by Nell Gavin
“A pretty bitch can get anything she wants.” Michael says. More softly he asks, “Did you know that?”
“Then I want a million bucks,” I shoot back.
He sighs dramatically. “If I had it, it would be yours, my dear lady.” He bows at the waist with a flourish, then reaches for my hand, which he smoothly, gently presses to his lips. “That, and much more. I kid you not.”
“Actually, that’s okay. I think I’d probably rather have a driver’s license anyway.”
He stops short, exasperated and incredulous.
“What? You can’t even drive, for chrissake?” He’s not sure he’s ready for a 17-year old. He thought he was years past this sort of inconvenience. His car needs $400 worth of work and I live 20 miles away from him. He’d expected me to provide transportation. He will not pick me up and transport me on the bus. He does not take public transportation under any circumstances. What a pain this all is.
“We don’t have a car,” I answer.
God help him. The hair has to go. He needs a job.
She hasn’t said yes, he reminds himself.
His parents have a car: a ’64 Chevy station wagon. It’s completely uncool. It will have to do until he can hustle the money to fix his own, or get a paycheck. He has weighed being “cool” against not seeing me at all or insulting me with public transportation, and has opted for the Chevy. Earlier in the evening, he would have guessed that it was more important to be “cool”. But things change.
“I’ll just have to teach you,” he says.
“Where have I heard that before?” I ask. “You wouldn’t have the nerve. You’d never survive it.” I roll my eyes.
Suddenly, impulsively, he kisses me while my eyes are rolling, bobbing his head toward me sharply as if he thinks I might dart away. I might very well have done that, had he not taken me so thoroughly by surprise. I feel myself starting to sink into him with a sense of almost joyous relief, while the irrational, frightened part of me screams “No!”
۞
And so it goes, I am thinking from this over-level. There we are again, but how can I allow it? I have so much anger, still, and I cannot be certain I am able to set it aside. I can make things worse than they are, not better, and pull both of us down with my fury and resentment. Then, there is his temper. Has it improved? Or will he turn on me again?
This is unwise. It is too soon.
Furthermore, there is the trauma. I am correct in suspecting that there is something wrong with me. My trust was broken, and my fear is too strong to be reasoned away. It needs to be loved away, but I do not ever allow anyone near enough to do that. I cannot. I cannot risk further harm.
Can I handle his problems? Can he handle mine? I do not think so. I do not know if either of us has anything to spare the other.
I have fulfilled my obligation to him. I have appeared, and we have met. I owe him nothing more than the decision that I am ready to return to him—or I am not. I am now free to leave and to never see him again in this life.
In this moment, my final moment of unburdened choice, I should have the power to edge away from him, and to walk out without a backward glance. I just need to back away and walk out. Now! I say to myself: Run! It is what I had planned to do. It is, in fact, what I had already done before he hunted me down and cornered me.
But I stay.
۞
As terrified as I am, I don’t pull away. I don’t leave. I let him kiss me, and when he asks me for my phone number, nuzzling my ear, I find a pen on the kitchen counter, and a paper napkin, and I obediently write it down.
The internal alarm is going off again. It’s telling me to run away, but it won’t say why I should. I suspect I know the reason. I know instinctively that this one will want to stay. I don’t allow any of them to stay—I can’t. Maintaining a relationship with a man is the one thing I cannot do well, or perhaps, cannot do at all. Even at 17, I already suspect this. I’m more afraid of boys—of men—than other girls my age, and I don’t know why that is, or what I can do to fix it.
Perversely, I hand him my phone number anyway with rising anxiety, a fluttering stomach, and a sense of resignation. I know with absolute certainty that he will call and that I have initiated something that will not be completed for years, if ever. I have somehow signed on for a tour of duty in the simple act of handing this man a paper napkin.
