by EJ Valson
This is not my home.
CHAPTER 50
The phone rings two hours after Michael leaves for what could be for good. I have sent Olivia to my dad’s for a bit so I can sit and cry without worrying her. I dread answering the phone because I am in no mood to talk to anyone.
“Hello,” I say trying to sound normal.
“Hey,” the caller responds. It’s Michael. I am surprised to hear from him so soon. I fight back the urge to cry again.
“Hi,” I say back.
“Are you OK?” he asks sadly.
“Yeah,” I lie fighting back more tears. He is silent on the other end, but I can hear the airport noises through the payphone.
“I want to try this,” he finally says, as he lets out a heavy sigh. My heart lifts. I am elated.
“You do?” I ask surprised.
“I think we can do this. I will if you will,” he commits.
I can’t help it. I begin to cry again.
“Don’t cry….please,” he says, his voice cracking.
I collect myself. “I’m just happy,” I respond.
In unison we sigh with relief.
I have no doubt in my mind over the way we feel about each other or whether we can make this work. We will figure it out as we go along. The details aren’t important, but the love that we feel is. Steady as we go.
CHAPTER 51
I wake up at 10:00 a.m. to the phone ringing. I’m startled out of a dream-memory. Still in the grogginess of heavy sleep, I manage to answer the phone. It is Joe’s mom wanting to know when I plan to pick up Olivia. I arrange a time to get her and hang up.
I haven’t heard from Joe and to my knowledge, he hasn’t come home. The sun is shining bright outside. I feel like the world is going on without me and I missed most of the day by waking up so late.
I shuffle to the kitchen and brew a pot of coffee. I don’t feel like doing anything at all, but unfortunately I don’t have that luxury. I make my way to the bathroom for a quick shower and opt to be lazy about my appearance today.
I lightly dust on my makeup, put my hair up in a wet, messy bun and throw on jeans and a sweater. When I go back to the kitchen to get my coffee and breakfast, I notice how sparse the cupboards and fridge are, due to my absence. I get angry with Joe again.
I pour my coffee in a travel mug, grab my purse and head out to the store. I realize that I have a couple of hours until I need to pick up Olivia. I decide to postpone grocery shopping and head to the waterfront to go for a walk. This isn’t something I would normally do, but I feel like I need to breathe and think.
Downtown is quiet on this Sunday morning. It’s chilly, but the sun is out -- typical for March. I park and head to the newly-installed fountains. There are big rocks placed around the area for people to sit on and watch their kids play. Today there is no one here.
I make my way to a nearby bench with my coffee in hand. I hear the distant hum of semi-trucks crossing over the bridge and the sound of the river flowing through town. Occasionally a car will drive down the narrow street, but mostly I am alone.
I watch the fountains dance and perform for me. I sip my coffee and look around slowly, remembering how this is supposed to look in the future -- the restaurants, breweries and little shops that will be erected. Then I feel the memory coming on fast, and the rush in my head takes over.
It is a Friday night. We are with a group of work friends. It is our goodbye party for Michael and Bjorn. We make our way to an eclectic little bar that has recently opened. A friend of ours is deejaying there.
Tonight is different from any other night. Michael and I have a secret. Nobody knows and nobody needs to. The night before, we stepped over the line from being close friends to something more. What it is, we are still not sure, but we know that there is love between us.
It was not a one night stand. It was not a foolish mistake. It wasn’t expected or planned, but it was right. Tonight, in the midst of fun and laughter, there is a slight sadness that weaves its way through my veins.
When I head to the restroom, I sense Michael sneaking up behind me and feel him wrap his arms around me. He does it when we are out of sight of everyone else. He is confirming our secret, our moment, our mutual feelings. I don’t know if I will see him again, but tonight he is mine and I am his. And no one needs to know.
I snap back to the present and feel instantly drained. Some of these episodes are getting more intense and physical. It’s almost as if I leave my body and cannot control my surroundings. I’m transported to that moment in the future/past and it’s as if I am watching it unfold like a movie. I look around to see if anyone is watching me. I am still alone. It is quiet all around me, but I’m riotously shaken.
I decide to go to the only place where I have come to feel safe in moments like these.
CHAPTER 52
Astrid opens the door before I even knock. “Jennifer, it’s so good to see you. I sensed you were coming so I put on some tea,” she says, letting me in. I remain quiet.
She steps back and assesses me. She shakes her head slightly. “You saw more, didn’t you,” she states. I nod and make my way to her couch to rest.
She goes to the kitchen and quickly returns with two cups of tea, then sits down next to me. She doesn’t press me for details. I suppose she doesn’t have to. She is probably already getting a sensation of what I experienced or what happened with Joe.
We sit in silence for a few minutes. Since I’ve arrived, the weather has drastically changed and rain is starting to fall. Instinctively I curl my legs up on the couch as I would at my own home. I silently sip my tea and listen to the ticking of her wall clock.
