by EJ Valson
“I’ll leave you two alone,” she says, as she heads toward the kitchen. Moments later I hear the back door of her house shut.
I sit down on the couch again. Joe seems as if he is still trying to comprehend what just took place with Astrid. He finally slumps his thin frame into the armchair and rubs his dark hair for a moment, as if he is trying to sooth his brain.
After a few minutes he looks up at me. “OK, tell me,” he says.
For the next hour I carefully tell him my story. He listens intently as I explain how I woke up and found myself with him and Olivia and apart from my life and my family that were eight years in the future. I tell him how I thought I was crazy and that I went to see my therapist, but that she wasn’t helpful. That I searched for Michael and found nothing. How I decided to see Astrid when I got desperate, and how she and John believed me and tried to help. I tell him that the day I passed out at work was the day I met Michael, and what happened to me when I saw him.
I promise him that I wasn’t unfaithful. I explain that I tried to make our life work, but I didn’t feel it was right. I tell him I couldn’t remember everything about my life with Michael until John came back with the tapes and I heard my sessions. I tell him once that happened, my memory was fully restored, as well as my emotional ties. And I assure him the only reason I was quick to split up with him was because of Astrid. She knew that he had another life and a true love out there too. She didn’t feel it was right to prevent him from still getting that, even if I didn’t.
When I am finished I sit quietly, allowing him to digest everything I have told him. He has been gracious enough to listen without interrupting me. I at least owe him the courtesy of giving him time to think before he responds. Joe lifts his eyes to mine. “She was right,” he says, his voice breaking.
My eyes get wide. “She was?” I ask.
Joe gets a slight smile on his face. There is something he isn’t telling me. He moves from the armchair and sits next to me. He is nervous, but happy. “I believe you,” he says. “I believe you because she knew something that no one knows.”
I look at him curiously. His smile widens. “Jen, I’m in love,” he says.
I smile and laugh with relief. “Oh, Joe,” I say, gently touching the side of his face. “That’s wonderful.”
“There’s more,” he says, meeting my eyes. He takes a minute to tell me. “She’s pregnant,” he says nervously.
I am stunned. I begin to cry. Joe quickly moves in to console me. He thinks I’m upset. I motion with my hand that I am fine. “No, Joe, I’m happy for you,” I say through tears. I am relieved, happy and grateful. “Can I just ask you a question?” He nods.
“Who the hell is this girl?” I say laughing, as I wipe tears away.
He looks down and laughs nervously. “Oh, uh….it’s Rachel,” he admits. Without thinking I dive to grab him. I’m hugging him so tight he is almost falling over. “Whoa, whoa!” he says bracing himself.
“You’re not mad?” he asks.
I look at him for a minute. I study his face. He is also so young and innocent in this situation. He isn’t bad, he isn’t cold. He is just another person trying to survive and be happy in this game of life. He deserves this happiness and he deserves me being happy for him. “Absolutely not,” I answer.
CHAPTER 84
After we leave Astrid’s we go to pick up Olivia. On the way to his parents’ Joe has several more questions about the past year. I obligingly tell him anything he wants to know. After the weight of our past relationship and the roles we played in each other’s lives are no longer in the way, I feel that I can finally let go. I feel like Joe has been put on the same playing field I have been on all alone for so long. He can relate to me.
Joe admits he thought I was losing my mind earlier that night. He explains that he was extremely doubtful of Astrid’s ability until she told him she knew he was in love with a girl with the initial “R” and that she saw him holding a new baby. He said at that moment it was like his mind flipped upside down, along with the rest of his world. He could see everything differently. He was frightened, but reassured at the same time. I’m grateful he has accepted this situation so quickly and now believes me.
Astrid let us leave with the videotape of Jesus, John recorded. She knew I would want to show it to Joe to explain that I wasn’t the only one with this experience. She invited him to come on Sunday as well, but he still doesn’t fully understand what that will entail. I will have to explain that later, when the time is right.
As we make our way through the winding hillside streets, I sit back and roll down the window. I close my eyes and let the cool summer air tousle my hair and the setting sun caress my skin with its last few rays.
Joe makes the pick-up with Olivia quick while I wait for him in the car. On the way back to the house, Olivia is happy to see us together and getting along again. We share this moment as a family, singing along to the radio. There is truly no animosity or strings attached. Joe is in love and going to be a dad again. I am in love with Michael and soon will be on my way home. This is not something normally celebrated, but I know in our unconventional way Joe and I are doing just that. Olivia begs Joe to stay the night. He agrees, as he still has a few changes of clothes at the house and I don’t mind.
“Will Rachel be OK with that?” I ask.
“Trust me, she knows that I am very committed to her,” he assures me with a smile.
