by Amy Marie
“He must have been huge, Erin. You’re walking funny,” she calls out, louder this time.
A small chuckle escapes from behind the desk and my mouth drops open. Leave it to Noelle to completely humiliate me. As if that wasn’t mortifying enough she rubs my head like a dog and says, “Awe, my little Er-Bear is growing up. Your first one night stand. After years of dating a douche you finally get your vagina some real action.”
Walking out into the warm June air after I lovingly push her out of the hotel we jump into her waiting SUV and drive away from the most awkward morning ever.
“What exactly is a slut bag?” I ask Noelle while slipping my seatbelt on.
Looking over from the driver’s side she glares at me as though I should know. “A bag full of slut, which is what you are, although I strongly support it. So, how was it? That man looked like he could rock your world multiple times.”
Staring at her in disbelief I plead the fifth. As close as we are I’ve never been the kind of woman to talk about sex, even with her. Besides my mother teaching me to wait until I was in love, she also taught me to keep my private life, well, private. There was no way I was going to tell her about last night, though I wanted to scream from the rooftops how amazing it was. He showed me how a real man can make me feel and what he can do.
Robert rarely, if ever, went down on me. Walker’s tongue had been like lightening, crashing into me and shooting electricity through my body, awakening feelings in me that I never knew existed. He had almost come apart in my mouth too, which surprised me since every time I tried to give Robert oral he would chastise me, saying I was doing it all wrong. I loved the feeling of wielding that much power over a man, and Walker had appeared content to let me be in charge. I’m starting to think that maybe I was never in love with Robert. He was safe, comfortable, and trustworthy, or so I had thought. Walker seemed dangerous, and mysterious, but I still felt more of a connection with him than I ever had with Robert. I just don’t know if I could ever let down my guard enough to give all of myself to a man again.
“You’re not going to give me anything Erin?” Noelle's voice brings me out of my thoughts. I shake my head side to side as she blows out a puff of air. “Ok then. Well you can be enlightened by hearing about my fuck fest with Zack last night. Let me tell you, if I thought you were walking funny you should be surprised I can stand. That man’s dick was...”
“STOP! Oh my God stop!” I interrupt her, placing my hand over her mouth as my ringtone fills the car. Saved by my big sister.
“Hey Nic,” I say rolling my eyes at Noelle as I pick up.
“Erin! You need to call mom. She is freaking out saying you haven’t returned her phone calls in two weeks. What’s going on?” She yells over my nieces and nephews shrieking in the background.
Leave it to my mom to send Nicole after me. Avoiding Eden Decker has been quite a task. I’m not ready to tell her that I won’t be walking down the aisle anytime soon or immediately popping out grandkids. How do you explain to your mother that the man you gave your heart to for the past five years, the one that she had treated like her own son since his parents passed, the one who sent her flowers on Mother’s Day and her Birthday every year, put her daughters heart into a shredder?
“I’ll call her tomorrow. I just can’t today, alright?” I close my eyes thinking how hard that conversation will be.
“Not alright. What the hell is wrong with you? You know how it’s been since dad died. She needs to hear from us and know that we are doing ok. Now, tell me. Why haven’t you called her, or me, for that matter? We usually talk almost every day,” her motherly tone is evident through the phone.
Blowing out a deep breath I prepare to tell her about the epic failure of my relationship.
“Robert and I broke up, ok? I caught him in the middle of having sex with his secretary the day school got out. He told me I was a lame lay and that he wasn’t ready for marriage,” my voice cracks at the last word as I finally realize how angry I am.
Noelle puts her free arm around me as my body shakes with frustrated sobs. I don’t speak anymore when Nicole tries to comfort me. After a few more minutes of our one sided conversation we pull into our driveway and I finally promise to call her and my mom back later.
“I’m fine, Noe. I promise. The whole situation just sucks.”
