by EJ Valson
It’s just like Astrid to call and try to reassure me, but instead confuse me even more. This is not helpful information. This is frustrating. I’m the type of person that likes to get things done. I like instant results and this has been the biggest test of my patience that I can recall. Everything is a waiting game, nothing feels tangible and I have no way to know if I am doing the right thing.
CHAPTER 63
Dusk is setting in over the Seattle skyline as we pull into the city on this crisp May evening. Lights from tall building windows illuminate the air and I grow excited as we take the exit to our hotel.
The ride here was pleasant. Lewis drove Stacy’s car and she played DJ. Michael, Bjorn and I squeezed into the back, with me in the middle. This forced me to be close to Michael, who let me lay my head on his shoulder when I wanted to nap.
“Ok, so I think we take a right here and it should be a half mile down that way,” Stacy says, navigating from the directions she printed from the internet. Michael snaps pictures as we drive through the busy streets. The camera preview shows smears of car lights and businesses. The pictures aren’t clear, but are artistic-looking.
“Ohhhh,” Lewis says, starting to laugh as we approach the hotel….or rather motel. Stacy had booked a hotel online that was downtown and within a twenty minute walk to Pike Street Market and the Space Needle. The price for a double suite was decent and now we know why.
The outside of the building is painted a mint green color that’s showing serious signs of wear and it is obvious that people don’t just stay one night. I am inclined to believe that some people live here, because there are potted plants in a few of the windows.
“Well, this should be interesting,” Michael says.
“Dammit!” Stacy says, disappointed.
I lean forward and squeeze her shoulder. “It’s OK. We won’t be staying in the room that much and the location is good. We will just make sure to lock the doors!” I assure her, laughing.
“What’s that guy doing up there?” Bjorn says, pointing to a room on the second level. A man with a large video camera on his shoulder puts out a cigarette and walks back into a room, then shuts the door.
“Making a porno movie,” Michael and I say in sarcastic unison. We look at each other and laugh.
“Great,” Stacy says, as she gets out of the car to check in at the lobby.
A few minutes later we head up to our room, which is luckily on the opposite side of whatever movie is being made in the other unit. Upon entering our room we are hit with the smell of cigarette smoke coming from the room next door. I drop my bags near one of the three twin-sized beds in the main room and decide to take a tour. On my right is a full-sized bathroom, decorated in dark pink and green. Across from that is an adjoining door to the smoker’s room. I grab an extra blanket from the closet shelf, bundle it and press it against the door to block the smoke.
“Good idea,” Michael says, noticing what I’m doing. I shrug and nod.
The main bedroom is festooned with old wood paneling, and a painted cinder block wall supports windows covered in plaid curtains. The queen-sized bed is slightly sunk in the middle and I am praying the sheets are actually clean.
“OK, so girls in this room, boys in the front?” Stacy asks when she enters the room.
I quickly glance at Michael, who makes eye contact with me. “Sure thing,” he agrees, and leaves the room.
“So no cuddle time with Lewis tonight?” I tease her.
“Oh, no, no, no,” she quickly responds. “One night of cuddling and he thinks we are married. I need to draw the boundary line,” she adds.
We freshen up after the four-hour car ride and decide to walk to dinner. Once we get out of the motel parking lot, the city offers a more visually pleasing experience. The sidewalks are clean, the trees are maintained and the businesses around us are upscale and inviting.
We settle on the Pie Palace, as it is still Happy Hour and they have plenty of seating. Michael has been a bit quiet during the walk here.
“You OK?” I ask him quietly when we sit down at our table.
He smiles politely and nods. I know this face. He is distracted, something is on his mind. Dinner comes quickly, and we eat up and then drink even more. Stacy, Lewis and Bjorn are caught up in the moment and enjoying the loud atmosphere. But Michael has been more reserved and I am having a hard time tuning it out.
When we leave I grab Michael’s arm to slow him down to walk with me. “What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he replies, unconvincingly.
Lewis, Stacy and Bjorn continue ahead of us, not realizing we are hanging back while they laugh and talk as they walk down the sidewalk back to the motel. Michael is walking with his head down, lost in thought.
“OK, stop,” I say, stopping him in the middle of the walkway. “What is up with you, tonight?” I ask frustrated. I don’t care how well we do or don’t know each other at this point. I hate sulking and that’s what he is doing. I just want to have a good time and I can’t with him in this mood.
He looks down for a minute and thinks, then looks up at the sky and sighs a big sigh. “I just want this weekend to go well. But mostly, I’m having a hard time imagining leaving. I love being here with you guys, and I have a little over a week until I have to go back home,” he says.
“So, are you afraid that if you just let go and have a good time it will be harder to leave?” I ask.
He stares down at the sidewalk and nods. He is embarrassed by his emotions, but they are honest. It’s almost childlike and my mothering nature kicks in.