I think about how strange it is that this isn’t “weird” for me. When I look at Joe, I don’t see my ex-husband, or feel any romantic ties. I see Olivia’s dad and the face of an old friend. I have respect for the life he will get to live with Rachel and I only hope that it is as full of love as Michael’s and mine was and hopefully will continue to be.
After Olivia goes to bed, Joe and I grab a couple of beers from the fridge and head out to the back patio. The night is cool, but tolerable. The sun has set and I can only make out the silhouettes of the mountains in the distance. It reminds me of the night we had our anniversary barbecue. That feels like decades ago now.
“What are we like, in your other life?” Joe asks me out of the blue.
I sit quietly for a moment, thinking of how to respond. The truth is sad in a way. We don’t really speak. We mostly communicate through his parents, and sometimes Rachel sends me an email to coordinate visits with Olivia, but other than that our contact is minimal.
“Well, we don’t really talk,” I answer.
He looks at me, surprised. “We don’t? Why?” he asks.
I shrug. “You know, I honestly don’t remember,” I chuckle. “I guess we just put up the walls so thick and high between us that we didn’t see the point of breaking through them.”
“Hmmm,” he responds, and takes a swig of beer. “Well, I hope that changes,” he says.
I feel a ping of sadness. It won’t be the same between us if I return, and that is disheartening. I now see what we could have been had we taken a more mature approach to our split from the beginning. Olivia wouldn’t have had to be caught in the middle, and we may have been able to be some kind of family unit like we are now.
“So, exactly how will you get back?” he asks.
I consider my answer, which is that I really don’t know. Like some crazy science fiction movie, I’m supposed to take a serum and hope it knocks me into a dimension that leads me back to the right time and place.
He has a hard time understanding this and he accepts that fact. He continues on to ask what will happen if I do make it back. I tell him that we think everything here will just stop, like a story that didn’t get finished being told or a movie that pauses in the middle and never gets played again. No one will be harmed, or affected or remember anything. No one but possibly me.
“What happens if it doesn’t work?” he asks.
I finish my beer. “I will have to show you,” I answer.
We make our way to the living room and I get out our camcorder so I can play the tape. Joe helps me
connect it and set the television to the right mode. My heart begins to race as we sit down and press Play.
Joe listens, fascinated by Jesus’ tale. He is sitting upright, completely absorbed in what Jesus’ brother says. I stand leaning against the wall, watching Joe’s reactions to the film. In the moment the camera gets a view of Jesus on the mattress, I see his lips part in shock. He looks at me, his eyes wide. “What happened to him?” he asks.
I shrug. “They aren’t sure,” I reply.
When the tape ends Joe gets up and walks over to turn off the TV. He is silent and seems overwhelmed again. His head is down and his hands are on his hips. He is deep in thought. “You can’t do this,” he says to me. “It’s too dangerous.”
“I have to,” I say, tears welling in my eyes. “I want to go home”.
CHAPTER 85
On Friday, at the end of the workday, I make sure to tell everyone to have a good weekend. Stacy is going to the coast with Lewis, so before she heads out the door I stop her and give her a hug. She is caught a little off guard. “Have the best time,” I say.
She hugs me back, but gives me a long look deep into my eyes before she leaves. I can tell she is wondering what has been up with my mood the last few days. I have been more laid back about work stuff, and more interested in reminiscing and visiting. Steve joked a few times that I needed to get back to work, but I laughed it off. What difference will it make if I just screw around at work anyway?
The building is almost empty when it is time for me to go home. I take my time walking around and shutting off lights. I have a flashback to all of the silly times I had in this department. I smile at the thought of Michael and me joking around during work. I miss those days.
After I get in my car, I head to my mom’s house. I bought her flowers on my lunch break and I want to take them to her. When I arrive, she isn’t home, so I leave them on the front porch with the card I bought her as well.
My next stop is Astrid’s. I pull into her driveway around 5:30 p.m. She calls out for me to let myself in after I knock on the front door. She is in the kitchen cooking something that smells delicious.
“Hey there,” I say as I enter the kitchen. She is stirring some sort of liquid in a big pot.
“Hi, Honey. To what do I owe the pleasure?” she asks.
“I just wanted to get a chance to visit with you in private before Sunday,” I say.
Her face lights up. “Aww, that’s a lovely thought,” she remarks. She puts the ladle down and wipes her hand on a dish towel. “Want to sit outside?” she asks.
I agree and follow her out to the small bistro table in the back yard. The temperature outside is mild, so we can enjoy the solace of her little garden without getting overheated. I can smell a hint of lavender and other herbs in the air. Even with the buzzing of traffic on the busy road so nearby, I feel at peace here. “I have something for you,” I tell her, while reaching inside my purse.
“Oh, that’s sweet,” she says. I pull out a small bundle of tissue paper and hand her the gift I purchased earlier that day. She is surprised by my gesture and gingerly takes it from my hand. She is careful as she opens the tiny package. When she finally exposes the gift, her eyes change.
