"How can you be so sure?"
Finn rocked forward and I was instantly reminded he was still inside of me. "Because, you feel like heaven to me."
"Tell me more about how you grew up. Tell me how it was so different from here," Finn said as he traced lazy circles on my back and over the globes of my butt cheeks.
"You know most of it already," I said, turning to him. We were in his bed in the cabin after moving inside from the dock and quickly deciding we were nowhere near done with one another.
"Yes, but I want to know everything. What makes you YOU. Good or bad it made you who you are and I, for one, love who you are."
"You do?" I asked, although he'd already told me I never grew tired of hearing it. With Finn, I felt warm from the inside out. My entire being reacted to him from my nose to my toes. From my heart to my soul.
"I do. I love you. Fiercely. Possessively. Crazily. Always."
"That was beautiful."
"You're beautiful," he said, leaning in to kiss my shoulder. He continued to trace every little freckle and mole on my body.
"You know, if you keep tracing them all then we are going to be here for a while," I pointed out.
His dimple appeared with his smile. "I'm counting on it. Now. Talk."
I thought for a moment. I felt vulnerable opening up to him. I’d left out most of the details about my life although he knew the short version. It was almost as if I were keeping it to myself because it was my cross to bear and I didn’t want to burden anyone else with it.
"I guess it was like living in a different universe. One where every day was the same. We didn't celebrate holidays or birthdays. I didn't understand if it was my house that was different because of my father's strictness and temper or if every family in the church was that way. Every day we lived the same lie over and over again. The lie that the church was about family. Family above all others. The most important thing in the world next to God himself. And who knows, maybe in other houses, in other families, they were different behind closed doors. Loving. Kind. Maybe they let the women eat at the same table or look them in the eye."
Finn's tracing paused then started again.
I continued. "Maybe their daughters were allowed to speak without having the man of the house's permission first. Maybe they didn't use physical force to discipline the poor dim-witted females whose only purpose in life was to have and raise the babies and serve their husbands."
I shuddered.
"That must have been rough."
"I grew numb to it after a while. It was the only life I knew. There were days that I'd sit in my room and feel guilty for wanting to leave. For wanting a different life. I thought it was selfish and that by not putting others before myself I was the biggest sinner of them all. And now I know how brave and selfless she was. Maybe I was the biggest sinner after all."
Finn laid down next to me facing sideways with his head on the pillow and his hand on my waist. "But you did put others before yourself. You stayed, didn't you? For your mom? She stayed for you and you stayed for her. She wasn't the only brave one. You were both brave. For one another."
"You think so?"
"Say, we're all selfish in some way. It's human nature. I'm selfish because I claimed you before you had a chance to experience this world and find someone better. Think about it this way. If I wasn't the selfish prick I am, we wouldn't even be together." He cupped my face in his hand. "But it doesn't matter. Because I'm never letting you go."
Finn climbed over me, trailing kisses down my body past my belly button then lower and lower still. The entire time between kisses and nips he repeated his earlier words.
"I love you. Fiercely. Possessively. Crazily. Always."
Chapter 8
Sawyer
"Don't go anywhere alone. Promise me," Finn said with his hand possessively draped over my leg. There was nothing about his demeanor to suggest he was joking and I had a feeling he wasn't going to let me out of the car until I agreed.
"I won't," I said, not wanting to make him worry. “I promise.”
Finn leaned over to me and pressed a kiss to my temple. "Thank you.”
I blushed. "I'm going upstairs to Josh's apartment and then she is going to take me to the library." I got out of the car and shut the door.
"I’ll pick you up. That gives me time to get everything ready for our trip," Finn said, casually tossing out the idea I'd never heard him speak of before while backing up the car.
"What trip?" I called out over the sound of his roaring engine and the tires rolling over rock and gravel.
"What?" he yelled back, cupping his ear and smiling from ear to ear. “I can’t hear you?”
"What trip?" I yelled louder.
He put the truck in drive and flashed me a wink before taking off.
"Oh shit," Josh called out, I spun to find her leaning over the third story balcony of her apartment building. I figured she was there because Finn wouldn't have driven off otherwise. “Sounds like Finn’s up to no good.”
It had been a few days since I last spoke to Josh. Although Finn had filled her in on all that was going on, I felt like there was a gap in my life that needed to be filled by a few minutes in her company.
"Why is your face doing that weird thing where you don't blink. Are your eyeballs gonna fall out? 'Cause a warning would be nice. Or...shit. Are you gonna have a stroke because I don't think my renter’s insurance covers that, so if you are I recommend stepping outside of the building first," Josh said playfully even though her look of concern was genuine. She opened the door and stepped aside to let me in. I handed her the bag containing the soup from the bakery she'd asked me to pick up on the way.
"I don't think so?" I said but it came out as a question. I set my bag down on her counter and
"With all the shit you've had going on? I wouldn't be surprised. How you holding up?"
"I'm...okay. It's hard to be happy about my mom being alive and Critter being my dad when I don't know if my mom is going to be okay yet and if the threat of Richard is still out there," I said, staring down at the counter. "It will always be out there."
