Zeb walked in just then, catching only the last part of the conversation.
“Someone mentioned beer?” he said hopefully, heading directly to the coffee.
“In your dreams, Zeb,” Les said, laughing.
In the midst of the commotion, Kate drained the last of her coffee and got up from the table, clearing her dishes to the kitchen. With a quick, almost apologetic look at Andy, she slipped out the front of the kitchen cabin. Andy sat for a moment, knowing somehow Kate didn’t need her to follow, fighting the instinct to go anyway and make sure she was okay. In that moment, Andy heard her mother’s voice in her head saying trust her, Kate told you what she needed, so trust her. Andy took a sip of her coffee, feeling the hot, strong brew in her bloodstream already. As she sat listening to the instructors talk about the day ahead, Andy realized she did trust Kate. For the first time ever in their relationship, Andy had the confidence Kate would take care of herself. And she had to let her. That was the shift: Andy had to let Kate take care of herself.
“She’s very insightful, your Dr. Morrison,” Trokof said, catching Andy’s eye while Zeb and Les bickered good-naturedly over their breakfast.
Andy smiled at the drill instructor. “Yes, she is.”
“Then the RCMP is lucky to have her,” Trokof said decisively, making Andy smile again. “And Camp Depot is lucky our original medic wasn’t much of an outdoors person.”
Andy laughed and finished the last of her coffee before taking her plate to the kitchen. She sorted through the food stocks in the back pantry and made a few last minute changes to her list, adding chocolate chip cookies for Les and The Vancouver Sun for Trokof. She refused Zeb his forty ouncer of rye whiskey. Then she pushed open the kitchen, noticing the clouds had covered camp now and a very light, barely noticeable rain had begun.
She surveyed the empty camp and checked her watch. The cadets would be back in ten minutes or so and would need time to shower and change before Kate could collect the weekly urine samples. Close to an hour until they could leave, Andy estimated. Going on instinct, Andy took a walk through camp to find Kate. She forced herself to walk slowly, smelling old, wet cedar as she passed the hedges and climbed up into the clearing.
Kate was sitting on the same log where Andy had watched the cadets running their first aid scenarios. She was looking up toward the mountain where the sun was blanketed by layers and streaks of grey. Andy approached slowly, wanting to give Kate time if she still needed it. Kate turned when she heard Andy approach. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she gave a small smile. Andy sat next to her, hip to hip, and Kate leaned into her automatically. Again Andy felt a sense of relief. In the past, Kate would have been giving reassurance, not seeking it. They sat in silence, watching bands of misty rain descend over the tree line. Kate slipped her arm through Andy’s, and Andy leaned her cheek against the top of Kate’s head and waited.
“You’re trying really hard not to ask how I am, aren’t you?” Kate said, and Andy was relieved to hear a hint of humour in her voice. And steadiness, even now Andy could sense her steadiness.
“Yes.” Andy pressed a kiss into Kate’s hair.
“Right now I’m trying to convince myself it’s okay to feel sad.” Kate took a breath. “I hate feeling sad,” she added, and her voice shook slightly. “Angry, self-recriminating, guilty, numb…. I can handle all those. Sad, I’m not so good at.”
Andy gave her a moment, knowing she didn’t need to say anything right now. She turned Kate’s hand over and traced the barely visible scars on her palms with a light touch. She had always been amazed by what Kate had done to find her sister in a slum house in Winnipeg after a panicked, late-night phone call. It had been bull-headed and stubborn and entirely too dangerous, yes. But also brave.
Andy knew now what she hadn’t known the first time she’d read the report in Kate’s file. Kate was fiercely loyal and protective. Andy worried Kate cast that net too wide sometimes, that she overcompensated for having let her sister Sarah slip away. But that was who Kate was, and Andy had to love her for it. With that thought, Andy lifted Kate’s hand and kissed her palm before lowering it to her lap again.
“Did you know she’s buried just outside the city?” Kate asked suddenly. “Sarah. We brought her home. My parents couldn’t stand the thought of having her in Winnipeg.”
