by Radclyffe
Adrienne looked at her, puzzled, but did as she asked. With the soap in one hand, Tanner reached around Adrienne’s body with the other and held her still. She worked the lather into swirls over Adrienne’s chest and belly. Lowering her eyes, she continued the soft circular motions as she traced the contours of the firm muscles under her hands. She cupped Adrienne’s breast in her hands and ran her fingers gently over the nipple. She followed the curve to the center of Adrienne’s chest and placed her hand gently on the flat surface where Adrienne's other breast had been. Tenderly she continued to work the soap up and down, moving along the pink scar with care. She sensed Adrienne stiffen slightly, and Tanner tilted her head back to look at her. Adrienne gazed down at her with a question in her eyes.
“What is it?” Tanner asked.
“You really don’t mind about this?” Adrienne asked, glancing down at her body.
“Of course I mind!” Tanner replied instantly, her eyes blazing. “I mind very much that you’ve been ill, and that you were physically hurt and emotionally violated! I mind that you had to live through it and that you still have to live with it now! I mind that I can’t change it or help it!”
Adrienne stopped the rush of words with her fingers against Tanner’s lips. She pulled her close, embracing her fiercely. “You have helped! Every time you look at me and still want to touch me, you help. You’ve helped me to feel whole again. I never thought I would want to touch anyone or be touched - ever again. Oh, Tanner! You help!”
Tanner's tears mixed with the water that streamed from her face. “I hate what happened to you,” she whispered.
Adrienne kissed her, murmuring the comfort she herself had longed to hear not so long ago. “It’s all right. Really, it’s all right.”
* * *
They drove to a restaurant that was a local favorite at the south end of the island. The maitre d’ greeted Tanner with polite familiarity and showed them to a secluded table that overlooked the harbor.
“Let’s have champagne!” Tanner suggested impulsively.
“Are we celebrating something?” Adrienne asked indulgently, smiling at Tanner’s enthusiasm.
“I am,” Tanner replied, glancing at her watch. “I’m celebrating the best eighteen hours I’ve spent in years.” She looked at Adrienne with a satisfied grin on her face and her meaning was clear.
Adrienne blushed and turned to look out the window. The last of the sailors and fishermen were bringing their crafts into the harbor under the setting sun. The scene was almost too idyllic for Adrienne’s comfort. She realized how easily she could be drawn into the languorous life of the island, and of exactly how much she longed to do just that. These last few hours with Tanner seemed like magic moments, lived outside the reality of the life she knew. She needed so badly to escape from the torment and uncertainty that had plagued her since she left California. For a while, with Tanner, she had. She felt like her old self again, confident and wholly alive. She had forgotten for the first time in over a year that her life was no longer hers to do with as she wished. Where once she had seen the future so clearly, now she saw only a blank screen filled with questions. How simple it would be to wander into that unknown void wrapped in the comfort of Tanner’s arms and the mystical timelessness of life on Whitley Point. She sighed, knowing she could not allow herself to follow this line of thinking much longer. That path inevitably led to disaster. She would not use Tanner in that way - taking from her with nothing to offer her in return. It was folly and she knew it.
She finally turned back to Tanner, whose eyes were intently searching her face. In a voice that came out sounding harsher than she meant, Adrienne said, “Don’t lose your head over this, Tanner. I’ll be leaving here soon.”
“Why?” Tanner questioned. Her voice was still with a calmness she did not feel. She had been expecting something like this. It was too much to expect that Adrienne would simply accept what had happened between them without resistance. For that matter, I haven't shown her much reason to trust me.
Adrienne looked at her, faint surprise registering in her cool blue eyes. “You said it yourself when we first met. I’m hiding - I have been hiding for the better part of a year. I can’t stay here just because I feel safe by the sea and protected by the seclusion. In the end even the beauty of this island, and you, cannot alter my fate. I have to get on with my life - whatever there is left of it.” She saw Tanner pale and added tenderly, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound morbid, but I have to be realistic.”
