“It’s…a surprise.” I blew out the smoke and stubbed out my cigarette. I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her against me. Inhaling her scent.
Just a little bit of her to hold me over.
“Did you just smell me?” she asked with a nervous laugh.
“I sure fucking did.” There was no point in denying it.
“So, how do I smell?”
“Delicious,” I groaned. "Always delicious."
During the entire ride in my dad's truck, I was trying to casually adjust my hard-on. I felt like a thirteen-year-old who could barely control himself. I'd never been that way before but I found it impossible not to think about what was going on in my pants when everything Sawyer did seemed to send a jolt right between my legs. Like when I noticed her dress had ridden up on her thighs. When she crossed and uncrossed her legs and I caught a glimpse of white cotton between her legs. When she ran the tip of her index finger over the light sheen of gloss on her plump lower lip in the rearview mirror.
Yep. Long fucking night.
You’d think that once I’d had Sawyer that the desire for her would dwindle, like it had in the past with every other girl I’d been with, but that wasn’t the case at all. It was like every time Sawyer was around me I was more and more infected by this disease of need.
A disease I never wanted to be cured of.
A disease I’d gladly die from while thanking the universe for bestowing it upon me with my last damned breath.
“Are you okay?” Sawyer asked, resting her hand on my thigh and giving me a gentle squeeze.
I stifled a groan. “Never better," I choked out.
“You look like you have something on your mind.”
"Me? Nah. Not a damned thing." I pulled into the empty field beside the mountain and turned the engine to idle.
"Are you sure? We can do this another time if you don't—"
"No," I snapped. "You really want to know what I'm thinking about?" I asked with a laugh.
"Yes. Of course," she asked innocently, having no clue how much she affected me. “Okay, the entire ride here I was thinking of how much of you I still haven’t explored. About how I’d like to trace my tongue over every single sexy freckled inch of you. About the way you blush before I make you come. About how you pull my hair when I'm kissing you between you—”
“Ooohh,” she squealed, placing a hand over her mouth. There was that blush again. Her nipples peaked behind the fabric of her dress.
"But I'm trying to be a gentleman over here before my father kicks my ass for not taking you on a proper date."
"That’s what this is all about?" she asked, sliding over to kiss me on the cheek.
I closed my eyes to collect myself and when I opened them back up I trained my eyes on hers. “Yes. If you don’t mind, would you please stop being so incredibly sexy so I can do this properly?"
She leaned back in her seat and pressed her lips together. ",” she said. "Where are we going anyway?" she asked, looking around at our dark surroundings.
I rounded the truck and helped her down, grabbing the backpack and picnic basket from the backseat I’d thrown in earlier with a little packing help from Mom.
“We are going right here," I said, laying out the blanket on the ground. "Sit." She sat and waited while I gathered the rest of what I needed. I set up the portable projector on the hood of the truck, pointing it toward the side of the mountain. I grabbed the remote and joined her on the blanket, pulling another one from the bag in case she got cold.
“There isn’t a ton of date options in The Outskirts, same goes for the mountains. I did some research and the nearest movie theater to my parents’ place isn’t all that near. An hour’s drive and it's playing something I think I saw in high school.”
“I like this better,” Sawyer said. "It's more…us."
“You haven’t seen anything yet.” I set out the food and snacks on the blanket and passed her a bag of popcorn. I made sure I was watching her face and not the side of the mountain which lit up when I pressed play on the remote.
"Wow," she exclaimed, craning her neck to the twenty-foot movie screen now projected on top of the rock in front of us. "What is this?"
"This is dinner and a movie," I explained, popping a piece of her popcorn in my mouth.
“This is really nice,” she said, shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth. "And this is sooooo good." She spoke with her mouth full and when popcorn shot from her mouth she laughed around her full chipmunk cheeks.
I was just about to press play when Sawyer said something that made me pause. “I loved meeting your parents. Thank you so much for bringing me here. It was everything I thought it was supposed to be.”
“Everything you thought what could be?”
She sighed as if she were content. “Family.”
I always knew my parents were great. They’d put up with a lot of shit in my earlier years and even more shit as I got older. But suddenly I was seeing them from Sawyer's eyes. “You know, I didn’t even think about how this could possibly upset you. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “No. It was wonderful. They were so kind and gracious. They laughed and smiled and laughed some more when I spilled the water all over the table.” She chuckled as I kissed her head. “They were amazing.”
“They are pretty great. And they loved you.”
“Because you love me,” she said, like she was finally getting it.
I shook my head. “No, because YOU are amazing.”
I pressed play on the remote before I completely forgot about everything except stripping Sawyer naked and fucking her in the middle of the damn field. Music started playing from the speaker attached to the projector. Sawyer’s eyes lit up as she followed the stream of light over our heads to the wide tree in front of us where the opening credits of the movie were rolling.
“What movie is this?" she asked, bouncing on her butt and clapping her hands together. “What’s it about?”
“There were only a handful of movies that worked with this projector in my parents’ basement. One was about sharks, another about war, a documentary made in the seventies about porn."
