’s leaning over me, his kisses dominating, claiming me with every second that passes. I reach up, my fingers lacing through his hair as his mouth moves lower, lower, down my neck, to my collarbone. His hand splays across my stomach, the wetness of his tongue leaving a trail on the rise of my breasts. Then he shifts his hand, moving higher, taking my top with it. My fingers tense in his hair when his mouth finds one nipple and then the other. I squeeze my eyes shut, try to do the same with my thighs to relieve the ache building there, but his grip on my leg stops me. His palm cups my sex, and I release his hair, grasp on to the pillow beneath me, my hips rising. “Is this okay?” he asks, his voice hoarse, filled with lust, driving me wild.
“Please,” I whisper, spreading my legs wider for him.
His eyes lift, lock on mine, as his hand glides beneath my sleep shorts and underwear, his fingers quick to find the evidence of my desire. A single finger slides into me effortlessly, and my head rolls back when he starts pumping slowly, his mouth open on my taut stomach. I find his hair again, tug with one hand, the other reaching up to cup my breast. With my eyes closed, I can feel every movement, every touch, every vibration when he moans against my flesh. And then it begins, my entire body tensing, my core pulsing. “Oh, God, Connor,” I whisper, my hips moving, meeting him thrust for thrust. “I’m going to come.”
“No.”
My eyes snap open when he pulls away completely. “No?” I almost cry.
He’s between my legs now, fingers curled around the top of my shorts. He drags them down slowly, taking my underwear with them. He throws them behind him. “Take your top off,” he orders. I start to remove my top, watching him reach behind him to discard his own.
His bare, heated chest crashes against mine when his mouth does the same, and I’m lost. I’m so fucking lost in all things Connor. Gently, he pushes until I’m on my back again, his mouth leaving a heated trail as he slowly makes his way lower down my body. Sweat coats my flesh, my racing pulse beating wildly in my eardrums, throughout my bloodline. I bite my lip, swallow my moan when I feel his mouth at my center, his tongue sliding between my folds. “Oh, fuck.” And then he adds his fingers, and it doesn’t take long before I’m climbing again, higher and higher, my every exhale filled with bliss. I grasp his hair again, hold him there, my hips jerking, my breaths matching every throb, every ecstasy-filled beat of release. My back arches off the bed, and then my entire body follows as he sucks, devouring my liquid pleasure.
My body erupts.
Right before the world turns white.
Connor kisses the inside of my thighs, in turn, then slowly makes his way up, his mouth finding my neck. “God, I’ve wanted to do that for—” He doesn’t get a chance to finish before I’m pushing on his chest, rolling him onto his back, and straddling his hips, his hardness pressing against my naked core. I kiss my way down his torso, my tongue teasing the spot just above his shorts while my hand slides along his shaft.
“Ava,” he whispers, and I look up at him. At the blush burning his cheeks. “You don’t have to do this just—”
I lower his shorts and stroke him, skin to skin, feeling his thighs tense against my flattened palm.
“Fuck, babe.”
I lick his entire length.
“Ava,” he moans, tugging on my hair, forcing my head back to look at him. “Come here.”
With my hand still stroking, I make my way up his body again until my mouth’s an inch from his. He covers that space, his lips softly parting mine. I taste my pleasure on his tongue, and it only turns me on more. He pulls away before I’m ready, his hand on my nape, eyes searching mine. “I love you, Ava,” he breathes out. “I love you more now than I ever have.”
“Me too,” I whisper through the sudden knot in my throat. “God, Connor, I love you so much.” I kiss him again, and again, he breaks the kiss.
“I want you, Ava. All of you.”
“Are you sure?”
He rolls his eyes. “That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said.”
I giggle a breath, my lips finding his neck. “I have condoms in my nightstand.”
“Thank fuck,” he rushes out, reaching around him to open the drawer. He finds the unopened box and rips it open within seconds. Then he pulls out the instructions, unfolds them carefully.
I giggle into his chest.
“Are you making fun of me?”
I press my lips tight. “No.”
“This is very important, young lady,” he mocks in an authoritative tone. “Let me concentrate.”
While his eyes dart side to side, reading the instructions, I sit up and remove his shorts completely, then straddle him again, let my wetness glide along him, back and forth, back and forth. He bites his lip as he looks up at me, breathless. “You’re so bad,” he murmurs, laying the instructions on his chest. He grabs a condom, tears it open, then compares it to the picture diagram.
He starts to put it on, and I finish it for him. “Good?” I ask.
He nods, his hands going to my waist. “All right, I’ve waited eighteen years for this. It better be good,” he jokes.
