She was standing in front of an old chest that she had agreed to paint a few weeks ago. One hand on her lower back. One hand resting on her belly. It was as if she was in a trance, but she snapped out of it and took her box of paints off the shelf; in a matter of moments he could see the beginnings of a hummingbird. He stood for a moment, amazed at her skill. Amazed that in a few strokes she could take something plain and turn it into something beautiful. She was meant to paint. He knew that with every ounce of his being.
He walked up behind her, placing his hand on her shoulder. She froze and then turned at him, blinking as if he had broken her trance. He immediately felt sorry for disrupting her. But then again he had been waiting for her to come home all day, and she needed to eat and rest and unwind.
“Charlotte, I was going to take you out for something to eat.”
“Oh. Do you mind if we stay in? I want to get some more work done on this chest.”
He did mind. He minded a lot. “You worked all day. I thought we could … Leave everything behind tonight and just have a nice dinner.” He touched her face. “You’ve had such a long day. Why don’t you just leave the chest until tomorrow?”
“I’m fine, Col. I promised this thing would be ready by Monday. I think I’m going to have to work on it all weekend. Plus I like to do this. It relaxes me.”
“I wanted to take you away this weekend. You know, to celebrate your new job. I thought we could spend a couple of days at The Mountain House in New Paltz. They have a spa there. You could get your feet rubbed until you melted.”
“Oh. That sounds nice, but I can’t. I’m so backed up here.”
He nodded, knowing that already. Knowing it was impossible for her to keep up this pace. “You could take a day off from work next week. We both could. We could go for the day.”
She grinned at him and then pressed a soft kiss to his mouth. “I just started working, Col. You know I can’t take off yet.”
“I guess you can’t. That’s the best thing about working here. You can take off whenever you want.” Her eyes widened a bit. His voice was a little harder than he’d intended it to be, but he wouldn’t apologize for it. She had only done this to herself. “I’m going to order in. What would you like, love?”
She shook her head. “I’m a little queasy today. I’m not very hungry.”
“You have to eat something, Cherri. For the baby’s sake.”
“Of course.” She nodded and placed his hand on her tummy, and he realized it was the closest they had been in a long time. “Is pizza okay?”
“Yes, that’s fine.”
“Could you bring it to me in here when it comes?” She turned away from him and back to her piece. He wanted to protest, to demand that she sit at the table with him for half an hour. He wanted to share a meal with her. He wanted to talk to her, but he knew there was nothing he could say to change her mind.
Keep your wife happy.
His mission in life. But every time he looked at her he wasn’t so sure she was.
* * *
A week later Cherri lay on Baba’s old bed, looking up at the ceiling. She hadn’t been back to the house since she had gotten married. It had been too hard to come back and know Baba wouldn’t be there. But today she’d decided it was time. Time to clean out the house. Time to donate her things. Time to take whatever pieces of Baba’s she wanted to keep forever.
“Look at this stuff!” Belinda pulled a peach chiffon maxi dress out of Baba’s closet. “This is fabulous. I would have to take it up a foot, but look at the stitching. You don’t see stuff made like this anymore. Look at this, Ellis.”
“Oh yeah. We would have to take in the waist a lot. You’re the definition of hourglass. It’s annoying how flat your stomach is.”
“Yeah, but look at my ass.” She turned around and wiggled it at Ellis. “I feel like I’m smuggling two balloons under my dress half the time.”
“Mike likes big asses. You want to borrow him from time to time to give yours a little squeeze.”
“Can I? A girl could use a little boost now and them.”
Ellis and Belinda grinned at each other and then as one they turned to look at her.
“Are we being insensitive?” Belinda asked. “Do you want us to shut up? We can totally shut up. We’ll be quiet as church mice up in here.”
“No. Don’t be quiet. I like to hear you two blab on. It makes me laugh.”
Ellis stepped closer to her. “But you’re not laughing.”
“On the inside I am. I’m just exhausted at the moment. This kid is taking it out of me. But don’t tell Colin I said that.”
“We won’t.” Ellis sat on the edge of her bed. “Are you sure you want us going through Baba’s stuff? Won’t it feel weird to see us wearing some of her things?”
“Absolutely not. I’ve never seen a majority of the stuff you’re pulling out of that closet. The only thing I’ve ever seen Baba in was housecoats and slippers. I think she would like the idea of you two wearing her things. She loved you. But if you start wearing her housecoats around town I’ll lose it. I loved that woman but those were the ugliest damn things on the planet.”
“How are you, honey?” Belinda asked. “How are you really? We’ve been worried.”
“I’m fine. I miss her so much, but I’m fine. Colin is taking such good care of me that I’m not sure what to do with myself. It’s odd not to have an old lady always on my mind.”
“This is your time,” Ellis assured her. “You can live the life you want. It’s time to enjoy yourself. How’s work? Do you love it?”
