by Elen Chase
"That was the day I realized for the first time I was probably in love with my sister. I felt awful too, if it can console you. I never realized you had feelings for me, though."
"I crushed so hard on you. I knew that what I felt for An was mutual, but you… you just kept breaking my heart, over and over, until I accepted the truth that you would never consider me. Maybe I would have really married An in the end."
"Well, I consider you now."
"And I still have no idea how this is possible."
"It wasn't physical before, but you’ve always been special for me. I think I was destined to be drawn to you at some point, no matter what."
"You know, when I met you again I swore to myself I wouldn't feel anything sexual for you."
"And how did it go?"
"It was going well, until you pushed me to the wall and put your tongue in my mouth. Then I completely lost it."
"My bad, you're stuck with me now," I joked, holding him stronger. "Never say that this is wrong again. If you end up saying it because you think too much, then stop thinking. When I kiss you, does it feel wrong to you? I can't believe it, because it feels so right to me, like it was meant to be this way all along. I told you, that you were supposed to be mine–"
"–right from the start," he finished my sentence, looking in my eyes. We were close. We had never been so close. We were breathing the same air, sharing our body warmth, hearts beating at the same beat.
Some noises came from inside the house; the others had woken up.
"Should we go inside?" I asked him.
"I don't want them to see me like this."
"Like what? I couldn't tell at all that you cried."
"I still feel weird… you can go, I'll take a walk outside," he got up from the porch swing, and I grabbed his hand.
"I'm not leaving you alone," I told him. "Let's run away together, before they see us here."
"Run? Where?"
"To the woods. We'll come back when you feel better."
He held my hand stronger. "Okay," he said, and we left the house before the others could find us.
Chapter 52
"You look different somehow," Sean told me that afternoon, while showing me the messages that had come from Domme's watchpad since the day before. The redirect in copy was still working, so we assumed the plan succeeded, despite the inconvenience with the soldier.
"Is it another joke about my face?" I asked him, concentrated on analyzing the worthless content of the emails. I seriously hoped something more useful would eventually show up.
"No, it's more like your aura changed."
"My what?"
"You look stronger, like, more self-confident."
"I see," I told him. "I followed your advice, you know." I was sort of proud of myself for being able to defend myself from Finnick. Bill's training really proved itself useful.
"But there must be something else; you look strangely relaxed," he said. Was I so readable?
"I finally stopped torturing myself with unnecessary thoughts." Like asking myself if I had become gay or not. "And you? What's up with you recently?"
"When you left, I found myself scared something could happen to me. I have to be honest with you, I was quite shocked about what you’d been doing. But then I realized that this was my chance to be of some use, and I started working on the new watchpads. I still can't believe it did the trick."
"See? You have to be more self-confident too."
"Chloe told me the same thing. And maybe I'll start going to the gym."
"The gym? You must really like her."
"I want to show her my willpower!"
"Well, at least it's something that you'll benefit from even if she dumps you anyway."
"Drew, you're an awful friend."
"I don't want to give you a false hope. But of course, if she were to fall for you I'd be happy for you. And for her too, there isn’t a guy like you in the entire world."
"Look at her," he sighed then, looking through the window. I went to take a look outside and saw Chloe and Dan playing with Sean's German Shepherd, Marsha. "What would I do without that smile in my life?" said Sean.
"I wonder that too," I said, staring at Dan. I realized too late that I had spoken out loud. We had never planned to hide our relationship, and at that point I needed to tell somebody. "Sean," I said, my gaze still focused on Dan, "we have to talk. It’s… a private thing."
"Did you fall for me?" I turned around and found his face inches from mine, eyes wide open and lips curved in a stupidly amused smile.
"No fucking way. Get so close to my face again, and I'm going to throw you a beating."
"Sorry, what is it?" he said, with the same expression as before, but almost laughing in my face now.
"I..." I didn’t know where to start. "Dan and I… we’re in a relationship." I went straight to the point.
"Eh? What do you mean with a relationship?"
"Exactly what I said."
