I want to go on a walk.
Gideon walks beside me, his fingers curled around mine. In my other hand, I hold a bouquet of flowers freshly picked from the Royal Gardens. We walk down the brick trail until we arrive at the tombstones. I walk past Father’s headstone. I walk past Titus’s freshly planted headstone, a sea of confusing emotions roiling in the pit of my stomach by his death.
Unbidden, the memory of his last conversations with me comes back to haunt me. I remember the aching rawness in his voice, his confessions. I remember the look in his emerald eyes just before the glass shield shut. The love that shown there—and the terror. He could have hung back. He could have run through the exit while the others were rescuing me. Instead, he went after Gideon. He rescued our son. He gave his life for Gideon. And for that…I could never thank him enough.
I continue walking, passing my own headstone until I arrive at Mother’s. Setting the flowers in front of it, I kneel and pull Gideon onto my lap.
“You never got to meet your grandson,” I whisper to her headstone. I look at Gideon. “This is where your grandmother was buried.”
“Gran?” He points the headstone. I laugh and nod, wrapping my arms around his shoulders as he leans back against my torso. “I never knew her, but I know she would have loved you.” I rest my chin on his head, inhale the scent of toddler. The sun peeks through the branches of the tree, pale sun rays exploding across the cerulean sky. Full leaves rustle in the wind, praising the sun, which gives them light.
That tree was a seed, once. Rain’s voice cuts through all my thoughts. You are the seed. Now grow.
Tears blur my vision. Seventeen years of complete loneliness. Seventeen years in which only five people knew of my existence. Seventeen years in which every breath I took and released didn’t make a shoddy difference in the grand scheme of things. Seventeen years of nothingness. The familiar ache builds, pressing against my body and dying to be released. Tears burn my eyes in the memory of my loneliness, when a breeze brushes against my cheek and my name is spoken on the wind.
AURORA.
The whisper caresses me, and I close my eyes, inhale deeply, allowing the Spirit to fill up my lungs and renew my soul. I welcome the Hope. Embrace the Light.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE ANYMORE.
A tear is released and slips down my cheek. No more words are whispered, but they’re not needed. The Unseen has spoken, and every word has been received and understood. Because with Gideon on my lap, and Krin, Thorne, Ember, Rain, Walker, and all the other people who have had my back these past weeks, I know I’m not alone. I have a family—a family who cares deeply for me. My life actually matters now. I might have been invisible for seventeen years, but now I’m leading my country to freedom.
You have to find that passion. Find that gift that only you can offer to the world.
I smile. I think I’ve found it.
The Spirit wraps around me. Overwhelming. Mystical. Beautiful. And all I can do is soak it in, let it fill me up, let it settle over my body, into my bones, filling up my mind and every corner of my brain. In one breath, I release all negative feelings and fearful thoughts, then fill up my lungs with wonder and awe and pure, unadulterated joy.
YOU ARE THE SEED. GROW.
I will.
A whispered promise, but I mean every word.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE
AURORA
Thorne and I meet in the mansion lobby with Ember, Rain, Andrew, Elijah, Krin, and Walker, at Walker’s request. I step into the room. The lights are dimmed, and the sound of the crackling fire is enough to lull me to sleep, but I ask for tea from one of the maids and sink down on the couch beside Krin. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and squeezes. It’s strange, my relationship with Krin. I needed her so much in the beginning. Almost like I couldn’t step out on my own. But it was during those weeks she took to mourn Forest’s death that I grew the most. I learned to stand my ground. I learned to deal with the problems coming my way without needing a pep talk. She was always accessible if and when I needed her. But she stepped out of the way and allowed me learn how to fly on my own.
Thorne sits beside me. I still don’t understand Thorne’s and my relationship. I admire him. I feel safe with him around. I have…feelings for him. But after everything that happened with Titus, I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal around the male species. I don’t know if it’s fair to Thorne to let him hope for anything normal.
But that’s a problem for another day.
