by EJ Valson
“I did. So to what do I owe the pleasure?” I tease.
“Honey, I’ve got good news. Well...news at least. I guess I’m not sure if it’s good or not, but it’s something. John FINALLY called. I was so worried! Anyway, he said he has found the brother of a man who went through something similar to you about thirty years ago. He is going to travel down to his village and meet with him next week. He is going to thoroughly investigate the situation and call in the next couple of weeks with an update,” she finishes.
I’m excited and nervous all at once. I want to find a way back to my life, but I am worried about getting my hopes up. This is the only lead we have. There is no one else in their special community that had ever heard about anything like what I have experienced. John has made the most headway, but if he reaches a dead end I don’t know where I will go from here.
“That’s great,” I say half-heartedly.
“Oh, Jennifer, I know it’s not exactly what you want to hear. But please be patient. I sense good things from this trip. I feel we are getting closer,” she reassures me.
“Astrid…have you been able to see anything more, about me?” I inquire.
“Well...honestly, it’s still fuzzy. I know you have been with Michael and I don’t think that you should avoid him, but I caution you about trying to force anything. Every time you try to recreate your past or prevent something in its natural course I almost feel as if I lose my grip on….well....you. I can’t concentrate as well on you. But what I can tell you is that lately I have been getting glimpses of you smiling and happy. And….you need to let go of any guilt you may have about Joe. He is going to be just fine,” she says.
With that I smile, say goodbye and hang up. I lie back down and stare at the white ceiling above the bed. I will not fight the current. I will accept each day for what it is and not try to manipulate the situation and control the outcome. The first time around I just let things happen and it seemed to work out in my favor.
I am startled by someone opening the front door. I hurry out of the bed and rush to the bedroom door to peek out. I realize I’m overreacting when I see it’s Joe, who has already sat down and is taking off his shoes.
“Hi,” I say meekly, as I enter the living room. I’m not sure if he wants to talk.
“Hi,” he says, not making eye contact. He seems annoyed by my presence.
“How was the party?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Fine,” he says shortly.
“You’re home early,” I say while I take a seat nearby. I can tell he doesn’t want to chat, but we have to get over this awkward stage if we are going to co-parent successfully. I can’t bear for things to be like they are in my other life. Not with how I know Joe the way he is now.
“Yeah, it was boring, so Jason brought me back early, since he had to work anyway,” he explains.
I begin to ask what they did when he abruptly cuts me off. “Jen, stop,” he says. “Stop trying to be my friend,” he says firmly.
I take a hard swallow. I am not used to him talking to me like that. I can feel the blood rushing to my face. I’m embarrassed and trying not to cry. “Sorry,” I manage to say while choking back tears. I am confused. I thought we had an understanding. I don’t know why he is suddenly acting so cold.
He sits for a moment with his head hanging and his palms pressed against his forehead. I wait in silence. “I don’t want to be mean. I know that you want to do this the right way, but I can’t stay here anymore. It’s too hard coming here every day and not being with you. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I have to constantly make sure I don’t call you ‘Babe’ or tell you ‘I love you’ by habit. It’s just uncomfortable for me,” he explains.
I take a minute to figure out the best way to respond. I don’t want him to go. Mostly because I am afraid that if he leaves, he will be absent completely. What if he stops seeing Olivia? Will I have to be the bitch ex-wife that is constantly telling him to visit his kid or pay child support?
“Joe, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like that. What do you want to do?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know yet. But I think we need to start the divorce process, make it official,” he says, slumping into the chair.
I guess he is right. There is no point in staying like this. We have told our close friends and family. Next is Olivia. The first time around it was so much easier. She was very young. She never remembered us together. This time I will have to tell my five year old a hard truth. Her soul is so innocent and tender. I hope she can bare it. I hope I can too.
CHAPTER 57
The following week I’m more than relieved to step into the solace of the Marketing department and get my mind off of the days before. Olivia didn’t take the news that we were splitting up as badly as I anticipated, but the night we told her I heard her quietly crying in her bed until she fell asleep. All the while I wondered if we were doing the right thing. I hate hurting her, but I know that other things in our future and other people could be sacrificed if we take the easy way out. And neither of us would be happy in the end – including Olivia.
Joe and I have a long talk and decide that we will get the divorce paperwork started immediately. Luckily, Oregon has a pretty easy “do-it-yourself” process, and since we aren’t fighting over any assets, we should be able to get through this quickly and simply.
We decide that we will take turns with Olivia every other weekend, but to avoid taking her from her environment, we will alternate staying with her at our house while the other person stays somewhere else. Joe will also pick her up after school every day and bring her home as usual. On Wednesday’s he will come over and have dinner with her and I am welcome to join them.
I decide to let him have the first weekend with her and I will go stay at my mom’s. She is heading out of town to visit family so I will have the house to myself while I watch her dog. I’m actually looking forward to it.