“It will be ok, Erin. I promise. I really and truly believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe you can’t see it right now, but there is a reason. You are meant for love that is extraordinary and you will have it. You deserve to have that and I know something big is coming your way. I can just feel it.”
As per the rules of operation Big Girl Panties, or BGP as Noelle likes to call it, I had started taking care of myself not only mentally, but physically. Mentally, I needed to clear the air and do the one thing that I should have done in the first place: talk with my mom about what occurred between Robert and me. It went a lot better than I could’ve expected. I’m sure talking about my sex life made her uncomfortable but she never seemed as though it was too much to hear. She listened to all the details and apologized for always pushing my relationship with him to go to the next level. She even said she hoped that my lack of communication after the incident wasn’t because of her insistence on us getting married. Out of the three women I confided in, she was the one who gave me the clarity I had desperately needed. I should have gone to her first.
“Lots of people come into your life, Erin," she had said. "Some for good, some for bad but all for one purpose; to send you in the direction you are supposed to go. Robert was there for his purpose and though his exit from your life wasn’t ideal, his presence was necessary. Soon you will figure out why.”
That was something I wasn’t too concerned with just yet.
I have the mental part under control now, but physically, Noelle is ruling that transformation. For three weeks now she has been dragging me to the gym every other day. I’m not over weight by any means but I am not toned either. Every class has made me feel stronger and the more I go, the more I realize that getting fit is part of my healing process. There is something about working out that sets your mind straight and makes you happy, and I was starting to smile more and more.
“My vagina hurts,” I whisper over to her in the middle of spin class. “It feels like it’s taken a good pounding!”
“Your vagina needs a good pounding. Since big man Walker, you haven’t given it the attention it needs, unless you’ve been taking a spin with the vibrator,” she yells just as the music is changing to a new song.
Every set of eyes zero in on me as my face turns a brilliant shade of red. Noelle giggles and the next song comes on cueing them to pay attention to the instructor again.
“Thanks Noelle.”
“Thank me after your newly toned body is donning that sexy black bikini in Mexico next week.” She wiggles her eyebrows up and down making me flush again. I don’t think my body is built for a bikini but I bought one just for the trip. Operation BGP obviously needed a new bathing suit, or so I was told.
The temperature has steadily risen in the few weeks since the night I went out to the bar with Noelle and I was ready for a trip to crystal clear blue waters. Winters around Chicago can be brutal but the summers are just as bad with temperatures above a hundred. We have beaches around Lake Michigan and they are great for tanning, but when that sun is beating down on you and your only option is to jump in the murky water, you look for another source of relief, or swim at your own risk.
My relief was coming in 8 days. Beautiful scenery, relaxation, a pool, sandy beaches and an umbrella drink were within my reach. I can almost taste that strawberry margarita right now. This trip is going to be something I will never forget.
~~
The hot Mexican sun beats down on us as we arrive at the Occidental Grand Cozumel. When we step out of the taxi we are greeted with brilliant yellows, blues and greens in the open air lobby. After checking in, we head to our room and slip into our ba
thing suits and flip-flops.
Agreeing we need a drink first we head to the poolside bar. We pass couples, families and hotel workers on the long wooden bridge, with beautiful landscaping, leading to our destination. Drinks in hand we find a cabana on the white sand next to the crystal clear ocean.
“This is amazing Erin. I’m so glad you came,” Noelle says lifting her piña colada to my strawberry margarita.
“Thanks for forcing me to go. I really needed this.” I clink my glass to hers and take a sip looking out to the endless miles of water. I can’t believe I was originally planning to miss out on all this.
Hours later, after we dined at one of the many restaurants they have to offer, we are dressed up in our sexiest outfits ready to check out the onsite dance club...or as they call it, the Disco.
It’s small and holds just one bar but the music is lively. Since I’ve had a few drinks I am ready to dance and have a good time. Noelle and I start towards the dance floor, fresh drinks in hand, pushing our way past the many couples. Staying at an all-inclusive resort means lots of newlyweds and not a lot of single men, but we don’t care. We just want to enjoy the time away from our stresses.