Astrid gently clears her throat and takes a drink of tea before setting it on the coffee table. “You still haven’t heard from Joe?” she asks. Although her question reminds me that she has an odd ability that I will never have, I appreciate that I don’t have to explain the details of last night.
I shake my head.
“Don’t worry about it. He will be there when you get home. And save yourself the trip getting Olivia. He will already have picked her up,” she says matter-of-factly. How she can see some recent events clearly and not others still confounds me.
I look at her and laugh. “Astrid, you are my saving grace in all of this,” I say gratefully.
She shrugs. “Oh, I know,” she jokingly retorts.
“So what do you want to do now?” she asks, after a moment of mutual quiet. Her question strikes me as odd. I’m not sure that I even have the luxury of doing what I want to at this point in time.
I look at her in confusion. “I don’t really know what you mean. I don’t think I have much choice but to just let things happen until we hear from John,” I reply.
“Now, Jennifer, yes and no. You have to remember that you are still going to be given opportunities, just as you were given in your life before…or later, I guess I should say,” she jokes. “If Michael didn’t exist, if you didn’t have any knowledge of him, would you stay in this marriage with Joe?” she challenges.
I’m caught off guard by this question. I hadn’t given it much thought. I have stayed with him because it felt like the safest place to be. I have been terrified of doing anything drastic that could affect Olivia, or cause unnecessary chaos. But when I really think about it, deep down, and still being who I am, Joe is not the one for me. Joe belongs to someone else. And in the midst of worrying about my own life and what I have lost, I have forgotten that he too deserves better.
“Aha,” she says looking at me with a smirk on her face.
Damn it, Astrid, stop reading me!
She places her hands on my knees. “You see, my love, there are more lives and futures at stake than just yours,” she calmly states.
This comment puts me on the defensive. “What are you saying? That I should just leave him and tear our family apart?” I question her, with tension in my tone.
“Jennifer, I’m saying that by staying with Joe you may be preventing
him from fulfilling his destiny,” she calmly yet firmly responds.
I can feel my fear of being alone, of being ostracized, of being out of control, wash over me at once. If I leave Joe, then I have to start back down a road that I have already walked. If Michael never comes around, I may be alone, divorced and a single mother…again….and for what? I can’t see anyone winning by me just up and leaving. Astrid interrupts my train of thought.
“Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest. And though I still can’t see what your future holds, I am starting to see Joe’s. And Honey, you aren’t in it as his wife,” she says, as she rises from the couch and walks into the kitchen.
Her words punch me in my gut and take the breath right out of me. I’m not unhappy with Joe, but I know this is not a real marriage…at least not what I would want. Through this process and over the last several months I have become complacent when I stopped remembering my past with Michael. Now that I know and I’m completely aware of his existence and the life that I remember us having, I can’t imagine staying with Joe for the rest of my life. But I have to admit I haven’t considered him in all of this.
I put my mug down on the table and walk into the kitchen. Astrid is stirring a pot of something on the stove. “Is that a potion?” I ask her naively.
“I’m a psychic, Jennifer, not a witch,” she chuckles. “But this is a beverage that helps calm the nerves,” she explains, smiling. “You want some?” she jokes.
I shake my head. “You’re right,” I concede.
“Honey, it’s not me telling you this. It’s fate. I can’t say that I blame you for staying with Joe. I know all the reasons that you are and I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same. But you aren’t doing him or yourself any favors by staying. In fact, you may be damning up the river -- if you know what I mean,” she says with a wink.
And I do. I’m stopping the natural flow of things. I have always been one to advise against fighting the current.
I lean in to hug Astrid and she embraces me tightly in return. “I’ll see you later,” I say as I walk out of the room.
“Sooner than you think!” she calls from the kitchen.
CHAPTER 53
I keep the radio off on the drive home. I need to think, to formulate my speech. I have knots in my stomach and I’m on the verge of throwing up. I am so consumed with nerves that I don’t know if I should laugh or cry as I turn into the driveway.
Joe’s truck is parked in a different spot than this morning, so I assume Astrid’s vision is correct and Olivia is home as well. I take a deep breath before I shut off the engine. “Fuck,” I say as I exhale. I don’t have to go through with this. I could keep living this life as I have been. But I know it would be wrong to take the life away from Joe that he deserves, even if he isn’t aware of its existence.
I hear the sound of the television as I approach the front door. When I open it, Olivia turns from the show she is watching and runs to greet me with a big hug.
“Hi, Baby Girl,” I say, as I pick her up and squeeze her tight.
“Mommy, I missed you so much!” she says with a squeal. I relish in her embrace. I take in the scent of baby shampoo mixed with kid sweat and kiss her soft, chubby cheek before I set her down.
