by EJ Valson
He leaves today. My heart feels like it could split in two as I accept this reality. He is only steps away in the next room and by tomorrow he will be more than five thousand miles, nine hours and an ocean away. I start to shake a bit with anxiety. I wish this body wasn’t confining me here.
I quietly get out of the bed and slip out of the room, closing the door behind me. I carefully open the door into Michael’s room. Rather than sleeping, he is sitting up in bed, writing something. He notices the door opening and quickly looks up.
He smiles and sets aside the paper and pen. “Hey,” he whispers.
“Hi,” I say as I slump into the bed beside him. I fold myself into his arms and bury my head into his chest. I just want to stay here. I want to keep his scent and his warmth with me always. I wish I could bottle it.
He lightly rubs my back while he returns the embrace. “So, today is the day,” he whispers. I nod. “I’m sorry,” he says sensing my sadness.
After a while, we hear Olivia stir, so I quickly go back to the room we’re sharing before she realizes where I am. Michael leaves his room to shower in the hall bathroom. Olivia greets me with big “good morning” hug when I snuggle back in bed with her. She is my constant. She is the one thing that always kept me grounded when I was single, between the time I divorced Joe and when I met Michael. We had our own life together. She was my little trooper. I could take her anywhere, around anyone. She was always well behaved.
I never let anyone I dated meet her. I recall that the only reason I let Michael meet her before we started dating is because I never had an initial romantic interest in him. I wasn’t worried that he would enter her life and then leave, because I didn’t think we would ever be so involved. When we did decide to start a relationship, she already knew him as Mommy’s friend and liked him.
“Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy!” Olivia says, squeezing me hard. I am reminded of the holiday and take a mental note to call my mom and Mary later. She jumps off the bed and runs to her backpack. She unzips the front compartment and pulls out a flower made of craft paper. “Here you go,” she says, proudly handing me the gift. I wrap my arms around her tiny body and squeeze her tight.
Later on, we all get ready and pack my car up with Michael and Bjorn’s luggage. We have three hours until they need to catch the shuttle to the airport, which is two hours away, so we decide to have lunch downtown with Stacy and Lewis.
We have a quick lunch at a pizza place and then get gelato. It’s a gorgeous warm day, so we decide to walk while we eat our dessert. Olivia is gleefully walking ahead of us with her treat in hand. Bjorn and Lewis are talking about motorcycles, but Michael and I are quiet as we walk down the riverfront walkway, side by side. Our hearts are heavy.
We make our way to the in-ground fountains, where children are playing in the water. “Can I go, Mommy?” Olivia asks.
“Sure, just take off your shoes first,” I say. I sit down on a large, warm rock bench to watch as she carefully approaches a fountain that is sprouting water three feet high. Michael sets his gelato cup down and sneaks up behind Olivia to scoop her up and run with her through the fountains. She is screaming with laughter as he ducks in and out of the fountain rows. They are both getting wet, but don’t seem to care. Stacy pulls her camera from her purse and starts taking video.
Flashes begin in my head that are quick and painful. This moment has happened before. In a minute, Olivia will run up to me. The flash stops and I breathe carefully to calm myself without drawing attention. As I collect myself, Olivia runs over and grabs my legs, making them wet. She is laughing. I knew that would happen.
Michael makes his way to me with a big smile on his face. His shirt is wet, along with his shoes. “You OK?” he asks, noticing my confused expression. I nod to assure him.
We sit out in the sun for a bit longer to allow Michael and Olivia time to get dry. After forty-five minutes, Bjorn sits up from the bench he was lying on. “It’s time to head over,” he tells Michael. My heart stops for a second, then painfully aches. I am not ready for this.
I look at Lewis and Stacy, who are cuddling on a rock together. As they kiss and nuzzle and relish in their new found relationship, I sit here and die a little inside. The love of my life is about to leave me. This is horribly painful and the worst part is that I have to hide how much it hurts. No one but Astrid knows how deeply in love with Michael I am. No one else knows how certain I am that he is the person I’m supposed to be with for the rest of my life.
As I grudgingly strap Olivia into her booster seat and get behind the wheel of my car, I try my best to remain calm and go through the motions of saying goodbye to Michael. As we drive through town to the shuttle stop I feel like I’m part of a funeral procession. Everything seems to be moving slowly and it is eerily quiet. I want to stop time, I want to stop this moment and tell Michael everything. I want to prevent this from being the end….but I can’t.
Lewis and Stacy pull into the parking lot ahead of us and park. They get out casually, as if nothing is happening. Because to them, nothing is, other than saying bye to a couple of friends. And their stake in this is low.
Michael is as hesitant to move as I am. He is quiet and seems down. Bjorn quickly gets out of the car and goes to the trunk to get his bags. Olivia is now asleep in the backseat, so we are careful to not wake her when we close the car doors. I make sure the windows are all the way down so she gets air, while we stand outside of the car and wait.
