* * *
Cherri passed from guest to guest, thanking them for coming, the small sad smile never leaving her face. So many people had showed up for Baba’s service. So many more than they had anticipated that they had to move the repast to Colin’s house to accommodate everyone paying their respects. Colin stood against the wall watching Cherri float around the room. He was unable to take his eyes off her, afraid that if he did, something might happen. How the hell does she do it? he wondered. Comfort other people when the bottom of her world dropped out. She was hugging Mrs. Petrovich, her weeping next-door neighbor, at the moment. Colin could see the grief plainly on her face, and then there was Cherri, with almost no expression at all, rubbing her neighbor’s back, offering her comfort as if it were the other woman’s time of need instead of hers. The service had been sad but sweet, with no person unable to stop their tears. Even he cried and Colin never cried. But Cherri didn’t.
She hadn’t said one word during the service. She sat quietly beside him. Her two hands wrapped around his. It was as if she were an outsider looking in on someone else’s tragedy. For him that was the saddest part. He knew that she felt the loss of her grandmother acutely. The woman had raised her, and he worried that Cherri’s grief might be too big. That she might not know how to process it. It was as if someone had reached inside of her and turned her brightness off. That thing about her that made the world smile. He wanted to turn it back on, to fix it for her. He wanted to make it all right.
You can’t fix death, dumbass.
But if he could he would.
“Cherri.” Belinda grabbed hold of her hand before she could greet another person and pulled her into the safety of the circle she and Mike and Ellis had created. “How are you feeling, honey?”
“I’m fine. Mr. and Mrs. Petrovich offered to take care of Rufus for a few days until I get everything sorted out. They have another dog Rufus can play with. There’s no reason he should sit around an empty house all day.” She looked away for a moment, and Colin thought she was about to cry. “Have you guys eaten yet? Somebody made a rum cake that looks yummy. Baba loved rum cake. I can bring you some. Wasn’t Colin nice to let us do this here?”
“He was,” Mike agreed and looked uncomfortably to the women he was with. “Cherri, why don’t you stay with me and Ellis for a while? I don’t think you should be alone at the house.”
“Or stay with me,” Belinda said pleadingly. “You might get sick of staying with the lovebirds.” Her eyes filled with tears. “We could have a good time at my place.”
“Thank you.” Cherri shook her head and patted Belinda’s shoulder. “But I’m fine.”
She wasn’t fine. Colin could see that standing ten feet away.
“Go to her,” Rena said from beside him. He had all but forgotten about the nurse he was supposed to be having a conversation with. He was too busy watching his girl. “The old woman wanted you for her. Now go to her.”
Baba had asked him to take care of her. All those times his brain had warned him to stay away from her and he didn’t listen. He hadn’t wanted to listen. As soon as he was near enough to touch her he pulled her into a hug and dusted kisses across the bridge of her nose. Her soft body tensed but relaxed a little when he stroked his hand down her back. “Did you eat anything, love?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I want you to eat anyway.”
She nodded and burrowed closer to his body as if she was cold. Mike gawked at them, while Ellis and Belinda looked away. He didn’t give a shit what they thought about Cherri and him. He smoothed his hand down her back, bringing her closer. He no longer cared about what the world thought. He was done with the internal battles. He wanted this girl to be his because she made him happy.
“I want you to stay here tonight.”
“Okay.” She reached up and gave him a comforting kiss on the lips, like he was the one in deep pain, as if it were his great loss. She was being too strong. “I have to get back to the kitchen.”
“I’ll go with you,” Belinda said. She squeezed Colin’s arm before she followed Cherri out.
Colin watched her go, telling himself he could take his eyes off her but unable to do so. “I’m worried about her,” he admitted out loud for the first time. “She hasn’t cried yet. The girl loses it during sappy commercials but she has yet to shed a single tear.”
“Not even when you found Baba,” Ellis asked. “You were with her, right?”
He finally looked at his friends. “I was with her.” The back of his throat started to burn. “I think it hasn’t hit her that her gran’s not coming back. She didn’t let go of Yuliana’s hand until the paramedics came, talking to her the whole time, like Yuliana was going on a holiday. It bloody broke my heart.”
“Col…” Ellis hugged him. “I know this is hard for you, too. I’m so sorry.”
“What do I do?”
“I don’t know,” Ellis answered helplessly. “I think maybe you just need to give her a little time.”
CHAPTER 15
Ch-ch-changes
The house didn’t feel the same. There was no sound of clicking knitting needles, no one to call her dumb-dumb. No one to take care of. That was the hardest part of losing Baba. They took care of each other. A lot of people saw their relationship as strange, and maybe it was. But family was important to them. Family was all they had. Now she had nothing. But guilt. While Baba was dying she was feeling ungrateful about the way her life turned out.
She lay on the sofa, curled up in one of the many afghans her grandmother had made, trying not to think about her but finding it impossible. The blanket smelled like potpourri and medicated powder. Like Baba. And so many memories washed over her, she was afraid she was going to drown.
In the back of her mind she’d known that this day was coming, but she hadn’t expected it to come so soon. She wasn’t ready to let Baba go. But Baba was ready. She missed Papa, and it gave Cherri a small amount of comfort to think that they were together somewhere.
