by Fiona Keane
With the sixth crackle of thunder, my mind switched. Thinking of our lips meeting, kissing her back to life, it hit me. My greatest fear was realized that night; the one sensation and nightmare that drove me to protect Sophia. I almost lost her. I cannot lose her.
I couldn’t change what happened that night, despite my brain resurrecting that scenario in hopes of not letting her run or keeping her from the water, and she was here, so all I could do was subconsciously beg my brain to not remember the pain and fear I had in that moment. Was it there as a reminder? Something to frighten me into a constant rush of adrenaline, always anticipating something harmful would come so I could never let down my guard to protect her? Perhaps my mind played this trick on me as a reminder of what could have happened, had I continued to listen to others who hadn’t put Sophia first. I’m putting her first. Always.
“Jameson…” Her tired voice broke through the attack, slashing its glorious claw through the layer of angst warring between my heart and mind. “…You’re breathing so fast. Jameson, are you awake? Jameson!” The beautiful angel mounted my hips, shaking me while her tired eyes searched mine.
“Jameson,” she snarled. “What’s going on?”
“P…panic…thunder…”
She glanced out the window, quickly returning her eyes to mine when the connection filled her mind. “The storm. We haven’t heard thunder since then. Oh…are you okay? Do you need…just breathe.”
The tables had turned. Sophia was now helping me calm, supporting my ungraceful de-escalation from panic to peace. With her hands pressing against my shoulders, I could begin to breathe at a pace similar to hers, but I couldn’t shake the image of her drowning. No matter how long I stared at her, all I saw was the wet, dying girl.
“We’re in Portland,” she said through the painful memory. “You’re with me. We’re in a hotel that is far too expensive. We’re going to my old town tomorrow. Remember? We’re here. This is real. Are you…are you thinking of me? In the water? Oh, crap. Jameson, don’t think about that. Look at me. Look at me!”
I was. I couldn’t tear my eyes from her. She is unbelievably gorgeous.
“Don’t go back there,” she whispered, lowering her face toward mine. “I’m right here.”
Soph’s lips against mine were the softest blade, cutting even more through the negative thoughts that began to dissipate from my mind. I could move my hands, slowly lifting them to her thighs and resting them against her hips to stabilize myself.
“Yep.” She smiled, her body straightening again. “I’m here. See?” I nodded, a welcomed smile returning to my face.
“I’m so sorry, Sophia,” I muttered, embarrassed by my weakness.
“Why?”
“I’ve never had an attack in front of you before. I’ve never needed you to help me like that.”
“Well…” She licked her lips before they lifted to a smile. “I guess we can take turns protecting each other.”
“I’d like that.”
I filled with a cold emptiness when she crawled from my body, climbing from the bed and walking toward the window. Slowly, I could turn my body against the mattress, entirely in awe of how calm she appeared while staring out at the Willamette in the midst of a thunderstorm.
“You’re beautiful, Soph,” I told her, watching her lips refuse a smile while her cheeks reddened against the gray backdrop.
“Stop.” She blushed, widening the curtain. “Isn’t this the most beautiful day?”
I sat up, letting my legs dangle against the edge of the mattress while my eyes lingered more on Soph.
“I agree it’s beautiful, but it’s you I’m looking at. Not the rain.”
Soph glanced at me from the window, her blue eyes rolling. “Stop trying to woo me.”
“I’m hurt.” My hand met my chest in feigned rejection. “How could you think I’m simply trying to woo you?”
“Mrs. Black.”
“Oh.” I laughed, the sensation rippling through me with pleasure. “It sounds nice!”
“Oh, my God.” Her eyes rolled again and she approached me, accepting my open arms and sitting against my knee. “You’re trouble. I should have known the moment I saw you in class. Mr. Mysterious with his secrets, his troubled past, and his pretty face.”
“You think my face is pretty?”
“I’m starving,” she declared, running her hands through my messy hair. “Are you feeling better?”
I nodded in reply, sighing as she left my hold and headed for our bag to sort through the clothes.
“I didn’t get any of your clothes from the house,” she said with her back toward me, “because I assumed we could just buy you some.”
“That’d be nice.” I laughed, standing from the bed and joining her. “I’ve been wearing this stuff for two days.”
Her head rested against my chest, a heavy sigh leaving her mouth. “You still smell nice though. You always smell so nice.”
“I’m going to take a shower,” I told her, placing a soft kiss against the top of her head. I left Soph and the bag alone in the room, pulling off my shirt as I stepped away.
“Should I just run to the gift shop and get you something? Or there’s that boutique across the street? Jameson?”
She called after me, her voice muffled by the running water. I poked my head around the doorway, unable to resist the smile plastering my face as her eyes widened above rose-colored cheeks. She is so precious.
“I don’t feel good about you wandering around without me,” I pouted. “But go. If you’re not back by the time I’m out of here though, there will be trouble.”
“Oh?” She laughed, the sweet sound filling the space between us as she approached.
Steam was billowing out of the bathroom now, tickling my bare ankles. I softly poked the tip of her nose once she was close enough to me.
“Yes. For starters, you’ll miss our dinner reservation. Second…I’ll think of something special for that.”