No. But she couldn’t tell them that. She missed spending her days in the shop with Colin. She missed getting lost in painting, missed spending all day transforming drab pieces of furniture into art. She missed Colin’s smell and watching him work, and hearing his deep brogue. She missed being with him all day. But she had made such a big deal about taking this job, about being able to stand on her own feet, to do what she thought she always wanted, that she couldn’t tell them she wasn’t sure if she could spend the rest of her life doing it. “It’s only been a few weeks. I’m still getting used it, but it’s a good job.”
“What about the commute?” Belinda asked. “I used to commute to Manhattan and it nearly killed me. How are you managing? I know you must be so tired after you deal with the kids all day—and to be pregnant on top of it. I don’t think I could do it.”
She hated the commute. She hated the traffic, but she had to prove that she could do this. That she could be more than just a mother and a wife. “Colin got me a very nice car. It makes things much easier.”
Ellis and Belinda stared at her for a long moment, like they knew she wasn’t telling them the whole truth. But they didn’t call her out on it. She was glad for the reprieve. Being in Baba’s old room, smelling her smell, seeing little reminders of her everywhere was making her emotional. That’s why she was glad they were there, to distract her from her sadness.
“Are you all right, love?” Colin walked in, past Ellis and Belinda without a word, and settled on the bed beside her. He stroked the hair out of her face and kissed her forehead. These past three weeks she’d felt the tension in him. He never seemed to be able to relax. He never seemed to be happy.
“I’m fine. I just wanted to lie here for a little while for old times’ sake. Are you okay?”
“No. You’re wiped out. I can see it on your face.”
“I’m fine,” she lied.
“You’re doing too much,” he said a little sharply. It was something he’d said often in the three weeks since she had been working.
She sighed, too tired to argue. “I’m not doing anything, my heart. I’m lying in bed.”
His expression softened, and he pressed his lips to her ear. “Is this too hard for you? We can pack up the house anytime. Why don’t we go home and just relax this weekend? You’ve been working like a dog. This house isn’t going anywhere.”
“If we want it ready to sell by summer then
we have to do this.” When she’d woken up that morning she had decided it was time to move on. She knew she couldn’t, they couldn’t, if she hung on to this part of her past. Her life with Baba was over. She woke up knowing that. If she didn’t know better she would think the old lady had snuck into her head when she was sleeping and put the thought in her head.
She’d turned to Colin when she’d opened her eyes and told him what she wanted to do. He’d made it happen. He had gathered all their friends and a bunch of boxes and they’d started packing up her old life. She was grateful. To her husband, to all of them.
“We don’t need to sell the house,” he said to her for the first time. “We can keep it forever. I could turn it into a studio and you can paint here. You don’t have to give it up.”
“What’s the point of keeping it and paying taxes on it and doing the upkeep? We could put the money in a college fund for the baby. I want to give somebody else the chance to grow up here like I did. It seems selfish to keep it to myself.”
He nodded and gave her a long, slow, deep kiss. Every nerve ending in her body awakened and she gripped the back of his head, holding him close for as long as she possibly could. They hadn’t made love in three weeks, not since her first day at work, and she missed him. She missed them.
There was something wrong but she didn’t know how to ask him what it was. She was afraid to. She was afraid it was something they weren’t going to be able to fix.
“Okay, mo chuisle,” he said. She still wasn’t sure what it meant, but she liked the way he said it. She liked that he only used it with her.
“We’ll finish cleaning it out, but I want you to eat something first. What do you feel like eating?”
“Tuna fish.”
“You can’t have that. You know what the doctor said. How about a nice chicken sandwich from the deli?”
“With onions and pepper Jack cheese and extra mayo? Oh, and hot sauce. Lots of hot sauce”
He grinned at her. “I see you’re back on mayo again?”
“Mustard makes me want to hurl.”
“And the hot sauce?”
“You reminded me how much a girl needs a little spice in her life.”
He said nothing, just trailed his thumb across her cheek.
“You should bring back some breath mints, too. You’ll probably never kiss me again after I eat that.”
“I’ll get the same thing so we’ll be equally stinky.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to her belly. “Beware, little one. Your mum is going through her hot stinky phase.”
He sat up and turned, seeming to remember that they weren’t alone in the room. He was slightly embarrassed to see Ellis and Belinda gawking at them. She could tell by the slight flush that rose up his neck. But no one else would be able to tell. He just flashed Ellis and Belinda his sexy grin.
“Mike and I are going to head out in five minutes. Let us know what you want to eat.”
And with that he walked out.
“My goodness,” Belinda said softly. “I thought Mike loved Ellis but Colin … That man worships you.”
“I think he’s got a weird fetish for pregnant women,” Cherri said, feeling a little sad to see him go. She hadn’t seen much of him lately.
“I think he’s worried about you,” Ellis said. “He seems a little off lately.”
She looked at Ellis, surprised that her friend had voiced her fear. “I know,” she said, more to herself than to her friends. “He hasn’t said what’s wrong. I don’t think he likes that I work.”
Belinda rolled her eyes. “Typical chauvinistic male. He wants you at home, barefoot and pregnant. You work if you want to, Cherri. You do what makes you happy. He’s your husband, but don’t give yourself up for a man. Trust me, you’ll end up hating yourself if you do.”