“So, there’s an important issue we need to discuss before tomorrow.” Walker looks at me. “Aurora, the people have been chanting your name non-stop for two days straight. When they thought something happened to you, and Ember’s family showed up, they were chanting Ember’s name. Clearly, they’re up for either one of you to lead. As you both know, Ember is older and so is the legal heir to the throne. But only those in this room know that. So I need you to discuss what you wish to happen, so that there won’t be any dissension in the future. What is decided tonight will be final, legal, and announced tomorrow. So tell me, what will it be?”
For the first time, fear creeps up my spine about not leading. I didn’t realize it, but I want Ky. I want to lead this country. Titus and Krin prepared me for it for years, and though I thought it’d never come to this, it has. I’ve tasted leadership. I’ve borne the weight of responsibility. And I’ve grown to love it.
But Ember has every right to inherit the throne. And if she chooses to do so, I’ll have to be content serving as her advisor—if she so chooses me to be in that position. I look from Walker to Ember, bolting my mouth shut and allowing her to make the decision for herself, with no persuasion from anyone else. She stares at the floor, her throat convulsing in a swallow.
“Holy Crawford, Walker,” she says, lifting her eyes to his. “Either decision will affect my life on a major level. But, I mean, I seriously can’t imagine living in Frankfort. That sounds like a shoddy nightmare.”
Rain snorts beside her, and she elbows him in the gut.
“I have no affection for this place.” She looks at me, her eyes alight with passion. “I can stay as long as you need me to help out with whatever…government stuff you need help with. But as soon as you get Ky on her feet, I think I want to go back to the Community Garden.” She glances at Rain. “If that’s okay with you.”
“Are you kidding? I hate Frankfort.” He lifts one finger. “Except the drinks. And food. If I can get good drinks in the CG, I’m in. Or, out.” He snorts at his own ridiculous joke and Ember rolls her eyes. These two. I could watch them all day.
“But I do have one suggestion,” she continues. “I think it would help you to set things up like how the old world worked—each county should have a designated leader to settle affairs so you’re not so overwhelmed.”
“That’s a great idea.”
“And I would love to be leader of the Community Garden. It’s much smaller scale, and the Garden is a place I’m passionate about.”
“Done.” I grin. “You can decide who to put in charge of the orchard.”
She smirks. “Dad, obviously.”
“Thought you’d never ask.” Andrew stares at Ember, a proud grin on his face. “Never ever thought I’d get to serve under my own daughter.” He winks.
“What about me?” Elijah asks.
“You’ve still got a couple years of school, little squirrel,” Ember says.
“Ew. No. Come on Ember. Just cuz you’re my leader now doesn’t mean you can call me that.”
“Actually,” I say to Elijah. “If it’s okay with Ember and your father, I would love for you to join Congress.”
Andrew’s eyes practically bulge out of his eyes. “C-congress?”
“I just fired Thomas Turner before I left, and now I have an empty seat to fill.” I look back at Elijah. “I don’t want to fill it with just anyone. I need someone trustworthy. You and I had some good conversations in the caverns. You had some
brilliant ideas to help establish the government. I mean, if your family is okay with it, I would love for you to join us as soon as possible. You could stay here in the mansion with me, be tutored on all things politics, and provide a valuable asset to Congress.”
A big grin spreads across Elijah’s face. He looks at Andrew. “Can I? Please?”
Two conflicting emotions weave through Andrew’s eyes. Sadness, but also joy. Of course he would want this for Elijah. Of course he would be hesitant to lose both his children in the same year. He looks at me.
“You have to allow family visits whenever we choose.”
“Done.”
Ember’s jaw is dropped. She shakes her head in disbelief. “Thanks, sister.”
I wink. “Thank you.”
“It’s done then,” Walker says, slapping his knees. “My official job as head of the Resurgence is officially over, seeing as we have no need for an undercover rebel group anymore, and Aurora is chief.” He pins me with his green eyes. “Now that you’re seventeen, your coronation will be first thing in the morning. No one can take you down without treason.”