They play a lot of songs that I hear back home and when Usher’s Yeah comes on I find my rhythm and close my eyes, enjoying the beat. Large hands grasp my hips and I have a flash back of Walker. Thinking back to our encounter on the dance floor, I am turned on and hoping to find his emerald eyes staring back at me when I open mine. I’m instantly disappointed. To say he is older would be an understatement. With white hair, blue eyes and large framed glasses he is probably 65 or 70. A denture smile breaks out across his face and I try my hardest not to laugh. Not wanting to be rude I oblige him with a dance, but once the song is over I excuse myself to the bathroom and take off towards the bar, desperate for another drink.
A hysterically laughing Noelle beats me there, ordering for both of us. “Did you have fun, Er?”
“Stop it. He was sweet, and think of it this way: he can go tell all his friends at the senior home that he danced with a hot piece of ass!” I giggle but bend at the waist as a sharp pain invades my stomach. “Noe, I think we should go. I don’t feel so good.”
“Oh, come on Erin. He won’t bother you again. You don’t have to make an excuse to leave.”
Another sharp pain hits me and I take off towards the door and practically run to our room with Noelle right behind me. I make it to the bathroom just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
“Jesus Christ, Erin! Are you ok?” Noelle asks with concern in her voice.
“I’m gonna die!” I say between dry heaves. “I shouldn’t have eaten that shrimp. I knew it looked sketchy.”
It’s only been 12 hours on our trip and my body decides to reject the first and only solid thing I have eaten. My stomach tightens and with only the lining it left to puke up I start crying.
“Oh, baby. It’s ok. It’ll be over soon," Noelle soothes. "It’s probably just food poisoning. Let me help you into the shower.” She tries to comfort me by rubbing my back and pulling my hair to the side.
I allow her to help me up and strip me down the moment I feel the nausea has passed and she throws me into a hot shower as she sits on the edge of the sink. The steam helps me to breathe right again and I drop my head so that the water cascades down my back. It feels heavenly on my body after I just went through thirty minutes of hell.
“You ok in there?” She asks and I grunt a yes. “Good. I know you hate throwing up. Just imagine when you finally meet prince charming and get pregnant. My cousin had morning sickness throughout her entire pregnancy. She couldn’t eat a damn thing.”
As her words seep into my foggy brain, I snap my head up trying to do the math. Come on Erin, you’re a math teacher for Christ’s sake. Hastily I jump out of the shower to go locate my phone inside my purse. What feels like arctic temperatures meet my heated body on the other side of the bathroom door.
“What the hell are you doing?” Noelle’s shocked voice yells at my bare form racing past her.
My mind is whirling at the thought that I messed up. It can’t be. It’s just not possible. Putting in my security code and tapping on the app, one look at my phone’s calendar tells me it is. Drops of water drip from my hair and fall onto my phone as reality comes crashing down. They begin to mingle with my tears as I look at Noelle's confused expression.
“You need to sit down, Erin. You just threw up all of that retched food and ran out of the shower like the room was on fire.” She retreats back into the bathroom.
“Oh my God,” I say, barely audible.
“What Erin? What’s ‘Oh my God’?” Bringing a towel in from the bathroom she makes her way back to me sounding annoyed.
“Oh my God!” I say, much louder this time. Dropping the phone onto the floor I can’t take my eyes off of Noelle. “I’m two weeks late, Noe. TWO WEEKS!”
Her face falls when she finally realizes what I am saying.
“What? No. Erin, NO! That cheating, lying, ignorant asshole knocked you up?” She rushes to me with the towel, wrapping it around my body and hugging me as I crumble to the floor.
Thoughts race through my mind quicker than I can process them. Remembering back to the day after school was out; I come to the stark realization that it can't be Robert's baby. “No, not him. Walker, the guy from the club. It’s Walker’s.”
