But unfortunately, she knew it would end soon. Elliot would return to the mainland, and his real push towards becoming governor would start. The start of big plans. Huge plans. Things that would require he have a perfectly groomed, poised, and quiet wife at his side. The role she was prepared to perform, lest he take out his displeasure on her. Her stomach cramped each time she imagined Elliot’s campaign. Whenever he was under stress, he took it out on her, making her the victim, not him.
She shook off her morose thoughts. She was here, now, and it was all she had. Why dread now what would come soon enough?
****
Penny stood at the front door, grinning and Lindsey waved her greeting. Noah’s sister often stopped by usually to see Noah, but lately, just to see her. She enjoyed the break. Penny was funny and sweet. She often toted her kids along, who were impossible not to like. And watching Noah as he kidded and messed around with the older boys each time made Lindsey’s heart race. What would it be like if Elliot wasn’t a monster and behaved like Noah? Imagine the joy of wanting to have a child with your spouse.
Elliot only wanted a baby to complete the perfect family picture that their ideal marriage was supposed to become. It was almost too long that they didn’t have a child. He was getting antsy. She dreaded what he’d do if she didn’t get there soon. The IUD only had a year left in its efficacy. When she first had it inserted, she still had a car and ease of movement. That was before they moved and she could still drive alone. Now? Now, she wasn’t even sure how she’d get it removed.
Elliot, at some point, would start blaming her for not conceiving his child. She dreaded that confrontation. It would get brutal. He could not take any failure, even biological. And if he ever found out she had purposely prevented him from successful conception, she could only shiver at the thought, and had to shut her brain down. No, she could not picture that. Nor could she picture subjecting an innocent child to his sadistic personality. She would not let a baby suffer by having her as a mother, for what kind of woman was she, to allow such violence to be regularly inflicted upon her? What kind of mother could she possibly make?
“Hey, Lindsey, we’re running over to Mario’s. They have to-die-for pasta dishes. Why don’t you come with us?”
“Us?” She wanted to go. The fun of Penny was refreshing and a slice of life Lindsey didn’t often experience. But going to dinner with Noah? No, not such a good idea. They were friends at work now, and visited Tessa together. That was enough. No, perhaps that was too much. She could not keep pursuing him in her spare time. It wasn’t right. It was, in fact, dangerous for her to do. A danger that no one there could ever truly comprehend.
“Yeah, Noah and my other brothers, and their families. And my parents. Come on , it’s just a casual dinner. No big deal. But they are fun. My brothers are crazy funny.”
Lindsey didn’t know men who were crazy funny. She knew stodgy, formal, important or powerful men. Handsome, polished, and distinguished men like her father or Elliot. And all their friends. She did not know casual, working-class, crazy, fun men. She hesitated and tapped her finger. Did she dare go? But why not? There was no reason. And she already disobeyed Elliot regularly, so what was one more thing?
“You should come,” said Noah.
She glanced over her shoulder as Noah came up and a warm flush spread over her skin. He wanted her to go! She dropped her gaze so he couldn’t see the spark of interest and excitement his casual invitation created in her. She never felt so wanted in such a pleasant, nice way as Noah or Penny wanted her. It was nothing like the sick, twisted, jealous ownership that Elliot displayed toward her.
She nodded. “Okay, yes, I’ll come.”
Brother and sister both grinned at her. She couldn’t help grinning back as she watched Noah grab the youngest boy. He twisted him over his shoulder and paraded him around like a sack of flour while the boy screamed and giggled with joyful excitement.
A normal family. Who knew such a thing existed?
Chapter Eleven
Noah’s family were already seated when Lindsey, Noah and Penny came walking up. They all stood when they spotted Noah, and Lindsey behind him. Eyebrows rose and eyes skimmed over her, as they took her in. She stopped, shifting her weight on her feet, feeling suddenly awkward. They thought she was his date occurred to her as they all started smiling and exchanging “looks.”
Noah turned and touched her arm for a brief second as if to remind her to move.
“Hey, everyone, I’d like you meet Jessie’s sister, Lindsey. She’s filling in until Jessie has the baby and returns to work.”
His mother physically dropped her shoulders; was that disappointment? Then the older lady pasted a smile on her face and turned to Lindsey.
“Hello Lindsey. It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard all about you from Penny. I’m Elenore Clark.”
Lindsey lifted her hand to shake Elenore’s hand after she came around the table to do so. Elenore was a short woman, and so much Penny’s mother, they could almost pass for sisters. Elenore kept her hair short and curled around her pixie face, but the signature dark hair that seemed to be a family trademark was speckled in gray. She had a warm, fresh face. A little makeup, and she’d be very attractive for her age. She was just as open, gregarious, and chatty as Penny. Next came Noah’s father, James Clark. He looked like Noah, and towered well over six feet, dwarfing his tiny wife. They were an adorable couple. He smiled as easily as Noah, and slapped Noah on the shoulder in an affectionate greeting. They laughed and talked about business.