“I agree with that.” Ellis nodded. “But I don’t think Colin is being a pigheaded man. He didn’t grow up in a family like the rest of us did. Now he’s got his own family. You and that baby are important to him. He just wants to keep you close because he’s doesn’t want to lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You know that and I know that. Colin may seem like this tough guy who doesn’t need anybody, but he’s really mushy mashed potatoes. All men are. Deep inside they are all little boys just looking to be loved. Talk to him, Cherri. All he needs is a little reassurance.”
CHAPTER 22
Hello. It’s me …
Cherri woke up two days later reaching for her husband, but all she found was an empty bed. A little disappointment crept into her chest. She was going to take Ellis’s advice. She was going to talk to Colin. She wanted to do it last night. She had planned to, but cleaning out the old house all weekend had taken a toll on her. It wasn’t seeing Baba’s things go that bothered her. She knew it was time. She knew Baba was in a better place. She knew she was happy with Papa again. The grief over losing her wasn’t suffocating anymore. It was more like a subtle ache and a little sadness. She missed her. She would always miss her. But she knew it was her time to go. It was seeing Natasha’s things leave the house that had an unexpected effect on her. She barely thought about her mother, but looking through her belongings, seeing the way Baba had left her room even though she had been gone for so long, made her curious about their relationship.
What had happened to keep mother and daughter apart?
She knew Baba regretted the break in their relationship. She knew that the old woman would have liked to see her only child one last time before she passed away, but things didn’t work out that way. Cherri thought about it all night. And she thought about her husband and his parents and their unborn baby. Ellis and Mike had both grown up surrounded by families and siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Belinda had both her parents and cousins by the dozen. Cherri had always been jealous of them and their loud family gatherings and that they had so many people who were connected to them. She wanted that growing up. It made sense for Colin to want that, too. It made sense for him to want that for their baby. She was starting to understand him.
She wanted to give him as much love as possible. She was just going to have to figure out how to do that.
It was impulse that made her go to her computer and Google her mother. She wasn’t expecting much, but her Natasha Rudy came up right away. Tall, bleached blond, beautiful. She was the headliner at a nightclub in Reno. Her website said she was married and a mother to two spoiled bichons frises. For twenty minutes Cherri had studied every picture of her glamorous mother, hungry for knowledge about the woman who’d walked away from her so long ago. There was a contact number and address where she could email her. For a moment she thought about writing. But what would she say?
How could you walk away from me? Why didn’t you come back?
Looking at the pictures burned her stomach. Natasha appeared to have had a great life. So great, it seemed like she never thought about the child she had left behind. Her dogs were the ones she loved. Her daughter didn’t even rate.
She left her bedroom needing to see her husband, her only family. She went down to the shop. Rufus looked up at her when she walked in, but Colin didn’t notice her entrance. He was too entranced in his latest project. And while she’d come out just to speak to him she hesitated to make her presence known. Here in his shop he was completely relaxed. Today he was singing. She almost forgot that he did. She was used to seeing him tense and quiet the past few weeks. Now he was truly himself, alone in his element, crooning “Moon River” in his lovely tenor.
She loved him. She should tell him so, but she couldn’t bring herself to. She couldn’t say the words she said so easily to everybody else.
Why was that?
Because you’re afraid he won’t say them back. You’re afraid he doesn’t feel them.
He turned as if he’d finally felt her in his space and stopped singing. She opened her eyes to see him looking almost disappointed to see her, as if she’d intruded on his private time.
&nbs
p; Bummer …
“What’s the matter? Why aren’t you at work? Are you ill? Do you need me to take you to the doctor?”
“There’s no school today. Didn’t I tell you?”
“No.” He shook his head. “You didn’t. But you’re okay?”
“I’m fine.”
He visibly relaxed.
“I wish you wouldn’t worry so much.”
“I wish I wouldn’t, either. It’s exhausting.”
There was her opening. The perfect opportunity to bring up what she wanted to talk to him about, but she chickened out. “Why don’t you sing more often?” she asked him instead.
“I thought about becoming a pop star when I was younger but the lads in my town would have confiscated my balls. So I decided it would be manlier to fix stuff instead.”
“Really?”
“No, love.” He shook his head.
“Oh.”
They were silent for a moment, him standing away from her, halfway across the shop—but it felt like so much farther.
“Why do you sing Andy Williams? I’ve seen your music collection; you don’t have any of him there.”
“My pop loved him,” he explained. “Used to play him when we worked together in his little shed. I guess it feels right to sing him while I work.”
“I was thinking about your father. I was thinking about our family and you and me.”
He raised one of his brows slightly. “Were you?”
She nodded, finding it hard to gather her words. She could talk to Ellis and Belinda about anything. She could talk to the damn dog. Why was she finding it so hard to talk to him? “Will you tell me about him? About your father.”
He looked disappointed for a moment, but his face quickly went back to unreadable.
“There’s not much to say, lass.”
She wasn’t going to accept that. “Have you spoken to him since we’ve been married?”
“Just the once.”
“Oh.” They fell quiet again. And as much as she hated to be the only one attempting conversation, she had to keep trying. “Will you sing to our boy after he comes?”
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