Andy did know that Sarah Elise Morrison was buried in Burnaby’s Mount Forest Cemetery. She’d read it in the report. But she’d kept it to herself, knowing the story was Kate’s to share. Kate tightened her grip on Andy’s hand.
“Would you come with me, when we get home?” Kate said. “My mom and I took Tyler this fall, but I’d like you to come with me.”
“Yes.” Sometimes the shortest answers said the most.
Kate smiled, a genuine smile. It was tinged with sadness, with a level of heartache Andy couldn’t really imagine. But she did smile.
“I should get set up,” Kate said, standing and brushing the damp wood from the back of her jeans. “Sixteen urine samples aren’t going to collect themselves,” she added wryly.
Andy laughed quietly and stood also, giving Kate’s hand one final squeeze.
*
The sky cleared early in the afternoon, exactly as the weather report promised. It had seemed unlikely as Andy and Kate steadily moved through their list in Kamloops, ducking their heads against the rain. But as they exited the grocery store, each pushing a full cart, the sun shone thinly through the clouds. And when they pulled back into camp, everything gleamed brightly in the last, winter-thin rays of light.
As Andy and Kate hauled boxes and bags down the soggy path, recruiting cadets to help as they passed, Andy sensed a difference in the mood at Camp Depot. The troop was spread across the quad. Some were chopping or hauling wood, some were making their way back up the path to unload the Yukon, and Andy could hear a multitude of voices in the kitchen. It felt like Friday, the end of the work week, everyone laid back and easy with the thought of two days off ahead of them.
Andy challenged herself to walk the fine line of engaging and participating with the troop tonight, while also remembering to observe. They were still trying to achieve an outcome and as the hydro pole hummed its way into light, announcing that another night had descended on camp, Andy felt the weight of that unknown outcome pressing down on her.
Dinner consisted of hot dogs on the fire, industrial-sized bags of chips, and veggies and dip. The cadets carried the picnic tables across the quad, forming a circle around the large fire-pit. Zeb was carefully constructing a large-based pyramid, choosing just the right size and shape of log from the pile Prewitt-Hayes brought over. A cheer went up as the first flame of fire burned through the paper and kindling and caught in a perfect orange-tipped arc up towards the pale navy of the evening sky. Andy, sitting by herself on one of the picnic tables, caught herself sending a silent prayer up with the flame. Best possible outcome, let us see the best possible outcome for this troop.
“May I sit with you, oh fearless leader?” Les said.
“Sure, pull up a bench,” Andy said, waving at the empty tables around her. Les sat and pulled over the nearest bowl of chips.
“Kate said she’d be right out. She’s pulling a branch-sized sliver out of Shandly’s paw.”
They sat in silence, watching the troop. Andy took a handful of vegetables as the tray was passed around, and she chewed on a thick wedge of bell pepper, thinking someone got lazy with the chopping.
“You know, I’ve never seen them like this,” Les said, cupping a handful of chips in one palm, watching the troop.
“Like what?”
“Normal. Have you noticed that Prewitt-Hayes isn’t counting her flock? That the troop is split up into at least five groups around camp right now? And they’re laughing, Andy. Troop 18 isn’t known for laughing.”
Andy turned her attention back to the cadets. Prewitt-Hayes and Zeb were still discussing the fire, the young cadet attentive and interested and for the first time seemingly unawar
e of the exact location of the rest of her troop. The rest of the troop was scattered, some grabbing handfuls of chips, others using pocket knives to sharpen sticks for the hot dogs. Laughter came from the kitchen cabin as the cadets brought plates of hot dogs and bags of buns to the campfire. Andy felt the absence of tension, there was no heightened response as someone moved or spoke. There was no alarm. That’s what she’d been sensing about Troop 18 since they’d shown up at camp over a week ago. They always resonated with a deep sense of alarm.
As Andy and Les watched the troop, another cabin door opened and closed and Kate and Krista Shandly walked down the stairs. Kate was talking in low tones to the young cadet, who somehow managed to look even younger out of her cadet uniform. They approached the campfire, and Kate stopped at the edge of the circle, obviously wanting to finish what she was saying before they got too close.