"I see…" he scratched his chin with the same mysterious expression as before, then he lifted his head as if he understood something and said, "Ehh?"
"What the hell, you looked like you were about to say something smarter than that!"
"Sorry, that was a bit unexpected for me… I see, I see, so that's what it was."
"That's what it was, what?"
"I had the feeling there was something strange about you two. Like today, when you came back from that walk in the woods covered in mud and you had such a guilty expression when Sara asked you if you had been fight… wait a minute! Does this mean…?"
"Yes."
"And you actually…?"
"Yes, a lot."
"Wait, we're talking about the same thing, right?"
"If you mean sex, yes."
"I see… and, how did this happen?" he asked me, curious.
"Ahem… you want the details?"
"No thank you, I'm only asking how you got together."
I sat back at the table, and I told him all about Dan and me, how we were close as kids and how things between us evolved in the past few months. "Sean, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about it. I know you don't really like Dan for the situation with Chloe and all, but you're my best friend, and I wanted to share this thing with you. It's a big change for me, it's all new, and Dan is… he's not always easy to deal with."
"Drew, I'm a bit shocked, but I guess as long as it makes you happy it's fine. The thing is, I am not so sure about him; I barely know him, but I don't understand why you all care so much for him. He left Chloe like that, he ignored Sara's feelings for ages, and he cut ties with you for seven years. It's true that he's helping you a lot now, yet I got the feeling that his kindness is only a facade."
"Lilian didn't trust him either. He looks cold, but he's just hurt, Sean. I know he’s suffering, I only wish he would tell me why."
"Anyway, you can count on me," he said. "If he breaks your heart I'll go punch him right on those perfect teeth."
"Well, thanks," I said. I felt better after telling Sean about us; still I had no idea how to bring up the subject with the girls. Chloe had once advised me not to get into a relationship with Dan, but after that she seemed quite supportive when I was jealous of fish face and Bill. Telling Sara was the hardest part. I resolved to think about how to tell them for a little longer and how to find the right moment.
While we were still there talking, Sean's watchpad rang, intercepting a call coming to Domme's line. We put it on record and listened to it.
"Everything in order there?" a man's voice was asking.
"Yes, all regular," replied Domme. "Any news on the one that was sneaking around?"
"It could be that kid, we're working on it. But it doesn't seem he did anything. I might have an idea about the location of the knife, though. Let's discuss it in person."
"Yes, same place same time. Are the others coming?"
"No, too risky. They'll wait a written update. I'll see you later."
The call was then disconnected. Three things of that short conversation caught my attention: first, they really didn't figure out our plan; second, they were looking for the location of a knife; third, was there the chance that after all we went through to put that chip in his watchpad, they would decide place and time of the next murder by meeting in person?
"They said they're working on it," said Sean. "You should warn that Hutchison; he might be in trouble for finding you that job."
"Right, there's that too," I said.
"Don't call him, what if they're spying on him?" said Dan, standing next to the door. How long had he been there? "Hutchison knew the risks of helping you, but he did it anyway; I'm sure he can take care of himself."
"How can you be so sure?" Sean asked him.
"That guy is smart; he's been hiding from them the fact that he helped Robinson for months, do you think he would ruin everything so easily?" said Dan.
"Yes, I think Dan's right," I said, still bothered by the knife stuff. "The missing knife, could it be the one they use to perform the ritual? But why is it missing?"
"It could have been lost during the fire at the villa," said Sean.
"No, I don't think so," I said. It didn't feel right. They said they had an idea about where it could be, so it wasn't lost during the fire, and it didn’t go down the lake with Robinson's car either. "If it's missing, then somebody took it. Somebody present during the ritual: either Robinson or Shallie."