Although physically I was present for the rest of our vacation, my mind was in a different place. The first few days after I found out I was late were filled with trips to the store buying test after test, but I'd spent the last few watching Noelle drink enough for the two of us as I sat by the pool trying to figure out what to do next.
Searching my memory of that night I try to recollect if he used protection or not. Of course, it won’t do me any good. What’s done is done and a life has been created. Daydreaming about the way his hands felt on my body isn’t helping me see clearly either. The way he instantly transformed me into an outgoing lover, encouraging me to take control. How my body felt on top of him. I lick my lips and squirm in my chair just thinking about how he felt moving underneath me.... moving inside me. I find myself wishing, for more reason than one, that I could see him again.
The entire plane ride back to Illinois I am silent. Home will bring a reality that I don’t think I am prepared to face. Noelle knows I need to get it together before we touch down. I am having a hard time believing that I left the state single and carefree and now I am coming back pregnant, with a man’s child whose last name I don’t even know, and the dreaded task of telling my family. Though I’m thankful the baby isn’t Robert’s, it would be easier to deal with than admitting to everyone I had a one night stand with someone I can’t seem to contact. It’s not for lack of trying. My numerous calls from Mexico to the hotel he was staying at were met with dead ends in light of the fact that they refused to give out guest information. The bar manager tried to help, even though he warned it was illegal to give out personal info of customers, but he still found no credit card receipts with the first name Walker. I just needed his last name and maybe I could track him down. Noelle and I even went as far as using the business center’s computer to scour Facebook for hours in search of any guy named Walker that was residing in Illinois, if that is even where he is from.
Dropping my bag at the front door, and earning a huff from Noelle, I race to the bathroom to take the test I forced her to stop at the drug store for. I know it won’t change the result, and that thinking maybe an international pregnancy test could be wrong is dense, but for my sanity, I have to do it anyway. Three tense minutes later my heart sinks again as two lines pop up and I’m left slumped down on the floor with thoughts of single parenthood racing through my mind. When my cell rings I crawl over to the vanity, reaching up not caring to see who it is.
Before I can finish saying hello my mother’s cheerful tone fills my ears. “Erin! You’re home! I’m so happy to hear your voice. How was your
trip? Was it fun? You’ll have to tell me all about it when you come over tonight. Even Trent and Jason are coming over.”
Crap! Dragging my hands down my face I realize I forgot about going over there for dinner tonight. With my family’s busy lives, it’s hard to get us all nailed down to one gathering. Knowing there isn’t a chance in hell I can cancel on her, I reassure her I would see them all tonight and share all the beautiful details of the trip along with pictures. It’s going to be tough to keep the baby a secret until I see a doctor. As if the 10 pregnancy tests weren’t verification enough the doctor’s tests should do it.
Hoping to cleanse away the awful mood I am in so I don’t alarm anyone, I take a warm bath closing my eyes and letting my body relax. Washing with pear scented body scrub, I stop when my hands come to rest on my stomach, tears break through the barrier of my lids. To my surprise I speak to my little one for the first time. “We’ll be ok. We’ll make it through. I promise.” And I know we will.
~~
My mom lives in Buffalo Grove, a city in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, in the same house I was brought home to when I was born. The 3 bedroom ranch house sits in a quiet middle class neighborhood. The beautiful park diagonally across the street brings back memories of countless carefree childhood days, long lost and of running around the lake in high school. The driveway is full with my sibling’s cars, forcing me to park on the street and walk up the sidewalk. Over the past year every time I walk up the three steps leading to the door I am saddened that my father isn’t behind the glass with his mega watt smile and welcoming kiss to the cheek. Instead I’m cheerfully greeted by my 6 foot 2 brother and his mini me.
“Erin, nice of you to finally join us,” Trent says wrapping me in a hug. One year old Jason takes the opportunity to latch onto my hair and pull himself into my arms.
“Hey Trent! And how is my handsome fella?” I ask when Jason grabs me around my neck making a face at the taste of my hair.