Shandly listened quietly, looking down at the ground. Then, she nodded once, meeting Kate’s eyes with a shy, nervous smile. Then they both surveyed the action around camp. Shandly caught Andy and Les watching her and ducked her head, blushing. Andy allowed her thoughts about the young cadet to surface, but she held back on judgement, watching as Shandly left for the kitchen cabin and Kate came to join Andy and Les.
“How’s our baby cadet doing?” Les said, wiping greasy chip crumbs from her hands.
Kate shrugged and grabbed a handful of chips, then on second thought, she shoved a carrot stick into her mouth before sitting down.
“Shandly’ll be fine, just has to keep it clean for a few days. She’s just starting to get that ‘I’m too tough for a doctor’ thing. Do you guys select for that trait or something?”
Les leaned back and laughed, banging her palm down on the table. Andy laughed too, knowing Kate included her in that cop trait. But she said it good-naturedly and even with a hint of appreciation.
The three of them watched the action of the campfire in companionable silence. Zeb was still poking at the fire, a thick, soot-covered stick in one hand. It was the first time Andy had seen him entirely focused on one thing for any extended period of time. She guessed Zeb was the type who wouldn’t leave his fire post all night and would take it as a personal insult if anyone tried to mess with it.
“I’m going to see what’s happening in the kitchen,” Les said, standing up and grabbing another handful of chips. “Save my spot, okay ladies?”
Andy got the sense Kate had something to say but she waited it out.
“You should find some time to talk to Cadet Shandly tonight,” Kate said, her words vague and her tone the kind of neutral that let Andy know she needed to pay attention.
“About anything in particular?”
Kate just turned and smiled at Andy, shaking her head a little to let Andy know she wasn’t going to share.
“Fine, make me work,” Andy mumbled.
Kate laughed and bumped Andy’s knee with her own. Andy suddenly wished they were alone, that she could pull Kate onto her lap and kiss her from her ear down to her collarbone, until Kate’s laugh became a moan. Andy shook her head and let the thought slip away as her heart returned to its normal rhythm. Kate looked up and smiled. Andy fought the urge to touch her. Friday night feel or not, they were at work.
Les made her way back over to them, and Andy had to admit she was thankful for the distraction.
“Kurtz just radioed up to camp,” Les said, sitting down. “The lab called Staff Sgt. Finns’s office who faxed the message up to Kurtz. All our cadets peed clean.”
Andy nodded once quickly in acknowledgement, though a sense of relief flooded her body.
“Did they fax over the report?” Kate said.
“Kurtz said it’s in an envelope with Andy’s name on it in the front hall. I’m glad they’re clean. Again. I stress out every time, wondering who it might be.”
“How prevalent are steroids at Depot?” Kate said.
Les looked at Andy quickly, her mouth hardening into a line of defensiveness. Then Les sighed and looked back at the cadets jostling for position around the fire so they could cook their hotdogs.
“Not prevalent, but performance enhancing drugs have a history at Depot. A few cadets always think they can beat the system and try drugs instead of working their asses off to pass the PARE.”
Andy held her silence. She’d considered the possibility it was steroids when Lincoln first told her about the case. But not enough added up and everyone in Troop 18 had passed their PARE. Andy hadn’t known any cadets who used drugs when she was at Depot, but the rumours had been rampant. She’d assumed she was included in those rumours. She’d never failed at the PARE, not even during the training. That had pissed off a lot of people.
“What are the urine tests testing for?” Andy said to Kate, keeping her voice low and her eyes on the troop.
“A basic toxicology screen looks for the presence or absence of both legal and illegal substances,” Kate said, her voice falling into the even, professional cadence that told Andy she was accessing the giant vault of information she was able to carry around in her head. “So it tests for over the counter-medication as well as alcohol, narcotics, anti-psychotics, marijuana, amphetamines, PCPs, barbituates, GHBs, Rohypnol…all the bad stuff. Any of that will show up in a tox screen.”
“But not quantity.”
“Right. Urine tests detect presence or absence. Only blood work can confirm levels of any substance detected in the blood. And there would either have to be consent to have blood drawn for a tox screen or to declare the case emergent enough to bypass consent.”