“Or without a serious injury from me,” Thorne mutters. The others chuckle, but he’s deadpan when he looks at me. His dark eyes soften. “I mean it.”
“Holy Crawford, Mcallister. Your Guard Dog complex is suffocating,” Rain says.
“Aw,” Ember says. “I kind of like this soft side of Mcallister. It’s a part I rarely got to see while I was in prison.”
“At least I wasn’t a cold-hearted drunk like your boyfriend here,” Thorne says.
Rain groans. “I was never drunk! I only pretended to be drunk for the sake of my appearance.”
“Right,” Thorne says as we all stand. “If that’s what you need to say to make your liver feel better, then go ahead.”
Long after the fire has died down and we all finish talking about everything from childhood years to our adventures in Nashville, everyone heads to their homes and quarters. But Thorne sticks around to escort me to my room.
He clears his throat as we head up the stairs. “So, what happened with Titus? You were telling me how much you hated him two nights before the arena, and then you seemed…sad that he was dying. I understand he’s your brother and so there’s a bond that will never be broken, even if he did hurt you. But, it just seemed so sudden.”
I turn to face him. “You were right, Thorne. There was some good still left in him. I just had to open myself up, let go of my pride and look for it.”
He offers a sad smile. “There’s good in everyone, Aurora.”
It’s so strange how much Thorne believes the good in Titus, when he saw firsthand how horrible Titus was. It’s strange that he doesn’t think I’m crazy for seeing the good in Titus. It’s strange how much he listens to me, how open he is, how patient he is.
But it’s not fair for me to lead him on this way. He acts like he’s just doing his civic duty, but there’s so much more to Thorne’s actions than being a Defender. He goes further than even a friend. I trust Thorne with my life. Deep inside, I know that I’ve developed feelings—strong feelings—for him, and that my soul will shatter if I don’t see him every day.
But there’s always going to be this thing—this terrible thing caused by Titus when he made me sleep with him. The dread I felt when he would come to my room. The disgust I experienced with myself when he left. I don’t know if it’s something I’ll ever get over, despite what Krin said about slowly working through it.
When we arrive at my door, I know this is a subject I need to approach. I need to do it for Thorne’s sake. I place my hand on my door handle, then turn to face him.
“Thorne.” I release a shaky sigh. “Do you…have feelings for me?”
He stiffens, then quickly looks away. “Of course I do, Chief. I admire your leadership—”
“No, I mean, the feelings a boy gets for a girl.”
He looks down and his lips disappear while he thinks. Then he lifts his black eyes to mine, all sincerity, all feelings are present in his onyx eyes. He’s the Thorne I knew in the caverns. The Thorne who drove me to Nashville. The Thorne who is real and raw and honest.
“Yes,” he concedes, his voice hard and straightforward. “I tried hard not to, Aurora, but…the way you’ve been so strong these past few months, the way you’ve treated those who wanted you dead, not just Rain, but even the politicians who tried to kill you…you’re not like anyone I’ve ever known. You possess a certain kindness that is rare, that I thought was nonexistent in our people. You’ve been through so much. And yet you’re so incredibly forgiving. So compassionate. And even with the heart of a servant, you have the strength of a leader. You’re what every chief should be—serving your people while leading them to greatness. And…I’m sorry if I’m being too forward. But I’m going to lay it all out there. I love you, Aurora. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. It scares me, these feelings I get from just being in the same room as you. One look in your eyes,” he says, shaking his head, “and, I don’t know what’s happening. I love you. But I respect you, and that’s why I’ve been hesitant to share my feelings.” He shrugs. “But now you know. And if you want to transfer me somewhere else, I completely understand.”
Every word he said replays over and over in my head, and I can’t help it—I can’t stop it—these feelings that have built upon each other. I want to throw myself into his arms and tell him I love him. I want to slam the door in his face and never experience these feelings again. They’re new and exciting and thrilling. But at the same time, they come from the same place that my disgust for Titus came from.