“Go watch your show, Honey. Mommy needs to talk to Daddy,” I say, warding off tears.
I glance around the house, but there is no sign of Joe. “Where is he?” I ask Olivia.
“Outside,” she says, fixated on the dancing ballerina on the television.
I make my way to the patio doors to look for him. He is cleaning the barbecue grill. “Hi,” I say, as I sheepishly make my way over to him.
He doesn’t budge from his task of scrubbing the grill. “Hi,” he mumbles back.
I am hesitant to broach the subject. He doesn’t appear to be in the mood to talk. “Can we talk?” I ask.
He continues scrubbing for a few seconds before acknowledging me. I wait in silence until he decides to put the brush down and turns to face me.
He looks exhausted, his eyes are heavy and his body is slightly hunched. He looks defeated. “What do you want to talk about?” he asks flatly.
I’m a little put off by his resentful tone, but I know I need to do this sooner rather than later. I remind myself that Joe is not a wordsmith, nor as good at expressing his emotions as I am, so I need to be patient with this process.
“Well, about….us,” I say meekly.
He stares at me for a minute, takes a breath and prepares to speak. “I guess,” he replies, with a begrudging exhale.
I look back at the house and realize that we won’t be able to do this with Olivia here. “Let me just take her to my dad’s house first,” I say.
“Why?” he asks abruptly. “Is this that serious?”
I look back at him and make firm eye contact. “It’s necessary,” I calmly reply.
Before he can argue, I go back inside, call my dad and pack Olivia up.
When I drop her off, I’m quick and vague about why we need an hour alone. Dad and Mary don’t seem concerned and are happy to spend time with her.
On the quick drive home, I run a conversation through my head to prepare myself. However, these words are lost to me when I arrive back to the house. Joe is just getting out of the shower when I walk in. I pray he is relaxed now. I’m nervous as I make my way back to our bedroom. I take off my shoes and jacket and slowly sit on the edge of the bed. My body is so tense I can barely move.
Joe slips on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, and I continue to wait for the right moment to speak. He keeps his back to me as he sits on his side of the bed to put on a pair of socks.
“Joe, I need to be honest with you about something,” I begin. He remains silent with his back to me. “But I need to you be open and not get angry,” I continue.
“There is someone else, isn’t there?” he asks abruptly. His question takes me aback. How does he know? How would he know?
“Yes and no,” I carefully respond. I get up from my side of the bed and move over next to him. I look at him and he lifts his chin to make eye contact with me. His eyes are pleading and there are pools of tears welling up in them. I shake my head. “Joe, this is hard to explain, but….there is someone else for you,” I say.
His forehead wrinkles with confusion. “There IS no one else in my life. What are you talking about?” he retorts angrily.
I take a deep breath and try to formulate how I will respond. “I know there isn’t….at least not right now. But I know, deep down, that you deserve and will get so much more from someone else than I can offer you,” I say.
He stands up and begins to pace, head down in his usual “thinking” position. “How can you say that?” he raises his voice. “We have a daughter! We have a life! We have been together for SO long!” he argues.
In this moment I’m unsure of how to make him see what I know in my heart and in my mind. I love him in some way. Maybe as the father of my child, or my first love, or as the friend that he has become. But I know that I don’t love him the way I love Michael or the way that I believe Rachel will love Joe if they find their way to each other again. And I have to do this before we all miss the window of opportunity for them to connect.
I stand up and rest my hands on his arms to stop his pacing. I take his hands in mine in an attempt to calm him down. “Joe, I know all of that. I cherish all of it too. I know that you don’t understand why I am doing this, but you have to listen to me,” I plead. He looks at me with questions in his eyes. Olivia makes this same face when she is sad -- it’s so heart wrenching.
“Please believe me Joe. I have not cheated on you, I haven’t betrayed you. But I know at the core of my soul that I am NOT the one you are supposed to be with,” I say firmly. “I don’t want to hurt you, or Olivia, or anyone in our family, but if I keep you from what I know you deserve, I will end up hurting you more than you know. I don’t want to take that experience away from you,” I explain.
“What experi
ence? What do you mean?” he asks, his voice getting frantic.
I see Michael’s face in my mind. “True love,” I simply say. I look more deeply into his eyes and hold his hands tighter.
“I mean experiencing the kind of love that makes you feel emotions you never thought possible. The kind of love that makes you drop your guard and be vulnerable to any kind of pain you might endure, just to have the pleasure of experiencing it…even if only for a short time. The kind of love that makes you feel as if you are with your best friend, soul mate and stranger -- all at once. The person that even in a moment of anger you can still look at and know that there is no other place you would rather be than with them. The person that you know you were put on this earth to find….and to love wholeheartedly. And if you woke up one day and they were gone, you would walk to the ends of the earth to find them,” I say as I begin to cry.
