by EJ Valson
“I see that a line has been crossed recently. Poor thing. But try not to feel guilty,” she quietly comforts me.
If I didn’t truly believe in her skills before, I definitely do now.
After John explains to me a little about himself and the process of hypnosis, he asks me questions about how I came to be here -- in this new life. He also asks what I remember about my other life and what the differences or similarities are between the two.
I go back to the beginning and talk about Michael and Stella and the life I remember before.
“So your husband in the future, where does he live in this current year?” he asks.
“He lives in...” I hesitate, the name of Michael’s home town is on the tip of my tongue -- but I can’t recall it. “Well...he lives in Sweden....” I stammer out. I’m at a loss for the name of the town. John can tell I am struggling.
“Are you OK?” he asks, concerned. My distress is clearly evident. I am drawing a complete blank.
He leans over and pats my knee. “It’s OK. Your mind has been going through a lot. Let’s move on.”
I sit quietly, staring at the floor while concentrating. Why can’t I remember where Michael is from? I have been there several times, haven’t I?
We continue the short interview process. John takes a lot of notes. Astrid is very curious and sits next to me, very focused on my answers. I take this as a sign of support.
After we finish, John asks if he can try to hypnotize me for a few minutes. He mentions that not everyone can be hypnotized, or at least not easily. I hesitate, but he assures me nothing bad will happen and that if I am curious about it, the session will be audio recorded and I can listen later.
I agree, lie down on the soft velvet couch and take a deep breathe. John’s voice softens into a quality that completely relaxes me. I feel as if I could easily fall asleep. I just might. He walks me through the process and tells me what he is going to do step-by-step, and what he wants me to do at the same time. Then he begins to count.
I feel myself get lighter, lighter, lighter...then lights on!
“And you’re back,” I hear John say.
I open my eyes and blink a few times. I guess it didn’t work. John is sitting at the end of the couch, smiling at me. Astrid has moved to a chair nearby and looks pleased. I sit up fully.
Astrid leans over and I hear the rewinding process of an old cassette tape. She presses play. The crackling audio begins. The quality is poor, but I can still hear our voices clearly.
John: “Jennifer, open your eyes. Can you tell me what you see, or what you hear?”
Me: “It’s early morning. I can hear birds.”
John: “What are you wearing?”
Me: “I…I am wearing a large t-shirt. It’s a man’s.”
John: “Good. Where are you?”
Me: “I’m lying in a bed.”
John: “Are you alone?”
Me: “…No…someone is in the bed with me.”
John: “Can you see who it is?”
Me: “Um…it’s...it’s my boyfriend. Michael.”
John: “Do you know where you are, or what house you are in?”
Me: “We…we are at his house, in his room. We are in Helsingborg.”
John: “Good, good.”
Astrid stops the playback of the recording and smiles. “It worked,” she says.
CHAPTER 27
After the session John is thrilled -- not only that he could hypnotize me, but that I remembered a small detail that I had forgotten in my non-hypnotized state. However, I’m worried and nervous that I have no clear memory of the place that I described on the tape. I fear what that might mean.
I noticed this change a week or so ago, but I hadn’t thought much about it. There was a moment while watching Olivia play with her dolls that I struggled to remember if Stella had any baby dolls of her own. I also couldn’t remember what car Michael drove. I have yet to determine that answer.
I explain this to John and Astrid but other than letting me hear this first session to prove it worked, they insist on keeping what I reveal in my sessions from me for the time being. They believe that will be more helpful in figuring out what may have happened to me.
John shares that he has never actually met a person who was having memories of their future. But he does say it is something similar to time travel, without the experience of actually moving about space and time. It appears that I might be recollecting my future, not moving back and forth from it. All of this information is very science fiction-like to me.
He also shares his theory on how destiny is just a series of opportunities. Destiny leads you to the opportunity, but we as humans make choices to accept or deny those opportunities and therefore we may change our fate in the process. According to him, life will continue to provide predestined opportunities. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense at the time, but it does strangely provide me some comfort. It also might explain why Nancy is alive in my future life, but not in this one. Fate might just be a fickle creature.
John is heading back to Washington the next day, with plans to return the following week and meet again for a number of sessions. He requests that I journal as many specific memories of my life in the future as I can, but not reread them. He will then use my journal to guide me through the hypnosis sessions and see if I reveal more detail.
I appreciate the interest and the insight, but the session doesn’t give me any concrete answers, like how do I get back? Will I ever get there again? Does Michael really exist? Will Stella? Are my memories from the past, the future or another life entirely? Or am I having a Deja vu that refuses to end? I just want answers, plain and simple. I need to know which life I’m supposed to live.