Next, she was introduced to Pete and his wife, a young, Asian girl named Analise. She was a lovely, shy creature who kept her head down and smiled often, but said very little. Only after hearing her speak a few times did Lindsey learn she spoke broken English. She met Penny’s husband finally, a gregarious, red-headed, giant of a man who broke into deep smiles and mischievous glances. He showed nothing but affection and good-natured joking toward Penny and their children. Then there was the youngest brother, Jasper, a senior at Central Washington University where he was studying sociology. He was also dark-haired, and much shorter than Noah, Pete and their father. He was also quieter than the rest of the family.
She sat beside Noah, at the center of the table after the entire family separated to make room for them right in middle of the table. Even the kids were pushed away. Some remained at the table, while others stayed in the game room. Their shouts of glee could be heard echoing and screeching around the loud, boisterous, family restaurant. Again, it was the kind of place in which Lindsey, even as a child, never dined.
Watching Noah with his family, was enlightening and basically, wonderful. She loved watching the constant ribbing and jokes between the brothers. They were all funny with Penny; tolerant and teasing, but it was obvious they’d join forces and gang up on anything and everything that dared bother their sister. Penny’s husband fit right into the flock. The conversation bounced around, discussing jobs, as well as Penny’s kids and Pete’s two kids. They discussed Jasper’s college and easily included Lindsey by asking her numerous innocuous questions about herself. She never was treated like that. They were irreverent, yet appropriate. And weirder still, they all seemed to like each other. She wasn’t sure she’d ever been in such a large group of people, much less a family that actually liked each other. They didn’t seem to want anything more from each other than a shared meal in order to catch up on the daily activities of their lives.
And Noah fit right in. Adored by his mother and sister, he was tolerated with affection by his older brother, and admired with adoration by his youngest. Jasper obviously respected Noah’s input on anything he said. The kids scrambled in and out. Food was plentiful and people grabbed breadsticks as they wanted, while the pop and beer were refilled liberally. It was unlike any meal Lindsey had ever experienced. She was smiling. She even forgot her usual hang-ups to eat carefully. She stuffed herself until she was too uncomfortable to move. She finally joined in the conversations more easily
and became animated. There was no reason not to. They were interested in what the East Coast was like, as well as what Jessie was doing. They also asked how Lindsey liked the area. There was every reason to enjoy these seemingly carefree people.
She caught Noah watching her a few times. She held his gaze, and he slowly smiled before she had to look away, completely confused why she kept looking at him.
She laughed so hard, her stomach finally cramped. She never laughed that hard before, or in public.
They ate until the food was no more than crumbles. The Clark men didn’t leave even a single bite left. They ate astonishing amounts, and finished what the women and kids couldn’t.
Finally, they collectively got up, grumbling in pain as they shuffled out to the parking lot, where the entire family bid Lindsey goodbye with hugs and handshakes. She was not used to being touched, and having Penny and Elenore hug her was rather unnerving. The brothers shook her hand and everyone told her to come again and join them anytime. She stared after them as they all dispersed into their respective cars.
“Ready to go?”
She turned at Noah’s quiet voice behind her. His tone was always so deep and calm. It felt like a slow, smooth shot of alcohol that warmed up her insides and spilled into her extremities. His voice even made her skin tingle. She came there with Penny and Noah. Obviously, Noah would have to take her home as Penny was with her own family.
“Yes.” She got into his truck. The shadows played over his face and she glanced away, aware of the deep tug she felt in her stomach. A tug of attraction. The thought startled her. She shifted around, uncomfortable at even the thought.
“Your family is really wonderful.”
“Yeah, I like them. I wasn’t sure you’d appreciate them. They are kind of loud.”
“No, not loud. They are fun and boisterous.” They are loving and kind, and act like real human beings who have feelings and emotions. Something she rarely experienced with other people.
“Sorry they assumed you were my date. I don’t often bring anyone with me to meet them, unless it’s serious. And that’s only been a couple of times.”
“Anyone I know?”
He threw her a quick, surprised glance. “No. One was in college, but she left after graduation; and the other was someone I met while in vet school at WSU. We dated for a while, and she even moved here for a year. But it just wasn’t right. She moved back to Pullman after we broke up.”
“I’ve never had a family like yours. You can’t imagine how lucky you are. My family, well, you know the extent of joy we shared.”
“I know about your father. What about your mother? Jessie never really said. Other than that she died when Jessie was ten.”
Lindsey turned her head to stare out at the dark skyline. Only a few lights broke the cover of endless stars and night. “She probably doesn’t remember much. I do. I was fourteen when she died. I think for Jessie, the general was her entire story. There was so much pain inflicted from him, that she had little left over to grieve our mother.”
“How did she die?”
“She took a small commuter plane to visit my father when he had a speech in another state. It crashed. She died along with the pilot. There was a malfunction. A bum part. Go figure. My father was the soldier, yet my mother died in a strange plane crash.”
“Strange? You think maybe it wasn’t an accident?”
