by Dee Carney
Felice.
Thad’s voice was so soft, she almost dismissed it. But it broke through her musing, and pulled her thoughts in a whole new direction. She fought the urge to pull back and speak with him, or to force Jason to slow down while his parents moved out of earshot to let him know about the voice of his brother. One look into his blazing eyes squelched that idea. With an odd twinge of disappointment, she waited for Thad to speak again, to say something about why they were here since Jason wouldn’t drag his attention from Gibson. At least the older man behaved in a civilized manner. The way Jason leaned forward, hackles raised, none of them could doubt who would strike first if provoked.
A noise from the small front porch made her look forward. A slender young woman stepped through the open doorway, a hesitant smile on her face. At last, something besides Gibson held Jason’s attention.
“Felice? I’m Jason. We spoke on the phone.”
Sabrina watched relief flood through her. It started in the way Felice released the breath she held, in the slow close of her eyes, of the trickle of tears that seeped from her closed lids. “Oh my God,” she breathed. “He didn’t tell me…he didn’t say anything.” Jason rushed forward and embraced her in a crushing hug.
Standing next to Rue and Gibson, Sabrina watched, stunned.
“What’s going on?” Rue whispered.
All she could do was shake her head. “No idea,” Sabrina whispered back.
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Felice cried against Jason’s shoulder and he rubbed her back, comforting her. She clung to him as if he were her last hope. Pangs of jealousy she had no business feeling rocketed through her, but Sabrina remained with the others, watching and waiting.
“Hey,” Gibson shouted. He annoyed her. She knew his type. Loud. Impatient. Self-important. “Are we just gonna stand here or what? Your mother and I have a business to run.” He glanced toward Sabrina. “I have better things to do with my time than spend it like this.”
Like this. Something about the way he said those last two words made her vision go red. Sabrina had a feeling he held himself back, but by a thin thread. Unfortunately, whatever he held back would not go down well when he finally let it go.
This was Jason’s father? How much of his toxic personality had Jason inherited?
Felice’s face was red and streaked. She tried wiping away the excess moisture, but only succeeded in spreading it down her neck. “I’m sorry,” she gulped. “I’m sorry. It’s just I can’t believe Thad had family. Please, please come in. I’m Felice Hamilton.” Jason turned and remembered the rest of them at last. He nodded to them in order.
“This is my father, Gibson, my mother, Rue. And uh, this is Sabrina. A friend.” Sabrina’s eyebrows rose before she could recall them.
“Please,” continued Felice, “come in.”
She had little choice but to follow the others inside.
Inside Felice’s home was crowded, but well maintained. Tasteful art decorated the walls. The curtains hanging from the windows were floral and bright. Large bookshelves lined one wall, the shelves overflowing with used paperbacks. Along the windowsills, different containers held a variety of greenery. What caught her eye upon first entering though was the playpen crammed with toys sitting in one corner.
Somebody had spent a small fortune in stuffed animals, developmental blocks and colorful, large cars.
Felice gestured for them to sit. Rue sat next to her husband on the couch shaped in an L, but for the first time, Sabrina was stymied on her next move. Did she sit next to Rue, who at least never dropped her friendly overtures, or next to Jason, whose attention remained fixed on Felice? He even sat next to her now.
Her stomach turned over.
Sabrina moved to the window, pretending the view outside was more interesting than the goings-on in the room. Right.
“Thad told me he didn’t have any family.” She paused when Rue gasped. “I thought he just didn’t want to be… I thought he’d just left. That’s it.”
“Tell them what you told me, Felice.”
Jason spoke so softly Sabrina almost turned to face him, but if she looked into his eyes and saw any interest in this woman he’d met in person only a few minutes ago, she’d hurl.
“My last conversation with him was so heated. We fought. I mean really fought.” 86
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“Over what, dear?”
Felice.
Thad again. This time, his voice was miserable in tone, something she’d never picked up from any of the other spirits before. Despair yes, but nothing like this.
“He said he… I told him I was pregnant.”
Sabrina whipped around in time to catch the stunned looks on Gibson’s and Rue’s faces. For the first time, Gibson earned some sympathy from her. He looked as if he’d aged about twenty years. Rue, on the other hand, looked nothing less than delighted.
“Bullshit,” sputtered Gibson.
“Shush yourself,” Rue countered, her hand lighting on his knee. He reached for it, wrapping his fingers around hers.
Felice gave a bitter laugh. “He felt the same way. I was on birth control because I had no plans for children at this point in my life either. You can imagine his immediate reaction when I gave him the news.”
“When was this?” Jason asked.
“After I figured everything out, maybe a few weeks before he disappeared.” Sabrina watched Jason for his reaction. The news Thad wanted to share with him, the “trouble”, had to be advice on what to do with this situation. Guilt must have been eating a hole through him now.
Rue smiled at the clutter of children’s toys. “I take it we have a grandchild, then?
Right?”