Or, perhaps I’ve sold myself to the devil. Was that napkin a contract? Is this man the devil? I’ve read too many books, I think. I have too vivid an imagination, I know, because I look into his eyes again, and have a sudden flash of peculiar imagery that, like the devil himself, this stranger came tonight to claim my soul.
APPENDIX
Anne Boleyn’s Final Speech
East Smithfield (Tower) Green
May 19, 1536
“Good Christian people, I am come hither to die, according to law, and therefore I will speak nothing against it. I come here only to die, and thus to yield myself humbly to the will of the King, my lord. And if, in life, I did ever offend the King’s Grace, surely with my death, I do now atone. I come hither to accuse no man, nor to speak anything of that whereof I am accused, as I know full well that aught I say in my defense doth not appertain to you. I pray and beseech you all, good friends, to pray for the life of the King, my sovereign lord and yours, who is one of the best princes on the face of the earth, who has always treated me so well that better could not be, wherefore I submit to death with good will, humbly asking pardon of the world. If any person will meddle with my cause, I require them to judge the best. Thus, I take my leave of the world, and of you, and I heartily desire you all to pray for me.”
INFORMATION SOURCES/
HISTORICAL DISCREPANCIES
Anne’s Early Years
Little is known of Anne's earlier years, and since most of her life was either undocumented, or documented in a hostile manner by her enemies (it was ill-advised - perhaps even treasonous - to speak well of her after her death), it is difficult to know what truly happened in a number of instances. Scholars disagree on nearly every point!
While writing the novel, "Threads", I specifically looked for information about Anne Boleyn and her contemporaries that would shed some light on the "people" rather than the "historical characters". While this doesn't reveal the motivation behind events that are disputed, it helps to bend conclusions in one direction or another.
Biographies and references sometimes make dry work of Anne, but there were some clues...
Geoffrey Bullen was the first member of the Bullen family to make a name for himself in English society. He had been apprenticed as a mercer in his youth, then succeeded in establishing an excellent social position. In 1459, he became Lord Mayor of London, was knighted, made a fortune, and bought both Blickling Hall in Norfolk, and Hever Castle in Kent. He passed the castles on to his grandsons. His grandson Thomas was Anne Boleyn's father.
It is not known which one of the castles was Anne Boleyn's birthplace. Her parents lived at Blickling Hall until 1504, then moved to Hever Castle. She could have been born in either place, depending upon the year of her birth, which has always been under contention.
It was Geoffrey's humble beginnings that made Anne Boleyn's social position less than stellar. Her mother Lady Elizabeth Howard's line was above reproach, but her merchant great-grandfather was the excuse Cardinal Wolsey used when he stopped her from marrying Lord Henry Percy, for whom she was not considered "suitable".
Anne's bedroom at Hever Castle, her childhood home, has a fireplace, a stone staircase in one corner, and her headboard propped against a wall (the entire bed would have taken up too much room to allow tourists to enter). The first words out of the lips of everyone entering the room are, "But it's so small!"
There is no proof of the order in which the Boleyn (or "Bullen") siblings were born. Various references each prefer a different birth order, and no two agree. The most supportable and convincing evidence, noted in "Anne Boleyn" by E. W. Ives, fa
vored a birth order of Mary, then Anne, then George. (There were two additional Boleyn infants who died.)
This book also favors a birth year of 1501 (versus 1507), a date that is further supported by an example of Anne Boleyn’s handwriting in 1514 (shown in "The Rise and Fall of Anne Boleyn" by Retha M. Warnicke). The handwriting sample is unmistakably that of a young adult because it has small, tightly controlled and evenly formed letters. A child of seven, no matter how intelligent, would only have the mechanical ability to write in a large, uneven scrawl.
Please visit http://www.nellgavin.com/boleyn_links/boleynhandwriting.htm for a comparison of Anne's handwriting in 1514 to that of a seven year old child. Also see http://www.nellgavin.com/boleyn_links/boleynbirthyear.htm for information and speculation about her year of birth.
