by EJ Valson
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I am,” I answer.
“OK,” he says. “Then so am I.”
We are interrupted by little feet thumping from down the hallway towards us. Olivia jumps into my lap and snuggles into my chest. I look at Joe, who is smiling at the sight of his sweet daughter. I try and take a picture with my mind. Will I remember this moment if I cross over? I hope so.
After making Olivia breakfast and having a cup of coffee, I decide I need to go get ready. We have about eight hours until Joe and I go to Astrid’s, but we are first going to take Olivia to the park and dinner before dropping her at my mom’s house to spend the night. As far as my mom knows, she is just having a night with Olivia. But what I know is that it may be the last time they see me the way I am now.
I let the warm water rush over my body in the shower. I take my time savoring the sensation of getting clean. It’s sort of like a baptism. When I am finished I try to find something to wear that I will miss getting the chance to wear again. I scour through the closet until I find something that suits my mood.
I find a sun dress that I have forgotten about in the back. It was something I purchased with Stacy on our first shopping trip. I run my fingertips over the soft, white cotton, appreciating the simple embellishments and patterns in the dress. When I put it on, I take a long look in the mirror. I appear almost innocent -- unsmudged, pure. And I realize that I need to go into this day with that same mind frame. I need to be at peace.
I slip on a pair of low-heeled wedges and put my hair up half way. I put on a pair of earrings that Joe got me for Christmas. They are small diamond studs, and they are just enough to adorn my ear lobes without being too flashy.
When finished, I grab my laptop and turn it on. After several minutes, it is finally functioning. I open my instant messenger and search for Michael’s contact icon. He is offline, but I can still send him a message that he will get when he signs on later. And I’m actually a bit relieved that I will be able to tell him what I need to without him being able to respond.
I begin to type.
“Hi, Michael. I am sorry I missed you. I’m also sorry that I haven’t been able to talk much lately. I have been a bit preoccupied. But I just wanted to say…again…that I love you, very much. I want you to remember what I told you in England. Remember it all…and don’t ever forget it. You will forever be MY soul mate.”
I hit SEND and log off. I am sure he will get it before I depart, but there is nothing more I can say to him. If I don’t make it back, I pray that he will carry my words with him always. If I do make it back, I will tell him myself.
It is the middle of the afternoon by the time we are ready to leave. While Joe puts Olivia in the car, I take one last look around the house that has been my home for the last year. I take the letters that were hidden in my drawer and place them on the dining room table so that Joe will see them if he comes back. Which would mean I didn’t cross over.
Joe has been quiet and somber all day, but I can’t let his personal feelings affect mine right now. I have to stay grounded in my belief that I am doing the right thing. I need to stay focused.
We spend the day at the park feeding ducks and pushing Olivia on the swings. I enjoy the feeling of the warm grass under my bare feet, and sun kissing my legs as I run from the ducks that are chasing us for bread. Olivia squeals with laughter when she sees me running from a goose that I am sure will bite me. I relish in her delight. I live fully in this moment.
We have a leisurely dinner at a local brewery. I can’t help but watch Olivia and Joe when they are sitting next to each other. They chew the same, drink the same and make the same facial expressions when they enjoy their food. Joe catches me staring at one point and gives me a questionable look. I simply mouth the words, “Thank you.” He gives me a slight nod in understanding. He gave me one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received – my daughter.
At 7:00 p.m. we head over to my mom’s house. Joe waits in the car while I take Olivia inside. When my mom opens the door, she notices Joe and waves, but I can tell she is confused as to why we are together. I step inside and close the door behind me.
“Does he want to come in?” she asks.
“Oh no. We just took Olivia out together today and it ran a bit late so he came with me to drop her,” I ramble out an explanation. She nods and doesn’t pry.
“I’ll take her stuff upstairs,” my mom says, taking Olivia’s backpack in her arms.
After she leaves, I get down on my knees so I can be at Olivia’s level. Olivia is eager to go play, but I need to have this moment with her.
“Livi,” I say while gently cupping her cheeks in my palms. “I want you to know that Mommy loves you soooo much, OK? You are the most wonderful girl,” I say, pausing for a moment to compose myself so I won’t start to cry. Her big blue eyes search mine in confusion. I can tell that she wants to go and be a kid, but for this one moment I need her attention.
“And no matter what, remember, Mommy will always love you and my love is always with you, OK?” I say choking back tears.
Olivia nods her head and leans in to hug me. She wraps her tiny arms tight around my neck and squeezes. I hold her back as tight as I can without hurting her. “I love you too, Mommy,” she says. When she leans back she gives me a quick kiss on the lips and runs off to play outside.
My mom makes her way to the bottom stair and just barely misses Olivia running into her. She laughs at Olivia’s energetic joy. “OK, Honey. I think she is all set,” she says.
I’m silent for a moment. I take in this moment with my mom. I reach for her and pull her close. “I love you, Mom.” I whisper, while holding back tears that are fighting to be released.