“What’s so realistic about leaving one place for another just because you happen to be happy here?” Tanner replied, failing to temper the anger in her voice. “Is it only realistic when you feel miserable? Is there some reason that you think you don’t deserve to be happy?” She didn’t even try to conceal the bitterness in her tone. Adrienne was threatening to take from her the only peace she had ever found in her life, and she would not let it go easily!
Adrienne stared at Tanner in frustration. “I can’t talk to you rationally about this!” She gestured out the window to the placid scene below them. “You live in your own world, with its own special rules! My god, Tanner - do you even know what it means to go without anything?”
Tanner stared back at her, her face flushing. “Yes, I know! I know what it is to be without purpose, without dreams, without one honest feeling from one day to the next. I know what it means to wake up in the morning and wonder if there’s any point to it. And I know how to forget those feelings with alcohol and drugs. Do you think you have a monopoly on unhappiness?” She stopped suddenly, tears brimming in her eyes. "I may never have wanted for things, but since my father died, all I've felt is guilt and anger and helplessness."
Adrienne reached quickly across the table and grasped Tanner’s hand. “Stop! I’m sorry—really I am! I didn’t mean to attack you. It’s not you I’m angry with. I want to enjoy tonight with you. You have made me feel wonderful, and I’m grateful.”
Tanner shook her head, frowning, but she did not release her grip on Adrienne’s hand. “God, Adrienne! I don’t want you to be grateful! I just want you to accept it for what it is. You touch me somewhere no one has been able to reach for years. You take away the pain! And you make me want to give that back. I want to know you - I want to hold you, and laugh with you, and just – be with you. I think it’s called love.” She shrugged and fell silent. It was that simple to her. She knew what she felt and that was all that really mattered to her.
“I can’t love you, Tanner,” Adrienne said quietly. “I don’t have anything left to love you with. I’m tired; I have no place to go and nothing to offer you. I don’t even have a tomorrow to count on.” She slumped slightly, suddenly very weary. Too much had happened, too many memories had been awakened. And she could still feel Tanner's hands on her. She looked at Tanner, her blue eyes desolate. "Please don't make me hurt you, Tanner. Please."
Tanner signaled the waiter who appeared instantly at their side.
“Yes, Ms. Whitley?”
“A bottle of your very best champagne, Richard. And then we'll order.” As he nodded and moved away, Tanner turned back to Adrienne and said calmly, “You may choose not to love me, but you can’t stop me from loving you.”
Adrienne closed her eyes briefly, still holding Tanner's hand. She couldn't fight with her any longer, and she couldn't walk away, no matter how much she knew she should. Not tonight, not with Tanner looking at her with what could only be love in her eyes. Tomorrow – tomorrow she would sort this out.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ADRIENNE FOUND THAT there was little comfort in doing the right thing. When Tanner brought her home from the restaurant, she said good night with a soft brush of her lips against Adrienne’s cheek, murmuring, “I’ll call you.”
"Don't," Adrienne had whispered softly.
And she had stood on the steps of this house and watched Tanner walk back to her car with her characteristic purposeful stride and wondered to herself why she was letting her go.
All she really wanted to do was take her inside and undress her - slowly, and lie beside her in the silvery moonlight that streamed through her bedroom windows. She wanted to explore every curve and hollow of her body and kiss away the frown lines between her brows. She wanted to make her cry out again when her body could no longer contain her passion, and she wanted to hold her while she slept. But she knew she would do none of those things.
She would not be that selfish! Tanner was so young! She did not doubt the sincerity of Tanner’s emotions, but she truly believed that what Tanner mistook for love was just her great loneliness and need. Adrienne knew that Tanner was easily impassioned, quick to respond and eager to fill the emptiness of her life with something meaningful. Tanner would move on from this brief experience as the young did so often, as she should, and discover someone who could match her own vitality and relentless spirit.
Adrienne knew that she had little of that joy left. She would only be taking more than she gave, and she would surely come to hate herself. It was madness to get involved! So she watched Tanner pull away in her sleek silver sports coupe and had taken comfort in the rightness of her decision. Adrienne had not heard from her since.