Since Stacy lives down the street from my mom’s, we decide to have a BBQ on Saturday if the weather holds up. It has been surprisingly warm for mid-April, so we plan to take advantage of it.
The work week goes by quickly. However, there is a change in the atmosphere between Michael and me. It is familiar. Sort of a mix between flirtation and comfortable buddies. One day when I stepped out of my office to go to the copy room, I ran into Michael in the hallway. He surprised me by jokingly picking me up and placing me back in my office.
Luckily no one was looking, but it was funny….and familiar. The best part was feeling his embrace. Even if that is not what was intended. For just a brief moment, I could smell him, feel him and pretend that he knew who I was to him.
On Friday night Stacy and I have another girl’s night and split a bottle of wine at my mom’s. We sit on the back patio and look up at the big night sky. All the stars are shining bright.
We talk about life, work, vacations we want to take…her chaotic love life. “You know, I think Michael likes you,” she says, breaking a moment of silence.
I try to not react and play it cool. “Yeah, maybe, but we are just friends,” I say.
“Mmm, hmmm,” she teases.
I giggle. “Look, trust me, I like Michael. But I’m still going through this stuff with Joe and it wouldn’t be right to rush into something,” I explain.
“Well, my dear, you may have to rush because you don’t have much time until he leaves. May is approaching quickly,” she says.
Damn it! In the midst of all the chaos with Joe and trying to get Michael to notice me, I failed to remember that we are in a time crunch here.
What will I do if John doesn’t get back in time to get me out of this situation before Michael leaves? What if Michael leaves and that is that? What if he goes back to Sweden and we are still just friends? If I am stuck here, living my life all over again, then it could mean living my life without him…and without Stella.
I can’t remember all of the details of how Michael and I finally got together. Only the “De
ja vu dazes” give me clues, and those are sporadic. And even if I could remember, Astrid warned me not to intervene and try to control the outcome. I am walking a fine line and hanging in a balance that is tough to navigate.
My heart starts to race and I’m doing my best not to panic in front of Stacy. But I know I have to spend as much time with Michael as I can, without forcing myself on him. I remember enough about Michael to know that he doesn’t like aggressive women. Confident, yes, assertive, yes, but desperate, no.
“So, who is coming to the barbecue tomorrow?” I ask Stacy.
“Um….my sister, her baby, her boyfriend, you, Bjorn, Michael and their roommate, Lewis.” she says.
“For sure, all of them?” I ask.
“Uh huh. Michael is even cooking. He wants to make a shrimp fettuccine dish, so he will be over earlier to cook since their kitchen is lousy,” She replies.
“So will I,” I say.
“Of course you will,” she teases.
CHAPTER 58
At 4:00 p.m. the next day I walk over to Stacy’s from my mom’s house. The afternoon is unseasonably warm, but I know it will be chilly after dark. I am now wishing I would have brought a sweater. I am wearing a jean skirt, flip flops and a striped t-shirt. I didn’t want to over dress, but I have managed to look cute for the occasion.
I take my time walking while focusing on my breathing. My nerves have been running high all day. I slept in this morning after tossing and turning all night. Between the wine swirling in my head and anxiety about Michael leaving soon, I couldn’t settle down and didn’t fall asleep until sometime after midnight.
I managed to get up around 10:00 a.m., then ran down to the private community gym that my mom has access to. The exercise helped stave off my stress for most of the day, but when it came time to leave, I started to feel sick with nervousness.
Part of me wants to tell Michael the truth, but I know that’s irrational. It’s highly unlikely that I would be able to sit him down and say, “Michael, you probably won’t believe this, but I’m your wife from the future. Somehow I woke up in my past, but one that I never actually lived. But before I woke up here, you and I were married and we had a daughter. Can you please just believe me and stay with me for the rest of whatever I have left of this life?” Yep, sounds crazy even to me.
I’m half a block away when my cell phone rings from my back pocket. It’s Astrid. “Hi, Astrid,” I answer.
“Jennifer, I’m sorry to bother you. But I just couldn’t stop thinking about you. It was more of a nagging sensation,” she rambles. “Anyway, I just wanted to call you and tell you to relax,” she says.
I’m a bit annoyed that she is so tuned in to me, but I appreciate her support nonetheless. “Thanks,” I reply.
“Look, I’m sure you are getting tired of my input, but I want you to enjoy what is happening right now,” she explains.
“But he is leaving soon, Astrid,” I whine. “I have about a month before he goes and I’m afraid I will never see him again,” I continue, beginning to panic.
“Shhhh, none of that,” she chides. “Listen, I can’t make sense of any of this either. But remember that our fate and destiny is formed by us taking opportunities. It sounds like recently you have had a few that have just manifested on their own. I still can’t see any future visions, but for some reason I’m at peace with what you are currently doing in regards to Michael. Oddly enough I have actually relaxed. Ha, ha!” she says, laughing.