I rise up on my knees, get him situated, then slowly lower myself, trying my best to hide the slight discomfort at the size of him. It may not be my first time, but it’s definitely not something my body’s comfortable with. He releases a breath he’d been holding, his grip tight on my thighs now, begging for me to stay put. “Are you okay?” I ask. Maybe I did it wrong.
His nose is scrunched, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Uh huh.” But his entire face is red, and his breaths are short, sharp.
“Am I hurting you?”
“Nope,” he rushes out, then slowly remo
ves his hands from my thighs, his breaths staggered.
I laugh at how hard he’s trying to keep it together.
“Don’t do that,” he says.
“Do what?”
“Laugh. You’re, like, clenching around me.”
“Okay, I’ll stop.”
“Good.” His throat bobs with his swallow. Then he blows out a heavy breath, his hands finding my breasts. He squeezes once. “So, this is sex, huh? I don’t see what the big deal is,” he quips.
“No,” I say, rising slowly and then taking him entirely again.
“Oh, fuck,” he grinds out, bucking beneath me.
“That’s sex.”
He covers his eyes with his forearm. “Jesus, Ava, I’m not going to last long.”
“It’s okay,” I assure. “You’ll last longer next time.”
He removes his arm, his eyebrow quirked. “You’re going to let me do this again?”
“Uh huh,” I say, lifting and then bearing down on him. “And again and again and again,” I moan, repeating the movement with each statement.
Twelve seconds later, I’m rolling to my side.
I know it’s that long because apparently, he counted it in his head. He gets out of bed to clean up and then crawls back in, his arms wrapping around me. “Welp, at least I know I can beat my PB time next round.”
I giggle into his chest.
“I’m ready when you are.”
I rear back. “No, you’re not.”
He motions to the space between us, and I lower my hand, feel him hard in my grasp. A stupid smile crosses my lips, and I reach across him, get another condom. This time, he sits between my legs, his gaze intense and on mine. Then he lowers himself, his cock at my entrance. Lips pressed to the spot just beneath my ear, he whispers, “You’re my first everything now. My first and forever.” And then he slides into me, and I bite back a moan, my eyes drifting shut when I feel his hand clasp mine above my head, holding me there. He moves, penetrating me. Not just physically. But everywhere. In every way. I find the spot above his heart, feel the magic beating between us, shaking my foundation… turning my entire world dark. “I love you so much, Connor.”
Chapter 19
Connor
I wake up no longer a virgin. Yes, that’s my first thought. My second thought is why I’m waking up at all. “Stay,” Ava whispers, planting a gentle kiss on my lips. I struggle to force my eyes open, but I’m glad I do because Ava’s barely an inch in front of me, her fingers stroking my hair. Her lips curve at the corners when she asks, “What time do you need to get to school?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble, pulling her closer to me. Mmm. Warm, naked Ava is The Best. “I have an alarm set.”
“Okay, go back to sleep. Come out when you’re ready. I’ll make you breakfast.”
I can’t help but smile. “Yeah?”
She nods.
Nuzzling her neck, I mumble, “I sure could get used to this.”
With a giggle, she pushes away from me, untangling herself from my limbs. “I have to go.”
My eyes drift shut again, and the next time I wake it’s because the covers are being pulled off me completely. Trevor yells, “Ava! There’s a naked Connor in your bed!”
“Fuck!” I gasp, grabbing what I can of the blanket, and cover my junk.
“Shut up! Leave him alone!” Ava calls back. A moment later, she’s at the doorway.
“Good morning, sunshine,” Trevor sings, lifting the blinds. I cower against the bright sunlight filtering through the window. “We need to talk,” he adds, sitting down on Ava’s desk chair.
Ava sighs as she walks into the room, picking up my discarded shorts from the end of the bed and handing them to me. I’m still half asleep, and so I fumble with putting my shorts on without revealing myself entirely to my girlfriend’s brother. Ava sits down next to me. “What?” she growls at Trevor.
Trevor looks between us, then settles his gaze on me, his eyes playful. “Well, well, Mister Duke. What do we have here?”
He wants to play games, and I’m here for it. I don’t skip a beat. “Your sister took my innocence.”
“Jesus, Connor!” Ava laughs out.
I add, unable to hide my smile, “It was pretty neat… the whole sex thing…”
“Quit it!” Ava cackles.
I keep going while Trevor shakes his head, tries to contain his chuckle. “Between you and me, Trevor, I’m pretty sure I gave her the best twelve seconds of her life.”
After getting dressed, I meet everyone in the kitchen. Trevor’s downing some bacon and eggs while Ava stands over the stove and Jo wipes down the countertop. “Good morning, Miss D,” I greet, hesitant as I stand beside her.
She nods. “Good morning, Connor, six-five, but is hoping for a growth spurt.” A second later, she adds, “Weak jump shot.”