"Not always. We're gonna put our heads together and think of something. I'm going to spin my wheels until the rubber falls off thinking of any way I can help." She pushed my chin up with her hand. "Now chin-up, buttercup."
Josh came over and embraced me in a tight hug. She smelled like coconut lotion and her skin was warm like she'd been sitting outside. "I'm here if you need me. Always," she reminded me, searching my eyes for understanding.
I nodded and looked away before the tears came. I'd had enough of those for quite some time and I knew that once I opened the faucet it would be hard to shut it down again.
"What is this about Finn taking you on a trip tonight?" Josh asked.
"You know about as much as I do. Nothing.”
"Typical Finn," Josh said with a roll of her eyes. She took the soup out of the bag and set it on the counter, carefully taking off the lid to release the steam. She opened a drawer and retrieved a spoon.
"Who is that for, anyway?" I asked.
Josh pointed a finger at the closed bedroom door and motioned for me to follow her inside.
Something under the covers on her bed moved and it took me a moment to realize it there was a dark head of hair sticking out from the top of the stack of white fluffy pillows. Not just any head.
Miller's head.
"I'm soooooo sick," he moaned, rolling over with the blanket bunched up in his fists, pulling it up over his head.
Josh leaned over him and shouted through the covers. "The only thing you have is a case of the man-flu! It's not deadly, just annoying as all hell." She looked over at me. "Especially to the female population."
Miller pulled the blanket back down revealing a slightly reddened nose. He sniffled. "Don't yell at me. I don't feel well. I think it's the black plague." He lowered his voice to a whispery rasp. "Who knows how much time I have left..." he said, followed by a dramatic
series of coughs into his closed fist.
"Here is your damn chicken soup," Josh barked and plopped the bowl down onto the nightstand, sloshing some over the side.
"Stars or noodles?" Miller asked without so much as glancing at the bowl or what was inside. He pulled the covers back up over his nose, peeking out at Josh over the top.
Josh rolled her eyes and placed a hand on her jutted hip. "At this rate, just be grateful it's not arsenic." She turned and ushered me from the room.
"It's too far away," Miller whined, making a grabby motion with his hand for the soup which was in arm's reach if he would've actually tried to reach it. "I can't...I can't reach iiiiiiit. Don't leave me like this, woman!"
"He doesn't even have a fever," Josh informed me, ignoring Miller and shutting the door.
"Sawyer, why are you letting her be so cruellll!!!!"
Josh sneezed into her elbow and retrieved a tissue from the box off the counter to briefly blow her nose. "I have the same exact cold," she said, pitching the tissue into the trash and washing her hands in the kitchen sink. "And see how differently we're handling it?"
"Just a little different," I agreed.
She stared at the closed door. "He needs to woman-the-hell-up because I swear to God if he asks for one more thing I'm gonna load him in the truck and toss him in the drunk tank. He can sleep it off like Mr. Ward has to every time the Panthers lose and he drowns his sorrows in his grandfather's moonshine."
"You wouldn't!" Miller shouted came from the other side of the door.
"Oh yeah? Try me!" She shouted back.
After a few seconds, when no reply came, she turned to me. "I'm sorry about that. Are you alright? I mean, are you REALLY alright? I feel like we haven't had a ton of time to talk and I've been busy dealing with Mr. Crazy Possessive in there."
Fiercely. Possessively. Crazily.
"Josh, can I ask you something? You don't have to answer but I'm curious."
"Miller asked me to use my nail to reach something in his nose he couldn't. I told him if he asked me again I'd kick him in the dick, but the point is that no question besides that one, will offend me at this point."
"Gross, and noted. I'm curious," I pointed to the bedroom, "do you love him?"
Josh narrowed her eyes to slits. "Today might not be the best day to ask me that."
Josh and Miller were complete opposites. , you’d think they hated each other. But once I discovered they were an item, and had been for a long time, I saw it. The love they didn’t want anyone else to see. I can look back on all our interactions and pick up on the exchange of glances. The way Miller knew where she was in the room at all times. The way they always seem to be touching one another when they thought no one was paying attention. It was so glaringly obvious now that I don’t know how I ever missed it to begin with.
"The last time I saw you two you were at each other's throats. Have you two talked things out?" I asked, sipping from the bottle of water she handed me from the fridge.
Josh shook her head. "Only if you consider him showing up at my door, sneezing in my face and telling me he loves me and needs me to take care of him before falling face first into my bed, talking things out then, yeah. I guess we talked."
"The last time I saw you was the first time I'd seen you really angry at him. Not playfully angry but truly angry."
Josh strolled over to the couch and plopped down, tucking one foot underneath of her. I took a seat on the opposite end and mirrored her position.
"Yeah, that," she said, pinching her bottom lip and shaking her head, she stared blankly at the wall. "I still don't really know what that was. When it comes to Miller I think that I try to push back all the feelings so much that when they push through they spring out like a damn jack-in-the-box.”
"Maybe talking to him about it will help," I suggested, although I wasn’t one to give advice. I’d only had one romantic relationship and I was guessing as I went.
"You know?" Josh asked, narrowing her eyes, "for someone who claims to be innocent when it comes to a lot of things you sure can Dr. Phil a situation like a champion."