CHAPTER 28
I continue to do as John requests in between our sporadic sessions. I journal during lunch breaks and whenever I have any sort of memory of my other life. I don’t read the entries, but I do struggle from time to time to provide details.
I am starting to feel some of my memories slipping away. It’s almost like when you wake up from a vivid dream. You remember it so clearly at that moment, but later in the day it wears off and the details are less clear.
Work is getting more bearable with Stacy back in my life. She and I are becoming fast friends, just as we did before. Joe and I are getting along well and I’m managing my duties as a mom to Olivia, as I normally would. I tend to let her preoccupy my time so that I can avoid alone time with Joe, even though my guilt from the night of our anniversary is dissipating as time goes on.
We have succeeded at falling into a routine of sorts. This makes it easier for me to be in this body at this time. Sometimes I even watch car shows with Joe, or he sits through what to me are reruns of my favorite television medical drama but to him are new episodes. It is small incidents like this that confuse and distress me -- why I know the outcomes of television shows yet I can no longer recall Michael’s and my anniversary date.
I see my parents frequently. Now that fall is here and the days are shorter it’s too dark and cold to have family barbecues outside, so we try to go to their houses for dinner regularly. Mary has grown on me and I appreciate how she cares for my dad, though I often think about Nancy and wonder if I ever got the chance to say goodbye.
I try to visit with John at least every three weeks and the sessions are always more in depth each time. I have kept my agreement with him that I would not review my journal entries nor inquire about what I reveal in the sessions. He wants to compare his session recordings with my journal entries to see the similarities. I was opposed to the agreement at first, but later gave in -- as the passion I once had to find the truth is starting to dwindle.
Astrid joins in the sessions to show support, but I know she is mostly intrigued by the process. She has been helpful to me by providing guidance for managing my current life with less emotional turmoil. She still believes my story, even if I’m starting to question it myself. She is the only person who I’m sure
won’t judge me. Unfortunately, her psychic abilities for my life are also blurry at the moment, so she can’t tell me if Michael even exists or will be in my future anymore. This psychic block aggravates her, as she has never experienced it before.
I sleep better through the night now and even find that I’m dreaming of Joe and Olivia. Sometimes I see a familiar figure in my dreams and I am certain it is Michael, but his face isn’t really there. It’s like there is an empty, gray cover over it.
Every once in a while when Olivia speaks I think that it’s Stella’s voice that I hear, but I no longer feel the same pull in my gut like I used to. I often wonder if this is my body’s survival instinct kicking in so that I won’t go crazy or fall into a depression. Or maybe it is my way of letting them go.
CHAPTER 29
“Happy New Year!” we all say in unison as we clink our glasses and hug each other. We are spending the holiday with our old friends…well, to me they are old friends…and our parents at our house. We made a big buffet of food, desserts and drinks and sang along with a rented karaoke machine. It has been one of the most fun nights I have had in years.
The Christmas holiday was easier than I expected it would be. I focused on making Christmas special for little Olivia and surrounding myself with friends and family. However, underneath it all I could feel something was missing, and there was always an undercurrent of sadness flowing through me.
I am also finding my desire to journal is waning, and I’m doing it less and less. There are now significant gaps in my memories and I’m no longer as motivated to remember things as I was before. I wonder at times if it is because I’m preoccupied with my new old life.
Work is improving and I’m enjoying it more. I have a social outlet in the Marketing department, even if I’m not really part of it. Steve has even given me a few cross-over projects when I have had down time in Operations, and he seems impressed by my performance.
Joe and I are getting along well too. I still don’t have the desire to be intimate with him and have managed to avoid any contact since that one time on our anniversary. It has been tricky to do so, though, and has created a few arguments. Lucky for me he hasn’t caught on that I have claimed to have had my period approximately eight times in the last four months. I also tend to wait for him to go to bed first to ensure he is sound asleep by the time I crawl into bed. And sometimes I let him cuddle with me, just to experience the comfort of some kind of affection -- but I never naturally gravitate to him.
Even though I can no longer see the man of my future as clearly in my mind, or remember details of our life together as often or as vividly, I’m very aware I still have a place for him in my heart and soul. I can feel it. And I have decided that I will not cross any lines with Joe until that feeling goes away completely.
I am seeing my other child’s face less and less in Olivia’s. The two are sort of morphing into the same person. I wonder if that other little girl really exists at all. What if I just had some crazy beautiful dream when I left Joe and the panic attacks started? What if I really did make up some alternate reality to escape from a life I didn’t want with him? These questions often cross my mind, but now that I’m more stable in my current life I don’t feel the need to explore them as much as I did before. I am slowly learning to let go.