Michael grabs his large suitcase and backpack from the trunk and exhales heavily as he closes it. I stand in silence, willing myself not to break down and cause a scene. Lewis and Stacy stand on the curb near the shuttle stop. They decide to say their goodbyes now because they have to get to his Lewis’s parents’ house for dinner soon. I am grateful they will not be here to witness my reaction to Michael’s departure. Within two minutes they are in their car and off, but not before Stacy gives me a wink and mouths to me to call her later. She can sense that I’m sad. But Bjorn is oblivious to what is taking place for Michael and me right now.
The situation is bittersweet...with emphasis on the “bitter”. He came, we met, we feel something and now he has to leave. This isn’t as simple as saying, “Hey, come back and live with me.” Michael is young and has to finish school. And there is the fact that we have technically only known each other for three months in this current time. He is not an impulsive person. He thinks things through and this would be out of his character to take a gamble and be irresponsible. Even if I told him what I know, he would have trouble accepting that as truth. He isn’t one to get caught up in grandeur, drama or unrealistic fantasy.
The shuttle bus pulls into the parking lot, disrupting my last quiet moments with him. I want to throw up and cry at the same time. This is all wrong. This is all wrong. Michael looks at me. His eyes are apologetic. He seems torn between what he wants to do and what he has to do.
I look back to check that Olivia is still safely sleeping. Bjorn walks over to me and gives me a big hug. “Thank you for everything Jennifer. I had such a good time, and if you ever come to Sweden, we shall have a beer!” he says, before stepping on the bus.
Michael steps towards me. He is pressing his lips together firmly. Tears are beginning to fill my eyes. Michael sees this, and pulls me close. “Don’t cry,” he whispers. I hold them back. Once I let them go, I know I won’t stop. “We will always be in touch,” he says. I nod, with my head buried in his shoulder.
The shuttle driver lets out a honk, indicating it’s time to go. I slowly pull away from Michael and look at him. “I’ll miss you,” I say.
He nods and leans in to kiss me on my forehead. “Here,” he says, as he hands me a folded square of paper. “Wait until I’m gone to read it,” he says, straining to hold back tears.
“I will,” I comply sadly. He quickly leans in to hug me one more time and then rushes to get on the bus. I stand frozen in place, watching as he takes his seat. The shuttle pulls out of the parking lot and I foll
ow it with my eyes as it moves down the road until I can no longer see it.
I hurry back to the car and quietly get in, so I won’t wake Olivia. My fingers scramble to unfold the paper. I’m in a rush to see what he wrote. I take a deep breath as I begin to read.
“Jen,
When you read this I will probably not be around anymore. We have talked a lot these last few weeks and I feel that we really did connect on a spiritual level. One higher than most people are fortunate enough to experience. If your eyes tear, wipe them away and smile. I will be thinking of you.
Good friends are hard to come by and soul mates are like finding a needle in a haystack. But I was lucky enough to find you. We were meant to meet, but I don’t yet know for what purpose. We will find out in time. Time always tells. And this won’t be the last time we meet.
Keep being the wonderful mother that you are. Olivia will see how lucky she is in time, maybe she already has.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart -- as a matter of fact, from the bottom of ME -- for being my friend. You have changed me into someone better, someone more human. Love, huh? Weird it is, yet we all want it. Thank you for your love. I love you back, madly. I’ve known you for three months and I leave you these pages of “I Love You”, my kindred spirit.
If you ever need anything at any time, I will be there for you. I will try my best to help you. We will always be in touch. Goodbye, my Jenni. Much love, many hugs, you are the best.
Your soul mate forever,
Michael”
CHAPTER 70
The night crawls by like molasses. I’m restless, but emotionally exhausted. After quietly crying in the car all the way home, I manage to pull it together to avoid worrying Olivia, who slept through the ordeal.
After feeding her dinner, bathing her and putting her to bed, I sit quietly in the living room and try to release all of the tension and fear by telling myself it is all going to be OK. Stacy sent me a text message earlier asking how I was, but I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I simply wrote back, “Fine,” and left it at that. I’m almost crawling out of my skin with the feeling of helplessness. He was just here….and now he is gone.
Tomorrow I will go to work, and the desk he normally sits at will be empty. The space that he fills will be a void. I will be a void. All of these emotions are almost making me physically ill, partly because they are uncomfortably familiar.
It’s like hearing a song you know, but not remembering the words. I’m feeling frustrated by the desire to sing along, but afraid of singing the wrong lyrics.
I’m still lying wide awake in bed after midnight when I hear my phone buzz and see it light up on the nightstand. I quickly grab it to avoid waking Olivia, who begged to sleep with me tonight. I don’t mind, since I was feeling lonely.
I’m elated when I see I have a message from Michael.
“Layover in Chicago. I hope you are OK.”
I feel a rush of adrenaline race through my fingers as I try to type. “I miss you already.”
A few minutes pass until my phone buzzes with another text. “Me too. Did you find the gift I left you in your bag?” he writes.
I’m confused by his question. The only thing he gave me was the note at the shuttle stop. I lean over to my duffle bag that remains on the floor unpacked. I use my cellphone to illuminate the inside of the bag while I dig through dirty clothes and toiletries. I don’t find anything in the main compartment, so I check the side pocket.
