by Merry Farmer
Tabby exchanged a mock alarmed look with Arch. If Brother Anthony was off his usual game, there was no telling how wild this ceremony would be. Arch must have thought the same thing, because he burst into a smile, then struggled to keep it from becoming a laugh.
“Right. You ready?” Brother Anthony asked everyone standing in front of him.
As one, Tabby, Arch, and all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen nodded and said, “Yes.”
“Well, here goes nothing.” Brother Anthony cleared his throat, stood straight, and said, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of this man and this woman. Marriage is a sacred institution that should not be entered into lightly, so if anyone here knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.” He glanced up, checking with everyone in attendance.
Tabby’s brow inched up, and she sent Arch a look to say she was highly impressed with how smooth and…normal the ceremony was turning out to be. Arch’s grin spread from ear-to-ear, telling her that he was just as impressed.
“Now, Archibald James O’Donnell—” Tabby had to bite her lip at the use of Arch’s full name. She’d known what it was for years, but every time she heard it, she was reminded of all the “baldy” jokes he’d endured in school, and the time he’d worn a bald cap to the eight grade Christmas show to make a point. “—do you take this woman, Tabitha Montgomery Ross, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”
Arch blinked, sending an impressed look from Tabby to Brother Anthony and back again. “I do,” he said, his tone saying something more like, “Wow, I can’t believe you got that whole thing out without embellishing or tripping up once.”
Brother Anthony smiled and turned to Tabby. “And do you, Tabitha Montgomery Ross, take this man, Archibald James O’Donnell, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish until death do you part?”
“I do,” Tabby said with the same note of surprise and delight over how well Brother Anthony had done. Well, it was Christmas, after all, and Christmas was the time of miracles.
“Then by the power invested in me by God and the State of Wyoming, I now pronounce you man and wife,” Brother Anthony finished. “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. You may kiss the bride.”
A thrill shot through Tabby’s body. Were they really going to go through with a kiss? She hadn’t kissed Arch for more than fifteen years, but in an instant, she remembered long, hot summer nights when the two of them had spent hours fused at the lips. Arch had been a great kisser back then. She supposed he’d only gotten better with age. Now was the time to find out.
“Uh…” Arch twisted to mutter over his shoulder to Sly. “Do you want me to kiss her for your video?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Sly replied. There was something funny about his tone of voice, almost like he was laughing.
Tabby didn’t have more than three seconds to consider it. Arch turned back to her, cleared his throat, and said, “You don’t mind?”
“Not at all,” Tabby answered, her voice hoarse.
She only paused to wonder why she’d sounded so eager when minutes before she’d been close to yelling at him, when Arch stepped forward and put his arms around her. He pulled her against him and lowered his head to bring his lips to hers. And in a glorious instant, everything in the world was perfect. His mouth was warm and eager against hers, even though it was all pretend. She closed her eyes and lost herself in the joy of being held and kissed by Arch. Yes, it was every bit as amazing as she’d remembered it was. She closed her arms around his shoulders and kissed him back.
The sound of applause jolted her out of the dreamy state she’d slipped into. Arch tensed and straightened, and Tabby took a step back. Sly must have directed the others to applaud for the video. She could imagine some kind of voiceover right at that point, explaining all of the wedding chapel’s features. But really, that was all just a distraction to keep herself from thinking about how hard her heart was pounding…or how badly she wanted to kiss Arch again.
Arch stared at her as though he’d been hit in the head with a brick. His face had gone a pleasing shade of red. “Uh,” he began as if he didn’t quite know where he was. “You need me to do anything else?”
Oh, yeah. Tabby knew exactly what else he could do for her.
“Well, there’s the license,” Brother Anthony said. “To make it all official and legal.”
“Right.” Sly jumped into action, gesturing hurriedly for Doc to bring over a piece of paper. “Let’s get a good shot of that for the cameras.”
There was something almost manic in the way Doc slapped the paper down on a small table that Sammy brought over from the side of the chapel. Tabby had to admit that she’d never seen an official marriage license before, but the one Doc put in front of them looked an awful lot like the real thing.
“Are you sure this isn’t wasting one of Brother Anthony’s official certificates?” Arch asked, proving he’d been thinking the same thing that she had.
“Trust me, it’s not a waste,” Sly answered. “Go ahead and sign it, then Sammy and I will sign too as witnesses.”
“And me too,” Brother Anthony added from behind Tabby and Arch. “It’s not official until it’s signed by all parties and filed with the state.”
Relief dispelled the tension in Tabby’s shoulders. “Well, as long as you don’t file it,” she joked and took the pen as Sly handed it to her.
No one giggled or replied to her joke as she signed her full name on the certificate. In fact, they all seemed to be holding their breath. She straightened and handed the pen to Arch, who wore a slight frown as he bent to sign his full name as well. He had barely finished when Sammy snatched the pen from him.
“What—” Arch could barely start his question, let alone finish it, before Sly elbowed him out of the way, practically dragging Brother Anthony forward. Sly signed when Sammy was finished, then pushed the pen on Brother Anthony.