CHAPTER 30
The sunset glows upon us as we walk to Stacy’s house to get a propane tank for the barbecue we are having at my mom’s house while she is out of town. I am dog-sitting, so I take the opportunity for Michael to stay there and spend the last few days of his time here with me. Olivia is with her other grandparents, so I have a free weekend.
It is bittersweet. I’m so happy to be spending this precious time with Michael, but I am dreading Sunday when he leaves. We step off the sidewalk to cross the quiet suburban street. Stacy recently rented a house two blocks away from my mom’s, which now makes it convenient to visit them both.
Michael slips his hand into mine and I enjoy the feeling of his cool, dry palm pressed against mine. Our hands fit together perfectly. We leisurely make our way to Stacy’s back yard, grab the tank from her grill and head back out of the gate that connects to the alley.
Michael is carrying the heavy tank in both hands while I walk slightly ahead of him. I stop at the corner to cross the street and look back at him trailing behind with the tank. The orange glow of the setting sun frames him from behind. He sets the tank down when he catches up to me, pulls me in close and kisses me. Bliss.
CHAPTER 31
I sit upright on Astrid’s couch. I am tired. I feel unsettled. John leans back in the chair next to the couch. His legs are crossed and his notepad is perched on his knee. My journal is lying open on the table beside his chair. The room is quiet, with the exception of the crackling fire and the ticking clock in the dining room. Astrid is sitting at the end of the couch. No one speaks.
“What?” I ask them.
“First, it seems that you really, truly love this man.” Astrid says softly. John nods in agreement.
“But, Jennifer,” she continues, “Over the past few months I have seen your intensity to find the truth diminish. Initially you were so certain of your future life, and I could feel it from you. I occasionally even had visions of the memories you are telling me now. But they are gone,” she says. She appears concerned, and a little sad.
“What do you think that means?” I ask, a sense of foreboding starting in the pit of my stomach.
John sifts through his book slowly and taps his pencil on the corner of a page while thinking. I can tell he is trying to find the right words.
“We are starting to think that your soul is settling into this current life. Astrid and I have discussed this at length and she and I don’t sense in you the same emotional or physical attachment to this future or other life that we sensed when we first met you,” he says.
He reaches for my journal and flips through it quickly. “Your entries are becoming shorter, with less detail. They are almost sloppy and forced -- as if it’s a homework assignment that you don’t want to do. Yet when I put you under hypnosis your tone is extremely different and we hear the emotional attachment again,” he explains.
Astrid sits up and puts her hand on my knee. “Jen, we could go on and on and listen to your recollections of whatever your future was -- or maybe it’s a parallel life or something that could have happened if you had taken a different path -- but we aren’t sure this is serving you well.”
I am becoming angry, but I don’t know why. I’m frustrated by what I am hearing. I am telling them all of these memories when I’m in an alternate state, but they won’t let me know what these memories are in order to avoid “contaminating the purity of thought,” as John likes to put it. I understand his reasoning, but I’m frustrated that I am not allowed to hear what they hear so that I can find out if that will bring something back.
“So now what? What are you saying?” I demand, feeling a mix of panic and anger.
Astrid sits up more straightly, faces me and takes my hand into hers.
“Jennifer I don’t know how this is helping you. I cannot see how you will get back to this other place. I used to see glimpses of your and Michael’s life together. I could see a wedding day, I could see the birth of a child, but the visions have stopped,” she says as tears start to pool in the bottom of her grey eyes. My body begins to shake.
“Jennifer, this has been so fascinating,” John begins. “I have never come across someone seeing a future that was only within years of their current life and providing such detail, even things that are revealing themselves in your community without you having any way of knowing about them. I could go on and on listening to you, but this would only be selfish of me. I have no ideas about how to get you back to that life, or if I could, what the risks might be,” he finishes.
“So, you are just giving up on me?” I ask. The panic is now in my voice, and rising. “You just want me to stay here, in this life, and not ever see them again?�
� I stand up and shout at them. “I can’t let this go, I can’t let them go! “
“Jennifer, I can’t see you with anyone anymore,” Astrid says abruptly from the couch.
Her words are a stunning blow. I freeze. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I feel my other loved ones slip even further away from me. It burns. It hurts. It takes my breath away.
Astrid stands up and gently rubs my back. She softens her tone.
“Jennifer, I’m so sorry. Something has changed over the last few weeks. It seemed to be with the turn of the new year. I used to see who I believe is Michael, but then I also saw you and Joe. I also saw the birth of a child. It’s so choppy and hard to make sense of, but it’s what I am envisioning.”
I draw in a breath that almost chokes me. I cover my eyes with my hands and begin to sob. Astrid guides me down to the couch and rocks me while I cry. I know she is telling the truth. She has nothing to gain by lying. And I now know that I have to prepare myself to move on.