My hands are hurriedly fumbling at the pocket when I feel something hard inside. It is cold, thin and sleek. I pull it out and realize it is his MP3 player. My heart flutters as I power it on. I scroll through the menu’s, excited to have all of this music at my fingertips -- most of it music that we both like. I come across the playlists. “For Jenni,” one reads.
My phone buzzes again. “Hello….?” reads his text. I realize he has probably wondered why I haven’t responded.
“Sorry, I just found it. Thank you!” I write back quickly.
A minute later my phone buzzes again. “Look at the back,” he writes.
I turn it over and see there is an inscription in the metal piece, but it is in Swedish. “Ödet leder den villige och släpar den motvillige.”
I can’t even pronounce half of the words in the engraving, let alone understand them.
“What does it mean?” I write back.
Another text pops up. “Fate leads the willing and drags the unwilling,” he writes.
Yes it does.
CHAPTER 71
The following week moves at a snail’s pace. I’m doing my best not to appear depressed or agitated but it has been challenging. On Wednesday night I leave Joe at the house to have his dinner date with Olivia and I head to Astrid’s.
I need her guidance on what to do next. For the first half an hour we talk about Michael leaving. She tells me the images she saw of him going. She is spot on. She asks about him proclaiming something to me. I hand her the letter.
When she is finished reading, she looks at me sadly and a tear runs down her cheek. “I have read a lot of love stories in my time, but never been close to one so real. I’m sorry he is gone,” she says sympathetically.
She reaches down beside her foot and grabs a roll of yarn from a basket and begins to knit. “Sorry,” she explains. “I do this when I need to calm myself down. I can’t fix anything for you right now and that frustrates me.”
“I know,” I say. I reach over and softly touch the soft, purple yarn. “What are you making?” I ask.
“Oh, just a scarf. I make booties and hats, too. Let me show you,” she says, getting up off the couch.
I follow her to her spare room, which is full of boxes of books and a desk with more yarn and knitting tools piled on top of it. She reaches into a box and starts pulling out bundles of finished scarves and hats.
I laugh. “Wow, Astrid, there are tons of things here,” I say.
“I made all of this since I met you. I actually hadn’t knitted in years until you came along,” she says with a chuckle. I look at her, surprised. “Well, you have been a bit of a frustrating client,” she jokes.
I understand what she means. She hasn’t been able to offer me any solutions. Her nature is to help people, to guide them. And without being able to clearly see much about me, she’s felt agitated. Apparently very much so, according to the twenty plus scarves and handful of hats.
“I’m sorry.” I say.
“How is this your fault, Dear? It’s not like you did this. You are going through this. I am just the lousy psychic,” she says, laughing.
We both laugh. I feel safe here -- sheltered and understood.
Her phone rings, startling us out of our pity party. “It’s John!” Astrid exclaims and runs from the room. I quickly follow her into the kitchen, where she picks up the phone.
“Hi, John?” she says urgently. She listens, but looks at me in a way that confirms it is him. For some reason my heart is pounding quickly. Every call from him matters. Every bit of news is an offering of hope.
A possibility of an answer. “OK. Uh, huh. OK….and where is this?” she asks him. I stand still trying to listen in on what he is saying, but my heart is thumping so loudly I hear it and almost nothing else. “OK, sounds good. Talk to you then,” she says, hanging up. I stare at her, eager to hear the details.
“He is coming back next month. And he thinks he has the answer,” she says.
CHAPTER 72
The weekend finally approaches and it is my turn to take Olivia. I am grateful for this, as we will be able to relax and I won’t be under any pressure to put on a happy face for anyone. I have received one email from Michael since his return to Sweden. He wanted to thank me again for spending time with him and assure me that he wants to stay in contact.
Sadly, these are not the words I want to hear. I want him to say that he wants to be with me, that he wants to come back. I want to hear more of what he wrote in his letter. Every bone in my body
resists the current situation. It feels unnatural and I’m restless as a result.
On Saturday afternoon I decide to take Olivia to the movies. I figure a couple hours of confining myself in a room with entertainment, where I have to shut off my cell phone and have no access to internet, is a good thing and the best way to avoid feeling disappointed from his lack of contact.
When the movie is over, we pick up dinner to eat at home. Olivia is the perfect distraction from my blue mood. She is smiley and happy and showering me with affection, which is difficult not to relish in.
After dinner Olivia wants to play outside. When she brings out the big pink ball that Michael gave her, my heart sinks, but I shake it off. The sun is setting in the west, so I know it is preparing to rise in the east….where Michael is.
I imagine him asleep somewhere -- dreaming, unaware of me and my sadness over his absence. I see him, eyes closed, shirt off, sleeping on his stomach, his strong arms peeking out from beneath the sheets. Light freckles gracing the tops of his shoulders. Morning light sweeping across his face. I wonder what he will do when he wakes up. Where he will go, who he will be with. Will he think of me?