Without questioning my emotion, she hugs me back. “I love you too, Baby,” she says softly.
“Bye,” I say, as I quickly turn away to shield her from seeing the tears that have started to escape.
“Bye, Honey,” she says, a bit confused as I hurry out.
Joe starts the car when he sees me appear on the porch. Before I get in the car, I hear Olivia’s laugh from over the fence in the back yard, and I smile.
When I slide into the seat, Joe asks if I am alright. I nod as convincingly as I can, and stare out the window while I try to compose myself. I fear that if he sees me troubled he won’t let me go through with the procedure.
I ask him to quickly stop by my dad’s house. He agrees, and again waits in the car while I run in to say goodbye. As I quietly approach the screen door, I see my dad sitting in his recliner watching TV. Mary is sitting on the couch nearby and they are holding hands over the open space. At this angle they are unable to see me standing here.
They laugh in unison at something that happens in the show they are enjoying. They are content in their routine, in their life together. I smile. I know they are going to be just fine. I’m grateful that in either version of my life, he has a good woman that loves him. But in all honesty, I am most hopeful that Nancy will be the next person I see holding his hand.
“I love you, Dad,” I silently mouth through the screen. I know that he can’t hear me. I know that he can’t see me. But I decide to leave it at that. I turn around and hurry back to the car.
“That was quick,” Joe comments when I get in.
I shrug. “I said what I needed to,” I reply.
I lean back and close my eyes. I see Stella’s little face. I see Michael and I see older Olivia. And I feel a sense of calm wash over me. I am ready.
CHAPTER 87
“Are you sure you want to do this, Jennifer? If this doesn’t work, the outcome could be devastating,” John cautions me. I stare at the vial in his hand. I have to remind myself to breathe. I am afraid, but anxious. Sad, but excited. I only have one shot to get back to where I came from. Back to where my soul belongs.
I look at Joe across the room, sitting and waiting patiently. He is scared too -- scared he could lose me forever, his friend and the mother of his ch
ild, to something awful. But I know he is in love with Rachel. He is starting to love her in the way he never loved me. I don’t want to be a burden for him. I want them to live their life without me being an obstacle or Joe having to take care of me. I need to do this for him as much as myself.
“Joe, can I talk to you for a minute?” I ask him. He nods and stands up from his chair. I reach out my hand to take his as I approach him and I lead him into the kitchen. I’m struggling to find the right words. I have so much to say to him.
We have come such a long way. When I first arrived in this life, I resented him for a previous marriage that lacked everything I have with Michael. But somewhere along the way something changed and it brought us to a friendship I hadn’t anticipated. He is a good man and a good father. I only want him to have the love and life he deserves and I know that I was never meant to be the one to give that to him. Rachel is.
I fight back the tears as I look into his eyes. I can see his begin to fill with tears too, but he is holding them back. “I can’t thank you enough, Joe. I know this was so hard for you to accept. And I appreciate you believing in me,” I say, straining to speak coherently through my tears.
He squeezes my hand and presses his lips tight. “You’re welcome,” he says, then drops his head down. I pull him in close and wrap my arms around him. I rest my head on his chest, just like I did the night we danced at the wedding. This time I am comforting him.
“If this doesn’t work and you see me slipping away, please take Olivia somewhere else. Take care of her and love her for the both of us. Just make sure she knows how much I love her,” I say through tears that now flow abundantly.
He backs away and looks at me. He is scared. “We don’t have to do this, Jen. We can keep things the way they are. We will figure out something,” he begins to plead.
I cup the sides of his face with my hands to force him to look at me. “This is not the way it is supposed to be. We have lives we need to live. People we need to love. We can’t play it safe. We will only resent each other if we do. And you will always wonder ‘what if.’ Besides, Joe, you are having a baby with Rachel. You love her,” I say.
Joe smiles a little at the thought of this fact. He agrees with me. He knows it’s the truth. Astrid helped him see his future. He knows it is not supposed to be with me. And I can tell that he is truly in love with her. I don’t want to be someone’s “pity wife”.
I remove my hands from his face and pull him in again for another embrace. “We may never be this way again, but I am grateful that we were for a while,” I whisper in his ear.
John walks into the room. “Sorry for interrupting, but it’s getting close and we have to be specific on the time or we lose a chance of this working,” he explains.
I release Joe and kiss him on the cheek. “Here’s to our futures,” I say, forcing a smile. He grins slightly and releases me so I can follow John back to the living room.
There is a nervous tension in the room. I feel like I am walking into my ultimate fate. There is no turning back. I have fully committed to this. I want Joe to have the love he deserves and children with the woman I know his heart belongs to. And even though younger Michael doesn’t understand the intensity of my love for him, future Michael would want me back.
Before we proceed I go to Astrid. I look at her for a moment without saying anything. With her, there really isn’t a reason to use words. She already knows what I am feeling. She reaches to embrace me and we stay that way for a moment. “Thank you, Astrid,” I say quietly.