“Wait a minute,” Gibson interrupted. “No offense, but we don’t know you from Adam. Jason calls us out of the clear blue to visit some woman’s house without giving us a reason and when we get here, it’s to find out she supposedly had Thad’s baby? Do you all really expect us to buy that without some sort of proof?” She’d had the same thoughts. Where was Felice when Thad disappeared? Why hadn’t she tried harder to find the father of her baby?
“If you would have seen how angry Thad was, you wouldn’t be questioning me now, Mr. Raines. When he stopped calling, when I couldn’t get in touch with him, I got angry too. I wanted this baby and didn’t need his approval or support. So I did what was best for me and the baby and I went back home to where my family would welcome us with open arms.” A single tear slid down her face. “I was supposed to be punishing him by not letting him find me. I moved back a year ago, and a mutual friend told me what happened.”
“I still call bullshit,” said Gibson. Sabrina decided she really, really disliked the man. “Why not let us know about the baby before now?”
“Let’s imagine that I actually knew about you and tried to contact you. How would it have looked? Years after your son dies I show up on your doorstep claiming to have his child. What kind of reception would you have given me then? Look at how you’re 87
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reacting now. Thad wasn’t returning my calls. He wouldn’t speak to me. If he was rejecting me then, what more could I expect from his family?” Appropriately chastised, Gibson pursed his lips and sat back against the couch.
“If Jason hadn’t called me today, I don’t know if I would have ever sought you out.
Although I guess a small part of me wanted to believe he had family or someone who would find me. Maybe that’s why I kept my old cell number, too.
“And I’ll tell you this. Some part of me wants Theo to know his father’s side of the family, but another part of me is still angry with Thad, for not wanting us when he had the chance. I’m still punishing him, don’t you see?” Rue stood and crossed the room. She dropped into a crouch before Felice and took the woman’s hands in her own. “You’re not punishing Thad, sweetheart. He’s dead. If you keep his son away from us, you’re punishing us, his family.” The women looked at each other
for a silent pause. Finally Felice said, “Would you like to meet, Theo? I named him partly after my dad, Leo, and your son.” Help me.
Sabrina drew in a breath at the new voice. Dear God, the moment she dreaded had arrived. With Jason being so distant, and this scene belonging strictly to family, the timing was perfect for her to make her excuses and go home to Him. But she stood at a crossroad. Did she tell Jason about her need, bordering on addiction, for Him, or did she continue to live this lie, praying like hell he never discovered the truth for himself?
Either way, she had to decide now. The voices, as usual, would ramp up in number and intensity before too long.
“Are you okay?”
She looked up, not realizing the subject of her thoughts had moved to her side. “I’m fine. I’m thinking about leaving. This is for you and your family to deal with.” His smile seemed forced. “We wouldn’t be here without you.” He turned and watched Felice lead his parents into the back, presumably where Theo must have been.
“I think it’s appropriate for you to share in it with us. It’s a happy occasion despite the way things feel right now.”
“I’m not comfortable around your dad—”
“No one is.”
“Or the way you behave with me when he’s around.” His face blanked, to the point she couldn’t read his emotion and that scared her.
One thing about Jason, she knew almost exactly what he was thinking at any given moment. Now, with his moods so volatile, she questioned if she really knew him at all.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“When we’re together normally, you can’t stop touching me. We’re always kissing or holding hands or hugging or something. Anyone who looks at us would know we’re a couple. But now? Look at us. You keep yourself in check, totally closed off to me when he’s here. I don’t think I should have to put up with that, do you?” 88
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He pushed a hand through his hair. “You’re not putting up with anything.”
“You just introduced me as your friend. Your friend? It’s okay to call me your girlfriend to your mom, who loves you. But in front of your dad—and believe me, I recognize what a miserable person he is—and in front of a stranger, I’ve been demoted to a friend. What is it about me that you’re all of a sudden reluctant to claim me as more?”
“He’s—he’s not open-minded and I didn’t want to subject you to that.”
“Open-minded? What does…oh, I see.” She placed her hand on her hips. “You know what? I know I’m gonna jump the gun here by at least a few months, but tell me, at what point would you decide that what he thinks doesn’t matter? If we decided that we wanted to get married, or have a baby, would you still shy away from telling him about our relationship because he’s not open-minded?”
“Sabrina—”
“You know, I’m not sure he’s the problem here, so I’ll tell you what, why don’t we take a little break, huh? I’m gonna go home and you come see me after you’ve had some time to think.”
“Sabrina, don’t do this.”
Help me… Find James…
Tears prickled the backs of her eyes, but she held them back. Part of this argument was valid, true. But the greater reason for putting Jason on the defensive was about separating from him. She had to get away, to put some brakes on their rapid romance while betraying him.
Shoving past him, she flew out the front door with a split second’s regret she wouldn’t say goodbye to Rue. By the time she made it onto the stone pathway, a combination of used toast, cheese and tomatoes came bubbling up to the surface and it was all Sabrina could do to bend over one of the gnarled bushes and vomit behind it.
Footsteps thudded up the pathway, heading in her direction.
“Are you okay? Baby?” Jason placed a comforting hand on her shoulder while she brought up the rest of her breakfast.