“Deal.” She beamed, her eyes glowing at me with such innocence and hope.
Pretending this was our life for the brief time we could hold this moment was worth every penny. Pretending the farce of expensive hotel living, boutique shopping…sharing the same last name…it was a brief moment I would have done anything to continue. I heard the door click as I climbed into the shower, desperate to burn my panic attack from my heart.
***
I stepped out of the bathroom, adjusting the hem of the long-sleeved black shirt Soph bought me, noticing her staring out the window.
“Wow,” my words were few. “You…”
“This was in my bag from Elizabeth,” she mumbled, slowly turning in my direction. “It’s not really me.”
“You can be whoever you want now. Remember? If the new Soph wants to wear something like that to make her boyfriend’s heart palpitate beyond his ribs, she can.” I crossed the room toward her, greedily holding her face within my hands, begging her lips to give in to mine. “You’re absolutely stunning, Soph.”
The black dress barely hit her knees. It certainly was not Sophia Reid, but it was absolutely Ophelia Black. Her long hair was down, pulled around her left shoulder.
“You look okay.” She giggled through our kiss, her lips tickling against mine. I pulled away, narrowing my eyes at her.
“Just okay?” I lowered my head again, slowly pressing my lips to hers and licking her smooth bottom lip. I could feel her body melt into mine as our tongues danced with fervor and need.
“Better than okay,” she sighed, resting her head against my chest.
My right hand held her head against me, stroking through her hair before I kissed the top of her head. Everything was so indescribably different than how our life was just a week ago. A week ago, we were both terrified and paralyzed by my past. And in our new moment, even while running from that same fear, we were confident and spontaneous. Soph was blossoming before me, blooming from the daunting bud of the frightened girl who blew through my heart like a
storm.
“We’re not just going to dinner.” I took her hand and pulled her from the window and out of the hotel room.
She made sure the door was latched and followed me toward the elevator. It was a quiet ride down to the lobby, but entirely pleasant as Soph clung to my waist.
“Hold my hand, please,” she whispered, looking up at me as she kept pace with my long strides.
“I had every intention of doing that.” I glanced down at Soph, reveling in how her beauty stopped my heart, and ceased my worries. Intertwined, our fingers braced each other while we left the hotel and began walking along the damp sidewalk.
“Are we going somewhere else?”
I looked at her, my brow furrowed until I realized she was hanging onto my comment upstairs. “I meant that it isn’t just any dinner tonight. This is special. We’re celebrating your graduation tonight, Soph. We’re celebrating all that you’ve accomplished.”
“Jameson.” She paused, yanking me back toward her.
I held my free hand to her face, the pad of my thumb grazing Soph’s soft cheek, pulling on her bottom lip. “Please let me celebrate you. I’m really proud of you, Soph. And besides, you’re owed some sort of celebration for graduation.”
“Then it’s for both of us. Okay?”
“Think it will rain again?” I inquired, purposely ignoring her question and lifting my right arm around her sleeved shoulders.
She nodded, speechless, as we ventured along the sidewalk. The restaurant wasn’t too far of a walk, and I figured Soph wouldn’t mind getting caught in the rain again. I know I wouldn’t. Just the air around Soph was different here than in Florida. The calm, settled energy radiated from her into me. She was an entirely different soul in Oregon.
We were promptly seated at a small table near a window that overlooked part of the bridge, barely visible through the early evening haze.
“Which bridge is that?” I questioned, nodding out the window. Soph grinned at me.
“I’m not a Portland expert…” her eyes rolled, “…but it’s the Hawthorne Bridge.”
“You know a lot about this city. You are an expert in my book.”
“Well…I had planned on coming here for school…before…my mom…well, before we thought of Canada. I was going to come here, but then we were going to run together.”
I reached for her hands, prepared to take her into my arms if she felt consumed with the memory, but she simply reached for her napkin to wipe the stray tears that dribbled along her cheeks. My chest burned at the sight of her resisting such pain, the fact it existed within her delicate soul filling my mind with wrath.
How could anyone think of hurting her? I did…once…but it was to protect her in the long run. Shit. I’m such a disaster. I vowed in that moment to spend my life making up for ever hurting her, promising to give Sophia things she didn’t know she needed. I’ll make her happy. Truly happy.
“What is the drive like to Port Orford?” I attempted to distract her, surprised when she smiled and replied with a calm tone in her voice.
“It’s pretty, but it’s all pretty up here. It’s practically all forest. Pines, cedar, cypress. You won’t see anything but green and gray.”
“And you.”
She blushed, her blue eyes rolling playfully. “I can’t handle that attention. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“You’re not uncomfortable,” I teased. “You’re just not used to people telling you the truth.”
“I disagree.”
“I wish you could see what I see, Sophia.” My eyes welled up, glowing from the image of Soph in my mind. “I wish you knew how beautiful you are. I would do anything for you to truly understand what an incredible person you are.”
“I’m not responding to that.” Her cheeks continued to redden, her gaze avoiding mine almost entirely. My head shook with playful irritation. She would never realize just how perfect she was.