This will never work.
“Thorne,” I begin. “I have…very strong feelings for you. I feel safe around you. I enjoy your presence. You make me laugh. You allow me the safety to be myself.” I take a deep breath, let it out. “But…after everything with Titus, I just—I don’t know if I’m capable of having a normal relationship with anyone. My brain is screwed up.” I release a shaky sigh and look at the floor. “I need so much work, Thorne. And I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to feel completely comfortable around anyone. Months. Maybe even years. I don’t know how many counseling sessions we’d have to take together. It—it’s too much for me to ask of you. Someday, maybe I’ll be ready to take the relationship to the next level.” I stare at him through my unexpected tears and offer a broken smile. “But it’s going to take so much work, Thorne. And lots and lots of time.”
He furrows his brows. “First of all, you’re not screwed up at all. After everything you went through? I’m surprised at your strength and…normalcy. Second, who cares about time? It seems like this is something that’s worth all the time and effort we can spare.” Slowly, he reaches out, but before touching me, he searches my eyes, requesting permission. I nod. He brushes a strand of hair behind my ear, then allows his hand to glide down my neck, my shoulder, my arms. An unexpected warmth sinks into my skin and spreads through my veins. He links his fingers through mine. He steps closer so I can feel his breath on my nose, and the sensation sends an odd delight through me. “I’ve got the rest of my life to make us work, Aurora. I want to spend it with you.”
And those words are my undoing. Maybe this can work. Maybe Thorne is the one who can break through this barrier that even I can’t overcome. A strange courage fills me, compelled by his close proximity and the thrill he makes me feel. I lift my chin and my lips find his.
Gently, he kisses me. Softly, he kisses me.
I’ve never kissed a boy. Titus never bothered with the details, thank God. But this…this is something entirely different than sex. It’s like the beginning notes of a love song. Like the introduction to something deeper, something stronger. It’s a simple promise of respect and love. He pulls away before I’m ready for it to end.
“Small steps, Aurora.” He offers a gentle smile that makes my spirit soar. “But I think that was a good start.”
I�
��m surprised by the courage I feel. I’m shocked by the calming atmosphere that pulses around me in his presence. This is a good start in more ways than one. It’s a good start to my seventeenth year, but more importantly, a good start for Ky. This is the beginning of a new era. The slate is clean.
A white dawning has emerged, and I’m ready to face the day.
CHAPTER EIGHTY
EMBER
“It’s Coronation Day!” I bound into Rain’s room and leap onto the lump in his bed. He groans and pulls the blanket over his head. “Wake up!” I shout, pummeling on top of him. He lets out a different groan this time, as if I were squishing the very life out of him. “Come on, Rain. We’re going to be late! I’m sister to the chief, after all. People are going to notice if I’m late.”
He says something, but his voice is muffled by his blanket.
“Huh? I can’t hear you with all that stuffing in your face.”
He throws the blanket off his face. “You’ll make a grand entrance then.”
I roll my eyes. “Puh-leeze. You know how much I detest entrances.”
“Oh, you love them.” Without another word, he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me down beside him. The quick movement knocks the breath out of me. Then he crawls on top of me, a hand planted on either side of my head. He stares at me, his eyes gray thunderclouds full of lightning and frightening temptations. I release a breath, but before I can inhale, he’s kissing me. I suck a sharp breath through my nose, weave my fingers into his hair, pull his head down, and deepen the kiss. He moans and shoves his knee between my legs and I. Am. On. Fire. When he pulls away, his breaths are ragged and heavy. He studies my face, his gray eyes searing layers of ice and snow and winter vortexes.
“We need to get married,” he says.
Whoa. What? “Are—are you proposing?”
“Do you want this to be a proposal?”
“Umm…I’m not saying anything until you decide what you’re doing.”
white dawn (Black Tiger Series Book 3) Page 42