Dots of perspiration broke out along her forehead, and she wanted to turn around and curl up in his embrace. She wanted to lean against him and revel in his support.
Stomach still heaving, she wiped her mouth with the back of her arm and pushed away from him. “Leave me alone, Jason.”
“Why are you doing this?” From waterlogged eyes, she saw the concern on his face.
Heard the regret in his voice.
This was best, though. For both of them.
Help me… Find James…
“Oh God,” she moaned. This curse, damn it to hell, this curse ruled her life.
Everything good that tried to hold on was ripped away because she couldn’t rid herself of the voices.
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Without looking back at him, she ran for the street. Needed to find a way home now before the sounds broke her. A yellow cab barreled down the road toward her, but she couldn’t tell if the driver saw her frantically waving arms. Glancing in Jason’s direction, she took a deep breath and stepped into the path of the oncoming vehicle.
“Sabrina!” Jason’s cry almost drowned out the sounds of squealing brakes and tires.
The acrid smell of burnt rubber filled the air and she closed her eyes, braced for impact.
The roar of the engine was deafening as the machine worked hard to combat the forces of nature and push back against the momentum hurtling the vehicle forward.
By the time the car stopped, waves of heat rolled from the hood and reinforced the sweat trickling down her face. Her chest heaved as she caught her breath, half certain she shouldn’t have been alive and half thankful she was. The driver’s eyes were as big and round as dinner plates when she ran up to the passenger door, threw it open and flung herself inside.
“Drive, drive!” she screamed at him, knowing she looked as insane as she felt, but she had to get away from Jason. Had to get home to Him before it was too late. “Drive!” He did.
* * * * *
What the fuck just happened?
“Jason! Jason, are you all right? Where’s Sabrina going?” Still stunned, he searched for an answer to give Rue. “We had an argument,” he muttered.
Baby babble drifted to him and Jason turned to find Gibson and Felice watching them from the porch. In her arms, Felice carried a toddler. His racing heart slowed down, a reluctant smile creasing his face. “He looks exactly like Teddy did at that age.
Right, mom?”
His mother kept looking at the street, searching in vain for his fleeing girlfriend.
Rue looked as if she wanted to question him further about Sabrina, but after a few minutes, she looked back with him and smiled. “The spitting image. You can tell he’s gonna be tall like him, too.”
Jason walked to Felice and ran his hand over Theo’s small, round head. The little boy ducked and hid himself from Jason’s further scrutiny. He wore a pair of denim overalls over a striped t-shirt. His large, bare feet supported his mother’s observation about his future height. Cute.
While Jason didn’t know Teddy at this age, he’d spent the past few years studying photographs of him enough to recognize his son. Even if anyone insisted on a DNA test, he sincerely doubted it would tell them anything he didn’t already know in his gut.
Theo was Teddy’s child.
“This isn’t over, right?” he asked, looking up at Felice. “We’re all going to stay in touch and be a family?”
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She replied, “I’d like that” at the same time Gibson grunted.
Anger simmering, Jason pointed a finger at him. “Don’t. Don’t you dare push another family member away from us. If you don’t want to be a part of Theo’s life, get the fuck out.”
Theo, still face-tucked against his mother’s neck, started to cry.
“I don’t know where you and I went wrong, old man, but you are not going to come in between me and another person again. Not the way you tried to drive a wedge between me and Teddy.”
“Who do you think you’re talking to? Any problems you have with other people
has nothing to do with me.”
They’d rehashed this argument too many times to recount. Concerned with Sabrina and her sudden departure, Jason would not let this become yet another one. “You see that woman who just left? Sabrina?”
Gibson didn’t acknowledge the question, but his eyes darted in the direction of the fleeing cab.
“Let me tell you something. I’m going to marry that woman some day. So whatever you have to do to get yourself ready to accept that, do it. If you ever want to be a part of our future, of the future of any children we might have, you’d better start changing your ways. Starting with how you relate to me.” He hadn’t known what he was going to say until the words left his mouth.
Marriage? When had he crossed the line with her? Now that the words were out in the open, he realized he looked forward to more than just sex. He wanted a lifetime of being together.
The more he thought about it though, the more he accepted the declaration. His feelings still wavered from time to time. They still had some hidden issue between them that needed to be explored, but he wanted that chance to explore the future with her.
Only her. Whatever happened during that time, he wanted to face together. He loved her.
He kissed Theo’s head once again and ran a hand over Felice’s arm before turning and walking down the steps. Before passing through the wrought iron fence, he bent and kissed his mother’s cheek. “I love you, Mom.” Gibson he ignored as he left.
Waving down a cab was less adventuresome when he did it. Still, he shuddered to think about how close Sabrina had come to getting hit by the approaching car.
Something sent her running scared. Running blind. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen her in this state, and with a weight of dread in his stomach, he realized the last time had been about a week ago. And about a week before that. Both times coinciding with an onslaught of voices that put Sabrina in danger.
Was that the cycle then? The voices came to her about once a week, not for a long time, but long enough to make her irrational. Especially about getting home.