Brother Anthony bent to sign, then suddenly straightened and turned to Tabby and Arch. “Boy, I’m sure sorry that I loused those vows up so badly. Usually I—”
“No time,” Sly interrupted, taking Brother Anthony’s arm and steering him back to sign the license. “You did fine. Hurry, hurry.”
“I’ve done much better.” Brother Anthony shook his head and signed the license.
As soon as he was done, it was like fireworks went off. Sammy snatched the license and bolted for the door.
“Go, go, go!” Elvie shouted after her.
Everyone else burst into laughter and cheers. Only Tabby and Arch were left standing there, looking confused. An eerie, itchy feeling began to spread down Tabby’s back.
“What just happened?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Arch answered.
“I do.” Sly reached out to shake his brother’s hand. “Congratulations,” he said, shifting to shake Tabby’s. “Welcome to the family.”
“What?” Tabby blinked rapidly.
“You’ve just been married,” Elvie said.
Chapter 6
Arch was so stunned that he could do nothing but stand there, mouth hanging open.
“Married?” Tabby demanded beside him, half incredulous, half disbelieving.
“Yep.” Sly let her hand go.
“I always wanted a sister,” Elvie giggled.
Reality started to seep back in around the edges of Arch’s shock. No, not reality. This was definitely not reality.
“You said it was a proof of concept video.” Arch rounded on his brother. “You asked me to do you a favor and play the part of the groom.”
“Yeah,” Tabby added, planting her fists on her hips. She looked sizzling hot in her wedding dress, angry as all get-out.
But he couldn’t get distracted now.
“April Fools?” Sly laughed.
“It’s Decemb
er twenty-ninth,” Arch growled.
“You can’t force two people to get married,” Tabby said, glaring at everyone around them, all looking so pleased.
“We didn’t force anything,” Elvie said, giggling. “You two said some pretty convincing vows just now.”
“And that kiss,” Rachel added, wiggling her eyebrows.
A hot flush passed through Arch. That had been some kiss. Tabby had felt so good against him, her mouth soft and willing. For a second, he’d believed that the whole thing was real and she’d actually—
“No, you can’t do this,” he blurted, unsure whether he was talking to Sly or himself. “Two people can’t be officially married if they didn’t know they were getting married in the first place.”
“What’s all this?” Brother Anthony stepped forward, a look of supreme confusion on his face.
“It’s nothing to worry about, Brother Anthony,” Sly rushed to say, looking a little worried himself. “Thanks so much for being willing to perform the wedding on short notice.”
“I did perform a wedding, didn’t I?” he asked.
“You did,” Nancy stepped forward, taking his arm and squeezing it reassuringly. “And you did a very good job too.”
“I don’t know about that.” Brother Anthony sighed. “I’m sure I forgot something. It didn’t feel…colorful enough to me.”
“Well, as to that,” Nancy started, but let the sentence fade away.
There was a half second of awkward silence before Brother Anthony took a breath and said, “What are you two going on about me not performing a ceremony for?” He looked directly at Arch.
“No, no, I’m not saying that you didn’t perform a ceremony,” Arch began with as much patience as he could muster in the wild situation.
“Our friends were playing a prank on us.” Tabby filled in where he stopped, frowning but patient. “They seemed to think it would be funny if we got married unsuspectingly.”
Brother Anthony blinked at her. “But you did get married, suspectingly.”
“Well,” Arch started, rubbing his face.
“No, no, I married you good and proper,” Brother Anthony cut him off before he could make any other arguments. “I asked if you took her, and you said yes.” He turned to Tabby. “And you said you’d take him too.”
“I did, but—”
“Lovie would have my hide if she thought that I married two people who didn’t take each other.” Brother Anthony swayed back and forth, wringing his hands. “And she’s already serving me pot roast for breakfast and moving my shoes.”
A strange, tickling, sinking feeling filled Arch’s stomach. Mad as he was about the whole thing—if mad was even the right word for it—he couldn’t, in good conscience, watch dear Brother Anthony get himself so worked up. It was just as bad as knowing his prank had sent Faith Culpepper into labor. For every prank, there was always an innocent victim. That had to stop.
“It’s okay, Brother Anthony.” He moved so that he could thump the older man’s shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you did a splendid job.”
“Yeah.” Tabby jumped into the whole soothing game with him, like a pro. “In fact, I’d say that was one of the best ceremonies you’ve ever performed. Even if it was fake,” she muttered at the end.
“Oh, it wasn’t fake,” Brother Anthony assured her. “You’ve got nothing to worry about there. You took each other, I God-blessed you, and you signed that license.”
A shiver zipped down Arch’s back. The license. Of course. Nothing would be official in the State of Wyoming until that license was filed. He sent Tabby a look trying to communicate that fact. Somehow, miraculously, she picked up on exactly what he was trying to say. A steely light filled her eyes and a slight smile touched her beautiful, kissable lips.
“The license,” she said.
“Yep,” he answered as if they’d had an entire discussion about the technicalities and legalities of marriages.
A flash of something both angry and excited followed in Tabby’s expression. “Sammy,” she growled.
Arch knew what they needed to do. Without thinking too much about it, he grabbed Tabby’s hand and rushed down the aisle to the chapel door, where Sammy had disappeared moments before.