I tried thinking of Robinson’s last words from the message he sent to Ms. Wilson that night before dying. “The plan failed”, he had said; they couldn't run away on time like they had thought. “I found out there's many more of them that we didn't know about.” That was the reason he burned down the villa; he hoped to uncover the ritual. “Take care of the kid.” He had told Shallie to run away to meet Hutchison. He could have entrusted the knife, the murder weapon, to her. The only one who could have it was Hutchison himself. And if, in spite of the help he gave us, Hutchison is, in truth, an enemy? If he was the one who told Finnick I infiltrated the villa? No, I would have been killed as soon as I set foot in that hotel if that was the case. And he would have given the knife back to them.
"Hutchison must have the knife," I said. "It's almost too easy to understand, what I wonder is if they have figured it out too."
"I don't understand," said Sean. "If Hutchison is so smart, why is it so obvious that he took the knife? He should have hidden it better, don't you think?"
"It's obvious for us," said Dan, "but try thinking from the enemies' point of view. They had found out from Brown that Robinson was gonna betray the group, then all the members present in the villa died, and so did Robinson. Shallie, though, was brought back to Rosedeer. Of course the first people to suspect at that point were Colten's servants. But if the sect didn't kill or kidnap any of the servants, it means they're not sure. Hutchison must have played his cards well to cover for them."
"Until now," I said, "because they said they have an idea where the knife could be. What changed?"
"It could really be that recommendation," said Sean. "It might have been the confirmation they needed that Hutchison was Robinson's accomplice."
"You're just guessing," said Dan. "We know nothing about this knife thing either. Just to be sure, send Hutchison a message to warn him. "
I accepted to do as he said, but I wasn't satisfied. There was something I was missing about that, I was sure of it.
Chapter 53
When I went to bed, around midnight, I found Dan already sleeping on the left side of the bed, his pills on the bedside table. The girls had taken Sean's parents' room, the biggest one, and Dan and I took the guest room we had slept in the night before. I sat on the bed and watched him sleep for a while, caressing his hair. I liked doing that.
"Drew..." he called my name in his sleep and hugged me. That was incredibly sweet and unexpected for me. I kissed his forehead and fell asleep holding his hand. That night I had an erotic dream so realistic I felt seriously ashamed of it; in my dream I was making love with him in the V.I.P. area of Jim's bar, thrusting deep into him while looking at his face. I woke up covered in sweat, my heart pounding and hard enough to be close to an orgasm. I immediately thought of going to take a cold shower to cool down, but instead I turned to look at him. He was sleeping on his side, his face so close to mine I could kiss him anytime. His skin always so white and silky, his untied hair falling on his forehead, and his lips half parted. He was sexy, hot damn sexy. I slid a hand in my pants, hoping to ease the pain coming from being so desperately excited. I imagined kissing those lips and touching that skin. I remembered his face from my dream, the same I had come to know well in the previous weeks. My pleasure was growing, and I closed my eyes, increasing the speed.
"Drew?" said Dan, still half asleep. Worst timing ever. My heart seriously stopped for a couple of seconds, and I wished I could disappear in some small hole in the ground never to come out again. I couldn't say a word, watching his expression change as he realized what was going on.
"Drew, what the fuck are you doing?"
"It's not like that, I was just…" No excuse came to my mind, and I decided to be honest, "No, it's exactly like that."
"What the hell Drew, what are you thinking?"
"I had a dream and… somehow it ended up this way." Despite the situation I was in, I was still as hard as before. Not just that, the thought of him looking at me turned me on even more.
"Just go to the bathroom then."
"I'm... already at the point where I can't hold back anymore." Especially knowing you'd be looking at me.
"Do you have at least something to clean yourself up?"
"No, I wasn’t thinking that far."
"… maybe I can do something about it," he said, after a short pause. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to suggest. My body was asking me for more, and I was so close that being left like that felt like hell.
"Shit, I wish this torture would just end soon."
He sighed, "Drew, close your eyes."
"Eh? Why?"
"Just do it," he ordered. I had no idea why he would ask me that, but I did as he said.