It made her think about her mother. Natasha. Where was she? Why hadn’t she come to the funeral? Had she even heard her mother was dead? Would she care? It was foolish for Cherri to want to see her mother when she hadn’t bothered to call or write or visit in twenty years, but she felt so utterly alone. So disconnected from everybody else, she thought it might be nice to know somebody who shared the same blood as her.
“Hello, love.” Cherri sat up as Colin walked through the front door. He wouldn’t leave her alone, visiting her every day since she left his house. Tonight was no different from any other. He came in carrying a bag of food that she had no intention of eating. Food wasn’t fun anymore.
“Hey.”
He placed the bag on the coffee table and sat next to her on the couch, gathering her in his arms. It felt good. He felt good, and if she could somehow create a coat that felt like and smelled like him she’d be rich. And maybe she wouldn’t feel the constant heaviness that invaded her.
“How are you feeling today, beauty? And don’t tell me fine. Tell me the truth.”
“I feel the same as yesterday.”
“Hmm.” He kissed her hair. “Slightly worse than shitty?”
She nodded. “How did you know?”
“Because that’s what I feel like when I see you like this.”
He was so sweet sometimes. He was a good man. A man who shouldn’t be wasting his time with her anymore. He should fall in love, get married, move on. That’s what she wanted for him, to fall in love with a woman who loved him in return. But he was too busy messing around with her. Before he knew Baba was sick he did everything in his power to keep her at arm’s length. And after … She knew he only made love to her because he felt sorry for her. It was the reason why he kept coming around, trying to take care of her. He didn’t have to anymore. Surprisingly, Baba had a will, and she’d left Cherri with enough money to start over someplace else. She never told Cherri about the money, and instead of being happy about its presence now
she felt angry. They had lived hand-to-mouth for years. Always just scraping by. They could have used it for so many things. They could have taken one last trip together. They could have fixed up the house. Baba’s last days could have been spent in comfort rather than relative poverty.
She didn’t want to dwell on it. There was nothing she could do to change it, and in the end she knew that her grandmother was only looking after her.
“Why do you keep coming over here?” she asked.
“Because I’m used to seeing you every day, lass, and if I don’t it feels like something’s missing.”
“Oh.” She cupped his face in her hands and softly kissed him. “You’re full of shit but I like it.”
He hauled her into his lap and gave her a real kiss this time. His hands tangled in her hair, his mouth was hot and demanding over hers. It was like he couldn’t help himself, like he couldn’t get enough of her. If she were an idiot she might think he was in love with her. But she wasn’t and she knew that Colin O’Connell kissed every girl like this. And he was only kissing her because he felt sorry for her. And yes, he liked her, but that was all.
“I’m not full of shit. You feel different.” He cupped her behind in his hands and squeezed.
“My bottom is shrinking. Do you like that?”
“Definitely not. I want you to start eating more.” He shook his head. “Didn’t I tell you that I only like my girls with big bottoms?”
“Did you?” she muttered. “That’s something I thought I would’ve remembered.” She shut her eyes and leaned against him, the heavy lonely feeling lifting. “Thank you for being with me through all this. You didn’t have to, you know.”
“You can’t get rid of me.” He kissed her again, sliding her hands beneath her sweater, tracing the curve of her spine with his fingertips. “Marry me, Cherri.”
For a split second she felt delirious. Had the man she loved just asked her to marry him? It was impossible. “What?”
He looked unsure of himself for a moment, but then a determined look crossed his face. “I want you to marry me.”
“What? Why?” She shook her head and climbed off him. “No, Colin. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean you have to marry me. People don’t even do that anymore.”
His head snapped back to look at her. He gripped her shoulders. “Are you pregnant, lass?”
She had just realized what she’d said. It was the thought she had buried in the back of her mind for weeks. But all along she knew. She just didn’t want to face it. She didn’t want to face the fact that her life wasn’t going to be her own. There would be no freedom for her.
“I’m not sure. Maybe.” Yes. She had felt the changes in her body, the tenderness in her breasts, even before Baba passed away. “I’m late but I’ve been stressed out.”
“And not eating or sleeping or taking care of my child,” he snapped, but his face cleared immediately. “I’m sorry, Charlotte. But why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I don’t know for sure, Colin. It could just be stress.”
“We’ll know tomorrow, because we are going to the doctor.”
* * *
Cherri stared at Colin as they waited for the doctor to come back into the exam room. He had been so quiet all day, and she wondered what was going through his mind. She wondered if his thoughts mirrored hers. They couldn’t have a baby. She just couldn’t be pregnant. But they’d had unprotected sex. On more than one occasion. He probably assumed she was on birth control. Every female she knew her age was. But that had never crossed her mind; condoms had never crossed her mind. Maybe everybody was right about her. Maybe she was too naive to realize that she could have gotten pregnant from being with him.
There was still a chance she wasn’t pregnant, though. Still a chance that stress and Baba’s death had just taken a toll on her body. It was a slim chance but one she held on to. She couldn’t be a mother. She didn’t know how to raise a baby. She wasn’t secure enough to be totally responsible for another person’s life. And then there was Colin. Every time she looked at him she felt guilty. He hadn’t planned on fatherhood. Her stupidity took away his choices. His freedom, too. He was going to be just as stuck as she was.