I didn't know who Dr. Phil was, but the way Josh said it made it sound like a good thing.
"Or maybe," she nudged my arm, "you're just a really good friend."
My chest swelled. "Before I came here I never had a real friend. You're officially my first one. And thank you. For listening. For everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Either Josh wasn't surprised or she hid it well. "And don't forget you've also got Miss Miller in there." She jerked her thumb to the room. "We're more than friends though, Say. We're family."
Family.
When I first arrived in The Outskirts I didn't have anyone, and now it seemed that I was adding to my family daily.
"I'm sorry. I know this has all got to be hard with your mother and all," Josh said, taking my hand in hers and giving it a squeeze. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. I had a good talk with my mother when she was with it for a bit and then Critter and then Finn. I think I'm all talked out for now."
And all cried out. And emotionally exhausted.
"Good because after dealing with Miss Prissy Pants I could use some damn silence," Josh argued.
"I heard that!" Miller called out. "Save me, Sawyer. She's sooooo mean."
"These walls are too damn thin," Josh said. She squeezed my hand. "Well, you know that I'm here for you, Sawyer. No matter what you need. I'm here. Finn too."
All I could do was nod in response. Josh was really a great friend and I was truly lucky to have her. I made a move to stand up when I heard Finn's truck pull into the parking lot but swayed and sat back down when I suddenly felt dizzy.
"You okay?" Josh asked. She pressed the back of her hand to my head then felt my pulse in my neck. "No fever. Pulse is a little quick."
"I'm fine. I think I stood up too fast or maybe I'm just getting the same cold you and Miller have."
She moved her fingers around my throat pressing up and down in various spots. "No swollen glands either. Answer me this, do you have the urge to complain about simple sneezing and coughing? Do you feel the need to be coddled while whining incessantly for no reason whatsoever?"
I shook my head. "No. None of that."
Josh looked to the bedroom door and grumbled. "Then you definitely don't have what Miller has."
"I heard that too!"
Josh ignored him. "Anyways, where do you think Finn is taking you?"
I racked my brain. "I have no idea at all."
"I can't wait to find out where. Call and tell me as soon as you know. Don't you just love surprises?" Josh bounced on the cushion excitedly.
I loved that Finn was planning a trip for us, but I came from a place where surprises ended in black eyes, bruises, and bleeding. So no, in all honesty I couldn’t say that I liked surprises.
Not at all.
Especially, the kind we never saw coming.
Chapter 9
Finn
As the small twin-engine plane ascended the look on Sawyer's face was one I will remember for the rest of my life. She paled as we gained altitude and her head stayed plastered to the back of her seat.
"Are you going to be okay?" I asked.
"I've never been on a plane before,” she said, her voice a much higher pitch than usual.
Ethan, my parent's neighbor, who they've known for the last three years, turned around from the front seat of the plane. He took one look at Sawyer’s face and said, "First time on a plane?"
"How did you know?" she asked shakily. Her hand squeezed mine tighter and tighter with each bump and jolt of the plane. I didn't even care that I was losing circulation. I was too excited that I got to share in Sawyer's first plane ride with her.
"Just a guess," Ethan said with a smile. "You are doing great!" He turned back around to the controls.
We entered a puffy white cloud. The plane began to shake like a bus driving over a rocky road.
; "Is this normal?" she asked. Her knee bounced furiously until I placed my hand over it before she bounced herself right out of the plane.
"You are doing great, baby," I reassured her. "And yes, this is all normal."
"Do you remember when you told me all of those facts during the storm to distract me?"
"Of course," I said. How could I ever forget? It was one of the best nights of my life. It was the first time I held Sawyer in my arms. In my bed.
"Do you have any more of those? I could really use them right now." The plane dipped to the left. A smooth turn. Sawyer jumped as if someone had scared her from behind.
I lost all feeling in my hand. I still didn't care. "Did you know, that in the history of aviation, that turbulence has never taken down a plane before?"
She shook her head in response squeezing her eyes shut.
"it's true. Turbulence is perfectly normal. It's not an indication of engine trouble. Think of it like a car on a bumpy road. These planes were made to drive on bumpy roads. Or bumpy air, I should say."
The plane leveled off. Sawyer grabbed her midsection.
"Are you going to be sick?" I asked.
Sawyer shook her head furiously from side to side.
The bumps subsided. The ride became smooth. "Look," I told Sawyer, "open your eyes."
"No!" she exclaimed, placing her hands over her already closed eyes.
"Do you feel it? No more bumps. It's beautiful down there. You need to see it." When that didn't work, I tried another tactic. "Where is my brave girl? Where is the one who wouldn't let anything stop her. Who was fearless when she should've been afraid? I need that girl to open her eyes and look because I know she would be upset when she found out what she missed. Because right now from where I'm sitting the view is incredible."
I lightly tugged on Sawyer’s wrist, removing her hand from her eyes. Slowly and reluctantly she opened her eyes and squinted from the sun. Once her eyes adjusted, I leaned over her toward the window forcing her closer so she could see the ground below. "Isn't it amazing?"
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