The fact that she remembers me settles the ache I’d had in my chest through most of yesterday. I lean against the counter, facing her. “I’ll have you know, that weak jump shot got me All-American and a full ride to Duke. Also… I got that growth spurt I’d been hoping for. I’m officially six-six now, so you’re going to have to remember that when you greet me next.”
Her gaze flicks to mine. “Connor, six-six.” She shrugs. “Weak jump shot.”
Trevor chuckles under his breath.
“Eat,” Ava orders, dropping a plate of food on the table. I sit opposite Trevor and dig in.
“How come you cut his toast in little triangles?” he asks Ava.
She rolls her eyes. “You want some pepper with your saltiness, you little bitch?”
“Ava,” Jo admonishes. “Be nice to your brother.”
Trevor sticks his tongue out at his sister.
Then Jo mumbles, “Twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve.”
We all stop what we’re doing and look over at her.
“Twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve.”
“Are you saying the time?” Ava asks. “Because it’s only 6:40.”
Jo shakes her head as she turns to us, her fingers tapping at her temple. “Twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve.”
“It wouldn’t be the time,” Trevor mumbles. “She’d use military time.”
“In here,” Jo says, frustrated, as her fingers move from her head to her heart. “Twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve, twenty-to-twelve.”
Trevor adds, “See, she’d be saying 1140 if it was the time.”
“Mama?” Ava asks, stepping toward her. “What’s twenty-to-twelve?”
“In here!” Jo almost shouts, hand to her chest.
“In your heart?” asks Ava. “Your heartbeat?” Her eyes narrow. “What…?”
Jo shouts. “The Happiness!”
Ava’s head moves side to side, slowly, slowly. “The Happiness is at 11:40?”
Jo’s nose flares with her exhale, a frustrated groan forming in her throat.
“Wait!” I stand quickly, my mind racing. “She’s talking about the score!”
Ava huffs out a breath. “What score?”
I can’t stop smiling as I approach Jo. “The score, right? From our one-on-one the other night?”
“No,” Trevor whispers. “It can’t be.”
“Yes!” Jo nods, her smile huge. “The score!” Her arms go up, victorious. “I remember!”
“You remember!” Ava cries out, laughing.
“Holy shit,” Trevor says through a chuckle. He stands, too, lifting Jo in the air and spinning her around.
When she’s back on her feet, she laughs out, “Twenty-to-twelve!” Hand to her chest, she adds, looking right at me, “The Happiness. In here. My heart.”
“Your heart?” I ask through the knot in my throat, then lean back, my eyes to the heavens as I take a calming breath. “Shit, Miss D. You damn near broke my heart when you didn’t remember.”
Jo laughs. “Twenty-to-twelve.”
“That’s right.” I nod.
She smil
es wide. “I won.”
“You did not,” I laugh. “You owe me dinner!”
Jo giggles. “I don’t recall that part.”
“Oh, so you have selective memory loss. I see how it is.”
Behind me, Ava wraps her arms around my waist. I tug on her hand until she’s tucked in at my side.
Jo smiles at us, then looks up at me. “She said you’re not her boyfriend.”
“She said that, huh?”
Jo’s shoulders bounce with her giggle. “Yep.”
I lift my chin, look down at her. “So, what are you going to feed me tonight?”
“Neighbor’s dog shit.”
Ava giggles into my chest.
I say, “Mmm-mmm. My favorite!”
“What about tacos?” she asks.
“Yes!”
Every phone in the house goes off with an alert. Mine’s still in Ava’s room, and so I wait for Ava and Trevor to read whatever is on their screens.
“You lucky bastards,” Trevor mumbles.
“School’s canceled today,” Ava says, showing me her phone.
I read the message: Due to unforeseen circumstances, there will be no classes held at St. Luke’s Academy today, February… Another message comes through, this one from Rhys, and without thinking, I open it. It’s a picture of a huge three-foot rubber dick stuck on the main and only doors to the school. I bust out a laugh and show Ava. She does the same and shows Trevor.
“What’s so funny?” Jo asks, trying to look at the phone.
Trevor hands it back to Ava without showing her.
“Someone just did a stupid prank at the school,” Ava tells her mom.
“Show me.”
“No, Mama, it’s inappropriate.”
“Show me!”
I say, “Show her. It’s funny.”
Ava sighs, shows her mom the picture. Jo’s eyes go wide.
Ava looks up at Trevor. “Well, I guess we can call Krystal and tell her not to come.”
“Nah,” Trevor says, “the agency needs twenty-four hours’ notice, or they’ll still charge us.”
“Go!” Jo urges.
Ava rears back at her response. “Go where?”
“Anywhere. You two,” Jo says, pointing between Ava and me. “You go. Be kids. Have fun.”