“You won’t be able to catch her,” Doc shouted after them.
“Yeah, she’s got a huge head-start,” Elvie added.
Arch ignored them. He pushed open the chapel door and drew Tabby through, then continued on to the outside door.
It was freezing outside, but at least the sun was shining. Arch’s tux wasn’t exactly made of wool, and the wedding dress Tabby had borrowed for the video was sleeveless. Stepping outside was like slamming into a block of ice, but neither of them reacted like they could feel it. They rushed down the front walk to the parking lot, although Tabby had to slow down with the slippery flats she was wearing.
“I’m going to kill her,” Tabby grumbled, squinting in the sunlight bouncing off last week’s snow as she scanned the parking lot. “I’m going to wring her neck.”
“And I’ll be right there with you, wringing the necks of everyone named O’Donnell or Lipinski in Sweetwater County,” Arch said.
“Her car is gone,” Tabby added in a much more anxious voice.
“Is that it?” Arch pointed to the car that had just turned the corner near the church.
“Sammy!” Tabby shouted. She picked up her skirts and attempted to run after her sister.
Arch followed, which was for the best, because Tabby only got a few yards before slipping on a patch of ice. She yelped, and Arch reached out to catch her. He nearly lost his balance too as the awkward weight of her body and her flailing arms and legs flopped against him. Luckily, he stayed on his feet, arms wrapped around her. Tabby clutched him tightly, her fast breath making clouds of cold between them.
“I’ve got you,” he reassured her.
She nodded and sank more of her weight against him as she got over the shock of nearly falling.
“Oh! Oh! Look at that!” Megan Bickel called from the sidewalk beside the church. She was walking arm-in-arm with her husband, Bob, who turned to take a look. “You two have finally gotten married! Oh, this is such a great surprise. How come you didn’t tell anyone?”
Before Arch could do anything, Megan and Bob had climbed over a crusty bank of old snow and shuffled along the icy path to congratulate them.
“I…we’re not…” Tabby pulled out of Arch’s arms and tried to recover enough to explain things, but she was swamped with a huge hug from Megan. Worse still, the entire O’Donnell clan and the Culpeppers were coming out of the church to join the chaotic scene.
“I’m so happy for you,” Megan gushed to Tabby. “I always knew the two of you would take the plunge someday.”
“We didn’t—”
“We’re all so happy,” Elvie blurted as she joined the love fest.
There was nothing Arch could do. Well, that’s what he told himself. Things got too big too fast. Megan and Bob weren’t the only ones passing. Three seconds later, Pastor Ben and Rikki came walking by and joined the congratulations. Then a few more citizens of Culpepper. And to top it all off, Bob and Megan had to leave for the Burger Barn, where they swore they would let everyone know the happy news. They even offered to give Arch and Tabby a free wedding lunch when they heard there were no other celebrations planned.
“We can’t just let this stand,” Tabby whispered to Arch as the two of them were whisked back into the church when the others noticed how cold and shivery they had gotten.
“No, we can’t,” Arch agreed. “We are going to do something about this. And then we’re going to get the others back.”
“You’d better believe it,” Tabby said with grim determination.
It took far longer than it should for Arch to change out of the tux and back into his jeans, long-sleeve t-shirt, and fleece. His brothers and the Culpepper guys wouldn’t leave him to change in peace. They kept teasing and congratul
ating him by turn, laughing about how they had planned the whole thing and how easily Arch had fallen for it. He suspected that they were, in fact, stalling him so that he and Tabby couldn’t go after Sammy. But really, there was only one place she could have gone.
“We should head straight to the courthouse,” he told Tabby once the two of them met up again in the church hall, after the others had finally left them alone.
“Absolutely.”
The two of them set out together from the church. Tabby looked as good in her jeans and puffy jacket as she did in her wedding dress. She still had her hair up in a style that left him thinking of nothing other than taking it down later. But no, this was as fake a marriage as they came, and soon enough they would put an end to the prank.
The courthouse was within walking distance of the church—which should have been Arch’s first clue that something deeper was going on. Culpepper wasn’t large enough to have a courthouse with more than three or four rooms as part of an office complex, which meant it took all of three seconds for them to discover that Sammy had not headed straight there after all.
“We’re working on bare minimum staff this week,” Lois, the receptionist and mother of one of Arch and Tabby’s classmates, told them. “So if you want to get a marriage license filed as soon as possible, you’d have to drive to a bigger town, like Laramie or Cheyenne or Haskell.”
Tabby’s back stiffened, but before she could do more than turn to Arch, her eyes wide, Lois added, “Congratulations, by the way. I always knew you two would end up together, in spite of your playful rivalry.” She winked for good measure.
“I…we…” Tabby couldn’t push out what Arch knew she wanted to say.
Then again, true as it was, he couldn’t bring himself to say this wasn’t a real marriage, it was just a prank. All he could do was grab Tabby’s hand and lead her out of the office.
“Come on,” he muttered. “The least we can get out of this is a couple of free burgers at the barn.”
Only, they received the same treatment at Bob’s Burger Barn.