Sixteenth century Jesuit historian, Nicholas Sanders, wrote that Anne Boleyn was raped by one of her father’s officials at Hever when she was seven. Only Alison Weir even mentions this in passing, but she then dismisses the rumor as untrue and states that Sanders was responsible for "some of the wilder inaccuracies that gained currency about Anne Boleyn," including that one. What is interesting to me is that the rumor was specific as to her age, the location, and the identity of the perpetrator, which makes me question if it may actually have been based on fact. If so, her presence in England at age seven would conclusively eliminate 1507 as a possible birth year because she wrote the above-mentioned letter from the Netherlands in 1514, where she had been since 1513. Even without proof that the rape actually took place, the details of the rumor indicate that the historian presumed or knew that Anne was born earlier than 1507.
There has never been any hard evidence, even in the midst of rampant speculation and very close scrutiny, that Anne was ever intimate with anyone but her husband. Considering the times, premarital chastity was highly improbable. What is known about Anne is that she a) was not a virgin when she married (only Karen Lindsey suggested she was), b) conceived immediately after commencing relations with Henry, perhaps even with their first encounter and, c) was regularly pregnant thereafter. Her obvious fertility would not have allowed for much illicit premarital sex leaving the child molestation theory still open to explain her lost virginity, particularly for a work of fiction. The two men she was most likely to have been with, Lord Henry Percy and Sir Thomas Wyatt, both survived the accusations and the interrogation prior to her execution for adultery. Whether this is because they were innocent or useful to the Crown is unknown.
Folklore has always given Anne six fingers. There isn’t much evidence to support this legend, or to suggest that she really had a huge "wen" on her neck. All her biographies concluded that she probably did not have either one but there is no solid proof either way. George Wyatt, grandson of Thomas Wyatt and one of Anne's very few friendly biographers, stated she had a "double nail" on one of her fingers, and suggested that she had a large Adam's apple "like a man's". Even with these imperfections - and despite the fact that she was not beautiful in the conventional sense - she was considered one of the most attractive women at court.
Anne spent about two years in the Netherlands (the "low countries") as a member of the court of Margaret of Austria, who had developed a friendship with Anne's father, Thomas Boleyn, while he was serving as a diplomat. The finest musicians of the day were centered there, and it is thought that Anne's musical training began here - or at least, her enthusiasm for music did.
Anne was said to have been an impressive musician and songwriter, and some sources suggested her melodies may have borrowed characteristics from Spanish music (Henry VIII's first wife, Katherine of Aragon, was Spanish, and her court probably lent that influence). Anne played several instruments, including the lute, harp and virginals. She probably also played the recorder, which was very popular during her lifetime. She was renowned for her singing voice as well.
To the best of anyone's knowledge, none of Anne’s songs survive, except for one, "O Death, Rock Me Asleepe", with music written by her chaplain after her death. However, the source of both the lyrics and the music is in question. It is only known that the poem was found in the Tower immediately after Anne’s death, and that it was later put to music. A CD containing that song can be purchased at www.leonarda.com.
After leaving the Netherlands, Anne moved to France where she lived as a member of the French court for several years before returning to England in 1522 when, according to a biography of Henry VIII written by Lord Herbert of Cherbury, she was 20 years old.
Her Romances
Sir Thomas Wyatt, who wrote about his love for Anne Boleyn in several poems, is credited with making the sonnet popular in England. He was imprisoned under suspicion of having committed adultery with Anne, witnessed her execution from his prison cell window, and wrote a poem "The Death of Anne Boleyn" about that as well. His family's bribes later freed him.
Anne Boleyn fell in love with, and was secretly betrothed to Lord Henry Percy, whose bloodline was superior to hers. The love affair ended when they were forbidden to marry because of Anne's "inferior" lineage (her mother's line was impressive, but her father's family was in trade). Henry VIII did not allow them to say goodbye, in fact, Alison Weir mentions that Anne’s parents locked her in her room to prevent her from trying to contact Percy, as she was frantic to do.