A week passed, and when she awakened each morning she longed for Tanner beside her. She ached to see the softness of her face as she slept and to watch her dark eyes blaze with passion when they touched. She wanted Tanner's warmth, and her intensity and her desire. She tried to force the many images of Tanner from her mind, but she failed. No matter how she tried to occupy her thoughts, she could not escape her memories. She cursed her own weakness even as she longed for Tanner’s presence. She ran on the beach until she was exhausted, but still she found herself looking over the dunes for Tanner’s familiar form. She comforted herself with the thought that all things must pass. She had certainly lived through worse things than this.
Despite her determination to forget the young woman who haunted her waking hours and restless nights, her heart leapt when she saw the Jag pull into the drive in front of her house early one morning. Adrienne hurried out onto the front porch as Tanner stepped from the car.
“Hi!” Tanner called, an easy grin on her face. She leaned against the fender, her denim-clad legs crossed, her white tee shirt tight across her chest. Her black hair tousled, her arms loosely crossed, she was as dashing and dangerous looking as a young James Dean. “I’m going sailing. Want to come?”
“Yes! Let me get some things together,” Adrienne replied instantly, already turning to go back into the house. She hurried before she had time to change her mind. She was delighted to see Tanner and she didn’t want to think or question. She rushed about gathering her gear, feeling better than she had in days.
Tanner waited, her heart pounding. She didn't want to make a mistake. Adrienne was everything she had ever wanted – tender, vulnerable, strong, stubborn. Tanner desired her with a passion and an intensity that she had not imagined possible. She had thought of nothing but Adrienne for days. She had meant to give her time, hoping that Adrienne would change her mind, hoping that she would call. But she did not.
Tanner lay down at night, knowing that she would sleep little, her body on fire. She ached for Adrienne's touch. The sun would rise to find her staring out the window, longing for Adrienne in her arms. She fretted about the house so much that Constance finally grew alarmed.
She found Tanner out on the verandah early one morning, slumped in a lounge chair, staring moodily out over the dunes. Constance sat beside her, sipping her coffee. Tanner turned, surprised to see her, and smiled wanly. “Hello, Mother.”
“Good morning, darling.” Never one to avoid an issue when she had made up her mind to confront it, Constance continued, “I can’t help but notice that you haven’t been acting like yourself for days. Is there something I can do? I hate to see you like this.” She spoke softly and Tanner couldn’t miss the affection in her tone.
Tanner sighed and laughed ruefully. “Does it show that badly?”
“I’m afraid it does, sweetheart.”
“Would you think me very foolish if I told you that I was in love?” Tanner asked shyly.
Constance regarded her seriously for a moment. “Quite frankly, I would be delighted.”
Constance did not add that she had begun to wonder if Tanner would ever allow anyone close to her again. It seemed as if she had taken her father’s death as some kind of betrayal and had unconsciously avoided any intimate involvements since that time. She was quite sure she knew who had prompted this response in her complicated daughter, but there were certain subjects Constance considered too personal to broach until Tanner volunteered the information. She continued instead, “It appears that there is some difficulty, however?”
Tanner laughed with a hint of good humor. “Oh, Mother! What an understatement! Not just one—that would be too simple!” Her face became suddenly serious, and she added, “I think it’s a matter of trust. I have a feeling she doesn’t think I can weather a storm, let alone a hurricane, if one comes up.”
Constance laughed softly and reached to stroke her daughter's arm. “Well, my dear, she simply doesn’t know you well enough yet!”
“But how do you convince someone to trust you?” Tanner asked.
“I believe it develops slowly, as you face difficulties together and see them through. For some people it’s more than just a matter of faith, especially if they’ve been disappointed in the past. I’m afraid it often comes down to a matter of time.”
“Time!” Tanner responded angrily. “Must everything take so much time? I don’t even know where to begin!”
“You might begin by letting her know that you aren’t going to disappear, simply because everything isn’t easy at the moment.”
Tanner looked at her mother gratefully. She was right, and it was so simple! Adrienne expected her to disappear – to be dissuaded by Adrienne's resistance. And she had let Adrienne's fear keep her away.