“What if I just don’t want it to be drugs?” Les said. “What if I’m so afraid it’s drugs that I’m overlooking something or explaining it away just so it’s not?”
“Best outcome,” Kate said, repeating Andy’s question to Sergeant Trokof from days earlier. “What do you see as the best possible outcome for the troop, Les?”
Les didn’t say anything at first, and Andy started to wonder if she was going to answer the question. If she even had an answer.
“I just want them to be happy. Even if they don’t all make it through and become Mounties. I just want to know that they’re happy.” Les paused, looked back to Kate and Andy. “I know, I’m such a mom.”
Kate laughed and even Andy had to smile. “Are you missing your kids by any chance, Sgt. Manitou?”
“They’re small, messy devils, that’s what they are,” Les grumbled, grabbing another handful of chips. “And I miss every one of them. My husband included.”
They watched as the first wave of cadets handed off their roasting sticks to the second wave, passing the inevitable jokes about charbroiled wieners and hot sausages.
“What about you two? Are kids in the plan or what?” Les said.
Andy felt her stomach tighten.
“We haven’t talked about it,” Kate said lightly with a small, knowing smile to Andy. Andy focused on that smile, on the seemingly sympathetic look in Kate’s eyes. “But Andy’s about to become an aunt again any day now,” she added, smoothly diverting the topic.
Les gave a delighted sound, jumping on this piece of information with a ton of questions. Andy listened but allowed Kate to answer for her. She was too caught up in trying to figure out Kate’s answer and the implications behind that look. Andy loved her niece and nephew. She loved how different they were from each other, how smart and how fun. She had been honoured when her best friend Nic and her partner Erika has asked her to be godparent and guardian to their son, Max. Andy had known him since the day he was born and was so incredibly proud that she could watch him grow up and see who that chubby, smiling boy would become.
But Andy had never wanted her own kids. She couldn’t imagine it, couldn’t picture how it fit into her life. She couldn’t understand the compromise of work and family, how to stretch the hours in the day to do both to the standard she thought each deserved. As she listened to Kate and Les discussing the pitfalls of raising teenagers, Andy had a brief moment of panic. She really
didn’t know what Kate’s thoughts were on having kids. This clearly wasn’t the time to discuss it, but they should. Not now and maybe not for a long time. When Kate was ready.
Andy consciously switched her attention from Kate and Les back to the cadets. Foster concentrated on rotating his hot dog over the flames at just the right speed, clearly attempting to get a perfectly even char. Andy watched as Mancini, who had three hot dogs on one stick and seemed to grow quickly bored of roasting, accidentally bumped into Foster on his way to the condiments. Foster’s stick dipped into the fire, coming up covered in ash. Foster’s whole body changed. He went rigid with unchecked anger, his face becoming a mask of outright fury, his free hand automatically clenched into a fist, his body turning in one swift movement.
Startled by his response, Andy began to rise from her seat, thinking she was going to have to break up a fight. But Foster checked it, the change to his body so incredibly rapid that Andy had to wonder if she’d imagined the anger in the first place. Andy continued moving toward the fire, still wanting to hear the exchange between the two cadets.
“Sorry man…dude, sorry, it was an accident,” Mancini was saying, holding his hands up. He’d clearly seen Foster’s reaction and was attempting to placate the pissed-off cadet. Andy figured Mancini would be the type to snap if he got any push-back. But Foster had changed his attitude, his face back to neutral, his body still tight but his fists no longer ready to punch.
“Never get between a native and his hot dog,” Foster said, his face still blank, his tone deadpan.
Mancini laughed nervously, like he couldn’t really tell if Foster was joking or not. Foster let it stretch out before finally offering a small, sidewise grin. “I’m messing with you. Grab me another dog on your way back.”
Mancini relaxed and offered Foster one of his own which started a joking, heated debate about standards of hot dog roasting. Andy, passing the cadets now, thought back to Les’s comment from earlier in the evening. Everything about this exchange was normal. They were showing the typical extremes of camaraderie, the expected spikes and dips of annoyance and acceptance. The most alarming thing about Troop 18 had always been their unnatural flatness.
Troop 18 Page 16