Percy did send a note to Anne begging her to never love anyone else, and history suggests she gamely made the effort, as Henry soon found out. How soon is another matter open to conjecture. Some references suggest that he did not openly pursue Anne for as long as one to four years after her betrothal to Percy was broken.
Others mention that they had had a courtly flirtation for years, and that it may have grown serious from Henry’s perspective even as he kept Anne’s sister Mary as his mistress years before he openly pursued Anne. However, exact dates are unknown.
Either way, Henry VIII found Anne Boleyn initially unresponsive to his advances - she was the first woman ever to tell the king "no" - and he pursued her insistently for years before finally winning her.
It was precisely this independent, outspoken, willful spirit that both attracted him in the beginning, and was an affront to him after they married.
According to Karen Lindsey, only one person suggested that the betrothal of Percy and Anne Boleyn was broken at Henry’s command rather than Cardinal Wolsey’s (he was the one who officially opposed their marriage). However, that one person was George Cavendish, a close and trusted servant of Wolsey, and a reliable source. Lindsey states it would have been in keeping with Henry’s personality to take measures to shift the blame to Wolsey in order to deflect Anne’s resulting anger.
After his betrothal to Anne was broken, Lord Percy was immediately forced to marry a woman who had been betrothed to him in childhood. The marriage was a disaster. Percy left no children, suffered from stomach problems, and died only months after Anne's execution.
Her Philosophy and Personality
Anne was notoriously supportive of religious upstarts, read - and defended - censored writings, and was considered to be the "patron saint" of Protestants, who were being persecuted at the time. Henry VIII broke with Rome and formed the Church of England in order to legitimize their marriage when the Pope would not grant him an annulment from Katherine of Aragon. Ironically, Anne still apparently worshipped as a Catholic until her death.
She convinced Henry that the Bible should be translated into English and made available to common people instead of just the clergy.
According to Alison Weir, no religious heretics were burned at the stake during the period of time that Anne was queen. However, Henry VIII had heretics burnt both before and after her tenure. We can only speculate on how many lives Anne saved.
Anne distributed a fortune in charity among the English people. George Wyatt (grandson of Thomas Wyatt) estimated that she distributed more than £1500 per year to the poor alone. I don't have figures for living wages during the reign of Henry VIII. However, by the reign of Elizabeth I,
a family's acceptable wage was two pounds ten shillings per year. Acceptable wages were less than this during Anne's lifetime because, from Anne's reign to the Elizabethan period, food prices rose by 120%. £1500 per year went quite far in 1532 to 1536.
So based on this, we can estimate that thousands and thousands of people received assistance of some sort from Anne throughout her reign. She also sewed clothing with her own hands for distribution to the poor, and was known on at least one occasion to have personally tended to the ill on her travels. Few of her biographies mention her charitable acts at any length, and these were also not much publicized during her own lifetime.
Anne was considered by most of her contemporaries to be extremely intelligent, witty and charming. In addition, it appears that she had a rather droll, sometimes twisted, dark sense of humor. A sense of humor like that can be easily misinterpreted, and in Anne’s case, probably was. An example of this might be Anne's reaction to the protests against King Henry's choosing her as his queen. For a short time she took as her motto, and had emblazoned on her livery, a Latin phrase, "Ainsi sera, groigne qui groigne," which translated into "Grumble all you like, this is how it’s going to be." A few weeks later, the phrase was removed. Most biographies interpreted that act as "defiant" and "arrogant". However, my interpretation and reaction to it was completely different. Each time I saw it mentioned, I laughed out loud. I viewed it as an irreverent and cheeky means of using humor to express exasperation and to make a very valid point about all the talk and complaints. After she made that point by use of her servants, who were essentially all walking sandwich boards advertising her opinion on their livery coats - and without having harmed anyone - she removed the motto. Based on other information about her, that kind of humor would seem to be in keeping with her personality.