“I believe…” I sighed, smiling at her while I played with her fingers across the table, “…you might still owe me some answers from when we went to the beach.”
“Which time? The time you kidnapped me or the time Thomas and Elizabeth ruined our ice cream? Oh, or our first date?”
“Have we really gone that often?” I laughed, lifting my hand from hers and resting my elbows against the table.
“Yeah. Each time was eye opening.”
“Eye opening?”
“Well…” Soph giggled, her head shaking. “The first time was, obviously, when you kidnapped me.”
“I didn’t kidnap you.” My laughter filled the small area, the humorous memory of her exaggeration warming my heart. “As I recall, you came more than willingly.”
I watched while she bought time, sipping from her glass of water. Soph looked so happy, so perfectly content in the moment as though her mind refused to register why we were even in Portland. Perhaps her skills at avoidance were well practiced, something she’d honed after almost a year of solitude and grieving.
“We played that game for over an hour,” she began again, her expression soft.
“I really wanted to get to know you. I was probably flirting with you.”
Her head shook with a small laugh. “Why would you do that if you couldn’t…wouldn’t…date? Were you even thinking about how hurt I’d be when you finally told me you wouldn’t want to date me? Gosh, not like I even wanted to date. Yikes. No thanks.” Her ramble was adorable.
“It’s a little late to back out now, Soph,” I teased, winking at her. “I don’t know though! I knew I probably shouldn’t have even tried, but I had to. You know why. You can feel why pursuing you, following this, was the right thing to do.”
“I know,” she agreed, her tongue poking through to moisten her lips before she bit against her bottom lip in thought.
“What are you thinking about?” I lifted my hand from hers, reaching for my glass of water.
“What do you want to do for your birthday?”
“Pass,” I smiled at her, my eyes squinting over the rim of my water glass.
“Not fair.” Soph’s head shook. “We’re doing something whether or not you approve.”
“Soph, let’s just get through today. We can celebrate your birthday in August.”
“Pass.” She looked away, her cheeks freckled with a soft pink blush. I reached across the table, holding her wrist. Soph’s eyes were still examining the silverware when my thumb began caressing her forearm.
“Is it your birthday or my sister’s that has you too anxious to look at me?”
“Both.”
I pulled my hand away and sat against my chair, waiting for Soph to realize she couldn’t, and shouldn’t, hide from me. She is stubborn. The server brought our salads and she was still avoiding me.
“Then I guess I’ll have to celebrate you two by myself.” I leaned forward, my fork already poking at the salad.
“I just feel incredibly guilty about it.”
“How so?”
“How can we celebrate my birthday on a day that brings so much sadness to you?”
Samantha’s birthday was a difficult day for me, and I imagined it always would be, but giving light to that day in the form of celebrating Soph was like an antidote.
“The third of March brings me sadness, Soph,” I sighed, reflective. “Sam’s birthday is always going to be hard for me, just like my mom’s birthday, or your mom’s birthday would be for you…but there’s something good on that day too. I’d like to think that someday she would have loved to share that day with you.”
“She’d be a pre-teen.” Soph giggled. “She’d want that day to be all about her. Let’s celebrate her instead of me.”
“You’re the end of me.” My head shook, watching Soph in amazement. I couldn’t comprehend how a heart so enormous, a soul so wise and full of compassion and love, could fit into such a young person.
“No.” Soph’s hand bravely reached for mine this time, her eyes assertive. “I’m just the beginning.”
<
br /> I swallowed the bite of my salad, quickly wiping my mouth with the napkin and sipping from my water. Soph’s gall, the moxie-filled bravery that had started oozing from her soul over the last few days was amazing, utterly intoxicating.
“You’ve changed since the hurricane.”
“Sometimes there are things that terrify you so much, you simply can’t be frightened anymore. Of anything.” Her lashes batted slowly while her gaze drifted to the window. “I’m only afraid of losing you.”
“You won’t.”
Her blue eyes returned to mine, widening with agreement. “I know, but you know I overthink things too often.”
I also knew she couldn’t prevent being consumed by her fear, so I had to do whatever I could to take on the weight for her, protecting the piece of her that so innocently admired me, always seeing the best in people. Her sweet naivety.
CHAPTER NINE
Sophia
I placed my fork and knife onto the ceramic plate before me, distracting Jameson’s gaze at the window with the clinking sound.
“You all right, Soph?” He swallowed the last pieces of his steak before questioning me, briefly wiping his mouth with the cloth napkin. My mom used cloth napkins. She was trying to save the planet. I felt a smile flutter with my lips, the memory flirting with my heart. And yet, no panic attack. Don’t worry, Soph, it will come when you least expect it.
“Yes,” I nodded. “Just full.”
“Me too. I’m glad we’re not on a clock to leave. Well, we are…but at least tonight,” Jameson mumbled, “we can get some sleep. Much deserved, my dear.”
“You’re so confusing.”
“How so?” His laugh was infectious, a soft, rippling velvet that caressed my ears when it sang.
“You’re this enigma. This mysterious guy, this gorgeous loner, and sometimes you’re a kid. You’re just a normal nineteen-year-old.”
“I’m almost twenty.”