He should resent her because now no matter what, he was going to be saddled with her for the rest of their lives.
“I wish you would stop looking at me like that, Charlotte.”
“I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I didn’t do it on purpose, you know. I just never thought about getting pregnant.”
“Hush.” He placed his hand over her mouth. “Don’t you dare apologize to me. We don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet, love, and if you are it isn’t a tragedy. It’s a gift. You know I’ll love my child. You know I’ll take care of you.”
She did know that. She also knew that if he didn’t feel sorry for her, if Baba hadn’t died, he wouldn’t feel this powerful need to take care of her.
“I don’t want you to have to take care of me. I want to take care of myself.”
The doctor walked in just as Colin parted his lips to speak.
“Congratulations, Cherri and Colin. You’re going to be parents.”
They walked out a few minutes later, neither of them surprised by the news.
Seven months. She had seven months to prepare to become a mother. How the hell was she going to manage that when some days she didn’t want to get out of bed?
“Having a baby with me isn’t the worst thing in the world,” he said quietly when they were both seated in the car.
She looked over at him, surprised by the hurt in his voice. “I’m sorry, Colin.” She pressed her lips to his face in apology. “If I had to pick a man to have a baby with it would be you, but you honestly can’t tell me that having a baby right now is a good thing.”
“We’re bringing a life into the world, Cherri! A little piece of me and you. You should be grateful to have it. Especially now. Especially now that Baba is gone.”
His words, the way he said them, made her heart seize. “I’m never going to have a life of my own.”
She was going from taking care of an old lady to raising a baby.
“We’ll make a life together, Cherri. Marry me.”
She shook her head, panic starting to beat in her chest. “I—I…”
“You have to. Who’s going to take care of you if you don’t?” He shook his head. “That didn’t come out right. I want to take care of you. I want you in my home. I want to raise our child the right way. I want to be married to you.”
“I’m sorry, Colin, but no.”
* * *
Colin didn’t think that any man had ever fucked up a marriage proposal more than he had a few minutes ago. He was an arsehole. A world-class idiot. A jackass.
Who’s going to take care of you?
He shuddered every time he thought about what he’d said to her. Women wanted to hear I love yous and sweet promises, not be reminded that they had few other choices. Watching his father woo women most of his life should have made him a pro with pretty words and proposals. He sounded no better than a green lad asking a girl for a first date. Colin O’Connell, the man who never heard no from a woman, couldn’t even get a poor pregnant lass to marry him.
“Who the hell proposes to a woman ten minutes after she finds out she’s pregnant,” he scolded himself.
He definitely shouldn’t have asked her to marry him today. She needed time to digest their news. Hell, he shouldn’t have proposed yesterday, either, for that matter. The words just popped out of his mouth. Marry me. They came out involuntarily, and once he said them he couldn’t take them back. More surprisingly, he didn’t want to. She looked so sweet and sad and she felt damn good in his lap. Plus she was alone. He could take care of her. He could take her away from that shitbox little house and give her what she wanted. She really did need him.
Plus she wasn’t anything like Serena. He could trust her. They were good friends and good together in bed and now they were going to h
ave a baby. Marriage was the logical choice.
Who the hell are you kidding, lad? She doesn’t need you. You need her.
I don’t need her or anybody, he attempted to argue with himself. He had been on his own most of his life and he liked it that way. He might want her more than any other female in creation, but he certainly didn’t need her.
Lying wanker.
He pulled into Mike’s driveway. He hadn’t seen much of Mike lately. Maybe a chat with his best mate would help him put things in perspective.
“What’s up?” Mike said, inviting him inside. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Do you want a beer?” Without waiting for him to answer he walked to the kitchen and handed him one anyway.
Colin twisted the cap off but didn’t take a swig. His damn stomach was doing somersaults. There was no easy to say it. “Cherri’s pregnant.”
Mike froze, his bottle halfway to his lips. He said nothing for a long time. But his mouth smoothed into a straight line and his free hand clenched into a fist. “You moved fast.”
Colin laughed off the comment, but the little hairs on the back of his neck rose. “How about a congratulations, mate? It’s not every day I tell you I’m going to be a father.”
“Are you proud of yourself?” Mike put his beer down and stepped closer to him. “You knocked up a twenty-two-year-old girl. You think I’m going to congratulate you on your latest conquest?”
Colin stiffened. “Conquest? What are you talking about?”
“Your need to fuck everything that isn’t tied down. Your need to have every woman fall in love with you. You could have had anybody else in this town. But you were so damn focused on Cherri. Was she some kind of challenge for you, or did you think that sleeping with someone your little sister’s age would be fun?”
“Watch it, Edwards. I did not go after her.”
“You did. I saw you. Every time you were near her you couldn’t keep your eyes off her. You think somebody as naive as Cherri had a chance?”
“I couldn’t keep my eyes off her because she’s beautiful. And Cherri may be young but she is not naive. We both went into this with open eyes.”
Thrown for a Curve Page 17