I gently place my hands on both sides of his face and lift his chin so he is looking at me. “I don’t want you to leave either. But we need to make the most of this weekend. We need to not think about you leaving. We need to let ourselves go and make memories and not have any regrets,” I explain.
He looks into my eyes and I don’t look away. He really sees me. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” he says and with that he takes my hand in his and lifts it to his mouth and gives it a kiss. He doesn’t let go of it as we make our way behind the rest of the group.
We walk all the way back to the motel holding hands. It feels so natural. I lean closer into him as he tells me a story about his best friend in Sweden. I don’t even care when Bjorn, Stacy and Lewis stop to wait and notice us holding hands. It isn’t their business, it isn’t their life.
When we get back to the hotel, Stacy starts making vodka tonics for all of us, and turns the radio on. If there is any motel where we could get loud and not worry about getting in trouble, this would be the place. After midnight, I decide to go to bed.
“I want to play Truth or Dare,” Stacy says, pleading like a child who doesn’t want to go to bed.
“You have fun with that, but I am going to bed,” I say chuckling.
Michael is lying down on one of the beds, almost asleep. “Do you want to play?” Stacy asks him, trying to shake him awake.
“No thanks. I would rather sleep,” he says, with his eyes still shut.
“OK, OK, you go to my room and I will sleep out here,” she says half slurring. I perk up, because that means he can share a bed with me tonight.
I casually make my way to the bathroom to wash my face and take a quick shower after the long day. When I’m finished, I try to make myself looks less bland without makeup, but there is no point really. In the morning, I will look my worst and I guess he will take it or leave it!
Michael and I pass in the hallway as he makes his way into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on as I flip on the bedside lamp and nervously make my way into my side of the bed. For some reason I always choose the side closest to the bathroom. When Michael returns he is in a pair of workout shorts and a t-shirt.
“Do you mind if I crack the window?” he asks. I shake my head.
He gently lies down on his side of the bed.
“OK, goodnight,” I say, as I turn to switch off the lamp.
I lay staring at the cei
ling, as the room isn’t completely dark due to the city lights outside. I can hear Stacy laughing in the front room. I know she has had too much to drink, but she can handle herself.
Michael is lying with his back to me. He starts to stir a bit and turns on his back. We both lay there in silence. I’m not sure if he wants to talk or sleep. I feel his hand searching around the covers, then his fingers are suddenly intertwined with mine.
“Goodnight, Love,” he whispers.
CHAPTER 64
Saturday afternoon we are all tired after walking around Seattle most of the morning. We decide to take a nap before dinner, as we will need energy for the late night ahead. Stacy decides she will just sleep in the main room, as she did the night before.
Michael and I go back to our room and try our best to sleep, but end up talking and snuggling. Being with him is easy. There is no awkwardness when we reach out to each other. There is nothing sexual, though I wouldn’t be opposed to it turning that way. But I can tell he is trying to be respectful.
In his mind I’m still married with a small child, even though Joe and I have filed for divorce. Though I don’t think he had a problem with this the first time we got together -- in our “real” life -- I hadn’t been in a serious relationship for over two years. I was fair game then, and Olivia was never an issue. From what I remember he has always wanted kids.
My current situation leads us into a more serious discussion. “What do you want to do with your life, now that you will be single?” Michael asks.
I ponder this for a minute. I am not sure how to respond. I opt for honesty. “I want to fall in love,” I reply.
“Hmm,” he says, considering my answer. He reaches out and entangles my fingers in his. “Give yourself some time,” he cautions.
“I will. But I haven’t been in love for quite a while. Joe and I are at best good friends.”
He raises himself up on his elbow to face me. “You don’t want to end up in a rebound relationship, though.”
I meet his eyes. “That won’t happen,” I say.
“Oh really? How can you be sure?” he jokingly prods.
“Because I am saving myself for someone,” I say.
He thinks about my remark for a moment. I can tell he is confused and not sure how to respond, as he is squinting a little. He is trying to decipher what I mean. Michael leans in and kisses me on the cheek, then lays back and pulls me in so that I’m resting my head on his chest.
We lay like this for a few minutes before Stacy knocks on the door and slowly opens it. I sit up. “Hey,” I say tiredly. She has a big smile on her face. Michael can tell she wants to talk to me, so he gets up from the bed.
“Beer time!” he announces as he heads out of the room.
Stacy closes the door behind him and sits down on the bed. “Oh my God, Jen. Lewis and I couldn’t sleep so we went on a walk,” she says and begins to giggle. “I made out with him, Jen.”
I start to laugh. “So…,” I say. She shrugs.
“I guess he wants to date me,” she says, her whispering voice filled with giddiness.
This admission makes me laugh inside. Yesterday she was acting like he was a clingy girl and now she is excited to have him as her boyfriend. Oh well. To each their own!
“I guess that is the magic of Seattle,” I say upbeat.