I roll my eyes, thinking, “That makes one of us.”
“Hey, this is frustrating for me, don’t misunderstand me,” she continues. “I have never been around someone whose future I couldn’t read, but who I could sense so well,” she explains. “BUT, if I were you I would go along with this. You may or may not end up together, Honey, but the fact of the matter is you have this time with him. Don’t think about tomorrow, don’t think about next year, or ten years from now. Just be with him now, while you can,” she encourages.
I’m almost on the verge of tears. She is right. This is what I need to do. Live in the moment and get whatever time I have with Michael now…and appreciate it. God knows I took it for granted right before I arrived in this life.
Distracted by my conversation with Astrid, I don’t realize that I have walked right up to Stacy’s driveway. I stop to collect myself for a moment before I go in. I have to enjoy this. I need to be upbeat and positive. I can’t sour the mood.
I hear a car pull up behind me and park. When I turn around to look, I see it is Lewis’ car. Michael is in the passenger seat and Bjorn is in the back.
“I gotta go,” I say.
“OK, Love,” she says, her voice bright.
We hang up and I wave at Michael. He steps out of the car. He is dressed in shorts and a short sleeve button up shirt. He has a big smile on his face. “Hey! You here to help me cook?” he jokes.
I shrug. “Sure!” I say.
“Great. You can chop all the onions, because I’m not crying tonight,” he says with a sarcastic smile. I can only hope that I won’t be either.
He heads towards me carrying a grocery bag and a six pack of beer in one hand, then steps straight up to me and gives me a big friendly hug. I’m taken back a bit, but I know this is him. I remember that he is warm and always greets close friends and family this way. This is a good sign.
I take the beer from his hand and carry it inside. This small act comes naturally to me. We walk into the living room, moving close together. Stacy has lively, acoustic music playing on the radio.
“Hey guys!” she says greeting us all with hugs. “Come on in. Michael, the kitchen is all yours,” she says, pointing towards the kitchen.
Everyone easily settles in. I help set out wine and chips. The guys open their beers and Michael gets to work cooking. The happy ambience pervades the house. We are all light hearted and living in this moment together.
Stacy heads out to the patio with her sister, Bjorn and Lewis. This leaves Michael and me alone in the kitchen.
“Here, can you chop this?” he asks, handing me an onion. I dutifully take out the cutting board and knife and start my task.
We are quietly preparing a meal together, something I feel we have done many times. At some point we start singing along to a song together. It is easy, natural. We are content in this space together.
Dinner is delicious. When I taste Michael’s food I’m thrown back into a moment of familiarity. It tastes like home. I am instantly comforted by its aroma and flavor.
After dinner, Michael pulls out Stacy’s abandoned acoustic guitar and starts to strum. Her sister’s ten month-old daughter crawls over to him and pulls herself up to stand near his legs. She begins to bounce along with the song he is playing. He looks down at her and smiles while he continues to play.
I am thrown into another flash of memory. I see Stella. I see Michael singing in Swedish to her. Then my memory jumps and I see him teaching Olivia to play the guitar when she is eight. I am quickly pulled back into the present. My face feels hot and I’m a bit dizzy.
I glance around the room, but no one seems to notice my frazzled state. I slip out of the room and go to the patio for some fresh air. Breathe, breathe, breathe, I tell myself.
I allow the evening breeze to kiss my face as I turn towards the setting sun. I close my eyes and focus on getting my heart to slow down. I feel a hand touch the middle of my back. I jump and turn to see who it is.
“Hey, you OK?” Michael asks.
“Oh, yeah, I just got warm in there,” I reply.
“So, how are things with you? Everything going alright at home?” he asks, concerned.
“Yes, actually, it’s really good,” I say.
Michael pulls two patio chairs over for us to sit in. For the next hour we get lost in conversation. I explain Joe’s and my situation and tell him what our plans are. He talks more about finishing school when he gets back home and the traveling that he wants to do. I tell him I want to go to Paris. He jokes th
at if I end up going, he will meet me there.
We talk about Sweden and what it was like growing up there, and more about his friends and family. As he tells me about it, I feel as if I could finish most of his sentences. I don’t remember things in detail, but it all sounds like stories that I have heard before. Probably because I have.
CHAPTER 59
The night continues on with more wine, beer, singing and laughter. It’s midnight when Bjorn passes out on the couch. Stacy’s sister and her family have gone home, so only the five of us are left. Stacy and Lewis seem to hit it off. They spent most of the evening flirting and talking. Throughout the evening Michael and I have also managed to have some deeper conversations about relationships, life and the future.
It’s getting late, but Michael doesn’t feel comfortable driving and Lewis isn’t in any shape to drive either. After a while, I realize Stacy and Lewis have disappeared.