“It’s beautiful,” she says. She lifts from the tissue the silver necklace chain from which a small pair of silver angel wings hang.
“You have been like a guardian angel for me throughout this whole thing, Astrid. I just wanted to make sure you had a pair of wings that everyone could see,” I say.
I can tell she is touched by the gift, as she is silent but smiling while she carefully inspects the necklace. “Can you help me put it on?” she asks. I stand up and move behind her. She lifts her long, thick, grey hair away from her neck so I can lock the clasp. “Perfect. Thank you,” she says, while caressing the tiny wings with her fingers.
I return to my chair across from her. We sit in silence. She reminds me of my friend Kelly. She and I can sit in silence and not be uncomfortable. It’s like being with a close family member. It’s just easy.
“I have a son,” Astrid blurts out abruptly.
I look at her perplexed. “You do?” I ask. I now realize that I barely know anything about Astrid’s personal life. Was she ever married? Does she have a boyfriend? I feel a pang of guilt. She knows almost everything important about me. I don’t even know the very basics about her.
“Well, I had a son. He died three years ago from cancer,” she shares.
My heart drops in my chest. I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine the loss of a child. I feel horrible that she had to endure that. “I’m so sorry, Astrid,” I say.
She shrugs. “Oh, it’s alright. I have made peace with it. It was hard to see him in pain, so when he went I was grateful he wasn’t suffering anymore. The worst part, though, is that if it would have been caught early on, it might have been completely curable,” she says, letting out a sigh.
I wonder to myself for a moment if she knew he was sick before he did. Did she see the illness inside of him? Did she sense it? “I know what you must be thinking. Did I know he was ill,” she says. I catch my breath for a moment, a bit put off by her practically reading my mind.
“I didn’t. He was like you -- hard to read. And he kept his distance from me anyway. I didn’t know he was sick until he told me about it. When I finally got to see him in person, I knew it was grave,” she explains. “I think about you. I think about how you had this chance to come back in time. I wonder if I will ever be so lucky. I wish I could see him just once more,” she says wistfully.
I think about how I have again taken so many things for granted while being here. My chance to see Olivia as a little girl again. My parents at a younger age. My friends and other family members. Astrid slowly lifts her head and makes eye contact. “Enjoy it while you can, Sweetie,” she says.
I know what she means. Regardless of what life I am living, what decade, what year, it’s all going to be the past at some point. It will all be intangible and at best a memory. I stand up and move to Astrid’s side. “I will see you Sunday,” I say. I give her a quick peck atop her head and squeeze her shoulder as I leave.
I only have a few moments of this version of my life left. I need to enjoy them.
CHAPTER 86
On Sunday morning, I awaken to a ray of sunlight shining directly on my face. I squint a little to adjust my eyes before fully opening them. Today is the day.
I look to my right and see that Olivia is still sleeping. She is tired from swimming and going to the fair the day before. She is curled up on her side, blankets tucked under her chin. I lean over and gently stroke her dark hair. I give her a light kiss on the side of her head and snuggle up behind her. I hold my darling daughter while she sleeps. She is blissfully unaware that this may be the last time I get to embrace her like this. I’m painfully aware of it.
My phone startles me when it rings from the nightstand. I hurriedly reach to answer before it wakes Olivia. “Hello?” I answer, in a hushed voice.
“Hi, Love,” Kelly replies. I smile, as I haven’t heard from her in so long. I realize that in my preoccupation with preparing for my departure I almost forgot to call her.
“Hey you,” I respond. “One second. Let me move to the living room.”
I quickly grab my robe and tiptoe quietly out of the room. The guest bedroom door is closed, so I know Joe is still asleep, as he has decided to stay with us until I leave. I head outside to the patio to talk, as it could take a while and I don’t want to wake anyone up. I sit down on the cold patio chair and pull my knees to my chest to keep warm.
“Sorry about that,” I say.
“No problem,” Kelly says.
Whenever I get a call or visit from Kelly it’s a big deal. We have been friends most of our life and are actually more like family. We don’t know the details of each other’s day-to-day lives, but when we spend time together it is as if no time has passed at all.
For the next thirty minutes we catch
up and laugh. She makes sure I’m doing OK with the divorce and I assure her that I am. I wish I could tell her what has really been going on, but I know it is unnecessary. Even though I’m certain she would do her best to support and believe me, it isn’t the last conversation I want to have with her. So instead I opt to tell her that I will be in touch and that I love her before we hang up. I also make a mental note to follow through with that if I get home. Life is too short to take good friends and loved ones for granted.
When I go back into the house, Joe is sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. He is deep in thought.
“Morning,” I say closing the patio door behind me.
“Hi,” he says quietly.
I walk towards him and sit in the chair across from his. “Are you OK?” I ask.
He nods unconvincingly. “Are you sure you are ready to do this?” he asks, finally making eye contact.