I remind myself I would never go through with this if anyone else would be damaged by the process. But I know when I’m gone, and even if I am not gone but don’t come back as me, their lives will still go on. I will be the most affected in either case. This is a small comfort, as I lie down on the couch.
I turn to face Astrid and Joe, who are standing side-by-side. Her arm is around him. I smile slightly at them, then turn away to face the ceiling. John kneels down by my side, trying to smile but clearly nervous. “You ready?” he asks. I nod and smile calmly to reassure him. “I’m so sorry if this doesn’t work,” he says.
I raise my hand and hold it over his knuckles, which are white with clasping the vial. “Thank you for everything John. I know that isn’t enough, but I appreciate everything you have done to get me home,” I say quietly.
John is not an emotional person, but I can tell that I have struck a chord -- as he can no longer look me in the eye. His hand begins to shake a bit. He nods with acknowledgement and carefully pulls the small cork from the tiny vial. He follows the hands on his watch carefully.
I close my eyes and take slow deep breaths to calm my nerves. I decide to use a future relaxation technique I would use when I’d wake up in the middle of the night with insomnia or when I couldn’t fall asleep. I tell myself the story of how Michael and I met. This always eases my tension and I could usually relax and fall asleep quickly. I can see Michael’s face in my mind. He looks older. He is smiling at me. He is willing me to come back to him. I breathe in and out.
“Alright, now open your mouth,” John says abruptly. I brace myself for the contents of the vial. I feel vulnerable, my heart is beginning to pound in my chest. “Now,” he says urgently.
A rush of adrenaline scorches through my body as I feel the thick drop of liquid fill my mouth. It takes only a moment for the vial to empty. John pats my shoulder to let me know he is finished and I hear him move away. I close my lips together and swallow. The flavor is bitter, then sweet, then sour, then salty, then my tongue feels numb.
I stay as still as possible with my eyes still closed, as I feel a sudden rush of emotions wash over my body. I have the urge to laugh, and then I feel sad. I even feel a tear run down my cheek. I can hear Astrid, John and Joe quietly repeating the prayer they were told to say. Their voices are starting to drift farther away.
All of a sudden my body feels very heavy. I’m being pulled from behind, but at the same time I have the sensation of being thrust forward. I cannot physically move. I’m still lying down, but I am starting to feel like I am weightless, floating. Their voices keep getting farther away. My ears are plugging, like they are under water. My head starts to throb. I can’t move, I can’t make it stop. I can’t escape. It’s too late.
I feel nauseous. I need to throw up but my mouth won’t open. What if I choke and die? It’s becoming painful. I am all at once trapped, free, sick, hurt, sad, happy, angry, joyful, lost – dead.
CHAPTER 88
I feel my body hit something hard. I gasp for air, but I can’t breathe. It hurts and I still feel sick. My back is pressed against a cold, hard surface. I reach out to feel for around me for anything I can grab onto. I feel something rock-like beneath me, like stone, but it’s smooth.
I will my eyes to open. They hurt and burn. I work to breathe in and out through my nose. Open! I shout in my mind. My eyes shoot open. It’s dark. I am somewhere outside. I force my body to turn over on my stomach. My heart is thumping hard inside my chest. I’m terrified. I slowly lift my head and prepare to see my surroundings.
My eyes finally come into focus. I cough a bit as I pull myself up to my knees. I almost throw up, but hold it back. I lean back on my heels and sit up. I take another full breath. The dizziness and nausea begin to wane. I hear no sound. I feel no movement of air.
I look to my left and notice a bright full moon in a dark sky full of stars. It hangs above a field of tall grass. I look down and notice that I am sitting on a slab of dark, glassy marble. It is a path and the moon is reflecting in it. I look to my right. It is the exact same thing. Another moon, more stars. It is a mirrored image and I don’t know which one is the original. I reach out to the side with both arms. All I feel is open space.
I slowly pull myself up to standing. I can breathe better now and my heart rate is returning to normal. I notice that I am no longer wearing the clothes I left in. Instead I’m in a long, white, sheet-like dress. My eyes continue to adjust into fo
cus. I cannot see any farther than fifty or so feet in front of me. Only the light from the sky is guiding me.
I take small steps with my bare feet on the cold marble walkway. From my left side, I see a comet soar across the sky and then disappear. I instantly see the mirrored image of the same thing on my right side. The tail of the comet vanishes on both sides in unison.
The air is cool, but calm. The blades of grass do not move in the field. I carefully walk to the left and reach out to touch the grass. It feels real. As I touch it, it slowly lights up. Startled, I quickly pull my hand away. Its appearance returns to normal.
I turn around and walk to the opposite side. I now know it is not a mirror, as I cannot see a reflection of myself. It is simply the same. I move to the right and touch a piece of grass in the field on the right. It lights up in the same way. This time I keep my hand on it. It changes colors while in my hand. White, to gold, gold to yellow, yellow to blue, and blue to purple. It’s remarkable.