"What's porn?"
"Uh…well." I felt my own face growing hot.
Sawyer remained expressionless while I stumbled around an explanation until she broke out into a fit of laughter. "Just kidding. I know what it is. But I loved that you're the one blushing now."
I reached in and tossed some popcorn at her hair which she expertly dodged.
"Anyway, to answer your earlier question. This one is called Juno. It’s supposed to be a comedy. Other than that, I don’t know much about it.”
“I’m sure I’ll love it,” she said, her wide smile beaming in the dark almost as bright as the light on the projector.
“Come here,” I said, pulling Sawyer into the crook of my arm. She snuggled against me while we snacked and watched the movie which wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be considering it turned out to be about teen pregnancy and giving a baby up for adoption. Spoiler alert: it ended with both the teenage mother and father crying in a hospital room over the loss of their baby.
As the closing credits rolled, I looked over to Sawyer who had a confused look on her face. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
She lifted her head to look at me. “Nothing, this was just…this was everything, Finn. I'm happy. YOU make me happy. Thank you.” She placed her head back on my chest and I could feel her breath against my skin through the slit between the button of my shirt. She kissed my chest through the fabric.
“Can you…” she started, but then stopped. “I mean, can we…”
“Sawyer, all you need to do is ask and it’s yours. I've told you that," I said, feeling the heat of her skin through our clothes.
She fiddled with the buttons of my shirt. I reached down between her fingers and slipped the button out of the hole. “Is that what you wanted?” I asked on a rasp.
She nodded.
“Tell me,” I whispered.
"Tell me what you want."
She looked up at me. Her golden eyes dark. Her pupils large and glistening. “I want you."
“Thank, Christ,” I swore, pushing her over onto her back and removing my shirt in record time. I pressed my lips to hers. She opened immediately so our tongues could meet and dance together. We groaned and moaned into one another as she reached for my belt buckle. When she had it through the loops, I popped the button and reached under her dress, pulling those white teasing panties down her legs. She used her feet to push down my jeans past my hips. My hard cock sprang free and I moaned when the tip pressed against the heat from her core. I stroked myself up and down against her pussy, coating my cock in her wetness. Teasing us both.
“Inside me, please,” she rasped, rocking against me, lifting her hips to feel more of me.
"Finally," I ground out, thrusting my hips forward and pushing into her in one long hard thrust. Her head shot back and her eyes closed. Her core clenched around me and I was squeezed from all sides, surrounded by the softest, wettest, warmest place I never wanted to leave.
We stayed out there on that blanket in that field for hours. We switched between fucking and making love. Sometimes we just stared at one another while I was still hard inside of her body and we caught our breaths. Sometimes we talked about everything and sometimes about nothing at all.
We came, we laughed, and we'd start all over again.
It wasn't until after midnight when I checked my phone and realized I had several missed calls from Critter. I clicked my text icon and froze. The world around me stopped. It was just me. Sawyer. And the text that glared at me hatefully from the screen in my hand.
"What is it?" Sawyer asked, turning me by the shoulder to face her.
"That was Critter." There was nothing I wanted to do less in the world then deliver the words I had to say next. I glanced up from my phone. "It's your mother. She's missing."
Sawyer gasped. "Where is…" I didn't need her to finish the sentence.
I shook my head slowly.
I wanted to save her from what I was about to tell her but couldn’t. My heart broke for her before I’d even uttered the words. "We don’t know."
Chapter 12
Sawyer
The second we landed we jumped into Finn’s truck and raced over to Critter’s house. Critter came out to meet us in the yard.
"What happened?" I asked feeling panic invade my entire body like an enemy I'd fought against and lost to before.
“She was on the porch. Maddy went inside to get her some tea. When she came back out your mother was gone. At first, they thought she just wandered off. But we checked the sunflower field, and there was no sign of her.”
Finn chimed in. "We can split up, cover more ground that way."
Critter shook his head. "You haven't checked your phone since you landed, have you?"
"No, why? What happened?" Finn asked, looking as amped up as I was at the news.
"Because Caroline is right here. She's home. She's safe. She got confused and wandered off. She was only gone for a handful of hours. Came back full of mud and mosquito bites. But other than that, she's okay. She's resting now."
My insides, which had felt shriveled up with the news that something happened to my mother, suddenly expanded again and I was finally able to take a deep breath of air. My first since Critter first sent word of my mother's disappearance. It was almost too much. I felt dizzy. I took one wobbly step and then another before strong arms caught me as I fell. I looked up into Finn's concerned beautiful face. He was shouting something at me, but I couldn't hear the words. I only saw his lips moving as his handsome face faded away completely until I was alone in the darkness.
Sawyer
Finn was sticking by my side closer than ever. Not just because I fainted and he freaked out but because we didn't know where Richard was. Apparently, Critter's man lost sight of him when he went into a bar and never came back out.
Finn wanted to leave again and I promised him we would go in a few days. After the scare with my mom I just needed to feel close to her and to Critter and couldn’t fathom leaving again right away.