She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead into the cool window. “I don’t know. I used to never doubt it, but saw it as a terrible, awful, unfair accident. But then… what about the affair? Who was Jessie’s father? For how long did the general know? I can’t imagine him taking that revelation very easily. You saw what he did to Jessie. What would he do to a woman who cheated on him? Or humiliated him? Or betrayed him in the worst way ever? He’d prefer she died rather than insult him like that. I have wondered over the years, did he do that to her? He hired gang members from a drug cartel to kidnap Jessie, so what wouldn’t he do? If he could do that to a young girl he raised from birth, what could he do to a woman who cheated on him?”
“Your father is the source of everything negative for you and Jessie, isn’t he?”
Lindsey nodded her head against the window. She doubted Noah could see her. “Yes. He is. He had me so terrified he’d turn on me one day and treat me as he did Jessie that I became his perfect, always performing, and properly acting daughter.” It was good training for the impeccable and obedient wife role she now perfected. She bit her tongue to keep from saying it out loud.
“What was your mother like?”
“She was beautiful. You know, that was a must for the general. He had to have perfection. She was a cross between Jessie and me. She was tall, like me, but built like Jessie. She had blond hair like I do, but Jessie’s brown eyes. She was truly a rare, and exquisite beauty. She was also soft spoken. I’m sure that’s what first drew my father to her. She easily let him be the center of any and all conversations or situations. She looked to him for all her guidance in life. She loved to throw parties and entertain. She loved Jessie. I think that was partly why my father went off the deep end after she died with Jessie. He knew my mother loved her most of all, so he wanted to destroy her because of that reason. Jessie was his constant reminder that his wife dared to cheat on him. I wonder who it was? Whom did my mother sleep with?”
“Jessie doesn’t want to know.”
Noah, of course, would know that. “No. Her sanity lies in letting the past stay dead. She wants no more of it.”
“But you? Do you need the closure?”
She snorted. Closure? As if there were any answers to the bombs that detonated her life to pieces when she was in her twenties. There was no closure. There was only living with it.
“You said she favored Jessie. Did you feel she loved you?”
“Yes. I know she did. But I always sensed I was a disappointment, which, at age fourteen, seemed crazy to me. I was a straight A student. I joined every program I could. I was a star flute player in the school band. I was perfect. It wasn’t until years later, and only recently, that I understood what my mother was so disappointed about. She thought I was becoming the general. I was his perfect and obedient lap dog. That broke her heart. That’s why Jessie was her favorite. I think my mom tried to break free of his control over her, and so did Jessie. Not me. I embraced it. I longed for it. I performed to try and get more of it.” Just as I do with Elliot now.
“Everyone responds differently to things. There was no shame in trying to keep him from being disappointed in you. It seems a natural way to lesson what sounds like his extreme need for perfection and control.”
She clenched her fist and dug her fingernails into her palm. A natural way that she never abandoned. “Thank you for saying so.”
He cleared his throat and she glanced over, as he seemed like he had more to say. He flicked the heater on. “It kind of seems like you still do that, trying to be perfect all the time.”
Trying being the operative word, because half the time, she did not succeed. “Yes. I do.”
“It just seems like maybe you don’t have to now. There’s no one to impress. You can just be you. You’ve got a great personality, you know.”
His words filled her with joy. Her bruised, sometimes broken heart felt somehow repaired by his kind words. If only that could last. But it couldn’t.
“I sometimes think about investigating my mother’s death. Then… the will to do so overwhelms me. What good would it do now? My father is long dead. My mother is long dead. My family’s name is already tarnished and ruined. Why risk more damage to it? And besides, the anguish and grief it would cause Jessie, just can’t be worth uncovering the truth. It’s a truth that really doesn’t help anyone who is still alive.”
“Except, it’s a truth; maybe you need to know.”
Lindsey closed her eyes. “Sometimes, I can barely force myself to open my eyes in the morning. I think about all that I was so wrong about. All the lies I missed and
covered up. My entire life was a lie. And I wonder, what next? What next will be uncovered as a lie?”
Noah nodded and the shadows crossed over his face as cars sped past. She focused her gaze onto the headlights separating the dark in front of them. “You’re not a lie though, Lindsey. Remember that. You believed what your father said, because all children believe their parents. You did as you were taught. Again, very common. Most people become like their parents, whether or not their parents are good role models. But it certainly isn’t your fault if they weren’t. Nor should you blame yourself for coping with his extreme personality in a way that inflicted the least damage to you. You were just a kid. It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t your duty to protect Jessie.”
“It was. It was my duty. And I failed her.” As I fail myself nearly daily with Elliot. How had she gotten into such a private discussion with Noah? It was inappropriate. It wasn’t okay to talk this way. And yet… his words were like Band-Aids on bleeding cuts. It might not stop the bleeding completely, but it certainly helped.
His truck lights picked up the clinic and he stopped near her car. She was parked near the back, away from customers. It was dark at the back of the building without even a streetlight to guide them.
The sudden silence after he shut his truck off was startling. “I need to grab some paperwork from inside,” Noah blurted out unexpectedly.
“Right,” she said as she opened the door, reluctant to get out. She wanted to stay around Noah. The thought had her nearly missing her step. She liked his company. His kind words. His soothing, deep voice. His large, capable, gentle hands. His calm, even temper. His funny jokes. His sarcasm. His family. His face.
The Good Sister (Sister Series, #2) Page 14