Idiot! It's time to show Adrienne that I'm not giving up – and I'm not going away!
And so she had come, determined to prove herself, and her love. She looked up as she heard Adrienne’s front door closing. “Hi,” she said huskily, searching Adrienne’s eyes for some hint of her feelings.
Adrienne stepped down off the stairs and kissed her, quickly but firmly, on the mouth. “Hi,” she said as she turned and headed around to the passenger side of the car.
Tanner stood still for a second, slightly weak in the knees, and then vaulted for the door, grinning triumphantly.
* * *
They both waved to Josh Thomas as they stowed their gear and quickly set sail. This time Adrienne maneuvered them deftly out of the channel. Tanner moved effortlessly around the cockpit, adjusting the sails and luxuriating at being out on the sea again—and at being with Adrienne! She thought perhaps she loved Adrienne best here, on the sea, sharing the thrill and freedom of the sailboat flying over the water, the serenity of the secluded coves as their destination. When they were well under way and Adrienne had set a course for one of the infrequently visited islands, Tanner leaned back against the bulkhead and watched Adrienne at the wheel.
Adrienne enjoyed the attention. She felt unaccountably confident, when previously such scrutiny would have made her very uncomfortable. The spray off the bow blew onto her, drenching her cotton shirt. She wore no bra, and she knew that Tanner would notice the asymmetry of her chest beneath it. Amazingly, she wasn't worried. Tanner, after all, had seen it before. Instead she allowed herself to bask in the pleasure of Tanner’s appraising glance.
Her body stirred as she imagined Tanner’s hands upon her, and she glanced at Tanner sternly. "Stop it."
Tanner slouched a little more, her arms spread along the top of the rail, her legs parted insolently, her grin infuriatingly confident. "What?"
"You know what," Adrienne replied, trying desperately to hide a smile. "I'm navigating here!"
"Okay, okay! I was just looking!"
When they were we
ll out from shore, Tanner began to peel off her clothes. Adrienne watched her fondly, envious of Tanner’s complete lack of self-consciousness. Even before her surgery Adrienne had seldom been uninhibited physically. Certainly Alicia was a rather understated person sexually. In Tanner though, Adrienne found such sensuousness totally natural. Unfortunately, she couldn't continue to divide her attention between the wind, the waves, and Tanner's breasts.
"That's it," Adrienne announced. "I'm finding a place to drop anchor." While she brought them into the lee side of a small, uninhabited island, Tanner dozed in the sun.
Adrienne stood for a moment savoring the view. Tanner lounged on her back on one of the padded bench seats, her sleek muscular body covered with a light sheen of perspiration. Even her breasts were a light golden-bronze. With the boat secured, Adrienne stepped silently across the deck and knelt at Tanner’s side. With one finger she traced the line of Tanner’s cheek, over the chiseled arch and along her jaw, brushing lightly down her neck. She held her breath, marveling at the strong steady pulse that seemed so close to the surface. She slipped her hand under one of Tanner’s breasts, squeezing lightly as her thumb circled the dark nipple. Tanner stirred in her sleep but did not awaken. Adrienne smiled to herself as she lowered her face against Tanner’s breast, her mouth finding the nipple, drawing it in. She teased with her tongue until she felt it grow hard between her lips. She moved from one breast to the other, gently stroking the Tanner’s belly, circling ever lower until her fingers reached the crisp moist triangle of hair nestled between Tanner’s legs. Tanner’s muscles twitched, her breath quickened, and Adrienne heard her gasp.
She's awake, and she's letting me have her. God, she's so beautiful.
She dipped with a feather-light touch into pools of moisture and out again. She pressed, she stroked, she teased until she could bear it no longer. She slipped her fingers smoothly inside Tanner’s welcoming warmth, feeling herself instantly enclosed by the responsive tissues. Despite the eager response, Adrienne moved slowly, allowing the engorged tissues to relax and accept more and more of her. Once fully surrounded, Adrienne began to rock slowly in and out, timing her movements to the beat of the pulsing tissues around her hand. She was soon rewarded by a flood of moisture accompanied by a low groan from Tanner.