Until then, I tried to go on with life as usual and make sure that somebody in our inner circle was with me at all times. Finn was tenser than ever. Looking out the windows every few minutes. Pacing in front of the door. Flexing his long fingers and occasionally cracking his knuckles.
"You need to calm down," I said, turning over a page in my notebook.
"I will. Once we know where that fucker is."
"Pacing isn't going to find him any faster," I pointed out.
"No," he agreed, "but it makes me feel better. If I sit still, I might launch through the roof."
"So, sit. That's something I'd like to see," I teased with a wink.
Finn took his eyes from the window to roll his eyes at me. "Smart ass," he grumbled. It was the first time since our date ended that I'd seen him smile.
I felt his heavy footsteps on the ground as he leaned in over my shoulder. “What is this?” Finn asked, reaching over me to the table where I’d left my notebook open. "Is this part of your research?"
“No. It’s…nothing.” I tried to snatch it back, but I was too late and Finn was already silently mouthing the words.
My words.
“Sawyer." There was an awe in his voice I'd never heard before. He lowered the page and gazed up at me. His eyes filled with wonderment. Pride. My stomach flipped. “You wrote this?”
I bit my lip and fidgeted with the pen in my hand. “Yeah?” It came out as a question.
Finn set the notebook reverently back on the table. He reached for me, placing his hands on my face. He pressed a firm kiss to my lips that I felt all the way to the deepest part of my soul. “I didn’t know you could write like that."
I shrugged. "Neither did I."
"It’s really good. Like, really good. Do you have more?”
“Yes, but mostly it’s just a bunch of scribbles. Art and religion are so closely connected. I never really knew that before. Paintings. Tapestries. Poetry. I loved the poetry so much I started reading all the poetry books we have here. They were…inspiring. I've been messing around with some ideas and the way the words feel to me when I write them. I feel peaceful reading them back to myself. In control when all I’ve ever felt was out of control."
"It's really incredible."
"This book is my favorite one." I reached for the book I kept out of order on the corner of the shelf. I’d been pulling it out at least a few times a day. I didn’t want to keep getting the rolling stool out every time I wanted to reach it on the top shelf. I gently placed the book titled, POETRY OF THE HEART, on the table and opened to the Maya Angelou poem I fell in love with in the first chapter. “I read this and it made me feel something. I realize that’s what the author was trying to do. Provoke an emotion. Relay a feeling. Vent and make people see inside her mind. It was…brilliant. Breathtaking. Then I thought that I might be able to do something like that too. Obviously, not like her, but like…I don’t know. Me.”
“I’ve never read anything like it.” Finn held up the notebook again and much to my chagrin he again read my attempt at being creative although this time, much to my dismay, he read the words out loud.
A bird fell from a tree today and sang his last song at the bottom.
Maybe, it wasn’t a song.
Maybe, I was wrong.
It could have been a scream or a cry.
A call for help. A plea not to die.
I was helpless to know and helpless to help so I called it a song and I moved along.
A bird fell from a tree today and screamed his last scream at the bottom.
“Too morbid, right?” I cringed.
“No. At least I don’t think so. It’s about perception and not being able to change things. The dying bird could be anything. Any person you can’t help or any situation you can’t change. It’s really…just wow.” He wrapped his arms around me. “Just when I
thought you couldn’t amaze me anymore then you already have,” he murmured.
His phone buzzed and he gave me a quick kiss before stepping to the back of the library by the storage area to take the call. It’s the only space in the place where your words didn’t echo or amplify like you were shouting into a megaphone.
The chime above the library door signaled a visitor. We didn’t get many as of yet. Especially since we weren’t officially open. But I wanted people to feel free to come check out our progress. I loved meeting more and more people from the town I now called home.
“We aren’t open yet but feel free to look around,” I called out as a familiar young woman entered, looking around as if she were lost. She had lifeless mouse brown hair pulled back in a severe bun at the nape of her neck. Her shapeless long-sleeved grey blouse and ankle-length black skirt brought reminded me of times I’d rather soon forget.
Am I seeing things?
“Sawyer?” the young woman asked like it was her who couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She tentatively walked to the center of the room with her arms hanging low and her hands clasped together in front of her body. She looked me up and down before her mouth opened in what looked like surprise. Her eyebrows arched. “You look…you look so different.”
It wasn’t until she was standing directly in front of me only a few feet away when I finally recognized her. “Bridget?”
She nodded and flashed me a small smile. If she’d been smiling when she walked in, I probably would have never recognized her. “I didn’t think you’d remember me.”
Bridget had been the closest thing to a friend I ever had, but that didn’t say much. Not being allowed to speak in public or within hearing distance of adults, or allowed to spend much time alone with others our own age, made it hard to forge relationships. Bridget and I were able to communicate through side glances and eye shifts, along with the occasional hushed whisper or stolen conversation.
“Of course, I remember you. What are you doing here?” I asked, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her in for a hug. I was happy to see her but my happiness quickly turned to concern. She was much thinner than I remembered. I could feel her ribcage pressed against me.
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