"Dan, why— ah… ah!" I suddenly felt something moist, wet and warm submerging my erection. Could it be… shocked, I opened my eyes and saw him taking it into his mouth. I thought I could stop him, but the unique sensation I was experiencing prevented me. I could feel saliva wetting my tip as his lips covered me, moving up and down, and his tongue wrapped itself around me. A warm, jelly-like tissue embraced my sensitive skin, exploring, licking, rolling over it and then sucking, accompanied by the movement of his hand. I was going crazy, with a million of wonderful sensations spreading throughout my body from only that one spot. On the edge, I desperately tried to hold back; I wanted it to last more. But it was too much, it felt just too good. "Dan," I moaned, tears blurring my vision as I was becoming aware of the undeniable fact that if he didn’t stop immediately, I was going to come in his mouth. "I'm coming." He could have moved away, and yet he took it deeper inside as I let myself go. Describing what I felt as going to Heaven isn't enough. It was like dying and coming back to life a hundred times in a second. I was completely overwhelmed. It took me a couple of minutes to be able to talk again. Dan was looking at me with a strange expression.
"Are you alright?" he asked me.
"You..." I laughed. "It felt so good you made me cry." I still couldn't believe it. I didn't think something like that could really happen.
He laughed too, "That's a first for me too. Am I so good at it?"
"God, you are. I think I've just figured out why it’s called a blow job." My embarrassment probably revealed my inexperience. I put my pants back on and felt his eyes on me. I gave a quick look at my watchpad: it was still 7:30 a.m. I pulled him closer, his head on my chest. "Can we stay like this for a while?" He didn't reply, but he lay in my arms like I asked."I told Sean about us yesterday," I said.
"That's why he was giving me those
strange looks," he said, moving his finger on my chest, as if he was drawing something on me.
"About yesterday, how are you feeling? Does it still hurt?" We had ended up making love during our walk in the woods, stopping by the nearby lake, and even though he wanted me to go on until the end, I could tell it hurt for him.
"No, I'm fine."
"Don't force yourself like this… We don't have to go all the way every time, it's okay for me even if we keep it… simpler."
"Like just now? But I like that pain, so it's alright."
"You really are a masochist. I’m a total gay sex noob, but even I know it must be hella painful to do it without lube."
"I can't help it, it turns me on when you take me with such urgency, even if it hurts."
"I’ll have to carry some lube always with me from now on. Also, I want to get better at it, so that I won't hurt you anymore. Maybe I should read a book about it?"
"I appreciate the sentiment, but it's not something you can learn by reading."
"How do I learn then? Watching porn?"
"There's nothing as unrealistic as that. Well, usually when you've felt a lot of pleasure being at the bottom you'll eventually get good at being on top. At least that's what it was like for me. Want to try switching roles once?"
"Eh? No, no, no, I don't think I'm ready for that."
"Fine then, it was just an idea. For me it's already perfect the way you are now anyway."
"Why are you so adorable today?" I told him, surprised. "You say sweet things, you cuddle… I love it."
"I'm trying to stop thinking, like you told me yesterday."
I appreciated that he was trying to follow my advice. "So…" I whispered to him, "you swallow."
"You're still thinking about it?"
"How can I not think about it?" I said, holding him stronger against my body. "And what about you?"
"Me what?"
"Are you alright?" I whispered in his ear, "You're hard."
"I'm good."
"I want to touch you."
"You don't have to–"
"–I don’t have to, but I want to. I want you to feel good too." I passed my hands on his shoulders, his back, and his hips. His eyes were burning with desire from how hard he was trying to hold back. I put down his pants and secured my grip on him. The rhythm of his breath changed and he bit his lips. It was the first time I was taking my time to think only of him and doing things at his pace. I pulled up his t-shirt and while I was at it I kissed, licked and sucked the soft skin at the base of his neck and his nipples, now small and hard. Dan had described the way we usually made love as “urgent,” and it was more than accurate. Since the very first time it was like we were catching fire when we were together, desperately trying to burn, consume, and assimilate the other with each kiss, each thrust. It was always sudden, raw, deep and fast. This time it was going to be different. This time I was planning a slow journey through his body, to awaken each nerve, to find out about any sensitive spot.