Stacy gets up, energized with the possibility of new found love. “OK, let’s get pretty and go out for dinner and dancing!” she says.
“Woo hoo!” I say overenthusiastically.
Though I am happy for Stacy, who has had nothing but bad luck in relationships, I’m a bit saddened and jealous. And a lot of this feels very familiar. I am sure this has happened before and I’m sure the situation is almost the same.
As I sit for a moment digesting my conversation with Michael and Stacy’s news, I hear someone singing from the alley down below. It is a man, and his voice is deep and soulful. It is getting closer as he passes below our window. I cannot recognize the tune, but I know it is a love song. I feel my body getting warm and flush. Tingles start to erupt in my brain and I’m starting to feel zapping through my body. I close my eyes and brace myself. I feel out of control.
I see Michael. We are lying in bed, this same bed…we are in Seattle. He is holding my hands and looking into my eyes. He looks serious. “I am not done with you yet. I’m going to marry you someday,” he says.
I feel the sensation leave as quickly as it came. We have been here before. We have slept in this bed. We fell in love here. And I know for certain that this is the place where everything changed. This is the weekend that everything came to the surface.
After I shake off the episode, I manage to get ready and go on about my evening with everyone. After a nice dinner we head down to a waterfront club. As soon as we walk in, the up tempo music and vibe of the club force me to let go of my anxiety.
Michael gets me a drink from the bar and leads me to the dance floor, where Bjorn, Stacy and Lewis are already dancing. He puts his arm around me and moves me in closer to the group. I have to live by what I told Michael to do this weekend. Let go, have fun and make memories.
I may not have this opportunity with him again. I have to make the most of the time we have. He is with me at this moment. In a month, a year or a decade he may not be. There are no guarantees with anything in life, but I am guaranteed tonight.
CHAPTER 65
The week following our Seattle trip is a whirlwind. From the time I get home on Sunday evening, it is non-stop. Joe and I finalize all the divorce papers, have them notarized and turn them in to the courthouse. All we have to do now is wait a minimum of ninety days for the official divorce decrees and the process will be over.
He has been more cheerful lately and not as evasive. On Wednesday night, I join him and Olivia for dinner at what we are now calling “her house.” We all enjoy each other’s company and I love seeing the big smile across her face as she tells us about her day at school.
The week has been busy, with Michael and Bjorn completing a company presentation to get their full intern credit. And I am preparing myself for two things. The going away party we are throwing for them on Friday, and the last night I get with him on Saturday.
My mom and her husband are heading out of town again, so I offer to house sit. Joe is happy to stay with Olivia this weekend, so I don’t have to worry about what to do with her. I feel like a half-ass mom at this point, but if she only knew why I was gone so much, she would understand. I have to do this for all of our futures. Luckily it doesn’t seem to be affecting, her since I’m home with her every week night. She just sees it as extra time with Daddy.
On Friday we hustle around the office to get the presentation going on the projector in the conference room. I take a seat in the back with Stacy while Bjorn and Michael wait for the rest of the company members to settle in.
Bjorn is nervous, but Michael talks with ease as if he is having a conversation with a good friend. They go through their slides, discussing the market research they conducted. And at the end they show a silly slideshow with pictures of their time here and talk about the fun they had getting to know everyone. A few pictures of Seattle, the trade show in LA, the lemon of a car that ultimately broke down and other group photos appear on the screen. I try my best not to cry. I have shared some of the best moments of my life with him.
At 4:00 p.m. we leave the office early so I can take them back to their house to gather their things. I park the car in the alley and follow them through the back entrance of the large house. It smells the same as the day I came in to sign their lease, which takes me back to how this journey began.
We make our way to the large room they share. Originally, they each had their own room, but an ant infestation in Michael’s room forced him to bunk up with Bjorn. Upon entering, they quickly grab their sparse belongings. Their suitcases are already packed, so it is only a few minutes until we are ready to leave.
I follow Michael as he walks through the house and
says his goodbyes to the quiet introverts he has grown to be friends with. The house is made up of mostly foreign exchange students or socially awkward guys that find their outlet behind computer screens. But Michael has a way about him that makes even the shyest people comfortable, and they tend to open up to him.
From there we head straight to my mom’s. Michael throws some pasta together so we don’t go out hungry before their “goodbye” pub crawl downtown. I head upstairs to shower and get ready. I take my time shaving, scrubbing and doing my makeup and hair. This is our last “hurrah” so I want to look my best.
Stacy and Lewis show up at the house around 7:00. They are giddy, like two teenagers, and it honestly sort of annoys me how publicly affectionate they are. I don’t know, but it could be a touch of jealousy. Michael seems as unamused as I am at their behavior. Mostly because in a week’s time, Lewis now only talks about Stacy and claims he wants to marry her. Michael and I care about them both, but their relationship has been the source of a few jokes over our recent late night instant messaging sessions.
